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From bob and tom website



An old man sitting at the mall watched a teenager intently. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him.
When the teenager was tired of being stared at, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old man? Never did anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye when he responded, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."


A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick.
Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No-think of another wish."
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally,he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"


A little girl asked her father: 'How did the human race appear?'
The father answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so mankind was made.'
Later the girl asked her mother the same question. The mother answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her father and said, 'Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said they developed from monkeys?'
The father answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your mother told you about hers.



A married couple got into an argument and stopped talking to each other. Instead, they gave each other written notes.
One evening the husband gave his wife a slip of paper that read:
"Wake me up tomorrow morning at 6 am."
The next morning he woke up and saw that it was 9 o'clock. He was very angry.
He turned over to get out of bed and found a note on his pillow that read:
"Wake up, it's 6 o'clock!"


A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squ! eeze an d twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, 'I've never seen anybody do anything like that before; it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?'
'No,' the woman replied, 'Divorce attorney.'


An old man famer is out walking around his land when he stumbles upon five beautiul girls skinny dipping in his lake. When the girls notice him standing there, they shriek and yell at him for watching them.
"Get out of here you old perv," yelled one of the girls.
"I'm not here to watch you girls swim around naked," he replied. "I'm just here to feed the alligator."


A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top part.
Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.
He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says,
"Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style, it makes your nose look short!"


The director of the CIA has to test three new agents, a 25-year-old, a 35-year-old, and a 45-year-old. He puts each of their wives in a different room. He hands the 25-year-old a gun and says, "Go into the room and kill your wife." The 25-year-old says, "I can't do it. I love her too much."
The director hands the gun to the 35-year-old and says, "Go into the room and kill your wife." The 35-year-old goes into the room, comes out after five minutes, and says, "I'm sorry, I just can't do it."
The director then hands the gun to the 45-year-old and says, "Go into the room and kill your wife." The 45-year-old goes into the room. Three shots ring out, and then there's the sound of scuffling and fighting.
The director runs into the room and sees the wife dead on the floor. He says, "What happened?"
The 45-year-old says, "Some idiot put blanks in the gun, so I had to choke her to death!"


On their first night together, the newly weds decided to set up signals
concerning their "urges".
The lady said "If you want it, squeeze my BOOB once, if you don't want it, squeeze my BOOB twice."
The gent said "OK, if you want it, pull my DONG once, if you don't want it, pull my DONG 48 times."


A father believed his son was spending way too much time playing video games on his computer.
So, in an effort to motivate his son into focusing more attention to his schoolwork, the father tried to lay down the law.
"When Abe Lincoln was your age," the father said, "he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
Without looking up from his game, the boy replied,
"When Lincoln was your age, he was The President of The United States."


A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: $500 If we fail to fill your order! When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose! The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on the table and says, "You got me this time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"

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