Spanking children - yes or no?

I do not spank my children and the are very well behaved and respectful kids.

Sometimes young kids just don't get it.

I've never touched by kid except when she was under 3 and I wanted to make sure she would not go near and/or try to play with the stove.

I asked her if she knew what pain/hurt was and she replied that she didn't know, so I gave her a nice swat on the hand to explain.

She winced but then slyly smiled as if she got it.

I asked her if she understood and she said yes.

Then I small took a piece of paper and burnt it up in front of her and told her that is what would happen to her if fire got a hold of her.

I never found here playing anywhere near the stove anymore.

There was 2 lines in our linoleum for that happened to mark the no kid zone around the stove and sometimes when I was cooking something she would act as if she wanted to come across the line drawn in the sand.

Other than that, we've never touched her, but the wife has threatened on many occasions. ( it's not gana happen )

TL

Interesting question as people seem come down on this issue as either right or wrong. I always thought spanking a good deterrent but not an effective punishment.

Not long ago I was at a young friend's home where her young'un just kept reaching toward the hot stove. I lost count of how many times this young mother said "no, don't touch" and tried to explain the concept of "hot" to a kid not quite 2 yrs old. At the same time she was constantly physically stopping the kid from touching the stove - and it was only the outside of the oven door. It became a game to him because he got attention.

When I was raising my sons, I would have done one of two things:

1. let the child touch once while you say "hot" and he'll learn quickly
2. one swat to let the child know that "no" means "no"

There are times when reasoning with a toddler makes no sense in the big scheme of things. If a child wanders into the street - you need to get his attention NOW and it may take a spank to do that effectively. I'd rather hurt his little psyche than have him hit by a car.

If a child was, as above, reaching out to touch the outside of a heated oven, it's one thing. If he is reaching for a pot cooking on the stove, it's different.

My rule was that every spanking or any other discipline was followed afterwards by a hug to show they were still loved.

There is a lot of judgment floating around in the child raising arena - and I guess that is normal. I saw a TV show yesterday where a woman claimed boldly that any mother who wanted to work instead of stay home full-time should not have children. Easy to say when someone else pays all your bills but the woman didn't consider that.

The most idealistic parents - the ones with all the answers - have usually not yet dealt with the terrible twos.

kay

I used to get spanked a LOT when I was younger, and I can say it didn't do any good. I got into a lot of trouble in my teen years.

And if spanking "works" why is that I had to KEEP getting spanked? I know somebody that spanks their kids all the time, and the kids are little brats.

I spanked my youngest once, because it was needed. It wasn't a severe paddling, but enough to get the message across. And many people say my child is very well-behaved, respectful, and a great kid (and that includes other parents, not just grandma and grandpa).

Spanking shouldn't be the punishment of choice. But it can be applied judiciously to great effect.

I will still spank my youngest if needed, but now grounding from TV or the computer does the trick. Also, soanking should only be done if the kids truly needs it, not because the parent is angry and can't handle the situation.

All the best,
Michael

Who remembers the first time their child bucked and said no???


TL

I give my oldest kid "the" sanctions cause i find it more effective then any slap in the butt.

No Playstaion
No laptop (yep!!! 4 year old dominates 1 laptop)
No movies
etc etc

I don't have kids myself, so I'm no expert, but I think a paddle on the bottom is okay if the kid is real young, 5 or less, and you need to get their attention. I mean, not so hard you're causing bruises or welts, because it is easy to cross the line into child abuse.

Tina,
"I also rarely raised my voice so when I did, it was like EF Hutton speaking - everyone shut up."

That's how I was too. All my kids needed to hear was a rather loud "Thats enough!"
and it would stop them in their tracks. I rarely raised my voice but when I did they knew I meant business.

Yep, an infrequent raised voice, a certain tone, or even the right look does the trick most of the time. But, once you use spanking as the punishment of choice, where do you go from there? Harder spankings?

If "the look" doesn't work you can move on to a different tone if the kid doesn't listen. Then you can go to raising your voice, and then a spanking if needed.

On the other hand, there are cases where you don't have the time to go through the punishment continuum - where a deliberate spanking has to be done...now.

As mentioned, my mom would spank us all the time, and I don't think it helped. My dad only spanked me once. I was running into the road with oncoming traffic. I was maybe 3, but the lesson stuck.

I'm glad corporal punishment has gone away (for the most part). Only a parent should decide when a spanking is necessary.

~M~

I am vehemently opposed to hitting anybody especially a child or an animal.

It sends completely the wrong message that the way to deal with conflict is by violence.

It is someone bigger hitting someone smaller - it makes them feel victimized - and the victim often becomes the oppressor/abuser in later life.

I may have 'hauled off' and smacked my son once or twice at the most and the last time he put his dukes up which scared the hell out of me - so I remembered to control myself from there on.

There should be a relationship between you and your kids where they listen to what you tell them to do. It's called respect and trust. Both are earned.

(not saying I knew how to do this but that would be the ideal).

Well ever heard of the concept of "playing", this discipline is obviously an example and if you look at psychoanalysis the super-ego gets inflated in violently (more) disciplined children to the point where they will break down if they don't accomplish important tasks, but the problem is that people are never satisfied. So it can be verbal or physical, but I abide with a more academic, showing possible routes and consequences, making it interesting, unpredictable, stimulating, even fun to learn to have "responsibility". Adults are basically overgrown babies that need a government, bosses, money market, media to watch over them, and they fight, spaz out, skip work, do illegal things etc. The only way we will ever have world peace is if parents stop hitting their children. Hitler or Mahatma Gandhi?

Spanking is only used as a complete last resort.

As many have said if you use it all the time, it loses its effectiveness. I probably feel worse than they do if I actually do have to spank them. Thankfully, I've only ever had to do it 3 times.

One mistake I know a lot of parents make, they make threats then don't carry out with them or make ambiguous threats.

If you say something like:

"If you don't stop, I'm going to turn this car around."

if they don't stop, you better turn the car around. Otherwise, they'll learn that you don't mean business when you say something. (I truly believe this is where most parents go wrong.)

An example of an ambiguous threat is something like:

"Keep that up and see what happens!"

No, you have to tell them EXACTLY what's going to happen if they keep it up. Then of course actually follow through with it.

I definitely agree with the notion that if you spank, don't do it out of anger. That's just completely wrong.

How can a child be 'just plain bad' unless it is directly because of their environment. And when it comes to early development, who is in charge of their environment?

Spankings were popular in my house. I received my last spanking probably in the 6th grade. I forgot to clean my room. I remember my dad warning me several times before he went to work but I just plain forgot and went outside to play. Next thing I knew, dad was home from work and that room was not clean.

My dad called me inside and put a belt to my hind quarters for not cleaning my room, all the while my window was open and my friends heard everything. I had to go outside afterward to tell them I had to clean my room and I was teased something terrible.

I did not spank my child. I regret it. She has been a very difficult individual to deal and was quite disrespectful. I was briefly married to her father and he had no input in the parenting due to his elective absence. I was mostly was a single parent and it was difficult. She elected to learn from life by "experiencing life" rather than listening to reason. In fact, she did put her hand on the stove to find out it was hot after I told her it was hot at the age of 5 or 6. She was just that stubborn.

She is now a young lady of 19 years old and has found it hard to socialize with others because I did not reinforce consequences to breaking home rules and bad behavior. She just never listened when I told her people are not going to put up with your crap.

It has taken a couple of threats and beat downs for her to realize...hey..these folks are serious and I need to get a grip. I guess that's another one of her "living my experience" things. I listened to my parents, respected them, and very rarely did I go against the things they were trying to tell me. I have always erred on the side of caution.

In the end, I think careful use of spankings is needed but not in anger. Children need guidance and correction. We cannot be out children's buddy. The correctional system subjects it's felons to rape, beatings, and all sorts of horrors.

I think that a spanking in childhood to prevent them from landing there is not out of order and should be enforced because once they land in the US correctional system, they are free game to all types of predators and no one feels sorry for them then.

That rod will drive all foolishness away and save them from undue trauma later in life. It also teaches them consequences.

On a positive note, now that my daughter has grown up some and experienced consequences, we get along a whole lot better and she asks me how I dealt with her stinky attitude and realizes she was mistaken about a great many things.

My greatest regret is that I only was able to have 1 child so I could get a second chance to "get it right" so to speak from a parent's perspective.

Punishment isn't really all that hard (most of the time). If you start "training them" young.

All you need to do is find that ONE thing that will make them actually feel punished.

I have a 3-strike rule. My 6 year old has never gone past strike 2 (yet). My 2 older ones were a different story

My oldest HAD to be doing stuff at all times. Never one to sit, he was always outside playing with his friends. It was tough just to get him inside to eat dinner. His "punishment" was easy - sitting on my bed, no T.V., no nothing for a pre-determined period of time (depending on the offense).

My next oldest LOVED video games (Nintendo 64 back then). Had to pry the remote from his fingers on nice days (had a policy about that too - nice days, outside!). So HIS punishment was easy also.

The final key is to ALWAYS follow through with what you say.

Warning 1 - Knock that off right now...

Warning 2 - Strike 2. Do that again and you will sit on my bed for the next 20 minutes while all your friends are playing.

Strike 3 - Ok, you were warned. (execute punishment).

It's a simple formula that worked for me very well. Only had to get to strike 3 a few times each.

My step daughter is a different story. All my wife has to do is give a certain look and she melts. She is a sweet kid.

OMG!!! After working in a public school system filled with kids that know no discipline I say let's bring back the wooden spoon!! The problem is, many people just can't find a balance with disciplinary tactics. Seriously, a nice big wooden spoon can work wonders for one kid while it's absolutely not the way to go for another.

It would be truly amazing if common sense could be used more commonly to decide if a kid needs a good old fashioned whipping with a big fat switch that they had to go look for in the woods on their own.

lol.... memories!!!

I also would like to add if you say you are going to do something you better do it before the bar gets raised on you and you have to keep striking to get your point across.

hi newbie here...

i think it would be best if you spank your children...for them to be respectful. not totally beat them to death...me, personally i experience being spank by my father...and it made me respectful and disciplined person.

Spanking is great for some kids and horrible with others. Parenting must be flexible because all children and all people are different, so you must adapt your parenting style and methods depending on your child.

I know for me, spaking was the only thing that worked. It only happened a few times, but thats the point, I learned not to do things because there was that fear there...I was a little devil growing up

for others spanking doesnt work at all. It can have negative consequences.

Spanking children - yes or no? DEPENDS


ps, i dont mean beating or injuring your child...spanking is more dramatic than physical

I got spanked a few times when I was a kid, but that was before my dad left when I was 11. It was the only "real" discipline I ever got, which I can count on one hand.

I really didn't get squat from my parents. Of course, neither of them are particularly good people to be around.

My dad was an abusive, sociopathic narcissist who's completely incapable of empathizing with another human being. I have a strict rule with sociopaths - there is NO hope for them, so don't energy on them except to keep them as far away as possible. He's been out of my life since I was 12, and there's been no reason to bring him back.

My mother played the martyr all her life - as bad as my dad was to her, he can only be blamed for so much. They've been divorced for years. I could never develop a true mother/daughter bond with her - she used everything I said against me (I remember being six and complaining that everything I said was used against me later), lied to me, lied about me, read my journals without any good reason, told friends and family she didn't have faith in me and repeatedly stabbed me in the back. We have nothing in common and even though she "loves" me, she hates everything that I'm about. Worst of all, I have THE most amazing man who's gone above and beyond the call of duty of a boyfriend, and who I plan to marry in a year - and for her own selfish, jealous reasons, she hates him.

I just recently got out of her house. First I wondered what to do about money, but I have much greater plans than ever and for the first time in years my life's been on track.

People ask me if I want to "make up with my parents one day". "Making up" implies there was a relationship that was damaged. Both of them have trails of negative energy, for their own reasons. One parent's issues are more concrete while the other's are more abstract, but neither are good people. It's sad that neither of my biological parents have a place in my life... but it is what it is.

I have to say I was lucky, though. I'm entirely self-made. I learned from my own mistakes. I figure things out for myself. I'm the most ambitious person I know. I don't doubt whether or not I can get through things, I merely get annoyed that I have to get through it. I still make mistakes - some of them outright stupid - but I make a point to learn from them all the time. I do all this and more without the help (or now, hinderances) of my biological parents.

That said...

Punishment should not so much be out of anger but teaching the consequences of one's actions. This includes spanking. Show as much unconditional love to your child as you can. Even if her aspirations don't quite match yours. Even if he has purple hair. In the end, your children decide their own paths - their odds of success greatly increase with your guidance, support and undying love.

My wife and I decided not to spank but instead use the time-out option. You have to be consistent or it doesn't work. Sometimes you feel like a spanking is the only option, especially when they don't listen - but to this day with a 2 year old - no spankings.

Where is the line between a tap and a beating, who decides where that line is ? the person doing the beating.

So many people think they know where the line is and yet have no idea, even a no mark policy is crap, what about emotional scares that may never heal.

Just read something about it and it is as well being debated.

"Spanking is one of the most controversial discipline methods. On one side of the debate are parents who believe it is all right to spank their children. On the other side are those who think that children should never be spanked. Somewhere in the middle are parents who believe that spanking should only be used in particular instances (e.g., when the child runs into the street). Part of the reason for the debate is that parents and experts often define spanking differently. To some, spanking means "slapping a child on the buttocks", while others consider spanking a generic term for any corporal punishment that does not cause an injury, such as slapping a child's hand for touching something forbidden or dangerous."

Can't seem to think of anything right now myself but the thought made me wonder as well

OK, You go into a store and you have a child that you spoiled all his or her life, when every time it held out it's hand and went ahah, you gave it what ever they wanted. And if you didn't give this child everything they wanted they started to scream at the top of their lungs until you give it to them. And of couse you give it to them because he or she is your sweet little darling, and you can't stand the screaming. The older they get the more they know that if they scream louder and louder, you will give it to them. Of course their your sweet little baby. IT GETS OUT OF HAND. When you go into this store and your wonderful child is screaming their heads off. "Oh sweety please don't scream like that". Baloney, that don't work. What that kid needs is a good swat on the butt. It affects all the other people in the store. It has happen in the past that someone else has grabbed a child that was'nt theirs and gave them a swat on the butt. I'm not saying that someone else should do this but goes to show what a lot of people are thinking. There were times when some screaming little brat was making so much noise, I would liked to have spanked their butts, while their parents were saying "honey, sweety, please do sream". And I'll bet that after a stranger grabed that child and spanked its butt that child would think twice about screaming in a store again. When words don't work, it's time, and they need a good swat on the butt.
ARCHIE

Something done - can not be undone. Maintenance is not undoing, it is applying enough layers so that what was done fades to obscurity (or to less importance than the replacement).

From an early age (perhaps 6 or 7 from memory), I fought for "kid power" and "child liberation." As a parent of 5 (3 girls, 2 boys), I find myself now fighting for parent's rights. Be careful what you wish for comes to mind......

The question of right or wrong can only be answered in context of the event. It is an over simplification to say it is right or wrong to discipline children via a spanking.

Parents are not perfect - kids are not perfect. We educate ourselves via many avenues and journeys - there are no prerequisite courses or licenses required for being a parent.

Social norms and cultural backgrounds influence many of our opinions and actions. Ideas and concepts float with evolution. What we do changes. For better or worse is a question best left to your own counsel to determine. The purpose of posting is not to be judgmental in the sense of imperfect actions, but to acknowledge that every individual situation has some unique influences and qualities which make it practicably impossible to apply unilateral governance - even if, as a society we choose to set the legal boundaries by the governing thought of the socially loud minority.

The personal injustices I witnessed and received as a child were considered "normal" for the time. I will not elaborate on the extensiveness of these events or how they shaped my crusade for "kids rights," other than to say, broom handles with staples used over bare knuckles and calf muscles did very little for me, other than to arouse a keen sense of injustice. Watching adults physically kick students around a classroom remains etched in my memory. Listening to the news over 20 years ago and hearing of an abusive father who made his 3 year old daughter eat her own vomit, after continually beating her - still makes sickens me to the core. Receiving a belting at age 4, I can recall the horror, the fright, the mood and the movement of the arm and belt - I do not recall the reason or the lesson - but I am sure there was one.

The problem with discipline is not the application, but the contorted and indefensible actions that were born from an incorrect assumption or accusation. Simply - the punishment in many situations does not fit the crime.

Parents defend their actions by justifying it against predetermined patterns of behavior that have some escalating characteristics. The proverbial volcano approach that is the result of habit more than good management or sound parenting. We use the tools we developed to carve the journey. Whether those tools are adequate or not, is a constant question posed in many minds that are searching for redemption.

For many others, they are the cupboard full of skeletons that evoke a continual acupuncture of the brain - piece by piece the jigsaw gets distorted and rearranged - a living mosaic of yesterday's actions against today's backdrop.

Some would argue that a spanking is forgotten long before the mental anguish of psychological manipulation or verbal abuse.

For me, its pretty simple. My grandmother (rest in peace), always treated children as "little people." In other words, her actions and discussion were always centered on making each child the most important person in the world for the duration of whatever activity was taking place. Her complete and undivided attention with paramount honesty was direct, involved and unconditional. The maturity of that approach was something I never really understood until much later in life. The rest of the world could be caving in around me, but knowing that one person treated me as a "real person" was enough to grab hold of and claw a future from the jaws of defeat.

To her, we were people first and children second. I can not tell you how much her actions saved me from myself and from leading a life of "socially acceptable, but morally questionable" behavior.

I try and fail every day as a parent in many ways. At the end of that day, I make a promise to myself, to be a little bit better tomorrow.

You really do not know what your children will remember or not remember. When they are sitting with their friends 30 years from now, how will they remember their childhood and what will influence them to be the best person they can be? A memory pierced with punishment, a memory of challenges and victories, a memory of smiles and adventures? A memory that someone cared about them and treated them with consistency and respect?

The answer is probably an overwhelming combination of everything, yet the most poignant memories will be those that pierced their heart. Situations of great triumph and of great injustice. Menial actions that are part of routine consistency help shape our character, but are not always, and perhaps even rarely, part of our vivid and relived memories.

Discipline does not have to equate to abuse - the root of evil in this temperament is the lack of consistency and varying perception of how behaviors were interpreted by both parties. Too often as parents we are judge, jury and implementer - with no right of recourse to the inflicted party. We lash out with default actions that are akin to primal instinctive behaviors in animals. We correct actions we perceive as needing correcting based on our own ideology and social norms as opposed to those that are governing our children.

I look and wonder whether a lack of discipline and consequential actions are responsible for many less than acceptable behaviors in our children. Then I think back to the school yard and wishing for a better life for kids. Then I remember that we have more information about our kids and their activities, than at anytime in history. Perhaps ignorance is bliss........

We are evolving to something better all the time (each generation is quoted as saying they would like to have been at school and had the opportunities that their children now have). The hard part as relics is to understand we are making way for the new. Our role is to support that process and offer our most constructive attributes if what we seek is the most successful outcomes. We put people on the earth to become themselves, not become manifestos of our own self imposed importance.

If you can look in a mirror with your child standing behind you, and truthfully say that you have treated them as you would like to have been treated yourself, then you are very close to finding the answers for your own situation.

A child will look for the best in a person until proven that it does not exist. If more adults could do the same, I wonder how the world would be?

Abuse of any type is justified and defended after the event, not before it. Discipline on the other hand is a premeditated course of action with distinctive consistency. Parents can be quick to dole out punishment as a consequence of discipline, yet deliver it with an abusive wrapper. I often question my own actions to determine if the rewards are dished out in equal distribution or at least with equal consideration and intent, as the punishment.

Children are born survivors. Adults are emotionally frail and loaded with contempt, and self deceit. It is quicker to administer a fix of "punishment" under the guise of discipline, than it is to plan parenting activities.

Who can blame parents? Food, house, bills, work, promotions, friends, partners, travel, sport etc - where's the time to learn parenting? Who needs to? Who cares to? Where is the time to be a better parent - oh yeah! Tomorrow........ Amazing how many parents turn into fantastic grand parents................

There are no right or wrong answers. I am not advocating one rule fits all. If nothing else, writing down some thoughts caused me to take a close look at how I parent - - again.... If that leads to making better decisions tomorrow - then a huge thank you to Michael for starting the thread.

I think everyone but children should be spanked after all its not kids that let adults down its we who let them down.

We lie and tell them its wrong! Ever heard of Santa Clause delivering gifts?

We cheat and steal or lie about cheating and stealing and any measure off, is stealing wither taxes or otherwise.

We curse and swear it horrible thing to do unless your an ADULT.

We waste opportunities and claim the world is unfair, yet through it all expect our Kids to be mentally and emotionally stable.

I threaten my kids all the time if they do not behave like adults I'm going to beat their Father!

They usually give me the look of Daddy can we get popcorn and watch?

Mark,

You are 100% correct. Physical ABUSE has long lasting, usually very bad effects.

I am sorry to hear what you have endured and understand your viewpoint completely. I am from a family of 4 kids and were never abused. I have 4 kids and have NEVER hit one out of anger, nor used physical means as a punishment for bad behavior.

But I think in today's society, we have way too many talking heads that will tell you ANY form of "discipline" is no good...

Don't use time-outs.

Taking away their toys is bad.

No TV for a week...no.

I mean it gets utterly ridiculous. And I would venture a guess that the ones who espouse THAT philosophy never had kids...

All I know is this... there have been times in my adult life where I would be, for example, walking down the street, ready to cross at a light. And just as I step a foot in the road, I get one of those nagging senses. I look up just in time to see some A-Hole jumping the light and would have run me down.

My little sense - I don't know what it was. People would attribute that differently, to be sure. But in MY mind, in the dark recesses of my mind MAYBE I suddenly remembered a swat my own mother gave me as I tried to run across a street...

This is a hot button issue. But as much as we need temperance about how we "punish" our children, there also needs to be common sense from those who really just use this subject as a means to their own ends.

Children NEED discipline. Not abuse...discipline.

Abuse, by the way, is not reserved to:

Physical
Women
Children
Animals

During my first marriage, my then wife was so verbally and emotionally abusive to me that I am really surprised I ended up getting remarried. It took a good 6 years of therapy to get "over" it.

But if there were any positives to take from that experience, it was this...

It taught me how NOT to treat others.

It made me be MUCH more of an active father to my sons, even though I did not have custody. To this day, my 19 year old has MAJOR issues with his mother because of her mouth. She destroyed her second marriage the same way she destroyed ours. But when my son comes to my house and sees me with my current wife he understands that things CAN be good, and normal.

Abuse sucks.

BTW, I took no offense at all.

Mike

We'd be misbehaving, fighting, bad as demons from hell. Screaming. Carrying on like banshees.

Mom would slide into the room and we'd stop dead in our tracks... uh oh... she'd smile slyly, "what's going on in here?"... Oscar winning performance... pretending that she was just there for a social call.

We'd let out guards down thinking there wasn't anything coming, and she'd sneak up next to us.

Then, like Wolverine, with blades rocketing out of the back of his hand, that damn avocado green plastic flyswatter would appear out of nowhere. She was a master ninja, twirling it around like nunchaku... damn woman and her flyswatter kata... the most hardened Samurai would have fled in sheer terror at the sight.

WHAP WHAP WHAP WHAP on the bare legs....

DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN THAT $HIT HURTS!!!!

waffle print

"IF I HAVE TO COME IN HERE AGAIN, I WILL..."

(and this is where it got really bad)

"TELL YOUR FATHER WHEN HE GETS HOME!!!!!"


In all fairness, we gave that woman every grey hair on her head.

But in the end, we turned out just fine - largely due to her Grandma Walton attitude.



Now... this was a cute, but true story.

But I want to illustrate the real point.

We were hardened criminals at age 7. The only way to get our attention was to get down on our thug life level and punk us down like dogs.

But, all I have to do is point at my daughter with a glare, and she bursts into tears and comes running to me wanting a hug and reassurance that Daddy still loves her.

Of course she gets a sweeping hug and a quiet discussion about how daddy only gets on her for things that are important because he loves her and wants her to be a good person when she grows up.


Every kid is different. There's no such thing as a "one size fits all" method of discipline.

I try not to spank the children but sometimes they do push you over the edge and they`ll probaly end up doing the same thing tomorrow , its a long learning curve

Yesterday my daughter tangled with the real danger of spanking a child these days. The poor kid has an iq double mine, doing algebra and geometry in kindergarten. Yesterday she decided she needed a play pretty. When she didn't get it she began hurling the other purchases out of the shopping cart.We are talking attention-getting breakables here.
The counting started.. One! Two! Okay, SWAT.
The little girl began bawling and said: "I am not moving from here until I get my play pretty." Another swat. This time there were witnesses, beady-eyed witnesses.
They followed my daughter up to the cash register. Grand daughter began hurling more goodies out of the basket. Another swat. Witnesses crowded in close; they followed the wailing child out to the parking lot.
Wailing Child was put in the back seat and the seat belt cinched. Wailing child began wailing in earnest, demanding that they go back to get her play pretty.
My daughter began backing up, carefully to keep from running over the beady-eyed witnesses. Suddenly the back door opened and the seat belt popped apart. Wailing Child was almost on the pavement when Mama's big hand met the hind end of the willfully disobedient child. "What are you doing to her?" one of the witnesses demaned.
"What I should have done in the first place. Now, get out of my way."

I know there are too many heavy hands out there, but reproving betimes with sharpness has a whole lot going for it, even when the beady-eyed witnesses have cell phones.

I like several here only use spanking as a deterrent, but not as a regular form of punishment. I will use it as a form of communication to keep them from danger. I find that parents that use spankings as a regular form of punishment tend to do it when they are angry, and that can easily lead to abuse.

However, I have many family members in the education field. And there's not a single one of them that doesn't tell stories of how disrespectful kids are at school these days. I can tell you the one thing that kept me - and most of the kids in my school - in line, was knowing that the principle had a huge paddle hanging up in his office for everyone to see. And the stories of that paddle rivaled some urban legends.

Take a job at just about any school here in the United States, and you'll quickly see that mere words will never get the job done. There has to be fear of some form of consequence.

I agree with MikeAmbrosio, the definitions have to be drawn between abuse and discipline there is a difference.
I was spanked as a child maybe 3 times I don't feel abused. Also I had my knuckles rapped with a wooden ruler learning to play the piano by my teacher then.
I just laugh about that now, because I know the difference between a beating and discipline. It's all about balance, just like knowing the difference between right and wrong (a lot of adults appear to be confused about that as well).

Keren

James

You obviously went through some bad times as a kid. Sounds more like abuse rather than a smack or spank...

But what works for some children does not work for others.

As I have stated, I don't believe in or use spanking as a form of punishment, but if a whack on the bottom keeps them from hurting themselves worse, it is worth it. And I hardly think this is something that would cause any kind of "damage" if the rest of the family life is well-balanced and has good communication.

But, that's my view. You are entitled to raise your kids any way you see fit

I would never spank my daughter, NEVER, saying that she is only 6 months old. Maybe my veiws will change when she gets a little older. But probally not Joke lol

I used to get the belt, but that was a few years ago now. I had the slipper a few times too.

It is like the discusion on do you think that teachers can spank your child as they once were. I think not there is always the naughty step ha ha I watch nanny 911!!!!!

There still seems a lot of confusion and mainly in the area of its OK i love them type replies,

The very simple answer to that is that there is no such thing as putting tough love/ love or any other variable as justification to hitting a child in any form or manner.

so much so if i were ever to see any person attempting to hit a child for any reason, i would walk up and purposely stand between you and the child, then quietly say if you wish to continue with your unjustified loving then for you to hit me as much as you lie.

and you could hit me all day, as i wont cry nor winch with pain or blink, you see i have had the crap belted out of me in the name of tough love so much i can not cry no more, i feel pain no more and you can not hurt me any more.

And yes i am now had my own family with 2 beautiful girls both in their late teens early twenties, the only discipline they had was love ( not tough love ) they are both A grade students with distinctions and honor's and all of this rubbish related to justified hitting to learn is pure 100% garbage.

Want to dish out some tough love, invite me around for a chat and see / feel the pain, and i promise you will never lay a finger on your child again. If you do then you can hit me for as long as it takes to clear your system so you do not hurt another child

People seem to feel there is some magical formula of doing this and that will equal a good child or something. Children are all different, learn different ways, and become different things. I'm thankful my mom and dad spanked ME when I was out of line and hard-headed. I am also thankful they didn't do it out of anger, but instead were calm and there to discipline me, not take there aggression or lack of patience out on me. There will be a time where it will be necessary for me to communicate a message through the form of minor physical punishment to express that I am disappointed by my child's actions.

I don't feel that I would be the least bit successful at most of what I do without my parents instilling the ideals that the world does not actually revolve around me, and that I am not invincible. Maybe that's just me though.

Well gary lets just say we have differing views and leave it at that, you say that smacking a child in your care is ok, I say say its not.

You say i am way off and there are many ways to dicipline a child. yes i rasied two girls without hitting them, they are great well adjusted young adults, what did you want to teach me?

for me i will not take this further with you as it is a pointless venture, I wish you well.

It's illegal to smack'em on the head with an object or slap them silly but if you just spank them with your palms open, it's should be fine. I believe some children needs spanking, believe or not, sometimes they stop doing what their not suppose to do after getting spanked.

Do they have to be your own kids? Just kidding. I don't know why but it seems a lot of kids these days have no respect for anyone.

As a kid my mum only spanked me once - I was messing about with my little brother and pushed him off. Unfortunately he fell down the stairs and cracked his head open! But appart from that my mum used the stern talking to and loss of pocket money etc as her 'stick'. I can remember acting up in a department store and getting dragged out of it and told in no uncertain terms my behaviour wasn't acceptable. We went straight home and I got sent to bed (no tv or computers in bedroom in those days). I was given an hour to reflect on my behaviour. Whoops!
So I'm not one for smacking kids but at the same time it annoys me how some parents let their kids run riot when out. Saw a 4/5 year old swining on a dummy in a shop window today without the parents caring. I thought any minute that'll fall on top of the kid and the parents will be playing war with the shop!

Rich

The question isn't whether or not you should, it's how.

What is the reason for a spanking? It is not just discipline it is also correction. You are trying to correct a behavior and letting them know that their is a consequence for their actions. That will be true in their life forever. You break the law you pay a price.

The reason spankings are not effective is when they are done wrong and just end up raising angry kids.

Most people who are against spanking had a bad experience with it as a child and so they disagree with it now.

Many people feel they were abused because "spanking" also is used to describe being smacked on the back of the head, being slapped or having their hair grabbed to yell at them. That is not spanking. That is an example of how to raise a rebellious resentful kid.

There are some very important guidelines to spanking that make it successful.

- Never use your hand. Kids should understand that your hand is not for discipline but a paddle is.

- Never do it in anger. The image they will have is you "beating" them in anger. It is no longer about correction or discipline.

- Always talk with them first. Explain what they did wrong, why it's wrong and why it has to be corrected.

- Always hug them after. They need to know they are still loved. That you are not disowning them. Just walking away lets them sit their and grow resentful.

- Never do it in public or in front of a sibling. This embarrasses them and that is not what you are trying to do.

- Never smack them or grab hair etc... That is abusive and creates resentment. It is always done out of anger as well.

- Be consistent! There have to be rules laid out and those rules need to be enforced. When you spank them sometimes for something and sometimes they get away with it, they will always push the line.

- It needs to be instant. Stop counting to 3! That basically tells them they have 2 seconds to get away with something before you will do anything about it. Watch the next time you do it. They will wait till the "th" in "three" starts to roll off your tongue before stopping. I know a parent who's 4 year old was hit by a car because whenever she said stop she would have to count to 3 first before he would listen. That boy ran into the street before she could count.


Disciplining your kids needs to be about loving them and wanting them to grow up right. Not about anger. It is hard work and you must be consistent.

It's a lot easier to just spank and run out of anger and that will fail everytime. It takes time to calm down and take them to a room and talk with them and hold them after. It's not the easy way but in the long run it is. You can't be lazy with this. You are responsible for how they grow up.

If done right you won't need to spank much as they get older.

But having said all that their is a lot more involved in raising a child. You can do all that right and mess up a whole lot more.

The most important thing is to realize that you are responsible for a life!

Kids aren't just something you drag along through life. It is a full time job and takes a lot of hard work to be a good parent. But in the end they will love you for it!


Hope that helps, it's a topic I care a lot about as you can see. I was fortunate to know some really good parents before having kids of my own! ;-)

"calling mom a bitch and dad a d**k because they wont buy them a pair of $100 sneakers."

The thing is, who created and marketed $100 sneakers in the first place? It wasn't a kid.
When I was a kid you could get 10 pairs of sneakers for $100 and they would probably last longer than anything on the market today.

i say yes... just gotta do it once or so.

Well now there's no use getting huffy with those who have a different viewpoint

At the end of the day, some kids don't need to be spanked, some do, and then there are some parents who need to be spanked.

Everyone and every situation is different. If spanking ain't your thing, awesome. I personally don't see a swat on the bottom in the name of protecting a child as an act of violence.

On the other hand, I have seen parents who get on a soapbox about "spanking being violent" and would NEVER do that, yet proceed to berate their children with words...

"Oh, you're so stupid!"

"What's the matter with you? Don't you have a brain?"

"Why can't you be more like your brother - he's an angel"

You get the idea. To me, that has a much deeper, devastating and long-lasting effect than a hand to the bottom.

We never spank our kids and they are very well behaved kids. Though we do use tasers on them quite often. =)

I do not like to spank my kid in the future. If it is for discipline, there's an alternative way to do that. I don't want my kids to grow and hate me because of spanking them.

I like a relationship where they respect me, they're open, share stories, laugh, drink and just love each other.

...no a swat would be better.

A swat on the butt teaches degrees of wrong and danger. My parents only hit me twice and I remember both times - once it was because I rode my tricycle down the middle line of a road where cars came around the curb 60 miles an hour. They wanted me to get the point that "NO" wasn't maybe no, or we'll talk about it "no" - or anything else - it meant absolutely, definitely, without a doubt don't even THINK about it. Had they used their normal, talking to, send me to my room, etc, I may have thought it was something I could slide the lines on....and may have died for thinking so.

On the other hand - I was playing with a friend in a sandbox one day and her little sister got sand in her eye - her mom blamed me without even asking and brought out a belt. It scared me to death to think of being hit with that thing and I ran home and told my mommy real fast. My mother was over there with that bitch pinned to the door telling her that she'd be the one in the real hurt if she ever touched me.

Now years later - I can still respect my parents for having spanked me for going out in the road like that --- but I ran into the other woman after I was an adult and I got right in her face and asked if she thought she still wanted to belt me. I came very close to wiping the floor with her.

There are degrees of wrong and we must respond with degrees of punishment - spanking should not injure, that is abuse, but if the "crime" is extremely serious, a kid has to know that it is serious.

As far as injuring yourself to teach a kid? You are freaking serious? LMAO. Okay, whatever. Humans learn by experience. A kid touches a hot burner - they get a life long lesson at the price of a little owey. That's life. I had a jack-knife my parents showed me how to use....I sliced all four fingers one day. I was told "that wasn't real smart, was it?". I never cut myself again like that. What would my reaction have been if my dad had sliced his own finger to show me what the blade would do? Cripes that would have freaked me out to no eternity... too strange. Kids hurt themselves. You can't protect them from everything or you end up with babies who have no clue how to do anything for themselves as adults. Life's rough. My parents let me hurt myself and I can go out into the wilds and survive now. Had I been protected all my life I'm betting I wouldn't have survived out there a few times when a little discomfort was necessary to save my own rear.

You can only go so far, until indulgence is more dangerous than a little bit of ouch....(and I'm not talking about beating, so don't go there).

I'm wondering right now if the dude that set that wildfire not far from here this summer had a daddy who burned his own hand on a flame instead of letting the kid learn for himself. Good grief.

TRYINGHERE - PETE

What you experienced is not what the average child experiences.
What happened to you is just sick and twisted and there was nothing even resembling what most people consider spanking.

It is understandable that you feel the way you do under the circumstances. Even though my parents swatted me a couple of times I still knew the difference between those swats and seeing that belt in that bitch's hand, and I was only three at the time - it traumatized me bad enough to remember it to actually have to be held back from her when I ran into again and happened to be bigger and stronger.

Most kids, thank God, never experience the violence you did and don't look back and see a spanking as any real upset later in life as you feel when you look back. I can't imagine for one minute in my life, and really hope I never can, what it was like to live in those conditions. My parents spanked me, but only a few times, and never hard enough that I ever had fear of them. I knew when I got the spanking that I had done something much worse than I had realized and the thought of what I had done scared me seeing the severe reaction they had to it. It wasn't normal for them so I knew it was REALLY bad. I was a brave little tyke and am real glad that I learned right then and there not to even think about transgressing again because I could have died. They did the right thing.

As I said......too much indulgence is just as harmful as too much brutality in its own way, but not physically. Brutality not only damages the physical body - it leaves the kid with no descretion.
Kids who are hit all the time never learn any degrees of wrong and everything they do is just as bad or dangerous as everything else. Refusing to clam up when told and running in the road are all the same, so you can't tell where the kid will think that a rule can be stretched and where it is dangerous to do so. They build no judgment skills, just fear or worse, disconcern for anything.

The same is true of those who are over indulgent. They continue to say no, the kid continues to act up. ...they never learn to listen to anyone and are on their own logic to decide when they cross the line that can't safely be crossed. They also learn no judgment.

Both children are at risk - the one who is brutalized is at double the risk. There is no love in abuse.......in a light swat, there is usually much love, as well as much concern.

I am so sorry for what you went through. I am sure it makes you just quiver inside every time you even suspect a parent is ready to slap a kid. I am very glad you have not continued this cycle of cruelty and abuse...many do. I also hope that your trauma doesn't allow you to indulge your children to points that put them in danger. You won't always be there to insist on "no" - they HAVE to know what lines are fatal to cross. They won't learn if you are over protective.....they won't learn if you are overly indulgent.

If you find your own kids acting uncontrollably, I hope for both of your sakes you seek a good counselor to help with discipline decisions. Don't let your own trauma endanger your children. Don't let having to deal with discipline traumatize you either.

And just remember that if there weren't monsters like the ones you grew up under, conversations like these would never even be dreamed of.

Let me ask you this...
Is it alright for you to hit you wife,
or husband,
co-worker or,
friend or a stranger for that matter???

Then its not alright to hit your children.

I brought up my 5 sons alone.

I like to think I was firm but fair. I taught them respect from a very early age, no cheek, no arguing etc with their elders. Yes, they did get a smack if I thought it was necessary.

We had a system where I said to them, "I'll count to 3 and if you haven't stopped beating your brother with that sledgehammer (or whatever the bad behavior was), I will smack you". I very rarely had to administer the said punishment but only because they all knew that I always meant what I said. I never dealt in empty threats.

One of my sons who is now 27 year old told me a few years ago that the worst thing I ever did to him when he was growing up was to say "I am really disappointed that you ...". It is a bit of a joke now that he is very much a man's man and has served for 8 years in the Royal Navy. Obviously the smacks did not register as abuse in our house but disapproval did!

So, in my opinion, a smack (I don't mean a beating...) did not do my boys any harm at all and, if you were to ask them, they would agree (at least they had better agree...lol). I also used other tactics such as removing the TV and games console from their room, no spending money etc.

My sister and her husband, on the other hand, never smacked her kids and both boys ran rings round their parents. One ended up in trouble with the police.

A bit of well judged discipline never did any harm.

Opinions on discipline have changed these days though - my oldest son is 38 and my youngest is 26 - in my day, a smack (or swat) on the butt was not frowned on as it is these days.

Karen

Why do ppl without kids even care about parents views on spanking? Seems like this was created for controversy.

I think TMG is one of the most level headed people here, lol

spanking children?for me it's ok if it they will learn from it but make sure it will not create any serious injuries and make sure to explain why.

Spank the kids.

spanking is not helpful there for no one should use it.

Study: Spanked Children May Grow Up to Be Happier, More Successful - Children's Health - FOXNews.com
Spank your kids often.

children are not protected from spankings, they are protected from beatings...there is a difference.

Yeah i probably would have lit the neighbor up for smacking my child as well. But junor would have been painting that shed with a sore a$$

Mike, I could write on this one all day long and would love to get into a "round table discussion" with anyone on it. It is a touchy subject and you will always get a bunch of people weighing in on it.

I was disciplined as a child, and then I thought it was rough. But now, 60 + years later, I look back on my father with love and affection. Children are after all children. They are going to try every ounce of patience you have, and then some.

But as you, and they, go through the phases of life that parents and their children do, there must be a teacher and disciplinarian, and a student and child. We all have a really nice area that can take a lot of rough treatment hanging right there behind us. It does no harm and gets lots of attention when you warm up that area for something that needs to be seriously pointed out to the child.

You cannot let them get away with anything without them thinking that they are "getting away with something". I am not advocating coporal punishment. BUT, I am advocating punishment for all. That's part of what is wrong with America today. There are not enough serious consequences for things that are being done.

Chuck

As a child I was hit once, I hit my mother back with all my might, got car keys thrown at me and I walked out the door. She never raised her hand to me prior to that. But like someone else in the thread, by 13 I had lost my virginity, by 15 I was smoking pot full time and was an alchoholic. She never spanked me.

On the other hand was my little sister who was disobidient from the moment she was born. The ONLY way to get her attention or get her to stop ANY misbehaviour was a swift smack on the backside. By 13 she was turned over to the state because my mother couldn't handle her.

We both came from the same family, we were both raised in the same home. She was spanked, I wasn't. We both went wayward as teens. To the point I became a teen mom. It all changed at that moment for me. But it had nothing to do with whether or not I was spanked, or whether or not my sister was spanked. We were different personalities and different punishements worked on each of us.

Now I have 5 children. My eldest I REFUSED to spank. I saw it as child abuse, and I fought with her from the day she was born to keep her disciplined. At around age 4 I gave in and she started getting spankings. Guess what? Other than her preteen angst, she is a prety good kid most of the time.

My youngest daughter (turning 4) is terrified of spankings, you even mentioned it as an idle threat and her behaviour turns around. Rarely if ever does she get a spanking. She would rather behave on the threat than having it carried through.

My eldest son, we had involvement from certain agencies and child psych's etc and we're taught methods of restraint. The number of hours I held him in those stupid holds I cannot count. They did not work. He behaviour was NOT changing as a result. Spankings occured and he now behaves fine and its once in a blue moon he ever needs one. Time outs and the regualr punishments work for him.

My younger two sons, have no concept of pain. Spanking does not work. Timeouts do not work. Restraining results in injury to usually the adult. The only method that works is leaving them alone in their rooms to work out their issues and let them regain themselves and rejoin everyone else.

My point? EVERY CHILD IS DIFFERENT. For some spankings work. Others the child psych stuff works, others yet timeouts etc. But every child is different and it is up to the parent and child to figure out what works best as a term of punishment. Otherwise, you end up with the children of this generation.

People are amazed how well behaved my children are, and when they ask how I maintain them that way with so many, I honestly cannot answer, because it is not a simple answer but a complicated one like I just gave. Each child is different and so too should their punishements and consequences be.

Just my 2 cents.
Sylvia

I think it depends on what type of child you have. If your child easily follows orders, then I dont think spanking is needed. In the case that you spoiled your child, it would be hard to teach them how to be a good boy/girl again unless you spank them.

Spanking is ok - - -beating is NOT ok - - everything in moderation

I have 3 kids age 11,9, and 1. I have never spanked them. They all are great kids so far. Never really get in any trouble and the older ones are both straight A students. So far so good.

I rarely spanked, and never in anger. When my kids were born, I did not believe in spanking and thought that I would never do it. Then my 2nd child was too smart for his own good. He kept running out into the road (we lived in a rural area, but I had taught them that they were NEVER to go in the road). He was about 4 when I caught him in the road AGAIN. So I tried to reason with him, telling him all the reasons he should not go into the road. He replied: "No mom, I've studied it and the cars always stop." The only reason that made any sense to him was that I would spank him if he did it again. Sometimes, ya gotta...

That said, I usually tried to use reason and preventative measures with my kids. If they misbehaved, I immediately removed them from the situation. I spent a night or two sitting in the car with a kid who wouldn't behave in the restaurant, while everyone else enjoyed their dinner. It usually only takes one time. (Sitting in the car with an angry mother is no fun.)

I once had to care for a kid that had a more permissive parent. We went into the grocery store and he went wild, climbing the shelves... I immediately took him and my own kids back to the car and explained how we act in the grocery store. He agreed and we went back in with no problems. USUALLY, once the kids knew what I expected, I had no problems.

So, I guess I would say that I am in favor of spanking only when necessary, but it was never off the table. Once, I threatened a spanking as a consequence if my terms were not met. My oldest son said "If you spank us I'll call Child Services." I handed him the phone.

BTW my four boys are all grown now. Two are in the military, one is an engineer and one is a starving actor/singer/dancer. I think they all turned out well.

I love these old threads getting resurrected.

I think I need a spanking.

Dave, always glad to help out.
I think I have Ken's number here somewhere!