What do you say to get rid of holiday guests that are driving you nuts?

"Your daughter and I want to have sex. Can you please give us a minute."

That normally clears the room.

An old commercial fisherman I worked for many years ago once told me a story about how his wife got rid of unwanted guests who always seemed to show up shortly before dinnertime. After dinner, she put the dirty dishes on the floor, let the dogs lick them clean, then made sure the guests were watching as she picked them up off the floor and put them in the cupboard with the clean dishes.

They never showed up at dinner time again.

John

Just bring out some home movies and/or 5 hugely thick vacation photo albums. These are usually pretty effective for clearing a room.

When no one is looking unscrew the cable wire from the TV and disconnect the ethernet wire from the computer.

"Oh man, the cable and internet are out!" (This is especially effective if there is a big football game on that most everyone wants to see)

As your company is pulling away re-connect the cable wire and plug the ethernet cable back in sit back, relax, enjoy the peace and quiet.

If you have kids fill them up with as much sugar as possible so they're as hyper and rambunctious as children filled with sugar can be. This is especially effective against guests who don't really care for kids all that much. (This one has a con, as you're going to have to deal with the kids until the sugar high crashes)

Get a used musical instrument that you have no idea how to play. The louder and more obnoxious the better. Bring it out and give everyone a performance.

Don't we teach folks how to treat us, on some level? If you're telling people, "oh, drop by any time," just to be "polite", and then they show up.. well.. there you are.

If they're just showing up and assuming that you will be too gracious to turn them away, well... why reward bad manners? They'll learn that they can repeat the behavior and I know families that continually have this type of imposition. Why not tell them kindly, that this visit is not convenient for you. And that next time they'd like to stop by, please call first. Keep it short. You don't need to defend or explain your position, especially if these folks are well-meaning, but assumptive.

You can assume that you have every right to determine who visits you and how long they stay - If you're afraid they'll be upset with you.. they will get over it. After all, they're the imposition.

I vote for talking about the visit before people come. Have a family meeting and agree together what works for your family. You can then actually post them. This works great for helping create boundaries for your teenagers, their friends as well as your's. The ability to share house rules that are respectful and reasonable works ultimately for everyone.

Now, if you're dealing with folks that have already made flight reservations, and are just calling to tell you when they're going to be there and "Oh, by the way, can you pick us up at the airport at midnight 'cause we're taking the red eye".. Well you'd have to decide to put up with it "this year" or letting them know that "gosh, I wish you'd have consulted with us about your proposed travel days, but we're only going to be available x number of days (hours, minutes... ha!)

How many days are they planning on staying? If too long, how about, "gosh, looks like we have a schedule conflict. You're welcome to come and stay ___________ and we're delighted you're making the trip, but we'll be unavailable after such and such a date. And, no, we're not comfortable with you staying here after this date because of our schedule, or home being professionally cleaned, new plumbing put in, or we just need some "down time" etc...

Hope that helps...

@Mr. Motley - Not funny. At all.

Makes one wonder about those who would...

A) Think that way, and then...

B) Find it funny.

Just sayin'

I'm sure you'll get over it.


just sayin.

Well I will give you two different perspectives.

First the truth, which I prefer, even if it has often caused me a lot of trouble.

I would be dead honest - in a letter, or in person, on the phone, telegram. You can be tactful and don't need to be abrasive. OK, people say I am 'blatantly honest' - that's better than a two-faced liar.

First degree:

'Ya know, _____, I have to be honest with you. Your habit of ___________ really upsets me and ruins my holiday every year. We have decided that since any day can be the last day we are alive, to try to enjoy ourselves this year. I hope you will understand. We do love you and hope you have a great holiday."

Second degree:

"We have decided to do something different this year and we will be going away for the holiday. Hope you guys have a great one".

If you just can't not invite them then a 'white lie' would be appropriate.

Prior to them coming:

'We are really so glad you will be coming on ______. However, we have a once in a life-time opportunity to go for a free vacation weekend with ______ from _______ (joe from the office, publisher's clearingihouse, whatever). (or really make plans yourself if you don't want to fib)

We just can't pass this up, and we hope you understand, but we are leaving right after dinner Thanksgiving/ or we are leaving in the wee hours of the morning after, so we hope you can make arrangements. (or make arrangements for them).

I think it is really hideous that people can hold other people hostage and make them do something that they really object to.

I have the opposite where I am always thinking of why I won't be able to make it someplace on holidays. They are my holidays just as much as anybody else's and I don't see why some people think I am obligated to do what they want every holiday. Maybe I would like to make other plans. Hey Free Country, (still, right?).

...yes it can be real lonely on holidays - but it is the lesser of two evils - at least I have my space.

LOL! There you go Michael!

Just be real - what is that saying about the truth - you don't have to worry about keeping your story straight!

Some times you have to be 'cruel to be kind'.


p.s. I am down to the truth with my family 'I hate the holidays'. period.

well half truth - i hate the holidays with them.

Then I pull a Greta Garbo:

'I just vant to be alone'

Great ones so far. I'm sure we will be helping our Fellow Warriors in ways we can hardly imagine now.



One more.

Get everyone really quiet. Tune the radio to all static and turn it up loud. Handwrite a note saying something like "Don't say ANYTHING! The room is bugged. Thank you for being here. Supreme Leader will be here in 5 minutes to start the initiation."

Again, it's all in the details. Wear gloves. Write in large block letters with a purple crayon. Hold the letter while each person reads it. Once the last person reads it, set it on fire and sprinkle the ashes over everyone. Turn the radio down. Then say, "these ashes are your oath to secrecy".

You may never have to worry about getting rid of holiday guests again. Or any guests for that matter.



All the best,
Michael "I don't know why I delight in this kind of humor" Oksa

p.s
@Pat - COMPLETELY off topic, but... Your new avatar is great. It exudes attitude.

Did I ever tell you that Jim Jones was my idol? He's really gotten a bad wrap through the years hasn't he?

Kool-Aid anyone?



Scot

LOL

Not facetious at all.

To be honest? My first thought was, "Now she's finally showing some of that punk attitude".

@Scot, I'll bring the pizza from Glass Nickel, THEN we can wash it down with the Kool-Aid...just as long as I don't go first.

~M~

I say, "We can't pick you up for the airport, so you'll have to sort it out and pay for it." The paying for it bit seems to thin out the herd.

Get to a phone and secretly call someone and have them call you back.

When the phone rings, excuse yourself, and then start talking loud enough for guests to hear: "Look, You know I can't turn you away, but if you start in trying to panhandle from my company again I'm going to be ticked off, these aren't hostages and I don't like it when you come here and beg from my guests."

They always will seem to need to do something else very suddenly.

Or, you could always try the shock and guilt thing. Here's
how it works...

"If you come over I'm gonna put a screwdriver in my ear
and hit it with a hammer."

A little much for you? Geez.

Ok, here's a milder alternative. But first I have to admit that
I've never had this problem we're discussing. lol. But it's fun
to imagine these things.

What I would really do if I had this problem...

Tell them they can't come over and explain why. Just say it
and be done with it. If they choose to get angry, then they
do. At least your holiday thing won't be ruined.

I should be a counselor. Yes?

Personally I get along w/ most of my relatives. That could be good or bad. You know what they say, if you can't locate the smelliest person in the room, then YOU are the smelliest person. In other words, I'll be looking for these excuses when I visit my relatives this holiday season.

However if I was looking to get rid of someone, I'd break out into a session of nude karaoke. And believe me this is one time when 2 negatives does NOT equal a positive. :p

Well this one wasn't used for this purpose, it was a practical joke my dad played on a friend but I suspect it would work very well on unwanted guests as well lol.

So what you do, is take the label off some tinned meat and swap it with a dog food label, making sure that your guests observe you serving it out. Can have some other tins out nearby, ox tongue, lamb brain... whatever you can find thats absolutely disgusting. I can guarantee you that your guests will suddenly find somewhere else to be lol.

Exercise kaizen "5 whys".

Why are they staying too long?

Why are they present to begin with?


There... solved the problem in 2.

Don't invite them.

Then getting rid of them is no longer a problem.