Claude's Halloween Picture

by Kurt
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  • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
    Look closely, proof that Whitacre's a woman
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    • Profile picture of the author whateverpedia
      Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

      Look closely, proof that Whitacre's a woman
      The camel wants its toe back
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      So that blind people can hate them as well.
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  • Profile picture of the author tagiscom
    Originally Posted by Kurt View Post

    That is cruel Kurt,...accurate but cruel, lol.

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  • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
    Originally Posted by Kurt View Post

    He's wearing a cape, which means he's a super hero. I'll take it.
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  • Let the croonin' begin ...


    It's now or Hoover,
    Come sweep me right
    Clean me my darling,
    Be mine tonight
    Tomorrow will be too late,
    It's now or Hoover
    My rug won't wait.
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    Lightin' fuses is for blowin' stuff togethah.

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  • Profile picture of the author Kurt
    Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

    Look closely, proof that Whitacre's a woman
    No. You can't make me.


    Originally Posted by whateverpedia View Post

    The camel wants its toe back
    Oh no it doesn't. The camel said keep it.
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  • Profile picture of the author Kay King
    It's like a bad accident - you don't want to see it but you just can't look away.


    I would think certain parts of that 'suit' have to hurt....I know my eyes do.
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    • Originally Posted by Kay King View Post

      It's like a bad accident - you don't want to see it but you just can't look away.


      I would think certain parts of that 'suit' have to hurt....I know my eyes do.

      Return to gender, I guess.
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      • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
        Originally Posted by Princess Balestra View Post

        Return to gender, I guess.
        Don't Be Cruel
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      • Profile picture of the author whateverpedia
        Originally Posted by Princess Balestra View Post

        Return to gender, I guess.
        He wants to be your teddy bare.
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        Why do garden gnomes smell so bad?
        So that blind people can hate them as well.
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        • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
          Originally Posted by whateverpedia View Post

          He wants to be your teddy bare.
          When Claude goes to a fast food restaurant and orders boneless chicken, he sits there eating it and sings: "Love Me Tenders"
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        • Profile picture of the author tagiscom
          Originally Posted by whateverpedia View Post

          He wants to be your teddy bare.
          And Burning Toast!

          "Burning love", song reference
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  • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
    He has a vertical streak of white glop on his chest.....

    I didn't know it was that kind of a party.
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    • Profile picture of the author Kurt
      Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

      He has a vertical streak of white glop on his chest.....

      I didn't know it was that kind of a party.
      Sure you did...and why do you refer to yourself as "he"?
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    • Profile picture of the author tagiscom
      Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

      He has a vertical streak of white glop on his chest.....

      I didn't know it was that kind of a party.
      Sure you did, or you always put a streak of Wedding cake icing on your chest before going into battle!

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    • Profile picture of the author whateverpedia
      Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

      He has a vertical streak of white glop on his chest.....

      I didn't know it was that kind of a party.
      No doubt he'd claim what is known as The Whitacre Defence. "Hey my sandwich had too much mayo in it and I spilled some on myself". This defence does not work anywhere outside of the Wooster Men's Sauna And Bathhouse.
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      • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
        Originally Posted by whateverpedia View Post

        No doubt he'd claim what is known as The Whitacre Defence. "Hey my sandwich had too much mayo in it and I spilled some on myself". This defence does not work anywhere outside of the Wooster Men's Sauna And Bathhouse.
        To be honest, my wife never believes it either.
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        • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
          Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

          To be honest, my wife never believes it either.
          Have you tried the "Ranch Dressing" defence. Although most of the time that one ends up around your Hidden Valley
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          • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
            Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

            Have you tried the "Ranch Dressing" defence. Although most of the time that one ends up around your Hidden Valley
            Big Valley.

            Originally Posted by Kurt View Post

            Claude Whitacre is Scrotum Man. In a World full of tighty-whities, he lifts and separates.
            My superhero name is Alabaster Tally Whacker. And my wife's superhero name is Whipper Snapper.

            For once, I just want to hear.."Look out! It's The Alabaster Tally Whacker...and Whipper Snapper!".


            Really, that would make this entire life worth while.
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            • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
              Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

              Big Valley.



              My superhero name is Alabaster Tally Whacker. And my wife's superhero name is Whipper Snapper.

              For once, I just want to hear.."Look out! It's The Alabaster Tally Whacker...and Whipper Snapper!".


              Really, that would make this entire life worth while.
              Look out! It's The Alabaster Tally Whacker...and Whipper Snapper!.

              There done, I have private messaged you details of where to send the check too.
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            • Profile picture of the author Kurt
              Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

              Big Valley.



              My superhero name is Alabaster Tally Whacker. And my wife's superhero name is Whipper Snapper.

              For once, I just want to hear.."Look out! It's The Alabaster Tally Whacker...and Whipper Snapper!".


              Really, that would make this entire life worth while.
              Why do you assume you get top billing and Cheryl is the side kick? Does she know about this?
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  • Gotta tell you guys, I keep comin' back here jus' to check if Claude has posted an actschwl photo of his actschwl self in an Elvis outfit from back in the day.

    Yanno ... like it is Noo Years 1972 ... an' all hope of fyooture Circumference Doom is alive an' kickin' bcs yeah, they nevah had trooly stretch kinda fabrics back then, so the all-consoomin' tightness registered instantly ... plus there is way more "see how I can kick my feet above my head" kinda kung fu action than is evident in Taggo's (frankly way risible) Faux King.

    Only ... Claude ain't posted nuthin'.

    It is not my custom to crawl away into a silent WEEP-FRIENDLY corner, dispirited an' disenchanted, lost & alone, but I nonetheless find my hopes trooly dashed in precisely this soul-suckin' fashion.

    The Prezzster was a Capricorn -- an' mebbe rn my heart is broke.
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    • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
      Originally Posted by Princess Balestra View Post

      Gotta tell you guys, I keep comin' back here jus' to check if Claude has posted an actschwl photo of his actschwl self in an Elvis outfit from back in the day.

      Yanno ... like it is Noo Years 1972 ... an' all hope of fyooture Circumference Doom is alive an' kickin' bcs yeah, they nevah had trooly stretch kinda fabrics back then, so the all-consoomin' tightness registered instantly ... plus there is way more "see how I can kick my feet above my head" kinda kung fu action than is evident in Taggo's (frankly way risible) Faux King.

      Only ... Claude ain't posted nuthin'.

      It is not my custom to crawl away into a silent WEEP-FRIENDLY corner, dispirited an' disenchanted, lost & alone, but I nonetheless find my hopes trooly dashed in precisely this soul-suckin' fashion.

      The Prezzster was a Capricorn -- an' mebbe rn my heart is broke.
      Alas, Claude was never an Elvis Impersonator. There was only one role he played, in a movie, called "The Blob" Not a speaking part.
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  • Profile picture of the author Odahh
    When I was a street performer in Vegas I was talking to the guy who was doing Elvis personations for fifty years and could earn 6figures a year

    He hand made the real nice costumes and could sell them for 10,000 or more but he madeoreoney wearing them .

    It is easy to laugh at this guy but if he really wears that suit he probably makes pretty good money.

    And it seem the official term is moose knuckle not camel toe
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    • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
      Originally Posted by Odahh View Post

      When I was a street performer in Vegas I was talking to the guy who was doing Elvis personations for fifty years and could earn 6figures a year

      He hand made the real nice costumes and could sell them for 10,000 or more but he madeoreoney wearing them .

      It is easy to laugh at this guy but if he really wears that suit he probably makes pretty good money.

      And it seem the official term is moose knuckle not camel toe
      Impersonator for 50 years, that would make him about 70. Lots of makeup and a wig then or an old version of Elvis who died in his 40's
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  • Profile picture of the author Kurt
    Here's a video of Claude and his date at the Wooster All Male Nude Bathhouse and Bingo Parlor:
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  • Profile picture of the author IGotMine
    Alabaster Tally Whacker. And my wife's superhero name is Whipper Snapper.
    New From Lion's Gate:

    In a world that's seriously F@cked-up, A Dynamic duo rises to fight ignorance, taste-less humor and really bad puns. Posters of silly memes and poor quality videos cringe in fear at the very mention of Alabaster Tally Whacker and Whipper Snapper.
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    • Profile picture of the author Odahh
      Originally Posted by IGotMine View Post

      New From Lion's Gate:

      In a world that's seriously F@cked-up, A Dynamic duo rises to fight ignorance, taste-less humor and really bad puns. Posters of silly memes and poor quality videos cringe in fear at the very mention of Alabaster Tally Whacker and Whipper Snapper.
      Oh no the first social justice warrior super heros . When their targets fight back. They use their super power of safe space.

      Then to take out their enemies they pull out the super power that lists every dumb and insensitive thing a person said in their teen or early twenties . And create a horse of mindless zombies to chase tell the world about it and act offended
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      • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
        Originally Posted by Odahh View Post

        Oh no the first social justice warrior super heros . When their targets fight back. They use their super power of safe space.

        Then to take out their enemies they pull out the super power that lists every dumb and insensitive thing a person said in their teen or early twenties . And create a horse of mindless zombies to chase tell the world about it and act offended
        It's like you're reading my mind!

        And by the way, I'm offended...so very offended.
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        • Profile picture of the author Odahh
          Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

          It's like you're reading my mind!

          And by the way, I'm offended...so very offended.
          If I'm reading your mind I need massive amount of therapy it may take lifetimes
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        • Profile picture of the author Dan Riffle
          Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post


          And by the way, I'm offended...so very offended.
          "The Offended" would be a great name for your minions. Just a mindless group a zombies that do your politically correct bidding.
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          • Profile picture of the author tagiscom
            Originally Posted by Dan Riffle View Post

            "The Offended" would be a great name for your minions. Just a mindless group a zombies that do your politically correct bidding.
            Except Claude would go for the ice - cream van every time.

            Zombieland, reference.
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          • Profile picture of the author Odahh
            Originally Posted by Dan Riffle View Post

            "The Offended" would be a great name for your minions. Just a mindless group a zombies that do your politically correct bidding.
            Is that because they are sjws or or is it from the process of becoming Claude minions.

            In any case the term coined 100 years ago or so is useful idiots. But that gives them to much credit
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          • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
            Originally Posted by Dan Riffle View Post

            "The Offended" would be a great name for your minions. Just a mindless group a zombies that do your politically correct bidding.
            You know me too well. I'm all about being PC, and not offending anyone.

            I will now go to my safe room, where people are safe from me.

            And if it comes down to civil war, I will bring a stern reprimand to the gun fight...and see how you all like them apples!
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            • Profile picture of the author Dan Riffle
              Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

              You know me too well. I'm all about being PC, and not offending anyone.

              I will now go to my safe room, where people are safe from me.

              And if it comes down to civil war, I will bring a stern reprimand to the gun fight...and see how you all like them apples!
              I was referring to this, you slack-jawed droolmonger:


              Originally Posted by IGotMine View Post

              New From Lion's Gate:

              In a world that's seriously F@cked-up, A Dynamic duo rises to fight ignorance, taste-less humor and really bad puns. Posters of silly memes and poor quality videos cringe in fear at the very mention of Alabaster Tally Whacker and Whipper Snapper.
              Originally Posted by Odahh View Post

              Oh no the first social justice warrior super heros . When their targets fight back. They use their super power of safe space.

              Then to take out their enemies they pull out the super power that lists every dumb and insensitive thing a person said in their teen or early twenties . And create a horse of mindless zombies to chase tell the world about it and act offended

              Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

              It's like you're reading my mind!

              And by the way, I'm offended...so very offended.

              I can just picture the comic book....done in that 50's horror comic motif.
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              • Profile picture of the author Jeffery
                Originally Posted by Dan Riffle View Post

                I was referring to this, you slack-jawed droolmonger:

                I can just picture the comic book....done in that 50's horror comic motif.

                There you go using BIG WORDS again that I have to use the dictionary for.. good thing I replaced the pages with Playboy years ago.
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              • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
                Originally Posted by Dan Riffle View Post

                I was referring to this, you slack-jawed droolmonger:
                That's body shaming, and insulting the mentally challenged.

                This is why nobody likes you....that, and the fact that you look like a hairy 11 year old.
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                • Profile picture of the author Dan Riffle
                  Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post


                  This is why nobody likes you.
                  You keep saying this like I care.
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                  • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
                    Originally Posted by Dan Riffle View Post

                    You keep saying this like I care.
                    I was talking about your parents.
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                    • Profile picture of the author Dan Riffle
                      Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

                      I was talking about your parents.
                      Yeah, I know.
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                      • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
                        Originally Posted by Dan Riffle View Post

                        Yeah, I know.
                        I hope...the day you meet your real father...that you are nice to him. Any sane man would have abandoned you in the crib.


                        Do you ever laugh out loud as you are typing a good insult? I know I do.
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                      • Profile picture of the author Jeffery

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                      • Profile picture of the author Jeffery
                        Notice how the beach shakes like an earthquake when he lands, er splats.
                        And it was felt all the way to Indonesia!

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                        • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
                          Originally Posted by Jeffery View Post

                          Notice how the beach shakes like an earthquake when he lands, er splats.
                          And it was felt all the way to Indonesia!

                          Claude consumes so much food, he eats off Tectonic Plates
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                      • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
                        When Claude was performing his annual duties as Santa at the Wooster Dept Store.. Daisy the local Prostitute sat on his knee.. He went.. Ho, Ho, Ho.
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                        • Profile picture of the author tagiscom
                          Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

                          When Claude was performing his annual duties as Santa at the Wooster Dept Store.. Daisy the local Prostitute sat on his knee.. He went.. Ho, Ho, Ho.
                          But Claude does give donations to the local Wooster Homeless Barbecue and Gun Club event....and was heard saying...

                          "I decided to sell my Hoover.
                          Well..... it was just collecting dust"!
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                      • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
                        "Pile Driver used to be my stage name when I was a male stripper. At least I think that was my name. Everyone just called me by my first name, Pile.

                        I'm totally cereal."

                        I remember your adult parody. "This Ain't Gomer Pile"

                        As I've said before, yes, you are totally Cereal, a man of loose moral fibre
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                        • Profile picture of the author Jeffery
                          Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

                          "Pile Driver used to be my stage name when I was a male stripper. At least I think that was my name. Everyone just called me by my first name, Pile.

                          I'm totally cereal."

                          I remember your adult parody. "This Ain't Gomer Pile"

                          As I've said before, yes, you are totally Cereal, a man of loose moral fibre
                          You and Claude stripped at the same bar?
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                        • Profile picture of the author tagiscom
                          Originally Posted by Kurt View Post

                          You're being way too modest. You're also the reason for ear plugs, nose plugs, blindfolds and keg-sized cans of Febreeze.

                          And Claude is also responsible for the red skull and crossbone flashing warning at cinemas, to "duck and Cover".

                          I believe that his last movie, "The Thing That Ate The Blob" pushed this new classification through.
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                        • Profile picture of the author Kay King
                          Now we have high tech, Claude wears a GPS and every time he moves (which is rare) a calculation is made on his current mass and it's effect on the tilt of the Earth.

                          I read a 'news' article yesterday about two women who found their husband/boyfriend was cheating on them....thanks to 'high tech'.


                          They had fitbits or similar devices and had synced (sp?) with their partner and the heartbeat rates gave the men away. (why would the heart rate be quickly spiking in the same 'business meeting' each week?



                          Are you in sync with Claude? I have to say - that is WAY to much 'togetherness' for me.
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                          • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
                            Originally Posted by Kay King View Post

                            I read a 'news' article yesterday about two women who found their husband/boyfriend was cheating on them....thanks to 'high tech'.


                            They had fitbits or similar devices and had synced (sp?) with their partner and the heartbeat rates gave the men away. (why would the heart rate be quickly spiking in the same 'business meeting' each week?



                            Are you in sync with Claude? I have to say - that is WAY to much 'togetherness' for me.
                            Claude wears a Fatbit, it monitors his food intake and plays a fanfare when he reaches his daily goal of 3000 calories.
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                            • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
                              Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

                              Claude wears a Fatbit, it monitors his food intake and plays a fanfare when he reaches his daily goal of 3000 calories.
                              Yup, every morning at 6AM.
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                            • Profile picture of the author tagiscom
                              Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

                              Claude wears a Fatbit, it monitors his food intake and plays a fanfare when he reaches his daily goal of 3000 calories.
                              He also wears a smart watch that plays Bolero, every time he walks directly to a Krispy Kreme store, and is within range of the overpowering aroma of hot oil and donut batter.

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                • Profile picture of the author Jeffery
                  Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

                  That's body shaming, and insulting the mentally challenged.

                  This is why nobody likes you....that, and the fact that you look like a hairy 11 year old.
                  Mentally challenged? I was not insulted.
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            • Profile picture of the author Odahh
              Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

              You know me too well. I'm all about being PC, and not offending anyone.

              I will now go to my safe room, where people are safe from me.

              And if it comes down to civil war, I will bring a stern reprimand to the gun fight...and see how you all like them apples!
              In case of a civil war the deciding lines are drawn between those who believe there are only two genders and urinals should be in men's bathroom.

              And yes Claude your personal bathroom may be nice . But does it really qualify as a safe room.
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              • Profile picture of the author Dan Riffle
                Originally Posted by Odahh View Post

                And yes Claude your personal bathroom may be nice . But does it really qualify as a safe room.
                I'm pretty sure nothing's safe in Claude's bathroom.
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                • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
                  Originally Posted by Dan Riffle View Post

                  I'm pretty sure nothing's safe in Claude's bathroom.
                  Idiot! Nothing is safe in my Kitchen.

                  You know what's safe in my bathroom? The shower.

                  Do I have to do everything for you?
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  • Profile picture of the author JOSEILLO
    JAJAJA GREETINGS, EXCELLENT OPTION AND VERY FUNNY FOR THIS DATE.
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  • In our fun time Halloween nightmares, what is to say all our super special opinions ain't bein' manipulated into bein' from THE BEYOND?

    Originally Posted by Kurt View Post

    How do you know when Riffle is typing?
    tbh I would wish always to be real selective 'bout who is fingerin' my synapses.

    That is why I go sleep evry night imaginin' Benedict Cumberbatch on sum lame kinda CELEBRITIES KNEAD DOUGH TV show ...

    only insteada the dough

    he massagin' my braino into sweet oblivion

    with but the tender touch

    of his woids.

    Hey, but I would naht care if'n he got a tennis racquet or sumthin an' asked me to bend ovah.

    Gotta love healthy axescise -- speshly when all available parabolae hit zero.
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  • Profile picture of the author Kurt
    Please be patient everyone. Claude is working on a comeback and he should be posting it any day now.
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    • Originally Posted by Kurt View Post

      Please be patient everyone. Claude is working on a comeback and he should be posting it any day now.

      Long as he ain't plannin' no combovah, guy can bounce back any time for Moi.
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    • Profile picture of the author tagiscom
      Originally Posted by Kurt View Post

      Please be patient everyone. Claude is working on a comeback and he should be posting it any day now.
      Fiverr gigs take time!

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    • Profile picture of the author Odahh
      Originally Posted by Kurt View Post

      Please be patient everyone. Claude is working on a comeback and he should be posting it any day now.
      Don't count on it . He is busy going to all the stores that sell Halloween candy 80 percent off the day after halloween
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      • Profile picture of the author tagiscom
        Originally Posted by Odahh View Post

        Don't count on it . He is busy going to all the stores that sell Halloween candy 80 percent off the day after halloween
        Funny thing is at Halloween, when he goes around to houses, he doesn't have to do any tricks, and immediately gets treats!

        He is busy in his store as we speak, counting all of the candy, bank notes, and restraining orders.

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    • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
      Originally Posted by Kurt View Post

      Please be patient everyone. Claude is working on a comeback and he should be posting it any day now.
      Thanks for the update..I thought Elvis had left the building
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  • Profile picture of the author tryinhere
    It is sad to see that out of only 17 new posts on warrior (in the last 24 hours or so), that this post post has 3 times more replies than any other current new post on warrior, not even the in house forum poster? can gather a handful of replies.
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    | > Choosing to go off the grid for a while to focus on family, work and life in general. Have a great 2020 < |
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    • Profile picture of the author Jeffery
      Originally Posted by tryinhere View Post

      It is sad to see that out of only 17 new posts on warrior (in the last 24 hours or so), that this post post has 3 times more replies than any other current new post on warrior, not even the in house forum poster? can gather a handful of replies.
      11/3/2019
      Currently Active Users: 5399 (168 members and 5231 guests)
      Currently Active Users: 5399 (168 Claude Fans and 5231 Claude Leeches)
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      In the minute it took me to write this post.. someone died of Covid 19. RIP.
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    • Profile picture of the author Odahh
      Originally Posted by tryinhere View Post

      It is sad to see that out of only 17 new posts on warrior (in the last 24 hours or so), that this post post has 3 times more replies than any other current new post on warrior, not even the in house forum poster? can gather a handful of replies.
      Simple math the 17 new posts in the last 24 hours have been up less than 24 hours . This post has been up a week and 2/3 of the replies can fit in a tweet
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  • Profile picture of the author Kurt
    A memory from Claude and Cheryl's wedding album...

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    • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
      Originally Posted by Kurt View Post

      A memory from Claude and Cheryl's wedding album...

      Yes, I'm so glad you were able to attend. I hope we got your good side.
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    • Profile picture of the author Odahh
      Originally Posted by Kurt View Post

      A memory from Claude and Cheryl's wedding album...

      That should be indecent exposure his boobs are bigger than most of the showgirls on the strip he should at least have to wear pasties .

      Hey when clauses not impersonating Elvis he is in a wedding dress on the strip near Vic the Elvis impersonator . Only video I could find
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      • Profile picture of the author Kurt
        Originally Posted by Odahh View Post

        That should be indecent exposure his boobs are bigger than most of the showgirls on the strip he should at least have to wear pasties .

        Hey when clauses not impersonating Elvis he is in a wedding dress on the strip near Vic the Elvis impersonator . Only video I could find
        It's not a coincidence that both "Claude" and "cleavage" start with "cl" and end with an "e".
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      • Profile picture of the author tagiscom
        Originally Posted by Odahh View Post

        That should be indecent exposure his boobs are bigger than most of the showgirls on the strip he should at least have to wear pasties .

        Hey when clauses not impersonating Elvis he is in a wedding dress on the strip near Vic the Elvis impersonator . Only video I could find
        Isn't that the bag that was used in the Falling Down, Micheal Douglas movie,....never mind.

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  • Profile picture of the author Kurt
    Promo video of the first lesson at "Claude's School of Diving for Aquaphobics". Note the expert technique of the final "chop steps" to perfectly time the dive.

    Next lesson: Cliff Diving.


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  • Profile picture of the author Kurt
    Video of Claude hurrying after discovering his watch stopped and he only has two hours before the Wooster Golden Coral Buffet closes.


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  • Profile picture of the author Kurt
    Home movies of a young Claude preparing for his audition with the Vienna Boys Choir:

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  • Profile picture of the author Kurt
    Security cam video of Claude making a quick get-away after heisting a bag of donuts from the Wooster Krispy Kreme.

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  • Profile picture of the author Kurt
    Dash cam footage of Claude's Towing and Pedicure Service in action:

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  • Profile picture of the author Kurt
    Timely...home movies of Claude and Cheryl's first Thanksgiving together and the start of a holiday tradition.

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  • Profile picture of the author Kurt
    Claude's Christmas picture:


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    • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
      Originally Posted by Kurt View Post

      Claude's Christmas picture:


      Man, I wish I looked that good.
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      • Profile picture of the author Kurt
        Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

        Man, I wish I looked that good.
        Why do I have a feeling Santa Claude wouldn't make it down a chimney due to your enormous girth?
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        • Profile picture of the author Jeffery
          Originally Posted by Kurt View Post

          Why do I have a feeling Santa Claude wouldn't make it down a chimney due to your enormous girth?

          OMG, thoughts of lube. Yuck.
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        • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
          Originally Posted by Kurt View Post

          Why do I have a feeling Santa Claude wouldn't make it down a chimney due to your enormous girth?
          Years ago, I wanted to get T-shirts for my wife and me. Mine would say "Square Peg" and hers would say "Round Hole".


          I wanted to wear them at her family's Christmas dinner.

          Wisely, she refused.

          It's weird, the things you would happily do at 30, that you would never do at 60. It's like two different worlds.


          Originally Posted by Kurt View Post

          Lots of lube and an industrial-sized pile driver. FYI Santa Claude doesn't leave presents after breaking in. He just steals all the cookies left out for the real Santa.
          Pile Driver used to be my stage name when I was a male stripper. At least I think that was my name. Everyone just called me by my first name, Pile.

          I'm totally cereal.
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          • Profile picture of the author Kurt
            Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

            Pile Driver used to be my stage name when I was a male stripper. At least I think that was my name. Everyone just called me by my first name, Pile.

            I'm totally cereal.

            Yes they did call you Pile due to your chronic medical condition exposed when you pole danced:
            https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/239454.php
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          • Profile picture of the author whateverpedia
            Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

            Pile Driver used to be my stage name when I was a male stripper.
            The only stripper in history whose act was greeted by calls of "Put it back on" from the crowd.
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            • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
              Originally Posted by whateverpedia View Post

              The only stripper in history whose act was greeted by calls of "Put it back on" from the crowd.
              I'm the reason couples turn off the lights when they undress before going to bed.

              I'm the reason they invented pajamas.

              Woe is me.
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              • Profile picture of the author Kurt
                Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

                I'm the reason couples turn off the lights when they undress before going to bed.

                I'm the reason they invented pajamas.

                Woe is me.
                You're being way too modest. You're also the reason for ear plugs, nose plugs, blindfolds and keg-sized cans of Febreeze.
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                • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
                  Originally Posted by Kurt View Post

                  You're being way too modest. You're also the reason for ear plugs, nose plugs, blindfolds and keg-sized cans of Febreeze.
                  When I was a kid, my Mom bought me Soap On A Rope (remember that?)

                  I asked why she gave me soap...that was on the end of a rope.

                  She said "The rope has a 180 pound test strength. How much do you weigh?"

                  I said "About 200 pounds". (I was 8 years old)

                  She said "I'll see if this comes with a thicker rope".

                  When we went fishing off a bridge over a lake, she gave me a new gift. She said "I know you are getting tired of the soap on a rope."

                  I got all excited. I asked, as I opened the box "What is it?"

                  It was Anchor On A Rope. She told me to try it on.

                  Cereal.
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                  • Profile picture of the author Kurt
                    Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

                    When I was a kid, my Mom bought me Soap On A Rope (remember that?)

                    I asked why she gave me soap...that was on the end of a rope.

                    She said "The rope has a 180 pound test strength. How much do you weigh?"

                    I said "About 200 pounds". (I was 8 years old)

                    She said "I'll see if this comes with a thicker rope".

                    When we went fishing off a bridge over a lake, she gave me a new gift. She said "I know you are getting tired of the soap on a rope."

                    I got all excited. I asked, as I opened the box "What is it?"

                    It was Anchor On A Rope. She told me to try it on.

                    Cereal.
                    And you wonder why we all have a bad case of clauderophobia...
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                  • Profile picture of the author DWolfe
                    Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post


                    I got all excited. I asked, as I opened the box "What is it?"

                    It was Anchor On A Rope. She told me to try it on.

                    Cereal.
                    She even got you some help to tie it around your neck

                    https://www.usni.org/magazines/naval...s-and-stoppers
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                • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
                  Originally Posted by Kurt View Post

                  You're being way too modest. You're also the reason for ear plugs, nose plugs, blindfolds and keg-sized cans of Febreeze.
                  You forgot the buttplugs
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                • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
                  Originally Posted by Kurt View Post

                  You're being way too modest. You're also the reason for ear plugs, nose plugs, blindfolds and keg-sized cans of Febreeze.
                  Aha, Kurt, I see you are from the old Earth like me. The one who remembers the correct spelling of Febreeze. It's what you remember, like I do along with many others.

                  According to current history, it is spelt Febreze and always has been.Interesting how neither were underlined as a typo?

                  Of course you will say you made a typo but apparently you did not. Just a little Mandela Effect ditty for you.

                  Of course, being a man of Science, you will say it's just a false memory, a trick of a flawed mind. Thing is, there seems to have been a plethora of them popped out of nowhere over the last few years.
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          • Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

            Pile Driver used to be my stage name when I was a male stripper.

            Jus' checkin' how many males you stripped, Claude.


            Plus ... didya use your TEETH?
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  • Profile picture of the author Kurt
    A picture of the Whitacre home...guess which room is Claude's?

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  • Profile picture of the author Kurt
    The Sweeper Store is offering free gift wrapping until Christmas. Be careful...all the presents wrapped by Claude suffer from shrinkage and your upright will quickly turn to a handheld if your not careful.

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    • Originally Posted by Kurt View Post

      The Sweeper Store is offering free gift wrapping until Christmas. Be careful...all the presents wrapped by Claude suffer from shrinkage and your upright will quickly turn to a handheld if your not careful.

      All I know is, I ain't buyin' no hoovah got no srs crevice attachment.


      Drivin' the pile don't take too much smarts, whether you BAG or CYLINDAH, but yeah, sneakin' your sucks into them hard-to-find places demands a spesh kinda technology.


      "Extends and flexes to clean awkward gaps with a rubber section to balance toughness and flexibility."


      Plz do not force Moi to repurpose IRL HOOVAH COPY for a way more lucrative market ...
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  • Profile picture of the author Kurt
    Riffle at a Wooster police roadblock after Claude called the police on Riffle for not pulling his finger.

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  • Profile picture of the author Kurt
    Memories of Claude's visit to the proctologist...

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  • Profile picture of the author Kurt
    Scene from "The Dumb, the Creepy and the Noseless" starring Claude Morningwood.

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  • Profile picture of the author Kurt
    8mm footage of Claude as a baby:


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    • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
      Originally Posted by Kurt View Post

      8mm footage of Claude as a baby:


      I remember that day. I had my shirt on backwards. And I was a girl.
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      • Profile picture of the author Dan Riffle
        Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

        I remember that day. I had my shirt on backwards. And I was a girl.
        Was?

        ......
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    • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
      Originally Posted by Kurt View Post

      8mm footage of Claude as a baby:


      Of course, the baby is adorable.

      But it reminds me that our dear friend, Dan Riffle, suffers from shortus limbus. It's a disease that keep the body proportions the same as a 2 year old, all through life.

      Give generously.
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      • Profile picture of the author Kurt
        Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

        Of course, the baby is adorable.

        But it reminds me that our dear friend, Dan Riffle, suffers from shortus limbus. It's a disease that keep the body proportions the same as a 2 year old, all through life.

        Give generously.
        For me, the funny part of the video isn't her expression. It's that she learned that expression from someone else standing on the scale...BTW is that your niece?
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      • Profile picture of the author whateverpedia
        Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

        Give generously.
        I only have two fists. How much more do you expect from me?
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        • Profile picture of the author Dan Riffle
          Originally Posted by whateverpedia View Post

          I only have two fists. How much more do you expect from me?
          If you'd get them out of your pants, you might be able to hit somebody.
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          • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
            Originally Posted by Dan Riffle View Post

            If you'd get them out of your pants, you might be able to hit somebody.
            Of course his fists are in his pants. That's where your face is.
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            • Profile picture of the author Dan Riffle
              Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

              Of course his fists are in his pants. That's where your face is.
              You're externalizing your fantasies again.
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              • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
                Originally Posted by Dan Riffle View Post

                You're externalizing your fantasies again.
                Not until you grow that mustache again.

                (I knew you'd like that last post)
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  • Profile picture of the author Jeffery
    I didn't know digital scales existed back then.


    Adorable!
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    • Profile picture of the author Kurt
      Originally Posted by Jeffery View Post

      I didn't know digital scales existed back then.


      Adorable!
      In Claude's youth he didn't measure his weight by pounds. Instead it was by how many spins the dial made. "Hey! I'm down to 3 1/2 spins!".
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      • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
        Originally Posted by Kurt View Post

        In Claude's youth he didn't measure his weight by pounds. Instead it was by how many spins the dial made. "Hey! I'm down to 3 1/2 spins!".
        Now we have high tech, Claude wears a GPS and every time he moves (which is rare) a calculation is made on his current mass and it's effect on the tilt of the Earth.
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