In Desparate Need of Something FUNNY

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Could be joke, video, story, even news....


I just saw a commercials compilation video...had a little too much content hahaha can not share it..


But one video not too controversial made me LOL....


A guy is at an indoor shooting gallery. Behind him is a very skeptical stone faced looking gentleman could work there, be the owner, or just passing by....


The guys first shot hits to the left of the target....hit nothing.


The guys 2nd shot also hit to the left of the target hit nothing.


The face on the guy in back of him looking very "it's amateur time!"


The guys last shot hit right in the center of a perfect Bulls Eye!


The physical paper target begins to auto reel to him....


He grabs the paper target....


He opens his personal binder full of previous targets he saved...


The two bullet holes on the left side fit the binder rings perfectly...
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  • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
    A man walks into a bar with a Duck and a biscuit tin. He sets the biscuit tin on the bar and puts the Duck on it who immediately starts dancing. Wow, says the owner of the bar, how talented. I would love to have that Duck as a feature in my bar, how much would you take for it. $500.00 says the man.

    The barman pays him. As he is walking out with the money the barman asks, how do you stop the Duck dancing. The man, rapidly exiting says: "You take the lid off the biscuit tin and blow out the candles"
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    • Profile picture of the author Dan Riffle
      Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

      A man walks into a bar with a Duck and a biscuit tin. He sets the biscuit tin on the bar and puts the Duck on it who immediately starts dancing. Wow, says the owner of the bar, how talented. I would love to have that Duck as a feature in my bar, how much would you take for it. $500.00 says the man.

      The barman pays him. As he is walking out with the money the barman asks, how do you stop the Duck dancing. The man, rapidly exiting says: "You take the lid off the biscuit tin and blow out the candles"
      How were the candles getting oxygen to stay lit in the first place?
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      • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
        Originally Posted by Dan Riffle View Post

        How were the candles getting oxygen to stay lit in the first place?
        Is this the absurd joke scientific analysis dept.
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    • Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

      A man walks into a bar with a Duck and a biscuit tin. He sets the biscuit tin on the bar and puts the Duck on it who immediately starts dancing. Wow, says the owner of the bar, how talented. I would love to have that Duck as a feature in my bar, how much would you take for it. $500.00 says the man.

      The barman pays him. As he is walking out with the money the barman asks, how do you stop the Duck dancing. The man, rapidly exiting says: "You take the lid off the biscuit tin and blow out the candles"
      I'm not joking. I've read this about 5 timers...and I don't get it. Could you just explain it to me?
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    • Profile picture of the author Frank Donovan
      Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

      A man walks into a bar with a Duck and a biscuit tin. He sets the biscuit tin on the bar and puts the Duck on it who immediately starts dancing. Wow, says the owner of the bar, how talented. I would love to have that Duck as a feature in my bar, how much would you take for it. $500.00 says the man.
      The barman pays him. As he is walking out with the money the barman asks, how do you stop the Duck dancing. The man, rapidly exiting says: "You take the lid off the biscuit tin and blow out the candles"
      How did the man manage to carry both the duck and what must have been a fairly large tin into the bar?
      Wouldn't the heat-proof gloves the man must have been wearing be a giveaway?
      When placed on the hot tin, why didn't the duck just fly away?
      Did the barman conduct a cost/benefit analysis before accepting the man's price?
      Did the bar have a suitable animal welfare licence?
      The $500 was the price negotiated for the duck. How come the barman also ended up with the tin?


      The Absurd Joke Logic Analysis Dept. (UK Division)
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      • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
        Originally Posted by Frank Donovan View Post

        How did the man manage to carry both the duck and what must have been a fairly large tin into the bar?
        Wouldn't the heat-proof gloves the man must have been wearing be a giveaway?
        When placed on the hot tin, why didn't the duck just fly away?
        Did the barman conduct a cost/benefit analysis before accepting the man's price?
        Did the bar have a suitable animal welfare licence?
        The $500 was the price negotiated for the duck. How come the barman also ended up with the tin?


        The Absurd Joke Logic Analysis Dept. (UK Division)
        "How did the man manage to carry both the duck and what must have been a fairly large tin into the bar?"

        The man wheeled them in on a trolley, the biscuit tin was on an iron stand.

        "Wouldn't the heat-proof gloves the man must have been wearing be a giveaway?"

        The man wore slimline insulated gloves colored to look like human hands, something he developed

        "When placed on the hot tin, why didn't the duck just fly away?"

        Well, the duck had had it's wings clipped, also the man had a whole coup of ducks which he trains continuously by initially putting things around the biscuit tins like low electric shock devices that deterred the ducks from stepping off. After a while it was entrenched into the ducks minds that stepping off the tin would be more painful than lifting it's feet in turn off the tin's lid. Thus the scam would work on the night.

        "Did the barman conduct a cost/benefit analysis before accepting the man's price?, Did the bar have a suitable animal welfare licence? "

        All bar owners are impetuous fools who want instant gratification and don't generally think about things like this. Also, they are thinking a dancing duck in their bar would spread by word of mouth and draw trade, not to mention posting: "come and see our incredible dancing duck" on their social media pages would bring the punters in.

        "The $500 was the price negotiated for the duck. How come the barman also ended up with the tin?'

        The man of course had to include the tin in the price and say it was needed as the duck had been trained to dance on it. The duck would not have danced anyway without it.

        Hope that clears a few things up.
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      • Originally Posted by Frank Donovan View Post

        How did the man manage to carry both the duck and what must have been a fairly large tin into the bar?
        Wouldn't the heat-proof gloves the man must have been wearing be a giveaway?
        When placed on the hot tin, why didn't the duck just fly away?
        Did the barman conduct a cost/benefit analysis before accepting the man's price?
        Did the bar have a suitable animal welfare licence?
        The $500 was the price negotiated for the duck. How come the barman also ended up with the tin?


        The Absurd Joke Logic Analysis Dept. (UK Division)
        I think you are missing the important points here....

        What gender does the duck identify with? Is it binary? Non-binary? Which restroom does the duck use?

        Was the duck a member of a union?

        What if the duck got burned? What kind of health care was the duck getting?

        Did the duck get a percentage of the gate, or just paid to perform?

        How old was the duck? Was it underage? Who managed the duck's career?

        Was the bar Duck assessable?

        Did the duck get free drinks?

        Did the duck get it's expenses paid by the bar, or did the bar owner put the duck's expenses on its bill?

        The Wooster Caucus Of Duck Rights.
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        • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
          Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

          I think you are missing the important points here....

          What gender does the duck identify with? Is it binary? Non-binary? Which restroom does the duck use?

          Was the duck a member of a union?

          What if the duck got burned? What kind of health care was the duck getting?

          Did the duck get a percentage of the gate, or just paid to perform?

          How old was the duck? Was it underage? Who managed the duck's career?

          Was the bar Duck assessable?

          Did the duck get free drinks?

          Did the duck get it's expenses paid by the bar, or did the bar owner put the duck's expenses on its bill?

          The Wooster Caucus Of Duck Rights.
          "Did the duck get it's expenses paid by the bar, or did the bar owner put the duck's expenses on its bill?"

          On it's "Bill" that's a good one
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          • Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

            "Did the duck get it's expenses paid by the bar, or did the bar owner put the duck's expenses on its bill?"

            On it's "Bill" that's a good one
            Don't tease me. Don't play with my emotions. I'm in a fragile state right now.
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  • Profile picture of the author Kay King
    I've read this about 5 timers...and I don't get it. Could you just explain it to me?

    You've heard of a 'hot tin roof'? This was a hot tin LID....it will hit you about 3 AM in the morning....
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    • Originally Posted by Kay King View Post

      You've heard of a 'hot tin roof'? This was a hot tin LID....it will hit you about 3 AM in the morning....
      Weird. I immediately got it when I read your post. But I'm not sure I ever would have understood the joke on my own. Thanks,
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      • Profile picture of the author Dan Riffle
        Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

        Weird. I immediately got it when I read your post. But I'm not sure I ever would have understood the joke on my own. Thanks,
        I'm pretty sure this is a familiar feeling for you...
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  • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
    On You-Tube there is a pretty normal guy called "Canadian Studmuffin" who lives in Trenton, Ontario Canada. He does offbeat reviews of processed foods, makes up various characters and dresses up like them, reviews classic rock albums. Not amazingly funny but quirky and reasonably entertaining (like Dan Riffle). He has a large following.

    He has a strange Canadian accent and his opening line is always: "Hi fans of high quality entertainment."

    Not knowing Trenton Ontario (where it snows a lot) I latched on to doing quips about it as being a backward community. He always gives me a heart of approval and sometimes comments back. A few examples.

    1) He does a rather poor overlay in the sky of a UFO outside his house. I replied:

    "You don't fool me, that was never Trenton Ontario"

    2) He was watching that crazed woman doing the recent chanting and speaking in tongues with the guy walking backwards and forwards behind her, over the election. I replied:

    "For a minute there, I thought I was watching a typical Council Meeting In Trenton, Ontario"

    3) Someone asked what Christmas was like there. I replied:

    "They don't put on nativity play's in Trenton Ontario, they could never find Three Wise Men"

    4) He boasts about his website making abilities and shows two appalling websites he has done (tongue in cheek) hoping to drum up business. I reply:

    "Once they get the internet up and running in Trenton Ontario I'm sure local businesses will come flocking to your door"

    Anyone ever heard quips about your home town if it is in the back of beyond. Like: "Brisbane Australia, 60 million flies cant be wrong"
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  • EXCELLENT!


    Claude....YOU would dance too with hot feet!
    Inspector Dan Clouseau....the tin had holes?.
    Ianfear63....it is YOU who needs a dedicated Channel!
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    • Profile picture of the author Dan Riffle
      Originally Posted by Profit Traveler View Post

      Inspector Dan Clouseau....the tin had holes?
      Then there was no need to take the lid off.

      But I digress. 'Twas merely giving Mark a little shit, or, as he would say, taking the piss.
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      • Profile picture of the author whateverpedia
        Originally Posted by Dan Riffle View Post

        'Twas merely giving Mark a little shit, or, as he would say, taking the piss.
        Very commendable. We all need a hobby in these trying times.

        Carry on.
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        • Profile picture of the author Dan Riffle
          Originally Posted by whateverpedia View Post

          Very commendable. We all need a hobby in these trying times.

          Carry on.
          Hey, it's either this or protesting against fictitious, anti-Amazon awards shows.
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  • Profile picture of the author tagiscom
    Originally Posted by Dan Riffle View Post

    How were the candles getting oxygen to stay lit in the first place?

    Carbon Capture.
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  • Just did a search for short funny jokes and found a list....
    https://www.readersdigest.ca/culture...-can-remember/

    here are 2 samples...

    I invented a new word: Plagiarism!


    Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

    There's no menu: You get what you deserve.
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  • Profile picture of the author Kay King
    On You-Tube there is a pretty normal guy called "Canadian Studmuffin" who lives in Trenton, Ontario Canada. He does offbeat reviews of processed foods, makes up various characters and dresses up like them, reviews classic rock albums. Not amazingly funny but quirky and reasonably entertaining (like Dan Riffle). He has a large following.

    The 'large following' of Mr Studmuffin says something very strange about either YouTube viewers or Canada....not sure which.
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    • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
      Originally Posted by Kay King View Post

      The 'large following' of Mr Studmuffin says something very strange about either YouTube viewers or Canada....not sure which.
      He's been putting out these video's for over 10 years. There's something personable and likeable about him that people seem to appreciate. He has or had a girlfriend called Molly who's about 22 years his junior and she used to travel 5 hours on the train to visit him until Covid put and end to that. She used to appear in his video's and starting out shy became quite the character. She did an impression of him and his accent in one of them which I thought was hilarious. Don't know about their status. He still has their pictures together on the wall.
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  • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
    One of my favorites:

    A mature woman wanted to date and marry a virgin male. She cast her net via online dating in her quest. Eventually a man from Australia (Called Shane) answered and an online romance ensued. He assured her he'd never been with a woman. Eventually they met and decided to get married straight away. The nuptials would be consummated on the wedding night.

    In the hotel room she told him to wait while she freshened up in the bathroom and would slip into something more comfortable. Fifteen minutes later she emerged in her negligee only to find that Shane had cleared and put the furniture and bed all around the edges of the room, stacked against the walls, even rolled up the carpet.

    "What's this all about?" she said. Shane replied: "I didn't know what to expect, I've only ever been with a Kangaroo"
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  • Profile picture of the author Frank Donovan
    Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

    Hope that clears a few things up.
    Too late. These points should have been included in a sub-clause of the original joke.

    Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

    What gender does the duck identify with? Is it binary? Non-binary?
    We don't know for sure - it could have been eider.

    What kind of health care was the duck getting?
    Doesn't matter - the doctors are all quacks.
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    • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
      Originally Posted by Frank Donovan View Post

      Too late. These points should have been included in a sub-clause of the original joke.



      We don't know for sure - it could have been eider.

      Doesn't matter - the doctors are all quacks.
      The healthcare provider would be Aflac.

      https://youtu.be/izKm3N8HMv4
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    • Originally Posted by Frank Donovan View Post

      We don't know for sure - it could have been eider.
      "Eider". I hate you.


      Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

      The healthcare provider would be Aflac.

      https://youtu.be/izKm3N8HMv4
      I also hate you.

      Never be funnier than me....or your goose is cooked.
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    • Profile picture of the author Dan Riffle
      Originally Posted by Frank Donovan View Post

      We don't know for sure - it could have been eider.
      See, folks? That's how it's done.
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    • Profile picture of the author whateverpedia
      Originally Posted by Frank Donovan View Post

      Too late. These points should have been included in a sub-clause of the original joke.
      Indeed the very essence of comedy is not in the story, but in the explanatory footnotes.
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      • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
        Originally Posted by whateverpedia View Post

        Indeed the very essence of comedy is not in the story, but in the explanatory footnotes.
        Indeed, Claude needed an explanation of my Duck joke because he was AddenDumb.
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        • Originally Posted by whateverpedia View Post

          Indeed the very essence of comedy is not in the story, but in the explanatory footnotes.
          This is a weird quirk I have.

          If I tell someone (even a group) a joke......or say something I think is witty or funny...and they don't laugh.....

          I'll say something like "OK, the reason that was funny is..." And I will explain the joke.

          Naturally, the explanation is never funny. But for whatever reason, I find the blank stares as I explain the reason they should have laughed...hilarious. I'll spend time going over the structure of the joke and the psychology of what makes it funny. Of course, it's just irritating to listen to.

          Mostly, I'll do it with friends or relatives, because I know I can get away with it.

          (commercial break. New story)

          A good friend was at a dinner, and about 12 of us were sitting at the same table. I said something funny, and everyone laughed except my friend.

          His wife actually asked him "Didn't you think that was funny?"

          And he said "No. I like Claude. I value his friendship. I just don't think he's funny". (I loved that statement far more than is normal. I love frank statements from friends)

          And I said (In a serious tone) "Bill. You are wrong. I'm hilarious. I've done a study of whether I'm funny or not, and the results are...I am really funny. So, you are mistaken.". Of course, I was just pulling his leg.

          The table went back to discussing whatever we were talking about. And I didn't give it another thought.

          The next day, my friend (with his wife dragging him by the arm) walked up to me and said "I was thinking about this all night. I was wrong. You are funny". He said it in a dead serious tone. I started laughing so hard, I had to grab his arm to keep from doubling over.

          Later that day, when he was alone. I walked up to him and said something like 'So....your wife thought you offended me, and demanded that you say I was funny?"

          He smiled and said "Yup. And by the way, you are funny. I was in a bad mood last night"

          I told him I didn't give it any thought, because we are friends.

          By the way, the reason that story was entertaining is......
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          • Profile picture of the author Dan Riffle
            Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

            By the way, the reason that story was entertaining is......
            ...because you like to hear yourself talk (and you can't type without mouthing the words)?
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            • Originally Posted by Dan Riffle View Post

              ...because you like to hear yourself talk (and you can't type without mouthing the words)?
              I said " I love frank statements from friends"

              From friends!
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              • Profile picture of the author Dan Riffle
                Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

                I said " I love frank statements from friends"

                From friends!
                Then you must be a true lover of quality over quantity.
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              • Profile picture of the author whateverpedia
                Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

                I said " I love frank statements from friends"

                From friends!
                Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear.

                Dem's fightin' words.
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          • Profile picture of the author whateverpedia
            Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

            By the way, the reason that story was entertaining is......
            Now that is really what you call funny.
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  • Profile picture of the author xatajam823
    EXCELLENT!
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  • Profile picture of the author Frank Donovan
    "A friend to all is a friend to none."





    [A friends statement from frank]
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    • Originally Posted by Frank Donovan View Post

      "A friend to all is a friend to none."





      [A friends statement from frank]
      Riffle proves that "A friend to none is a friend to none."

      Yes, I just quoted myself. I'm that important.


      Originally Posted by Dan Riffle View Post

      Then you must be a true lover of quality over quantity.
      I'm all about quantity over quality. That's why I like talking to you.
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      • Profile picture of the author kenmichaels
        Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

        Riffle proves that "A friend to none is a friend to none."

        Yes, I just quoted myself. I'm that important.




        I'm all about quantity over quality. That's why I like talking to you.
        Is that why your wife likes talking to you?

        Originally Posted by whateverpedia View Post

        Now that is really what you call funny.
        Only to a brit a sidekick.
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  • A man walks into a bar with a Duck and a biscuit tin. He sets the biscuit tin on the bar and puts the Duck on it who immediately starts dancing. Wow, says the owner of the bar, how talented. I would love to have that Duck as a feature in my bar, how much would you take for it. $500.00 says the man.

    The barman pays him. As he is walking out with the money the barman asks, how do you stop the Duck dancing. The man, rapidly exiting says: "You take the lid off the biscuit tin and blow out the candles.

    So the barman chases aftah the man. "You sayin' I got a long face? Is that IT? Is that your frickin' problem?"

    That's when he hears KNOCK KNOCK.

    Uh oh -- seems his bar done SHUT behind him, an' he is LOCKED OUT ... less'n he can figure the way stoopid puntasmal Lanfear way to get back inside.

    "Who's there?" he says.

    A distant voice replies, "the duck guy. Fleeing the heck from this poor excuse for a joke! Plus, yeah, now you mention it -- you are so frickin' HORSE I would be embarrassed if I looked half as NOSTRILLY and GENETICALLY EQUINE as your sorry ass. No pun intended."

    Seconds later, anothah voice replies -- this time, from behind the bar door.

    "Uhm ... can I get outta here please? My wife gonna kill me if she finds out I been drinkin' myself crazy all afternoon."

    "No, you got that all wrong," says the barman. "Punchline comes at the end. I gotta ask you first who you are, then, when you answer, I invite further qualification ... which you subsequently supply ... but there is such a fundamentally humorous play on words going on that your final retort brings the house down."

    "Are you clowning with me? I just wanna get the hell outta your bar before Suzie trashes my car. Where are the frickin' keys?"

    "Aaaaawkay," says the barman. "Don't wanna appear condescending, but there are no keys in a knock knock joke. The door functions simply as a rhetorical device to advance the wordplay forward."




    *comedic pause*



    "If you don't open this door RIGHT NOW, I'm punching your teeth right outta your chops!"
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    • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
      Originally Posted by Princess Balestra View Post

      A man walks into a bar with a Duck and a biscuit tin. He sets the biscuit tin on the bar and puts the Duck on it who immediately starts dancing. Wow, says the owner of the bar, how talented. I would love to have that Duck as a feature in my bar, how much would you take for it. $500.00 says the man.

      The barman pays him. As he is walking out with the money the barman asks, how do you stop the Duck dancing. The man, rapidly exiting says: "You take the lid off the biscuit tin and blow out the candles.

      So the barman chases aftah the man. "You sayin' I got a long face? Is that IT? Is that your frickin' problem?"

      That's when he hears KNOCK KNOCK.

      Uh oh -- seems his bar done SHUT behind him, an' he is LOCKED OUT ... less'n he can figure the way stoopid puntasmal Lanfear way to get back inside.

      "Who's there?" he says.

      A distant voice replies, "the duck guy. Fleeing the heck from this poor excuse for a joke! Plus, yeah, now you mention it -- you are so frickin' HORSE I would be embarrassed if I looked half as NOSTRILLY and GENETICALLY EQUINE as your sorry ass. No pun intended."

      Seconds later, anothah voice replies -- this time, from behind the bar door.

      "Uhm ... can I get outta here please? My wife gonna kill me if she finds out I been drinkin' myself crazy all afternoon."

      "No, you got that all wrong," says the barman. "Punchline comes at the end. I gotta ask you first who you are, then, when you answer, I invite further qualification ... which you subsequently supply ... but there is such a fundamentally humorous play on words going on that your final retort brings the house down."

      "Are you clowning with me? I just wanna get the hell outta your bar before Suzie trashes my car. Where are the frickin' keys?"

      "Aaaaawkay," says the barman. "Don't wanna appear condescending, but there are no keys in a knock knock joke. The door functions simply as a rhetorical device to advance the wordplay forward."




      *comedic pause*



      "If you don't open this door RIGHT NOW, I'm punching your teeth right outta your chops!"
      Thank you for this surreal, enlightening follow-up to my joke. I had been crying out for the "What Happens Next" conclusion for years.
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  • Profile picture of the author tagiscom
    Originally Posted by Dan Riffle View Post

    ...because you like to hear yourself talk (and you can't type without mouthing the words)?
    His cats do the typing.

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  • Profile picture of the author Kay King
    My d-in-law and I just discovered Jose Cuervo Grapefruit Tangerine Marguerita....then we discovered strawberry-lime Marguerita....

    Just in time for Christmas.

    Dear liver -
    The next couple of weeks are going to be rough. Stay strong my little champion.
    Signature
    Saving one dog will not change the world - but the world will change forever for that one dog.

    My mind still thinks I'm 25.
    My body thinks my mind is an idiot.
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  • Profile picture of the author Luka19
    Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.

    "Get out of here!" shouts the bartender. "We don't serve your type." Check out these coffee puns for a while latte laughs.
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  • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
    An Englishman Irishman and an Australian were out playing golf with their wives on a windy day.

    The Englishman's wife takes her turn, suddenly a gust of wind blows her skirt up to reveal frayed undies. My god said her husband, not very presentable dear, well you never give me enough housekeeping money says the wife. Well, says her husband, here's 20 pounds, go and buy yourself a new set of undies.

    The Irishman's wife steps up, a gust of wind blows her skirt up. Her undies were not only frayed but had holes in them. Begorrah says the Irishman, that's gross. well you never give me hardly any housekeeping money says the wife. Weill, says the Irishman, here's 5 pounds, buy yourself a couple of cheap pairs.

    The Australian's wife steps up. A gust of wind blows her skirt up to reveal no undies. Strueth says the Australian, here's a dollar, go and buy yourself a comb.
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    • Profile picture of the author tagiscom
      Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

      An Englishman Irishman and an Australian were out playing golf with their wives on a windy day.

      The Englishman's wife takes her turn, suddenly a gust of wind blows her skirt up to reveal frayed undies. My god said her husband, not very presentable dear, well you never give me enough housekeeping money says the wife. Well, says her husband, here's 20 pounds, go and buy yourself a new set of undies.

      The Irishman's wife steps up, a gust of wind blows her skirt up. Her undies were not only frayed but had holes in them. Begorrah says the Irishman, that's gross. well you never give me hardly any housekeeping money says the wife. Weill, says the Irishman, here's 5 pounds, buy yourself a couple of cheap pairs.

      The Australian's wife steps up. A gust of wind blows her skirt up to reveal no undies. Strueth says the Australian, here's a dollar, go and buy yourself a comb.
      you must have watched Borat#2; at least you didn't mention Johnny the monkey.

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    • Profile picture of the author Odahh
      Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

      An Englishman Irishman and an Australian were out playing golf with their wives on a windy day.

      The Englishman's wife takes her turn, suddenly a gust of wind blows her skirt up to reveal frayed undies. My god said her husband, not very presentable dear, well you never give me enough housekeeping money says the wife. Well, says her husband, here's 20 pounds, go and buy yourself a new set of undies.

      The Irishman's wife steps up, a gust of wind blows her skirt up. Her undies were not only frayed but had holes in them. Begorrah says the Irishman, that's gross. well you never give me hardly any housekeeping money says the wife. Weill, says the Irishman, here's 5 pounds, buy yourself a couple of cheap pairs.

      The Australian's wife steps up. A gust of wind blows her skirt up to reveal no undies. Strueth says the Australian, here's a dollar, go and buy yourself a comb.
      well it's a good thing they group didn't have an Amercan couple .. the wife woulf have had a g string and a tatoo on her cheek.. "more hole in ones than him " a competitive couple
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  • Profile picture of the author Profit Traveler
    COUPLE COVID JOKES....

    The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released.

    To be clear, WHO let the dogs out!


    After years of wanting to thoroughly clean my house but lacking the time, this week I discovered that wasn't the reason.


    My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, "Throw this and wherever it lands--that's where I'm taking you when this pandemic ends." Turns out, we're spending two weeks behind the fridge.


    Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.


    This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog-we laughed a lot.


    Nothing like relaxing on the couch after a long day of being tense on the couch.


    Day 121 at home and the dog is looking at me like, "See? This is why I chew the furniture!"
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  • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
    A 70 year old man goes to the doctor for a regular checkup. After doing all the tests the doctor says: "You're in excellent health and have the disposition of a man half you're age. There must be good genes in you're family. Tell me, how old was your father when he died?"

    The man said: "You "Assume" he's dead, he's not, and is a spritely man of 90 years"

    The doc said: "Wow, amazing, tell me, how old was your grandfather when he passed. The man said: "You "Assume" he's dead, he's not, he's 110 years old. Next week he's going to get married to a 20 year old woman"

    "Wow", said the doctor: "What made him want to get married at such an age"

    The man said: "You "Assume" he had a choice"
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  • Profile picture of the author Kay King
    Filed under 'Work at Home Tips":


    Blowing on the wine in the mug will help convince your co-workers on the Zoom meeting that your tea is hot.
    Signature
    Saving one dog will not change the world - but the world will change forever for that one dog.

    My mind still thinks I'm 25.
    My body thinks my mind is an idiot.
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  • Profile picture of the author Kay King
    Had an LOL moment just now....not much is funnier than reading comments on some 'news' sites...


    A 'serious' article about Sophia Vergara and apparently a husband soon to be ex-husband and their 'agreement' about 'stored eggs'...you can't make these stories up. In the midst of people seriously (?) commenting on what to do about the 'eggs'....you get this


    Walmart has eggs on sale, 2 dozen for five dollars.

    As my younger son says 'that splorfed me'....
    Signature
    Saving one dog will not change the world - but the world will change forever for that one dog.

    My mind still thinks I'm 25.
    My body thinks my mind is an idiot.
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    • Profile picture of the author discrat
      One word...CLAUDE
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      • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
        Originally Posted by discrat View Post

        One word...CLAUDE
        Hey...HEY! I'm standing right here!



        By the way, I've been waiting for a reason to use this sentence I read.....

        Someone asks "Why do you believe what you see?"

        And stable genius Claude says "Real eyes realize real lies."

        And like all clever things I say, I stole it from someone much cleverer than I .

        Which means, not Dan Riffle.

        (I miss Dan here)
        Signature
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        "Be kind. For everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle".....Ian Maclaren
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        • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
          Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

          Hey...HEY! I'm standing right here!



          By the way, I've been waiting for a reason to use this sentence I read.....

          Someone asks "Why do you believe what you see?"

          And stable genius Claude says "Real eyes realize real lies."

          And like all clever things I say, I stole it from someone much cleverer than I .

          Which means, not Dan Riffle.

          (I miss Dan here)
          And not Kurt
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        • Profile picture of the author whateverpedia
          Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

          (I miss Dan here)
          You definitely need to practice aiming. Remember, he's not that big a target.
          Signature
          Why do garden gnomes smell so bad?
          So that blind people can hate them as well.
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          • Profile picture of the author Princess Balestra
            Originally Posted by whateverpedia View Post

            You definitely need to practice aiming. Remember, he's not that big a target.

            In the classic Stanford behavioral experiment, kids were given 2 choices ...

            1) a small and immediate reward comprising UNO marshmallow
            or
            2)TWO marshmallows if they waited longah.

            Howevah, I do naht believe the same logic applies to aliens blitzin' targets with their killah lasers.

            "If'n you bug-eyed mutants take a pop at Joopiter an' score a hit, you bag yusselves UNO marshmallow. Hit the hoovah sales guy with the alloorin' hairdo, you win TWO marshmallows."

            I know it is customary round these parts to mock Claude for his size, but that don't mean he gotta be evrywan's default number one target.

            So can evrywan please play fair once in a while an' quit punchin' below the belt?

            Speshly bcs it is darn near impossible to see the goddamn belt anyways.
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            • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
              Originally Posted by Princess Balestra View Post


              I know it is customary round these parts to mock Claude for his size, but that don't mean he gotta be evrywan's default number one target.

              So can evrywan please play fair once in a while an' quit punchin' below the belt?

              Speshly bcs it is darn near impossible to see the goddamn belt anyways.
              I thought "Well, at last, Princess is coming to my rescue. She'll defend me against these ruffians and malcontents". But then I just found out that everyone is ganging up on me, and piling on top of me. To be fair, that's the closest thing to an orgy I'll ever have.

              And I can see my belt just fine. Sure I have to use a mirror. And I have to be laying on my back. But I can see my belt just fine.

              My motto is "Fat sweaty old men make better lovers". My wife isn't agreeing with it, but how would she know?

              By the way, my wife never swears. But yesterday she dropped the "F-Bomb" right in front of me. That's right, she said "Fiddlesticks". I'm not joking.
              Signature
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              "Be kind. For everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle".....Ian Maclaren
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              • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
                Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

                I thought "Well, at last, Princess is coming to my rescue. She'll defend me against these ruffians and malcontents". But then I just found out that everyone is ganging up on me, and piling on top of me. To be fair, that's the closest thing to an orgy I'll ever have.

                And I can see my belt just fine. Sure I have to use a mirror. And I have to be laying on my back. But I can see my belt just fine.

                My motto is "Fat sweaty old men make better lovers". My wife isn't agreeing with it, but how would she know?

                By the way, my wife never swears. But yesterday she dropped the "F-Bomb" right in front of me. That's right, she said "Fiddlesticks". I'm not joking.
                "By the way, my wife never swears. But yesterday she dropped the "F-Bomb" right in front of me. That's right, she said "Fiddlesticks". I'm not joking"

                How many more times will you have to replace her violin when she smashes it out of frustration when she can't master a piece.
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                • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
                  Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

                  "By the way, my wife never swears. But yesterday she dropped the "F-Bomb" right in front of me. That's right, she said "Fiddlesticks". I'm not joking"

                  How many more times will you have to replace her violin when she smashes it out of frustration when she can't master a piece.
                  I decided to look up "Fiddlesticks" this morning, to see the root of the word. I just knew it was an old fashioned way to express frustration.

                  The actual conversation went like this.

                  She dropped something and said "Fiddlesticks". I laughed a little, and said "You must be really angry to swear like that".

                  She said "I didn't swear. I said "Fiddlesticks"".

                  A moment passed and then I said "The next time we talk to your brothers and sisters, I'm going to let them know that you "Dropped the F-Bomb""

                  She said "I did not!".

                  And I said "Fiddlesticks".

                  And...Yesterday, we were driving home from work, and she was reading, while I was driving. we passed a home that had a tree that was uprooted a week or so ago (we had a storm). She glanced up and said "That tree is gone".

                  I said "I know the story behind that tree. The wind didn't blow it over. It wasn't an accident. That tree was murdered. and under the cover of darkness, the murderer took the tree corpse, cut it up into limbs and a trunk.....and buried that tree in an unmarked grave. Another unsolved murder in Wooster.".

                  My wife didn't even smile. She slowly turned to look at me in a complete deadpan, and then slowly turned back to read her book. I live for those moments.

                  And that's how we spend our lives.
                  Signature
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                  "Be kind. For everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle".....Ian Maclaren
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                  • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
                    Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

                    I decided to look up "Fiddlesticks" this morning, to see the root of the word. I just knew it was an old fashioned way to express frustration.

                    The actual conversation went like this.

                    She dropped something and said "Fiddlesticks". I laughed a little, and said "You must be really angry to swear like that".

                    She said "I didn't swear. I said "Fiddlesticks"".

                    A moment passed and then I said "The next time we talk to your brothers and sisters, I'm going to let them know that you "Dropped the F-Bomb""

                    She said "I did not!".

                    And I said "Fiddlesticks".

                    And...Yesterday, we were driving home from work, and she was reading, while I was driving. we passed a home that had a tree that was uprooted a week or so ago (we had a storm). She glanced up and said "That tree is gone".

                    I said "I know the story behind that tree. The wind didn't blow it over. It wasn't an accident. That tree was murdered. and under the cover of darkness, the murderer took the tree corpse, cut it up into limbs and a trunk.....and buried that tree in an unmarked grave. Another unsolved murder in Wooster.".

                    My wife didn't even smile. She slowly turned to look at me in a complete deadpan, and then slowly turned back to read her book. I live for those moments.

                    And that's how we spend our lives.
                    If this had happened in Europe it would have been handed over to "Special Branch"
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              • Profile picture of the author Princess Balestra
                Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

                I thought "Well, at last, Princess is coming to my rescue. She'll defend me against these ruffians and malcontents".

                Signature

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                • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
                  Originally Posted by Princess Balestra View Post

                  I told Cheryl about this joke.

                  She laughed. Then said "That's mean"...and then laughed again.


                  Nobody loves me.
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                  • Profile picture of the author whateverpedia
                    Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

                    Nobody loves me.
                    Hmm. That is a concern. If I were you I'd immediately have a DNA test to make sure you don't have any garden gnome blood in your veins.
                    Signature
                    Why do garden gnomes smell so bad?
                    So that blind people can hate them as well.
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                  • Profile picture of the author Princess Balestra
                    Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

                    I told Cheryl about this joke.

                    She laughed. Then said "That's mean"...and then laughed again.


                    Nobody loves me.

                    Happy Easter From Wooster


                    Cheryl took the breakfast tray from the Riffle servobot and smiled at her adorable vacuum genius as he fluffed up his pillows.

                    "It's appalling how that brazen hussy treats you," she said. "You should put in a complaint to that helpful Kay King lady."

                    "Perhaps I will," replied Claude, "but let's enjoy our boiled eggs first. Afer all, it is Easter."

                    With the precision of a kung fu kick intended to maim a plucky assailant, Claude teased the top off his egg and watched the yolk spill down the side of the cup.

                    "How did I do?" the Riffle servobot called from the end of the bed. "I aim to please always. Your rating is my berating."

                    Cheryl shook her head. "Can we do something about him too? His eggs are always perfect, and the way he irons your underwear is truly a miracle -- but does he have to whitter on so?"

                    "I'll fix it after we've eaten, darling."

                    "That would be nice."

                    "Would you pass the salt please?"

                    "Here."

                    "Thank you."

                    "How's your muffin?"

                    "Perfect. Just like my egg. And just like you, my dear"

                    Cheryl leant over and whispered in Claude's ear. "The Rifflebot is listening, you know."

                    Claude whispered back with a snigger. "Let it."

                    "So, will you put in a complaint to Kay?" said Cheryl, sipping her tea. "What that awful Princess girl said is positively libellous. The very idea that you could demolish a building merely by walking into it is utterly gross. If she'd left it at knocking the door down, it would have been hilarious -- but when humor goes too far it can quickly turn into insult."

                    Claude nodded: the same detemined expression of affirmation he typically used for customers who said things like, "you're the best goddamn hoover guy in Ohio, pal!"

                    As the Whitacres finished their breakfast, the Riffle servobot tinkled out romantic Gerschwin songs from a hidden xylophone in its chest compartment.

                    It seemed to Claude like he led a good life -- but Cheryl was right.

                    Some of those Warrior people demanded firm handling from now on.

                    He tossed the bedsheets aside and strode over to the wardrobe.

                    "I'll take on the whole forum," he barked, throwing on his most badass jeans. "Beginning with Whatty. He's the snipe who gets everything started."

                    Cheryl scowled. "I warned you he was Australian."
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                    • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
                      Originally Posted by Princess Balestra View Post

                      Happy Easter From Wooster


                      Cheryl took the breakfast tray from the Riffle servobot and smiled at her adorable vacuum genius as he fluffed up his pillows.
                      Princess;

                      It made my day, truly. And I called Cheryl over to read it with me, and she got a real kick out of it.
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                    • Profile picture of the author whateverpedia
                      Originally Posted by Princess Balestra View Post

                      Happy Easter From Wooster


                      Cheryl took the breakfast tray from the Riffle servobot and smiled at her adorable vacuum genius as he fluffed up his pillows.

                      "It's appalling how that brazen hussy treats you," she said. "You should put in a complaint to that helpful Kay King lady."

                      "Perhaps I will," replied Claude, "but let's enjoy our boiled eggs first. Afer all, it is Easter."

                      With the precision of a kung fu kick intended to maim a plucky assailant, Claude teased the top off his egg and watched the yolk spill down the side of the cup.

                      "How did I do?" the Riffle servobot called from the end of the bed. "I aim to please always. Your rating is my berating."

                      Cheryl shook her head. "Can we do something about him too? His eggs are always perfect, and the way he irons your underwear is truly a miracle -- but does he have to whitter on so?"

                      "I'll fix it after we've eaten, darling."

                      "That would be nice."

                      "Would you pass the salt please?"

                      "Here."

                      "Thank you."

                      "How's your muffin?"

                      "Perfect. Just like my egg. And just like you, my dear"

                      Cheryl leant over and whispered in Claude's ear. "The Rifflebot is listening, you know."

                      Claude whispered back with a snigger. "Let it."

                      "So, will you put in a complaint to Kay?" said Cheryl, sipping her tea. "What that awful Princess girl said is positively libellous. The very idea that you could demolish a building merely by walking into it is utterly gross. If she'd left it at knocking the door down, it would have been hilarious -- but when humor goes too far it can quickly turn into insult."

                      Claude nodded: the same detemined expression of affirmation he typically used for customers who said things like, "you're the best goddamn hoover guy in Ohio, pal!"

                      As the Whitacres finished their breakfast, the Riffle servobot tinkled out romantic Gerschwin songs from a hidden xylophone in its chest compartment.

                      It seemed to Claude like he led a good life -- but Cheryl was right.

                      Some of those Warrior people demanded firm handling from now on.

                      He tossed the bedsheets aside and strode over to the wardrobe.

                      "I'll take on the whole forum," he barked, throwing on his most badass jeans. "Beginning with Whatty. He's the snipe who gets everything started."

                      Cheryl scowled. "I warned you he was Australian."
                      Couldn't have said it better myself.

                      Hmm. Where have I read that line before?
                      Signature
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                      • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
                        Originally Posted by whateverpedia View Post

                        Couldn't have said it better myself.

                        Hmm. Where have I read that line before?
                        Couldn't have said it better myself.


                        Originally Posted by whateverpedia View Post

                        Hmm. That is a concern. If I were you I'd immediately have a DNA test to make sure you don't have any garden gnome blood in your veins.
                        I was called this morning to get my second Covid shot. I asked the guy on the phone "Can you tell me what's in the vaccine to make it so effective?"

                        He said "Garden gnome tears".

                        I wouldn't joke about something so serious....as garden gnome pain.
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                        • Profile picture of the author whateverpedia
                          Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

                          Couldn't have said it better myself.
                          My lawyers will be in touch with you shortly.
                          Signature
                          Why do garden gnomes smell so bad?
                          So that blind people can hate them as well.
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                    • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
                      Originally Posted by Princess Balestra View Post

                      Happy Easter From Wooster


                      Cheryl took the breakfast tray from the Riffle servobot and smiled at her adorable vacuum genius as he fluffed up his pillows.

                      "It's appalling how that brazen hussy treats you," she said. "You should put in a complaint to that helpful Kay King lady."

                      "Perhaps I will," replied Claude, "but let's enjoy our boiled eggs first. Afer all, it is Easter."

                      With the precision of a kung fu kick intended to maim a plucky assailant, Claude teased the top off his egg and watched the yolk spill down the side of the cup.

                      "How did I do?" the Riffle servobot called from the end of the bed. "I aim to please always. Your rating is my berating."

                      Cheryl shook her head. "Can we do something about him too? His eggs are always perfect, and the way he irons your underwear is truly a miracle -- but does he have to whitter on so?"

                      "I'll fix it after we've eaten, darling."

                      "That would be nice."

                      "Would you pass the salt please?"

                      "Here."

                      "Thank you."

                      "How's your muffin?"

                      "Perfect. Just like my egg. And just like you, my dear"

                      Cheryl leant over and whispered in Claude's ear. "The Rifflebot is listening, you know."

                      Claude whispered back with a snigger. "Let it."

                      "So, will you put in a complaint to Kay?" said Cheryl, sipping her tea. "What that awful Princess girl said is positively libellous. The very idea that you could demolish a building merely by walking into it is utterly gross. If she'd left it at knocking the door down, it would have been hilarious -- but when humor goes too far it can quickly turn into insult."

                      Claude nodded: the same detemined expression of affirmation he typically used for customers who said things like, "you're the best goddamn hoover guy in Ohio, pal!"

                      As the Whitacres finished their breakfast, the Riffle servobot tinkled out romantic Gerschwin songs from a hidden xylophone in its chest compartment.

                      It seemed to Claude like he led a good life -- but Cheryl was right.

                      Some of those Warrior people demanded firm handling from now on.

                      He tossed the bedsheets aside and strode over to the wardrobe.

                      "I'll take on the whole forum," he barked, throwing on his most badass jeans. "Beginning with Whatty. He's the snipe who gets everything started."

                      Cheryl scowled. "I warned you he was Australian."
                      Continued...

                      Quite, said Claude, thumbing through his collection of 150 Hawaiian shirts, eventually settling on his favorite, Garden Gnome patterned design, the one where they were each being beaten and punched in various torturous ways. He put it on and struggled with the buttons.

                      But, he did launch the punch a Garden Gnome campaign. Some day, someone will punch the one you and I really want punishing. True said Cheryl, but we know it is just a ploy to mask the fact he is the instigator in just about every Claude insult thread.

                      True, said Claude, Dan just adds to it which is equally annoying. I like his family, though, especially his uncle, Dr Sung Riffle who gifted us the Rifflebot.

                      True said Cheryl and turned sharply to exit the bedroom, treading on her Violin as she did so. "Fiddlesticks" she said, third time this year. Temper, said Claude, just take another one from the 30 we have in the cupboard.

                      Well, said Cheryl, rubbing her sore foot, We need to pay Mr Whateverpedia a visit and teach him some manners. Australia's a long bus ride away, said Claude. And, we don't know his address or what he looks like. He's been hiding behind that Trump/Mad character picture for years.

                      Cheryl said, yes, it's going to be a pain to track him down. However, I think we could have a head start by visiting the places where the most Kangaroo molestations have been reported. Perhaps that very nice Kay King lady may also provide some helpful information too.

                      It's a start, said Claude.

                      They drove to the Sweeper Store and Claude used his in car remote to lower the drawbridge over the moat that surrounded it. It had said, "Water Feature" in the plans, but Claude thought of it as extra security and an excuse to fill the banks with fishing Garden Gnomes with the sign "Punch Me For Luck", a clever ploy.
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    • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
      Why are Pirates more likely to take the Covid vaccine?

      Because they were told it has Ahhrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. N.A. in it.
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    • Prince Charles was driving down a country lane in his vintage Jensen Interceptor when a hedgehog scuttled out from a hedgerow just yards in front of him, and he ran over it. He screeched to a halt, got out of the car and picked the creature up, which was now quite dead and as flat as a pancake.

      Just then a genie appeared from nowhere, asked what the problem was and granted him one wish. Prince Charles handed the flattened, bloody mess that was once a hedgehog, to the genie and said: "Please, could you do anything to bring this poor chap back"?

      The genie looked at it and said there was nothing he could do as it was quite dead and beyond help. He gave the dead hedgehog back to him and told him he could still have a wish. Prince Charles pondered and said there's nothing that he really needed (being such a rich b*stard). The genie asked if he was sure there was nothing at all he would wish for. Prince Charles said: "Well, perhaps there is one thing. Camilla is not, err... how can I put this... the best looking. Could you make her more beautiful".

      The genie replied: "Let me have another look at that hedgehog".
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      • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
        Originally Posted by Devil Reincarnated View Post

        Prince Charles was driving down a country lane in his vintage Jensen Interceptor when a hedgehog scuttled out from a hedgerow just yards in front of him, and he ran over it. He screeched to a halt, got out of the car and picked the creature up, which was now quite dead and as flat as a pancake.

        Just then a genie appeared from nowhere, asked what the problem was and granted him one wish. Prince Charles handed the flattened, bloody mess that was once a hedgehog, to the genie and said: "Please, could you do anything to bring this poor chap back"?

        The genie looked at it and said there was nothing he could do as it was quite dead and beyond help. He gave the dead hedgehog back to him and told him he could still have a wish. Prince Charles pondered and said there's nothing that he really needed (being such a rich b*stard). The genie asked if he was sure there was nothing at all he would wish for. Prince Charles said: "Well, perhaps there is one thing. Camilla is not, err... how can I put this... the best looking. Could you make her more beautiful".

        The genie replied: "Let me have another look at that hedgehog".
        Did you used to be Horny.
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        • Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

          Did you used to be Horny.

          Yes, all the time, but the doctor gave me something for it
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        • Profile picture of the author kenmichaels
          Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

          Did you used to be Horny.
          You beat me to it.
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    • The Mafia are worried. Collectors working in their protection racket keep getting pulled by the police and, under interrogation, tell all the details. The big bosses hold a meeting and come up with the ingenious idea that if they hire deaf and dumb people then they cant squeal if arrested.

      The first guy they hire is a lumbering giant, and he is sent out with a list of business's to collect varying sums of money from with the instructions to be back by 7pm. By 9pm he is still not back so they send out the enforcers to find him.

      The guy is found and dragged back to Mafia HQ whereupon the big boss instructs an interpreter to ask him where the money is. He speaks to him in sign language saying: "The boss says where is the money"? The deaf and dumb guy signs back: "Tell him I don't know what he's talking about". This is relayed to the boss who then immediately pulls out a gun and puts it to the deaf and dumb guys head and says: "Now ask him where the money is".

      The interpreter signs to the guy: "You better tell us where the money is or he's going to blow your brains out". The deaf and dumb guy immediately signs back: "I buried it under the third tree along from the side entrance to Green Park".

      "What did he say"?, the boss asked. The interpreter replies: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about and you haven't got the balls to pull that trigger".
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    • A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun. He shouts: "This is a raid, everyone get on the floor", and he proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

      As he runs towards the door with the loot a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts: "Did anybody else here see my face?".

      The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter so he goes over and shoots him in the head also.

      "Did anybody else see my face?" he shouts once again, waving his gun around. There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner..

      "I think my wife caught a glimpse...."


      --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


      A woman in the bedroom looks in the mirror, sighs, and says to her husband: "My breasts are sagging, I'm getting fat and i don't look as young as i used to, please pay me a compliment".

      The husband replies: "Your eyes are spot on"


      --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


      A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the cloud and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. He saw a tall building, flew towards it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said: "WHERE AM I" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a window of the building. Their sign said: "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer to SEA-TAC airport, and landed safely.

      After they were on the ground the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it. He replied: "I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer".


      --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


      A man walked in to a bar, ordered a drink and then said: "Best give me the same for my little friend here".

      "But there's no-one else there", the bartender replied.

      "Sure there is", the guy said, and proceeded to carefully pull a miniature man from the top pocket of his jacket, and then stand him on the bar counter.

      The bartender was absolutely dumbfounded. "I don't believe it", he said. "Is he real. Can he do anything?".

      "Sure", the customer replied. "Watch this"..... he picked a peanut up out of the complimentary bowl, flicked it along the bar and shouted: "Go get it Joe". The tiny man ran along the bar top, collected the peanut and ran back again.

      "Well I'll be darned. Can he do anything else?" said the bartender.

      Just then the little man took three peanuts from the complimentary bowl and started juggling them.

      "I don't believe my eyes. That's just about the craziest thing I've ever seen", said the bartender. "Can he talk?"

      "Sure he can", said the customer. "Go on Joe. Tell him about that time we were in the African jungle and you called that witch-doctor an asshole".


      --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


      It was two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife were sleeping when suddenly the phone rang.

      The husband picked up the phone and paused for a few seconds before saying: "How the heck do I know. What am I, the weather man?" and slams the phone down.

      His wife rolls over and asks: "Who was that?"

      The husband replies: "I don't know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear tonight."


      --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


      An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the pain of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.

      Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with great effort, gripping the railing with both hands he crawled downstairs. Gasping for breath he leaned against the door-frame and gazed into the kitchen.

      Were it not for death's agony he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

      Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table and landed on his knees in a heap. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a large wooden spoon.....

      "Get off", she said, "they're for the funeral".
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  • Profile picture of the author Princess Balestra
    We done two narcissists havin' a fart contest yet?


    That is always a barrel of existential fun for mostly nowan.
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    Lightin' fuses is for blowin' stuff togethah.

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    • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
      Originally Posted by Princess Balestra View Post

      We done two narcissists havin' a fart contest yet?


      That is always a barrel of existential fun for mostly nowan.
      In the case of Sophia Vergara and her soon to be ex husband, that would be Eggistential fun.

      Well I'm sorry, but how could I resist, just my little Pun Yolk
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  • Profile picture of the author Abramm
    Checkout attached image.
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  • Profile picture of the author kenmichaels
    Reading the jokes below from here, reminded me of this thread.


    What did one beam of light say to the other just before they slammed into each other? "Dude, you can totally crash on my photon."

    An amoeba sits down to eat at a restaurant. Across the room, another Amoeba is undergoing mitosis. The first amoeba flags down the waiter and says, "I'll have what she's halving."

    Want to hear a joke about potassium? K.

    Two chemists walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have some H2O." The second says, "I'll have some water too. But why'd you order it like that? We aren't at work." The first chemist excuses himself and weeps in the bathroom. His assassination plot had failed.

    A photon checks into a hotel, and the desk clerk says "Can I get a bellhop for your bags?" Photon responds "No need. I'm traveling light."

    Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.

    Why can't you trust atoms? They make up everything.

    All mushrooms are edible. Some are only edible once.

    Why can't you argue with Pi? It's irrational.

    There are 10 kinds of people: Those who understand binary and those who don't.

    I was reading a book on helium. I couldn't put it down.

    There are only bad science jokes left. All the good ones argon.

    What did the stamen say to the pistil? I like your style!

    What did the microbiology student get for being late to class? A tardigrade.

    How much room do fungi need to grow? As mushroom as possible.

    Does anyone have any jokes about Sodium? Na.

    If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

    Why do chemists love dubstep music? They love to drop the base.

    A butterfly gets pulled over by the cops for speeding. He hands the cop his driver's license with a photo of a caterpillar on it. "Sorry, it's an old picture."

    What do you call it when a geologist has to work on a Friday night? Gin and tectonics.
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  • Profile picture of the author Princess Balestra
    As a Lewd Connotation Connoisseuse, natchrlly I'm inclined to considah 'fiddlesticks' 'speshly evocative.
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    Lightin' fuses is for blowin' stuff togethah.

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  • Profile picture of the author whateverpedia
    Signature
    Why do garden gnomes smell so bad?
    So that blind people can hate them as well.
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  • Profile picture of the author socialentry
    it has occured to me that claude looks a lot like alex jones physically speaking:


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    • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
      Originally Posted by socialentry View Post

      it has occured to me that claude looks a lot like alex jones physically speaking:


      Video Games Portrayed by Alex Jones - YouTube
      Truth hurts, doesn't it?

      No ...wait...that insult was directed at me.

      Alex Jones is an insane nonsensical man. But physically? He's about as hot as they come.

      So...thank you for the compliment.

      I think I handled that pretty well. I shall now reward myself with a cookie.
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      One Call Closing book https://www.amazon.com/One-Call-Clos...=1527788418&sr

      "Be kind. For everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle".....Ian Maclaren
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