In Desparate Need of Something FUNNY

How were the candles getting oxygen to stay lit in the first place?

I'm not joking. I've read this about 5 timers...and I don't get it. Could you just explain it to me?

How did the man manage to carry both the duck and what must have been a fairly large tin into the bar?
Wouldn't the heat-proof gloves the man must have been wearing be a giveaway?
When placed on the hot tin, why didn't the duck just fly away?
Did the barman conduct a cost/benefit analysis before accepting the man's price?
Did the bar have a suitable animal welfare licence?
The $500 was the price negotiated for the duck. How come the barman also ended up with the tin?


The Absurd Joke Logic Analysis Dept. (UK Division)

Weird. I immediately got it when I read your post. But I'm not sure I ever would have understood the joke on my own. Thanks,

Then there was no need to take the lid off.

But I digress. 'Twas merely giving Mark a little shit, or, as he would say, taking the piss.

He's been putting out these video's for over 10 years. There's something personable and likeable about him that people seem to appreciate. He has or had a girlfriend called Molly who's about 22 years his junior and she used to travel 5 hours on the train to visit him until Covid put and end to that. She used to appear in his video's and starting out shy became quite the character. She did an impression of him and his accent in one of them which I thought was hilarious. Don't know about their status. He still has their pictures together on the wall.

The healthcare provider would be Aflac.

https://youtu.be/izKm3N8HMv4

"Eider". I hate you.


I also hate you.

Never be funnier than me....or your goose is cooked.

See, folks? That's how it's done.

Indeed the very essence of comedy is not in the story, but in the explanatory footnotes.

Riffle proves that "A friend to none is a friend to none."

Yes, I just quoted myself. I'm that important.


I'm all about quantity over quality. That's why I like talking to you.

Thank you for this surreal, enlightening follow-up to my joke. I had been crying out for the "What Happens Next" conclusion for years.

you must have watched Borat#2; at least you didn't mention Johnny the monkey.

well it's a good thing they group didn't have an Amercan couple .. the wife woulf have had a g string and a tatoo on her cheek.. "more hole in ones than him " a competitive couple

One word...CLAUDE

Why are Pirates more likely to take the Covid vaccine?

Because they were told it has Ahhrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. N.A. in it.

Prince Charles was driving down a country lane in his vintage Jensen Interceptor when a hedgehog scuttled out from a hedgerow just yards in front of him, and he ran over it. He screeched to a halt, got out of the car and picked the creature up, which was now quite dead and as flat as a pancake.

Just then a genie appeared from nowhere, asked what the problem was and granted him one wish. Prince Charles handed the flattened, bloody mess that was once a hedgehog, to the genie and said: "Please, could you do anything to bring this poor chap back"?

The genie looked at it and said there was nothing he could do as it was quite dead and beyond help. He gave the dead hedgehog back to him and told him he could still have a wish. Prince Charles pondered and said there's nothing that he really needed (being such a rich b*stard). The genie asked if he was sure there was nothing at all he would wish for. Prince Charles said: "Well, perhaps there is one thing. Camilla is not, err... how can I put this... the best looking. Could you make her more beautiful".

The genie replied: "Let me have another look at that hedgehog".

The Mafia are worried. Collectors working in their protection racket keep getting pulled by the police and, under interrogation, tell all the details. The big bosses hold a meeting and come up with the ingenious idea that if they hire deaf and dumb people then they cant squeal if arrested.

The first guy they hire is a lumbering giant, and he is sent out with a list of business's to collect varying sums of money from with the instructions to be back by 7pm. By 9pm he is still not back so they send out the enforcers to find him.

The guy is found and dragged back to Mafia HQ whereupon the big boss instructs an interpreter to ask him where the money is. He speaks to him in sign language saying: "The boss says where is the money"? The deaf and dumb guy signs back: "Tell him I don't know what he's talking about". This is relayed to the boss who then immediately pulls out a gun and puts it to the deaf and dumb guys head and says: "Now ask him where the money is".

The interpreter signs to the guy: "You better tell us where the money is or he's going to blow your brains out". The deaf and dumb guy immediately signs back: "I buried it under the third tree along from the side entrance to Green Park".

"What did he say"?, the boss asked. The interpreter replies: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about and you haven't got the balls to pull that trigger".

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun. He shouts: "This is a raid, everyone get on the floor", and he proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts: "Did anybody else here see my face?".

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter so he goes over and shoots him in the head also.

"Did anybody else see my face?" he shouts once again, waving his gun around. There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner..

"I think my wife caught a glimpse...."


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A woman in the bedroom looks in the mirror, sighs, and says to her husband: "My breasts are sagging, I'm getting fat and i don't look as young as i used to, please pay me a compliment".

The husband replies: "Your eyes are spot on"


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A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the cloud and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. He saw a tall building, flew towards it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said: "WHERE AM I" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a window of the building. Their sign said: "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer to SEA-TAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it. He replied: "I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer".


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A man walked in to a bar, ordered a drink and then said: "Best give me the same for my little friend here".

"But there's no-one else there", the bartender replied.

"Sure there is", the guy said, and proceeded to carefully pull a miniature man from the top pocket of his jacket, and then stand him on the bar counter.

The bartender was absolutely dumbfounded. "I don't believe it", he said. "Is he real. Can he do anything?".

"Sure", the customer replied. "Watch this"..... he picked a peanut up out of the complimentary bowl, flicked it along the bar and shouted: "Go get it Joe". The tiny man ran along the bar top, collected the peanut and ran back again.

"Well I'll be darned. Can he do anything else?" said the bartender.

Just then the little man took three peanuts from the complimentary bowl and started juggling them.

"I don't believe my eyes. That's just about the craziest thing I've ever seen", said the bartender. "Can he talk?"

"Sure he can", said the customer. "Go on Joe. Tell him about that time we were in the African jungle and you called that witch-doctor an asshole".


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It was two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife were sleeping when suddenly the phone rang.

The husband picked up the phone and paused for a few seconds before saying: "How the heck do I know. What am I, the weather man?" and slams the phone down.

His wife rolls over and asks: "Who was that?"

The husband replies: "I don't know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear tonight."


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An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the pain of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with great effort, gripping the railing with both hands he crawled downstairs. Gasping for breath he leaned against the door-frame and gazed into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table and landed on his knees in a heap. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a large wooden spoon.....

"Get off", she said, "they're for the funeral".

A rather shallow and pretentious guy was getting out of his new luxury car and a truck came by and tore the door right off his expensive ride.

A bystander ran over and said OMG are you alright?

The luxury car owner said no that idiot just tore my door right off!

The guy said I mean your arm, it got torn off as well!

The luxury car owner looked and screamed....My Rolex!

In the case of Sophia Vergara and her soon to be ex husband, that would be Eggistential fun.

Well I'm sorry, but how could I resist, just my little Pun Yolk

Truth hurts, doesn't it?

No ...wait...that insult was directed at me.

Alex Jones is an insane nonsensical man. But physically? He's about as hot as they come.

So...thank you for the compliment.

I think I handled that pretty well. I shall now reward myself with a cookie.