In Desparate Need of Something FUNNY

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Could be joke, video, story, even news....


I just saw a commercials compilation video...had a little too much content hahaha can not share it..


But one video not too controversial made me LOL....


A guy is at an indoor shooting gallery. Behind him is a very skeptical stone faced looking gentleman could work there, be the owner, or just passing by....


The guys first shot hits to the left of the target....hit nothing.


The guys 2nd shot also hit to the left of the target hit nothing.


The face on the guy in back of him looking very "it's amateur time!"


The guys last shot hit right in the center of a perfect Bulls Eye!


The physical paper target begins to auto reel to him....


He grabs the paper target....


He opens his personal binder full of previous targets he saved...


The two bullet holes on the left side fit the binder rings perfectly...
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  • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
    A man walks into a bar with a Duck and a biscuit tin. He sets the biscuit tin on the bar and puts the Duck on it who immediately starts dancing. Wow, says the owner of the bar, how talented. I would love to have that Duck as a feature in my bar, how much would you take for it. $500.00 says the man.

    The barman pays him. As he is walking out with the money the barman asks, how do you stop the Duck dancing. The man, rapidly exiting says: "You take the lid off the biscuit tin and blow out the candles"
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    • Profile picture of the author Dan Riffle
      Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

      A man walks into a bar with a Duck and a biscuit tin. He sets the biscuit tin on the bar and puts the Duck on it who immediately starts dancing. Wow, says the owner of the bar, how talented. I would love to have that Duck as a feature in my bar, how much would you take for it. $500.00 says the man.

      The barman pays him. As he is walking out with the money the barman asks, how do you stop the Duck dancing. The man, rapidly exiting says: "You take the lid off the biscuit tin and blow out the candles"
      How were the candles getting oxygen to stay lit in the first place?
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      • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
        Originally Posted by Dan Riffle View Post

        How were the candles getting oxygen to stay lit in the first place?
        Is this the absurd joke scientific analysis dept.
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    • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
      Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

      A man walks into a bar with a Duck and a biscuit tin. He sets the biscuit tin on the bar and puts the Duck on it who immediately starts dancing. Wow, says the owner of the bar, how talented. I would love to have that Duck as a feature in my bar, how much would you take for it. $500.00 says the man.

      The barman pays him. As he is walking out with the money the barman asks, how do you stop the Duck dancing. The man, rapidly exiting says: "You take the lid off the biscuit tin and blow out the candles"
      I'm not joking. I've read this about 5 timers...and I don't get it. Could you just explain it to me?
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    • Profile picture of the author Frank Donovan
      Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

      A man walks into a bar with a Duck and a biscuit tin. He sets the biscuit tin on the bar and puts the Duck on it who immediately starts dancing. Wow, says the owner of the bar, how talented. I would love to have that Duck as a feature in my bar, how much would you take for it. $500.00 says the man.
      The barman pays him. As he is walking out with the money the barman asks, how do you stop the Duck dancing. The man, rapidly exiting says: "You take the lid off the biscuit tin and blow out the candles"
      How did the man manage to carry both the duck and what must have been a fairly large tin into the bar?
      Wouldn't the heat-proof gloves the man must have been wearing be a giveaway?
      When placed on the hot tin, why didn't the duck just fly away?
      Did the barman conduct a cost/benefit analysis before accepting the man's price?
      Did the bar have a suitable animal welfare licence?
      The $500 was the price negotiated for the duck. How come the barman also ended up with the tin?


      The Absurd Joke Logic Analysis Dept. (UK Division)
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      • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
        Originally Posted by Frank Donovan View Post

        How did the man manage to carry both the duck and what must have been a fairly large tin into the bar?
        Wouldn't the heat-proof gloves the man must have been wearing be a giveaway?
        When placed on the hot tin, why didn't the duck just fly away?
        Did the barman conduct a cost/benefit analysis before accepting the man's price?
        Did the bar have a suitable animal welfare licence?
        The $500 was the price negotiated for the duck. How come the barman also ended up with the tin?


        The Absurd Joke Logic Analysis Dept. (UK Division)
        "How did the man manage to carry both the duck and what must have been a fairly large tin into the bar?"

        The man wheeled them in on a trolley, the biscuit tin was on an iron stand.

        "Wouldn't the heat-proof gloves the man must have been wearing be a giveaway?"

        The man wore slimline insulated gloves colored to look like human hands, something he developed

        "When placed on the hot tin, why didn't the duck just fly away?"

        Well, the duck had had it's wings clipped, also the man had a whole coup of ducks which he trains continuously by initially putting things around the biscuit tins like low electric shock devices that deterred the ducks from stepping off. After a while it was entrenched into the ducks minds that stepping off the tin would be more painful than lifting it's feet in turn off the tin's lid. Thus the scam would work on the night.

        "Did the barman conduct a cost/benefit analysis before accepting the man's price?, Did the bar have a suitable animal welfare licence? "

        All bar owners are impetuous fools who want instant gratification and don't generally think about things like this. Also, they are thinking a dancing duck in their bar would spread by word of mouth and draw trade, not to mention posting: "come and see our incredible dancing duck" on their social media pages would bring the punters in.

        "The $500 was the price negotiated for the duck. How come the barman also ended up with the tin?'

        The man of course had to include the tin in the price and say it was needed as the duck had been trained to dance on it. The duck would not have danced anyway without it.

        Hope that clears a few things up.
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      • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
        Originally Posted by Frank Donovan View Post

        How did the man manage to carry both the duck and what must have been a fairly large tin into the bar?
        Wouldn't the heat-proof gloves the man must have been wearing be a giveaway?
        When placed on the hot tin, why didn't the duck just fly away?
        Did the barman conduct a cost/benefit analysis before accepting the man's price?
        Did the bar have a suitable animal welfare licence?
        The $500 was the price negotiated for the duck. How come the barman also ended up with the tin?


        The Absurd Joke Logic Analysis Dept. (UK Division)
        I think you are missing the important points here....

        What gender does the duck identify with? Is it binary? Non-binary? Which restroom does the duck use?

        Was the duck a member of a union?

        What if the duck got burned? What kind of health care was the duck getting?

        Did the duck get a percentage of the gate, or just paid to perform?

        How old was the duck? Was it underage? Who managed the duck's career?

        Was the bar Duck assessable?

        Did the duck get free drinks?

        Did the duck get it's expenses paid by the bar, or did the bar owner put the duck's expenses on its bill?

        The Wooster Caucus Of Duck Rights.
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        • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
          Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

          I think you are missing the important points here....

          What gender does the duck identify with? Is it binary? Non-binary? Which restroom does the duck use?

          Was the duck a member of a union?

          What if the duck got burned? What kind of health care was the duck getting?

          Did the duck get a percentage of the gate, or just paid to perform?

          How old was the duck? Was it underage? Who managed the duck's career?

          Was the bar Duck assessable?

          Did the duck get free drinks?

          Did the duck get it's expenses paid by the bar, or did the bar owner put the duck's expenses on its bill?

          The Wooster Caucus Of Duck Rights.
          "Did the duck get it's expenses paid by the bar, or did the bar owner put the duck's expenses on its bill?"

          On it's "Bill" that's a good one
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          • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
            Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

            "Did the duck get it's expenses paid by the bar, or did the bar owner put the duck's expenses on its bill?"

            On it's "Bill" that's a good one
            Don't tease me. Don't play with my emotions. I'm in a fragile state right now.
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  • Profile picture of the author Kay King
    I've read this about 5 timers...and I don't get it. Could you just explain it to me?

    You've heard of a 'hot tin roof'? This was a hot tin LID....it will hit you about 3 AM in the morning....
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    • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
      Originally Posted by Kay King View Post

      You've heard of a 'hot tin roof'? This was a hot tin LID....it will hit you about 3 AM in the morning....
      Weird. I immediately got it when I read your post. But I'm not sure I ever would have understood the joke on my own. Thanks,
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      • Profile picture of the author Dan Riffle
        Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

        Weird. I immediately got it when I read your post. But I'm not sure I ever would have understood the joke on my own. Thanks,
        I'm pretty sure this is a familiar feeling for you...
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  • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
    On You-Tube there is a pretty normal guy called "Canadian Studmuffin" who lives in Trenton, Ontario Canada. He does offbeat reviews of processed foods, makes up various characters and dresses up like them, reviews classic rock albums. Not amazingly funny but quirky and reasonably entertaining (like Dan Riffle). He has a large following.

    He has a strange Canadian accent and his opening line is always: "Hi fans of high quality entertainment."

    Not knowing Trenton Ontario (where it snows a lot) I latched on to doing quips about it as being a backward community. He always gives me a heart of approval and sometimes comments back. A few examples.

    1) He does a rather poor overlay in the sky of a UFO outside his house. I replied:

    "You don't fool me, that was never Trenton Ontario"

    2) He was watching that crazed woman doing the recent chanting and speaking in tongues with the guy walking backwards and forwards behind her, over the election. I replied:

    "For a minute there, I thought I was watching a typical Council Meeting In Trenton, Ontario"

    3) Someone asked what Christmas was like there. I replied:

    "They don't put on nativity play's in Trenton Ontario, they could never find Three Wise Men"

    4) He boasts about his website making abilities and shows two appalling websites he has done (tongue in cheek) hoping to drum up business. I reply:

    "Once they get the internet up and running in Trenton Ontario I'm sure local businesses will come flocking to your door"

    Anyone ever heard quips about your home town if it is in the back of beyond. Like: "Brisbane Australia, 60 million flies cant be wrong"
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  • Profile picture of the author Profit Traveler
    EXCELLENT!


    Claude....YOU would dance too with hot feet!
    Inspector Dan Clouseau....the tin had holes?.
    Ianfear63....it is YOU who needs a dedicated Channel!
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    • Profile picture of the author Dan Riffle
      Originally Posted by Profit Traveler View Post

      Inspector Dan Clouseau....the tin had holes?
      Then there was no need to take the lid off.

      But I digress. 'Twas merely giving Mark a little shit, or, as he would say, taking the piss.
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      • Profile picture of the author whateverpedia
        Originally Posted by Dan Riffle View Post

        'Twas merely giving Mark a little shit, or, as he would say, taking the piss.
        Very commendable. We all need a hobby in these trying times.

        Carry on.
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        • Profile picture of the author Dan Riffle
          Originally Posted by whateverpedia View Post

          Very commendable. We all need a hobby in these trying times.

          Carry on.
          Hey, it's either this or protesting against fictitious, anti-Amazon awards shows.
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  • Profile picture of the author tagiscom
    Originally Posted by Dan Riffle View Post

    How were the candles getting oxygen to stay lit in the first place?

    Carbon Capture.
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  • Profile picture of the author Profit Traveler
    Just did a search for short funny jokes and found a list....
    https://www.readersdigest.ca/culture...-can-remember/

    here are 2 samples...

    I invented a new word: Plagiarism!


    Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

    There's no menu: You get what you deserve.
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  • Profile picture of the author Kay King
    On You-Tube there is a pretty normal guy called "Canadian Studmuffin" who lives in Trenton, Ontario Canada. He does offbeat reviews of processed foods, makes up various characters and dresses up like them, reviews classic rock albums. Not amazingly funny but quirky and reasonably entertaining (like Dan Riffle). He has a large following.

    The 'large following' of Mr Studmuffin says something very strange about either YouTube viewers or Canada....not sure which.
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    • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
      Originally Posted by Kay King View Post

      The 'large following' of Mr Studmuffin says something very strange about either YouTube viewers or Canada....not sure which.
      He's been putting out these video's for over 10 years. There's something personable and likeable about him that people seem to appreciate. He has or had a girlfriend called Molly who's about 22 years his junior and she used to travel 5 hours on the train to visit him until Covid put and end to that. She used to appear in his video's and starting out shy became quite the character. She did an impression of him and his accent in one of them which I thought was hilarious. Don't know about their status. He still has their pictures together on the wall.
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  • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
    One of my favorites:

    A mature woman wanted to date and marry a virgin male. She cast her net via online dating in her quest. Eventually a man from Australia (Called Shane) answered and an online romance ensued. He assured her he'd never been with a woman. Eventually they met and decided to get married straight away. The nuptials would be consummated on the wedding night.

    In the hotel room she told him to wait while she freshened up in the bathroom and would slip into something more comfortable. Fifteen minutes later she emerged in her negligee only to find that Shane had cleared and put the furniture and bed all around the edges of the room, stacked against the walls, even rolled up the carpet.

    "What's this all about?" she said. Shane replied: "I didn't know what to expect, I've only ever been with a Kangaroo"
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  • Profile picture of the author Frank Donovan
    Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

    Hope that clears a few things up.
    Too late. These points should have been included in a sub-clause of the original joke.

    Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

    What gender does the duck identify with? Is it binary? Non-binary?
    We don't know for sure - it could have been eider.

    What kind of health care was the duck getting?
    Doesn't matter - the doctors are all quacks.
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    • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
      Originally Posted by Frank Donovan View Post

      Too late. These points should have been included in a sub-clause of the original joke.



      We don't know for sure - it could have been eider.

      Doesn't matter - the doctors are all quacks.
      The healthcare provider would be Aflac.

      https://youtu.be/izKm3N8HMv4
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    • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
      Originally Posted by Frank Donovan View Post

      We don't know for sure - it could have been eider.
      "Eider". I hate you.


      Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

      The healthcare provider would be Aflac.

      https://youtu.be/izKm3N8HMv4
      I also hate you.

      Never be funnier than me....or your goose is cooked.
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    • Profile picture of the author Dan Riffle
      Originally Posted by Frank Donovan View Post

      We don't know for sure - it could have been eider.
      See, folks? That's how it's done.
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    • Profile picture of the author whateverpedia
      Originally Posted by Frank Donovan View Post

      Too late. These points should have been included in a sub-clause of the original joke.
      Indeed the very essence of comedy is not in the story, but in the explanatory footnotes.
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      • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
        Originally Posted by whateverpedia View Post

        Indeed the very essence of comedy is not in the story, but in the explanatory footnotes.
        Indeed, Claude needed an explanation of my Duck joke because he was AddenDumb.
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        • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
          Originally Posted by whateverpedia View Post

          Indeed the very essence of comedy is not in the story, but in the explanatory footnotes.
          This is a weird quirk I have.

          If I tell someone (even a group) a joke......or say something I think is witty or funny...and they don't laugh.....

          I'll say something like "OK, the reason that was funny is..." And I will explain the joke.

          Naturally, the explanation is never funny. But for whatever reason, I find the blank stares as I explain the reason they should have laughed...hilarious. I'll spend time going over the structure of the joke and the psychology of what makes it funny. Of course, it's just irritating to listen to.

          Mostly, I'll do it with friends or relatives, because I know I can get away with it.

          (commercial break. New story)

          A good friend was at a dinner, and about 12 of us were sitting at the same table. I said something funny, and everyone laughed except my friend.

          His wife actually asked him "Didn't you think that was funny?"

          And he said "No. I like Claude. I value his friendship. I just don't think he's funny". (I loved that statement far more than is normal. I love frank statements from friends)

          And I said (In a serious tone) "Bill. You are wrong. I'm hilarious. I've done a study of whether I'm funny or not, and the results are...I am really funny. So, you are mistaken.". Of course, I was just pulling his leg.

          The table went back to discussing whatever we were talking about. And I didn't give it another thought.

          The next day, my friend (with his wife dragging him by the arm) walked up to me and said "I was thinking about this all night. I was wrong. You are funny". He said it in a dead serious tone. I started laughing so hard, I had to grab his arm to keep from doubling over.

          Later that day, when he was alone. I walked up to him and said something like 'So....your wife thought you offended me, and demanded that you say I was funny?"

          He smiled and said "Yup. And by the way, you are funny. I was in a bad mood last night"

          I told him I didn't give it any thought, because we are friends.

          By the way, the reason that story was entertaining is......
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          • Profile picture of the author Dan Riffle
            Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

            By the way, the reason that story was entertaining is......
            ...because you like to hear yourself talk (and you can't type without mouthing the words)?
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            • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
              Originally Posted by Dan Riffle View Post

              ...because you like to hear yourself talk (and you can't type without mouthing the words)?
              I said " I love frank statements from friends"

              From friends!
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              • Profile picture of the author Dan Riffle
                Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

                I said " I love frank statements from friends"

                From friends!
                Then you must be a true lover of quality over quantity.
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              • Profile picture of the author whateverpedia
                Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

                I said " I love frank statements from friends"

                From friends!
                Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear.

                Dem's fightin' words.
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          • Profile picture of the author whateverpedia
            Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

            By the way, the reason that story was entertaining is......
            Now that is really what you call funny.
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  • Profile picture of the author xatajam823
    EXCELLENT!
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  • Profile picture of the author Frank Donovan
    "A friend to all is a friend to none."





    [A friends statement from frank]
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    • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
      Originally Posted by Frank Donovan View Post

      "A friend to all is a friend to none."





      [A friends statement from frank]
      Riffle proves that "A friend to none is a friend to none."

      Yes, I just quoted myself. I'm that important.


      Originally Posted by Dan Riffle View Post

      Then you must be a true lover of quality over quantity.
      I'm all about quantity over quality. That's why I like talking to you.
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      • Profile picture of the author kenmichaels
        Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

        Riffle proves that "A friend to none is a friend to none."

        Yes, I just quoted myself. I'm that important.




        I'm all about quantity over quality. That's why I like talking to you.
        Is that why your wife likes talking to you?

        Originally Posted by whateverpedia View Post

        Now that is really what you call funny.
        Only to a brit a sidekick.
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  • A man walks into a bar with a Duck and a biscuit tin. He sets the biscuit tin on the bar and puts the Duck on it who immediately starts dancing. Wow, says the owner of the bar, how talented. I would love to have that Duck as a feature in my bar, how much would you take for it. $500.00 says the man.

    The barman pays him. As he is walking out with the money the barman asks, how do you stop the Duck dancing. The man, rapidly exiting says: "You take the lid off the biscuit tin and blow out the candles.

    So the barman chases aftah the man. "You sayin' I got a long face? Is that IT? Is that your frickin' problem?"

    That's when he hears KNOCK KNOCK.

    Uh oh -- seems his bar done SHUT behind him, an' he is LOCKED OUT ... less'n he can figure the way stoopid puntasmal Lanfear way to get back inside.

    "Who's there?" he says.

    A distant voice replies, "the duck guy. Fleeing the heck from this poor excuse for a joke! Plus, yeah, now you mention it -- you are so frickin' HORSE I would be embarrassed if I looked half as NOSTRILLY and GENETICALLY EQUINE as your sorry ass. No pun intended."

    Seconds later, anothah voice replies -- this time, from behind the bar door.

    "Uhm ... can I get outta here please? My wife gonna kill me if she finds out I been drinkin' myself crazy all afternoon."

    "No, you got that all wrong," says the barman. "Punchline comes at the end. I gotta ask you first who you are, then, when you answer, I invite further qualification ... which you subsequently supply ... but there is such a fundamentally humorous play on words going on that your final retort brings the house down."

    "Are you clowning with me? I just wanna get the hell outta your bar before Suzie trashes my car. Where are the frickin' keys?"

    "Aaaaawkay," says the barman. "Don't wanna appear condescending, but there are no keys in a knock knock joke. The door functions simply as a rhetorical device to advance the wordplay forward."




    *comedic pause*



    "If you don't open this door RIGHT NOW, I'm punching your teeth right outta your chops!"
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    • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
      Originally Posted by Princess Balestra View Post

      A man walks into a bar with a Duck and a biscuit tin. He sets the biscuit tin on the bar and puts the Duck on it who immediately starts dancing. Wow, says the owner of the bar, how talented. I would love to have that Duck as a feature in my bar, how much would you take for it. $500.00 says the man.

      The barman pays him. As he is walking out with the money the barman asks, how do you stop the Duck dancing. The man, rapidly exiting says: "You take the lid off the biscuit tin and blow out the candles.

      So the barman chases aftah the man. "You sayin' I got a long face? Is that IT? Is that your frickin' problem?"

      That's when he hears KNOCK KNOCK.

      Uh oh -- seems his bar done SHUT behind him, an' he is LOCKED OUT ... less'n he can figure the way stoopid puntasmal Lanfear way to get back inside.

      "Who's there?" he says.

      A distant voice replies, "the duck guy. Fleeing the heck from this poor excuse for a joke! Plus, yeah, now you mention it -- you are so frickin' HORSE I would be embarrassed if I looked half as NOSTRILLY and GENETICALLY EQUINE as your sorry ass. No pun intended."

      Seconds later, anothah voice replies -- this time, from behind the bar door.

      "Uhm ... can I get outta here please? My wife gonna kill me if she finds out I been drinkin' myself crazy all afternoon."

      "No, you got that all wrong," says the barman. "Punchline comes at the end. I gotta ask you first who you are, then, when you answer, I invite further qualification ... which you subsequently supply ... but there is such a fundamentally humorous play on words going on that your final retort brings the house down."

      "Are you clowning with me? I just wanna get the hell outta your bar before Suzie trashes my car. Where are the frickin' keys?"

      "Aaaaawkay," says the barman. "Don't wanna appear condescending, but there are no keys in a knock knock joke. The door functions simply as a rhetorical device to advance the wordplay forward."




      *comedic pause*



      "If you don't open this door RIGHT NOW, I'm punching your teeth right outta your chops!"
      Thank you for this surreal, enlightening follow-up to my joke. I had been crying out for the "What Happens Next" conclusion for years.
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  • Profile picture of the author tagiscom
    Originally Posted by Dan Riffle View Post

    ...because you like to hear yourself talk (and you can't type without mouthing the words)?
    His cats do the typing.

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  • Profile picture of the author Kay King
    My d-in-law and I just discovered Jose Cuervo Grapefruit Tangerine Marguerita....then we discovered strawberry-lime Marguerita....

    Just in time for Christmas.

    Dear liver -
    The next couple of weeks are going to be rough. Stay strong my little champion.
    Signature
    Saving one dog will not change the world - but the world will change forever for that one dog.

    You don't have to be crazy to ride with us - we can train you...
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  • Profile picture of the author Luka19
    Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.

    "Get out of here!" shouts the bartender. "We don't serve your type." Check out these coffee puns for a while latte laughs.
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  • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
    An Englishman Irishman and an Australian were out playing golf with their wives on a windy day.

    The Englishman's wife takes her turn, suddenly a gust of wind blows her skirt up to reveal frayed undies. My god said her husband, not very presentable dear, well you never give me enough housekeeping money says the wife. Well, says her husband, here's 20 pounds, go and buy yourself a new set of undies.

    The Irishman's wife steps up, a gust of wind blows her skirt up. Her undies were not only frayed but had holes in them. Begorrah says the Irishman, that's gross. well you never give me hardly any housekeeping money says the wife. Weill, says the Irishman, here's 5 pounds, buy yourself a couple of cheap pairs.

    The Australian's wife steps up. A gust of wind blows her skirt up to reveal no undies. Strueth says the Australian, here's a dollar, go and buy yourself a comb.
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    • Profile picture of the author tagiscom
      Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

      An Englishman Irishman and an Australian were out playing golf with their wives on a windy day.

      The Englishman's wife takes her turn, suddenly a gust of wind blows her skirt up to reveal frayed undies. My god said her husband, not very presentable dear, well you never give me enough housekeeping money says the wife. Well, says her husband, here's 20 pounds, go and buy yourself a new set of undies.

      The Irishman's wife steps up, a gust of wind blows her skirt up. Her undies were not only frayed but had holes in them. Begorrah says the Irishman, that's gross. well you never give me hardly any housekeeping money says the wife. Weill, says the Irishman, here's 5 pounds, buy yourself a couple of cheap pairs.

      The Australian's wife steps up. A gust of wind blows her skirt up to reveal no undies. Strueth says the Australian, here's a dollar, go and buy yourself a comb.
      you must have watched Borat#2; at least you didn't mention Johnny the monkey.

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    • Profile picture of the author Odahh
      Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

      An Englishman Irishman and an Australian were out playing golf with their wives on a windy day.

      The Englishman's wife takes her turn, suddenly a gust of wind blows her skirt up to reveal frayed undies. My god said her husband, not very presentable dear, well you never give me enough housekeeping money says the wife. Well, says her husband, here's 20 pounds, go and buy yourself a new set of undies.

      The Irishman's wife steps up, a gust of wind blows her skirt up. Her undies were not only frayed but had holes in them. Begorrah says the Irishman, that's gross. well you never give me hardly any housekeeping money says the wife. Weill, says the Irishman, here's 5 pounds, buy yourself a couple of cheap pairs.

      The Australian's wife steps up. A gust of wind blows her skirt up to reveal no undies. Strueth says the Australian, here's a dollar, go and buy yourself a comb.
      well it's a good thing they group didn't have an Amercan couple .. the wife woulf have had a g string and a tatoo on her cheek.. "more hole in ones than him " a competitive couple
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  • Profile picture of the author Profit Traveler
    COUPLE COVID JOKES....

    The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released.

    To be clear, WHO let the dogs out!


    After years of wanting to thoroughly clean my house but lacking the time, this week I discovered that wasn't the reason.


    My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, "Throw this and wherever it lands--that's where I'm taking you when this pandemic ends." Turns out, we're spending two weeks behind the fridge.


    Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.


    This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog-we laughed a lot.


    Nothing like relaxing on the couch after a long day of being tense on the couch.


    Day 121 at home and the dog is looking at me like, "See? This is why I chew the furniture!"
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  • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
    A 70 year old man goes to the doctor for a regular checkup. After doing all the tests the doctor says: "You're in excellent health and have the disposition of a man half you're age. There must be good genes in you're family. Tell me, how old was your father when he died?"

    The man said: "You "Assume" he's dead, he's not, and is a spritely man of 90 years"

    The doc said: "Wow, amazing, tell me, how old was your grandfather when he passed. The man said: "You "Assume" he's dead, he's not, he's 110 years old. Next week he's going to get married to a 20 year old woman"

    "Wow", said the doctor: "What made him want to get married at such an age"

    The man said: "You "Assume" he had a choice"
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