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Happy Birthday Claude

by lanfear63
36 replies
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I'm not going to directly give away his age but Clickty Click in Bingo will give you a clue.

What can you say about Claude Whitacre that the Wooster Police Department hasn't already said.

Claude got in trouble with the trading standards recently when he put up a sign on his store front announcing that all Vacuums were fitted with Covid filters. This was a blatant lie and they only protect against the common cold. Claude's other sign saying that you had to put them in isolation for two weeks after getting them home was also under investigation as his return policy was 10 days.

Claude is a "Stable" genius, that's why he breeds horses and is often heard spouting Foal language.

Happy Birthday Old Chum
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  • Profile picture of the author whateverpedia
    Clickety Click? I'd have thought "Two Fat Ladies" would be a more appropriate description, although the age is wrong.
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    "Life can only be understood backwards, but must be lived forwards" - Soren Kierkegaard
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  • Profile picture of the author Dan Riffle
    Oh boy, the Wooster Mens Bathhouse and Feather Boa Emporium will be a-rockin' tonight. It's a no mask facility, by the way. They've already given each other everything else...

    Happy birthday, Claude (Don't worry, I'll call Cheryl and remind her).
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    If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.

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  • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
    Guys:

    Cheryl keeps acting as though there isn't a huge Birthday party planned. She keeps saying that she needs to go to the store, or to the bathroom. But I know that there are hundreds (My Birthdays bring the biggest crowds) of people trying to stay out of my sight....for the big surprise.

    Since today is my Birthday, I ran an ad saying that we were having a Birthday Sale.

    Today only, everything in the store is 50% more. After all, it's my birthday.

    And Thank You guys.
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    • Profile picture of the author kenmichaels
      Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

      Guys:

      Cheryl keeps acting as though there isn't a huge Birthday party planned. She keeps saying that she needs to go to the store, or to the bathroom. But I know that there are hundreds (My Birthdays bring the biggest crowds) of people trying to stay out of my sight....for the big surprise.

      Since today is my Birthday, I ran an ad saying that we were having a Birthday Sale.

      Today only, everything in the store is 50% more. After all, it's my birthday.

      And Thank You guys.
      Happy Birthday


      I.O.U
      One bucket of extra crispy KFC
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      Selling Ain't for Sissies!
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  • Profile picture of the author tagiscom
    Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

    I'm not going to directly give away his age but Clickty Click in Bingo will give you a clue.

    What can you say about Claude Whitacre that the Wooster Police Department hasn't already said.

    Claude got in trouble with the trading standards recently when he put up a sign on his store front announcing that all Vacuums were fitted with Covid filters. This was a blatant lie and they only protect against the common cold. Claude's other sign saying that you had to put them in isolation for two weeks after getting them home was also under investigation as his return policy was 10 days.
    He has an updated version.


    Not suitable for small children, pets and small rodents.

    Happy Birthday Claude, and hope you stay well.

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  • Profile picture of the author Jeffery
    Who is Claude?
    Happy Birthday Claude.
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    In the minute it took me to write this post.. someone died of Covid 19. RIP.
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    • Profile picture of the author Dan Riffle
      Originally Posted by Jeffery View Post

      What is Claude?
      Happy Birthday Claude.
      Fixed it for you.
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      If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.

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  • Profile picture of the author Kay King
    Happy (happy happy happy....) Birthday


    Will there be cake at the party Cheryl is not throwing for you?
    I like cake.
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    Saving one dog will not change the world - but the world will change forever for that one dog.

    You don't have to be crazy to ride with us - we can train you...
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    • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
      Originally Posted by Kay King View Post

      Happy (happy happy happy....) Birthday


      Will there be cake at the party Cheryl is not throwing for you?
      I like cake.
      My lovely wife....the love of my life...

      She couldn't help herself. She bought me a cake and candles. We now buy Birthday candles by the gross.

      I have often heard old people say that their favorite time in life was when they were in their seventies. I believe it.

      A beautiful wife, a nice home, two cats to entertain us, no bills to speak of, a business that's near effortless and profitable.....and money set aside for retirement.

      I even have a forum I can use when I want to brag, argue, whine, or massage my weak self image.

      Not a bad life at all.
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      • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
        Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

        My lovely wife....the love of my life...

        She couldn't help herself. She bought me a cake and candles. We now buy Birthday candles by the gross.

        I have often heard old people say that their favorite time in life was when they were in their seventies. I believe it.

        A beautiful wife, a nice home, two cats to entertain us, no bills to speak of, a business that's near effortless and profitable.....and money set aside for retirement.

        I even have a forum I can use when I want to brag, argue, whine, or massage my weak self image.

        Not a bad life at all.
        Cheryl said: "Surprise!, now come on dear, make a wish and blow out the Fire Hazzard"

        You did that and she waved to the fire service to move off. As the drool began to drip out the corners of your mouth she hastily reminded you not to eat the candles like you did last year, which made you wax lyrical on the forum for a couple of weeks and get on everybody's wick.
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  • Profile picture of the author Frank Donovan
    They laughed when you said you wanted to be a famous after-dinner speaker...





    ...it would mean you'd actually have to finish eating.


    Happy Birthday, Claude.
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    • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
      Originally Posted by Frank Donovan View Post

      They laughed when you said you wanted to be a famous after-dinner speaker...
      When I used to speak for a living, people would call and tell me that it was an event that I would speak at after dinner. They would ask about my fee, and I would say...

      "You had me at "Dinner""

      The secret to successful speaking? Knowing how to throw your weight around.

      My talk was titled "The Circumference Of Success"

      I was a platform speaker...a structurally reinforced platform speaker.
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      • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
        Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

        When I used to speak for a living, people would call and tell me that it was an event that I would speak at after dinner. They would ask about my fee, and I would say...

        "You had me at "Dinner""

        The secret to successful speaking? Knowing how to throw your weight around.

        My talk was titled "The Circumference Of Success"

        I was a platform speaker...a structurally reinforced platform speaker.
        Your spoke on a "Wide" range of subjects which had "Broad" appeal.

        Your love of food is probably the one thing you have in common with Dan Riffle. He is a Gastrognome.
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      • Profile picture of the author tagiscom
        Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

        When I used to speak for a living, people would call and tell me that it was an event that I would speak at after dinner. They would ask about my fee, and I would say...

        "You had me at "Dinner""

        The secret to successful speaking? Knowing how to throw your weight around.

        My talk was titled "The Circumference Of Success"

        I was a platform speaker...a structurally reinforced platform speaker.
        Yeah, l know your acting career, (Circumference of Doom hint, no l won't drag it up again) some of us are still on painkillers.

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  • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
    My Friends...and Dan Riffle;

    Today is a sad day for our nation.

    At Midnight last night, a tragedy of epic proportions cast a shadow across the entire planet.

    At midnight, last night...it was no longer my Birthday.

    The pain and anguish caused by the knowledge that it was no longer my special day resulted in a worldwide spasm of grief.

    But fear not, loyal minions....Next year, God willing....the entire world can again celebrate the birth of our national treasure....Me.

    Apparently, our UPS man was shot yesterday. I can think of no other reason why my truckload of gifts weren't delivered.

    66 years old.....Older, and yet wider. (My wife typed this. My fingers are too fat to use the keyboard. I told her she misspelled "Wiser". She just laughed and walked away)
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    • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
      Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

      My Friends...and Dan Riffle;

      Today is a sad day for our nation.

      At Midnight last night, a tragedy of epic proportions cast a shadow across the entire planet.

      At midnight, last night...it was no longer my Birthday.

      The pain and anguish caused by the knowledge that it was no longer my special day resulted in a worldwide spasm of grief.

      But fear not, loyal minions....Next year, God willing....the entire world can again celebrate the birth of our national treasure....Me.

      Apparently, our UPS man was shot yesterday. I can think of no other reason why my truckload of gifts weren't delivered.

      66 years old.....Older, and yet wider. (My wife typed this. My fingers are too fat to use the keyboard. I told her she misspelled "Wiser". She just laughed and walked away)
      So your wife was none the wiser?

      I warned people against using UPS (United Pistol Service)
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  • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
    Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

    Claude is a "Stable" genius,
    I am stable because I have a very low center of gravity. In fact, at my age, everything is pretty low.

    And am I crazy, or is gravity increasing with every year?
    Here are things I will never be doing again...ever;

    Running
    Jumping
    Flirting
    Situps
    Swimming in public
    Swimming in private
    Sweating from work
    Sweating from any other cause
    Holding my stomach in, when a girl walks by
    Using the stairs instead of the escalator or the elevator

    Added later;
    Bending over
    Kicking


    My goal for 2021; Working less, Bragging more. Blaming others more for my mistakes.
    Trying to convince my wife that I'm still macho.
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    One Call Closing book https://www.amazon.com/One-Call-Clos...=1527788418&sr
    "Be Kind, For Everyone You Meet Is Fighting A Great Battle" John Watson
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    • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
      Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

      I am stable because I have a very low center of gravity. In fact, at my age, everything is pretty low.

      And am I crazy, or is gravity increasing with every year?
      Here are things I will never be doing again...ever;

      Running
      Jumping
      Flirting
      Situps
      Swimming in public
      Swimming in private
      Sweating from work
      Sweating from any other cause
      Holding my stomach in, when a girl walks by
      Using the stairs instead of the escalator or the elevator


      My goal for 2021; Working less, Bragging more. Blaming others more for my mistakes.
      Trying to convince my wife that I'm still macho.
      "I am stable because I have a very low center of gravity. In fact, at my age, everything is pretty low."

      A dirty low down bum

      "Trying to convince my wife that I'm still alive."

      Fixed
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  • Profile picture of the author Kay King
    Does someone else need to hold the mirror? Just wondering...
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    Saving one dog will not change the world - but the world will change forever for that one dog.

    You don't have to be crazy to ride with us - we can train you...
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    • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
      Originally Posted by Kay King View Post

      Does someone else need to hold the mirror? Just wondering...
      Yes. They have to hold the mirror...stand ten feet away...and wear a blindfold.

      I don't make up the rules.

      I use a bookmark, so I won't forget where my navel is.
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      "Be Kind, For Everyone You Meet Is Fighting A Great Battle" John Watson
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      • Profile picture of the author Princess Balestra
        Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

        I use a bookmark, so I won't forget where my navel is.
        Prolly beside your braino your navel is your most obvious feachah.

        Like Einstein said, "thoughts travel infinitessimally fast -- but if you got any kind of stomach, you can cross a room faster than most anyone."

        Uhm ... so ima late in here on the birthday festivities, but no less enthoosiastic bcs I been dowin' stuff like dryin' my hair an' orderin' weird books steada showin' prompt.

        As a Capricorn, such ungrateful tardiness might compel you to serene dismissal ... unless

        that ole hoovah suction deal means you a suckah for praise from most anywan -- even a loopsydoops Sagittarius gal got no frickin' observable taste for practically hennythurng.

        *sob*

        I feel guilty now.

        How could I possibly have woken up yesterday and not experienced the thrill of your birth in my bones?

        Hey, hey -- gotta love ya, poppet.

        If'n there be such a thing as a pedestal of enlightened submission offa which I could fall -- I'm on it.

        Plus also, ain't birthday weeks a thing now?

        You could drag this out till next week an' nowan would consider you in any way demandin'.

        In yogah this is known as the 'lavish indulgence in kindness to self' -- so I would wanna hope your Fu talents can stretch the festivities out till Febrooary.
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        Lightin' fuses is for blowin' stuff togethah.

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      • Profile picture of the author tagiscom
        Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

        Yes. They have to hold the mirror...stand ten feet away...and wear a blindfold.
        .
        Yes. They have to hold two mirrors...use complex computer modelling, and take sick leave.

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      • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
        Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

        Yes. They have to hold the mirror...stand ten feet away...and wear a blindfold.

        I don't make up the rules.

        I use a bookmark, so I won't forget where my navel is.
        Makes sense, bookmarks are placed in folds
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        • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
          Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

          Makes sense, bookmarks are placed in folds
          Nothing gets past you, does it?





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          • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
            Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

            Nothing gets past you, does it?
            I take apart your posts and do plays on words.

            Henceforth, my Transformers name shall be known as: "Disectapun"
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    • Profile picture of the author Jeffery
      Originally Posted by Kay King View Post

      Does someone else need to hold the mirror? Just volunteering...
      Fixed
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      In the minute it took me to write this post.. someone died of Covid 19. RIP.
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  • Profile picture of the author tagiscom
    Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

    My Friends...and Dan Riffle;

    Today is a sad day for our nation.

    At Midnight last night, a tragedy of epic proportions cast a shadow across the entire planet.

    At midnight, last night...it was no longer my Birthday.

    The pain and anguish caused by the knowledge that it was no longer my special day resulted in a worldwide spasm of grief.

    But fear not, loyal minions....Next year, God willing....the entire world can again celebrate the birth of our national treasure....Me.

    Apparently, our UPS man was shot yesterday. I can think of no other reason why my truckload of gifts weren't delivered.

    66 years old.....Older, and yet wider. (My wife typed this. My fingers are too fat to use the keyboard. I told her she misspelled "Wiser". She just laughed and walked away)
    66, don't tell anyone in your area, otherwise it will be pitchforks and torches outside your business, late at night.

    That won't make any difference to the other angry mob that do likewise, though.

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  • Profile picture of the author Jeffery
    Originally Posted by Kay King View Post

    Does someone else need to hold the mirror? Just wondering...
    Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

    Yes. They have to hold the mirror...stand ten feet away...and are blinded..

    I don't make up the rules.

    I use a bookmark, so I won't forget where my navel is.
    Fixed
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    In the minute it took me to write this post.. someone died of Covid 19. RIP.
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  • Profile picture of the author DURABLEOILCOM
    Happy Birthday Claude Hope you have many more!
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    Ready to Be The Bo$$!?!

    Start Your Own Business Today!
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  • Profile picture of the author Profit Traveler
    We love you Claude!

    You can dish it and you can take it, these days that puts you right up there with Skywalker.

    This makes me wonder what is the Warrior Forums Birthday because seems like alot here were at the cord cutting.

    2020 was a doozy, personally experienced my first ever "BanCation" hahaha but will never negate the friends/partners, the knowledge, and the life changing built in income ecosystem here.

    Pour a shot for Claude and Allen Says/WF Founder.
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