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An Interesting Work Ethic Ruins A Loving Relationship Story

by lanfear63
25 replies
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This exasperated guy asked for advice on Reddit over this.

The guy met this woman, a doctor and she had worked abroad in a poor country, eventually returning to the US. He was totally in love with her and respected her etc. They got on great. She was obviously smart and he liked doing somewhat charitable work as well as other stuff.

During the early part of their three year relationship he came into a small fortune from the will of his great uncle who he cared for in his early twenties until he died. So, really, he did not have to work. And, he invested some of it in properties making him even more rental income. But, he did still work. He tutored kids, knew several languages, but his principal gig was going on short business trips closing deals for a partner of his. Collectively, his inheritance aside, he earned three times the salary of his girlfriend. He only needed to work 3 hours a day on average though, working smart, not hard. He had more time for her, friends and family.

Eventually, she gave him an ultimatum, go and get an eight to five desk job or she would leave him. Even with all his protestations, logical arguments and offering to take her on his business trips to see him in action working smart. She refused, citing that their relationship could not progress if he did not do this and how would it look to their future kids in regards to instilling the "Work" ethic? She was obviously brought up to go down the conventional route regarding work, and despite being a smart person and becoming a doctor, she could not see past this. So, he said no and they split up.

One side note to this, he lived modestly, just has an apartment and did not even own a car and preferred to use public transport. Perhaps if he had splashed out on a big house and an expensive car and all the trimmings things might have been different, But in this case, I don't think so.

I'm sure some of you who have made your money in unconventional, internet or other ways might be able to relate to the above story in at least a small way?
  • Profile picture of the author Kay King
    You can't judge a relationship from the outside - sometimes can't even judge it from the inside.

    If he was truly earning 3x as much as she was...it wasn't about income or job. Unless she didn't know his earnings or didn't want to live quite so basically.

    He had more time for her, friends and family.
    Perhaps too much time? Is it really about a job - or about too much 'togetherness'? Could it be after working his 'three hours' he was interfering with her work in an attempt at helping or 'time together'? Perhaps 'control issues' on one or both sides?



    My Grandmother once told me if you really love someone - you love them because of their faults, not in spite of them.
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    • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
      Originally Posted by Kay King View Post

      You can't judge a relationship from the outside - sometimes can't even judge it from the inside.

      If he was truly earning 3x as much as she was...it wasn't about income or job. Unless she didn't know his earnings or didn't want to live quite so basically.



      Perhaps too much time? Is it really about a job - or about too much 'togetherness'? Could it be after working his 'three hours' he was interfering with her work in an attempt at helping or 'time together'? Perhaps 'control issues' on one or both sides?



      My Grandmother once told me if you really love someone - you love them because of their faults, not in spite of them.
      She knew about his earnings and wealth and being a doctor worked long hours and came home tired, so, it was not too much togetherness due to her work schedule. Except of course he was always available when she returned. Perhaps a bit of jealousy? He never indicated that he said to her, well you don't have to work at all, be a stay at home mum although most likely she could have been. I don't even think she would have wanted that anyway.

      I think that she must have been very instilled with the work ethic when young and gone through all the steps to become a doctor and perhaps resented him earning so easily without doing all that. She also indicated that well, Inheritances and ways of earning that are potentially volatile could all fall through while a profession like a doctor or a steady job was more stable.

      As to him buying a big house with all the trimmings, then the kids would need to have the work ethic and politeness instilled in them despite the obvious wealth. That's just good parenting.

      Despite that, if she loved him then she should have appreciated him for what he was, obviously an intelligent, talented and successful and loving man. Her loss.
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      • Profile picture of the author Frank Donovan
        Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

        ..obviously an intelligent, talented and successful and loving man..
        ...who looks for relationship advice on Reddit. What, no family? No friends?

        The only thing I find stranger than people airing their personal affairs in public is the attraction that these stories seem to hold for others.
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        • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
          Originally Posted by Frank Donovan View Post

          ...who looks for relationship advice on Reddit. What, no family? No friends?

          The only thing I find stranger than people airing their personal affairs in public is the attraction that these stories seem to hold for others.
          I suppose people who genuinely do that often get many, many replies from a cross section of the public. So, drawing on these diverse answers and opinions there may be a good one not thought of before by the O/P. More so than just a small circle of friends will yield. You may even get a Lawyer or someone who had been through this themselves and have the right answers.

          Another aspect is consensus of opinion and the same solutions being consistently voiced.
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          • Profile picture of the author Frank Donovan
            Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

            I suppose people who genuinely do that often get many, many replies from a cross section of the public. So, drawing on these diverse answers and opinions there may be a good one not thought of before by the O/P. More so than just a small circle of friends will yield. You may even get a Lawyer or someone who had been through this themselves and have the right answers.
            I doubt there's any one right answer. Certainly not any legal one from someone online claiming to be a lawyer.

            Relationships are complex and multi-faceted. It's hard enough for those close to the couple to know what to advise. I don't know why anyone would expect total strangers to come up with the solution - and that's assuming the issues can be accurately described in a Reddit post to start with. It's all too easy for outsiders to pick up on partial facts and read more into them than is warranted.

            You're smart, but you've made assumptions about the woman wanting to be the breadwinner that maybe originate more from your own prejudices than from the details given. That's not a criticism - everyone's experiences color their views. But there's a reason why professional counsellors have to go through extensive training.
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            • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
              Originally Posted by Frank Donovan View Post

              I doubt there's any one right answer. Certainly not any legal one from someone online claiming to be a lawyer.

              Relationships are complex and multi-faceted. It's hard enough for those close to the couple to know what to advise. I don't know why anyone would expect total strangers to come up with the solution - and that's assuming the issues can be accurately described in a Reddit post to start with. It's all too easy for outsiders to pick up on partial facts and read more into them than is warranted.

              You're smart, but you've made assumptions about the woman wanting to be the breadwinner that maybe originate more from your own prejudices than from the details given. That's not a criticism - everyone's experiences color their views. But there's a reason why professional counsellors have to go through extensive training.
              These are only speculations I'm making. Lack of info cannot confirm anything. I also speculated that she might just have wanted to split with him and used it as a rather pathetic excuse so he would initiate it and saved her the trouble, which as further info to this story, he did end up doing. But only after saying that he failed to understand her weird reasoning but if she was not going to stay with him when he refused to do it then there was no sense in going on. She moved out the next day, no further contact. So, it just could have been that.
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  • Profile picture of the author Frank Donovan
    It sounds like they were just incompatible.

    He could have spent the extra hours doing charitable work if he was so inclined. She was probably a little resentful of his good fortune, having witnessed the plight of those in poorer countries first-hand.
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  • Profile picture of the author spartan14
    Well if i had an acceptable income then my wife need to accept my way of living ,he cannot force me to get a 9 to 5 job .If my wife dont accept my way of living we go on separate roads
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  • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
    Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

    Collectively, his inheritance aside, he earned three times the salary of his girlfriend. He only needed to work 3 hours a day on average though, working smart, not hard. He had more time for her, friends and family.

    Eventually, she gave him an ultimatum, go and get an eight to five desk job or she would leave him. Even with all his protestations, logical arguments and offering to take her on his business trips to see him in action working smart. She refused, citing that their relationship could not progress if he did not do this and how would it look to their future kids in regards to instilling the "Work" ethic?
    There is always more to the story than we know. And we ware only hearing one side.

    Some people (maybe most) don't understand entrepreneurs. They don't understand making a profit. They are used to a job, wages, and fitting in.

    To a far lesser scale, I can relate.

    My family and in-laws used to ask me when I was going to get a real job. To them, my income was uncertain and maybe a tad illegal.

    Some people who are very giving to charity and have a more liberal outlook...tend to see business as slightly evil. They see profits as slightly immoral.

    Maybe just working a few hours a day, making that much money...just seemed wrong to her.
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    • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
      Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

      There is always more to the story than we know. And we ware only hearing one side.

      Some people (maybe most) don't understand entrepreneurs. They don't understand making a profit. They are used to a job, wages, and fitting in.

      To a far lesser scale, I can relate.

      My family and in-laws used to ask me when I was going to get a real job. To them, my income was uncertain and maybe a tad illegal.

      Some people who are very giving to charity and have a more liberal outlook...tend to see business as slightly evil. They see profits as slightly immoral.

      Maybe just working a few hours a day, making that much money...just seemed wrong to her.
      Perhaps the woman saw herself as wanting to be the breadwinner in a relationship and due to all her efforts, a doctors salary is not to be sniffed at. Perhaps she wanted to marry an eight to fiver on a modest salary so she could hold it over them. Sounds like a bit of a control issue as well.

      You have told the story of peoples reaction to your profession where they say "Get a real job" before.

      It surprises me because America champions the entrepreneur mentality. Perhaps people really only look up to others who have already made it, live in big mansions and lead a lavish lifestyle. The don't see you living in a very nice house and having a new car as any comparison. Strange.
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      • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
        Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

        Perhaps the woman saw herself as wanting to be the breadwinner in a relationship and due to all her efforts, a doctors salary is not to be sniffed at. Perhaps she wanted to marry an eight to fiver on a modest salary so she could hold it over them. Sounds like a bit of a control issue as well.
        Maybe. But my guess is that it's more about her perception about what he does for a living. What he does, she probably doesn't see as work.

        But who knows?




        Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

        It surprises me because America champions the entrepreneur mentality. Perhaps people really only look up to others who have already made it, live in big mansions and lead a lavish lifestyle. The don't see you living in a very nice house and having a new car as any comparison. Strange.
        I know the answer.

        People look up to "Success stories" because they are fantasies. A sort of wish fulfillment. Really successful people are a kind of celebrity. People of interest.

        The difference is that the people in my life (and anyone else that experiences this) actually care for me, or even love me. They are looking out for my best interests. To them, anything approaching entrepreneurial success is a fantasy...a waste of time. They were protecting me.

        To them, I wasn't really working. Selling isn't work.

        Once I owned a retail store, my parents thought about it differently. A store owner is someone respectable. Even though they have no idea what I do or how it works.

        And my in-laws saw my home, and it became hard to joke about not having a job.

        But the truth is, I made the most money speaking, selling from the stage. I knew nobody would understand how that worked, so I never really talked about it with relatives.
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        • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
          Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

          Maybe. But my guess is that it's more about her perception about what he does for a living. What he does, she probably doesn't see as work.

          But who knows?






          I know the answer.

          People look up to "Success stories" because they are fantasies. A sort of wish fulfillment. Really successful people are a kind of celebrity. People of interest.

          The difference is that the people in my life (and anyone else that experiences this) actually care for me, or even love me. They are looking out for my best interests. To them, anything approaching entrepreneurial success is a fantasy...a waste of time. They were protecting me.

          To them, I wasn't really working. Selling isn't work.

          Once I owned a retail store, my parents thought about it differently. A store owner is someone respectable. Even though they have no idea what I do or how it works.

          And my in-laws saw my home, and it became hard to joke about not having a job.

          But the truth is, I made the most money speaking, selling from the stage. I knew nobody would understand how that worked, so I never really talked about it with relatives.
          "The difference is that the people in my life (and anyone else that experiences this) actually care for me, or even love me." Talking of fantasies.

          Never knew that your best income was made talking on stage and selling. That must have come much later on thanks to the net. How well would you have fared without that, just having the brick and mortar business or door to door?
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          • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
            Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

            "The difference is that the people in my life (and anyone else that experiences this) actually care for me, or even love me." Talking of fantasies.

            Never knew that your best income was made talking on stage and selling. That must have come much later on thanks to the net. How well would you have fared without that, just having the brick and mortar business or door to door?
            When I was selling vacuum cleaners in people's homes, I was earning a high income. But I had the habit of only working enough each week to meet my income goals. Still, I did well.

            In speaking (which I did from about 2005 to 2016) I made the most money. In retail the income was high, but not as high as it was speaking.

            You may find this interesting. When speaking from the stage and owning a retail store, marketing brings in sales as much as selling. In both instances, my marketing skills brought in more business and income than my comfort level allowed.

            Why? If people are coming in to buy, you just make sales, and you don't stop, even if you have met your goals. And speaking? It brought in more money than anything else, and I got to keep almost all of it. The marketing I set up forced me often to earn more than I planned. Weird. But that's how it works.

            If I had just sold door to door, and nothing else, I would have kept a strong income, but it would be pretty flat.

            If I only did retail, My income would steadily increase, and the consistency would be better than speaking or selling in homes...because it requires less initiative on my part.

            The internet had little to do with my speaking income. The internet had more influence over my retail sales in the store, because I heavily promoted my store online locally.

            So here is about where my time was spent...

            From about 1976 until about 2005 I sold in people homes.

            From 1986 until now, I owned a retail store (with a short gap about 25 years ago)

            I also spoke at trade shows and company functions, selling my courses/newsletter/ services from about 2005 to 2016.

            And from about 2008 to 2013, we also sold a ton of stuff online from our store, in addition to everything else.

            So most of the time, no matter what else I was doing, I had a retail store I worked out of. That's the most consistent part of my professional life, and in a week, it will be gone. It feels strange.

            Originally Posted by Kay King View Post

            My guess is it's fiction. If not, why would anyone feel the need to tell the world a story like that? I don't like either one of those people.
            I was thinking the same thing. I felt nothing for either one.
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            • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
              Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

              When I was selling vacuum cleaners in people's homes, I was earning a high income. But I had the habit of only working enough each week to meet my income goals. Still, I did well.

              In speaking (which I did from about 2005 to 2016) I made the most money. In retail the income was high, but not as high as it was speaking.

              You may find this interesting. When speaking from the stage and owning a retail store, marketing brings in sales as much as selling. In both instances, my marketing skills brought in more business and income than my comfort level allowed.

              Why? If people are coming in to buy, you just make sales, and you don't stop, even if you have met your goals. And speaking? It brought in more money than anything else, and I got to keep almost all of it. The marketing I set up forced me often to earn more than I planned. Weird. But that's how it works.

              If I had just sold door to door, and nothing else, I would have kept a strong income, but it would be pretty flat.

              If I only did retail, My income would steadily increase, and the consistency would be better than speaking or selling in homes...because it requires less initiative on my part.

              The internet had little to do with my speaking income. The internet had more influence over my retail sales in the store, because I heavily promoted my store online locally.

              So here is about where my time was spent...

              From about 1976 until about 2005 I sold in people homes.

              From 1986 until now, I owned a retail store (with a short gap about 25 years ago)

              I also spoke at trade shows and company functions, selling my courses/newsletter/ services from about 2005 to 2016.

              And from about 2008 to 2013, we also sold a ton of stuff online from our store, in addition to everything else.

              So most of the time, no matter what else I was doing, I had a retail store I worked out of. That's the most consistent part of my professional life, and in a week, it will be gone. It feels strange.



              I was thinking the same thing. I felt nothing for either one.
              "and in a week, it will be gone. It feels strange."

              Car screeches to a halt, double take look back!!!

              What???, Noooo, Really?? Finally??

              Go back to your home and prepare for withdrawal and a little mental illness. Thank the heck you are married!
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  • Profile picture of the author DWolfe
    Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

    This exasperated guy asked for advice on Reddit over this.
    he came into a small fortune . So, really, he did not have to work.....

    only needed to work 3 hours?
    So you been hanging out in r/relationships for one thing ;>)

    Could be a made up story from someone Karma farming.
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    • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
      Originally Posted by DWolfe View Post

      So you been hanging out in r/relationships for one thing ;>)

      Could be a made up story from someone Karma farming.
      No, just hearing the stories transcribed to you-tube videos and read out. It's an interesting story anyway even if it was fiction as it raises issues in how people perceive things.
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  • Profile picture of the author Kay King
    My guess is it's fiction. If not, why would anyone feel the need to tell the world a story like that? I don't like either one of those people.
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    • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
      Originally Posted by Kay King View Post

      My guess is it's fiction. If not, why would anyone feel the need to tell the world a story like that? I don't like either one of those people.
      Aside from the guy not flaunting his wealth a bit as a demonstration I don't see anything wrong with with his actions and that's not me just being guy-centric. The girlfriends demands were absurd. Hey, don't earn 250k a year, just earn 45k in a desk job, that's just crazy. Perhaps she just did want out and was using it as an excuse knowing he would never comply.

      So many of these stories are about families chucking out their kids at 18, (sometimes because they have another golden child they wish to pamper) and go no contact with them for years. In these stories the kids start off sleeping in their cars or at friends houses. Years later the kids become successful and wealthy. The families fall on hard times or the golden child ends up a druggy or something. So they track down their discarded son or daughter begging them for money and trying to use the "We Are Family" card, only to get told to pound sand.

      The above story was a refreshing change.
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      • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
        Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

        Aside from the guy not flaunting his wealth a bit as a demonstration I don't see anything wrong with with his actions and that's not me just being guy-centric. The girlfriends demands were absurd. Hey, don't earn 250k a year, just earn 45k in a desk job, that's just crazy.
        I strongly suspect (assuming the story is real) that it isn't a matter of money to the wife. It's more that he isn't working for a salary, in a company. To many people social structure is everything.
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  • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
    An interesting thing about ultimatums in a relationship.

    Just giving the ultimatum at all means that the affection and relationship is highly conditional.

    My assumption is that ultimatums given in a relationship are really the declaration of it ending.

    Just giving in to an ultimatum lowers your feeling of worth, and shows your mate that you are weak. There is no win here.
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    • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
      Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

      An interesting thing about ultimatums in a relationship.

      Just giving the ultimatum at all means that the affection and relationship is highly conditional.

      My assumption is that ultimatums given in a relationship are really the declaration of it ending.

      Just giving in to an ultimatum lowers your feeling of worth, and shows your mate that you are weak. There is no win here.
      Cheryl: If you don't cut back on your food intake I will Divorce you!

      Claude: We will discuss this further after I've finished my Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner

      Batman
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    • Profile picture of the author socialentry
      Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

      An interesting thing about ultimatums in a relationship.

      Just giving the ultimatum at all means that the affection and relationship is highly conditional..

      but wat if ur girlfriend turns out to be a vampire or a werwolf
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      • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
        Originally Posted by socialentry View Post

        but wat if ur girlfriend turns out to be a vampire or a werwolf
        Than that means you are in a coma, and imagining everything.
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        • Profile picture of the author socialentry
          Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

          Than that means you are in a coma, and imagining everything.

          but wat if she is a metaphorical vampire like elizabeth bathory
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  • Profile picture of the author Princess Balestra
    Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

    Eventually, she gave him an ultimatum, go and get an eight to five desk job or she would leave him.

    If'n you gonna issue an ultimatum, up the ante.


    9 to 5 is kinda regulah, but that extra hour says she really means it.
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