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Unbelievable Revelation

by lanfear63
51 replies
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"Turns out you can just buy a birthday cake anytime and eat it yourself. Nobody checks"

Anybody here got any other profound statements like that they'd like to share?
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  • Profile picture of the author Dan Riffle
    I mostly use my driver's license to purchase things that impare my driving.
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    Raising a child is akin to knowing you're getting fired in 18 years and having to train your replacement without actively sabotaging them.

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  • Profile picture of the author XYZcontent
    Even a broken clock is right twice a day.
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    • Profile picture of the author Odahh
      Originally Posted by XYZcontent View Post

      Even a broken clock is right twice a day.
      Not the way I break a clock. And the blinking digital clocks are never righ until you reset them. Which is just before the power goes out again. And you let it blink for a few months
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  • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
    My friend really did say this.

    "A big indulgence of mine is to have a cup of tea in the bath"

    I swiftly had to reply with: "Ohhh get behind you Satan"
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  • Profile picture of the author Odahh
    This is just a personal observation. So it may be different with the people around you. But so far anyone I have seen drinking smart water regularly. Has not had any positive effects.

    Remember it better to be thought of as a fool than to open your mouth and prove you are an a****le
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  • Profile picture of the author Dan Riffle
    They say you can learn a lot by walking a mile in a man's shoes. If you walk a mile in Claude's shoes, you'll learn that they're practically brand new.
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    • Profile picture of the author tagiscom
      Originally Posted by Dan Riffle View Post

      They say you can learn a lot by walking a mile in a man's shoes. If you walk a mile in Claude's shoes, you'll learn that they're practically brand new.
      I wanted to take a train into Melbourne to enjoy the Comic/Superhero show, but realized that it was a contradiction in terms!

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    • Profile picture of the author Odahh
      Originally Posted by Dan Riffle View Post

      They say you can learn a lot by walking a mile in a man's shoes. If you walk a mile in Claude's shoes, you'll learn that they're practically brand new.
      Someone pointed at the half full glass of beer. And asked the half full or empty question. So I quickly drank the rest grabbed the picture of beer and refilled my glass.

      I said don't worry there is more than enough.
      And I can walk home from here.

      Someone asked my drinking limit. So I said " I brought this much money so that's my limit. " damit they liked that answer so much they bough me a couple beers.
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  • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
    "There we were at a table for two. There were four of us, me, your big feet and you"

    Fats Waller
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  • Profile picture of the author Joel Young
    If every 4th child born in the world is Chinese, and you already have 3 children....
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  • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
    Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

    "Turns out you can just buy a birthday cake anytime and eat it yourself. Nobody checks"

    Anybody here got any other profound statements like that they'd like to share?
    Wen I was a kid, and got a splinter in my hand, my Dad told me "It will stop hurting when the pain goes away". Honest, I thought it was an astounding insight at the time.

    I even thought "He was right. It DID stop hurting when the pain went away".
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    • Profile picture of the author Odahh
      Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

      Wen I was a kid, and got a splinter in my hand, my Dad told me "It will stop hurting when the pain goes away". Honest, I thought it was an astounding insight at the time.

      I even thought "He was right. It DID stop hurting when the pain went away".
      I'm so old I remember walks mile away from my parents house and crossing a busy street alone when I was in kindergarten. And no one called the cops. Until after I knocked on someone's door. And the cops just took me home. But then again I remember playing outside as a kid. Because houses generally didn't have air conditioning. Only one rv in the house had a cable box. So the only option was to play outside.

      Oh and you only told your parents where you where going so they could tell any friends who came looking for you where you should be.
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      • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
        Originally Posted by Odahh View Post

        I'm so old I remember walks mile away from my parents house and crossing a busy street alone when I was in kindergarten. And no one called the cops. Until after I knocked on someone's door. And the cops just took me home. But then again I remember playing outside as a kid. Because houses generally didn't have air conditioning. Only one rv in the house had a cable box. So the only option was to play outside.

        Oh and you only told your parents where you where going so they could tell any friends who came looking for you where you should be.
        I remember my parents saying "Go play outside". And we would go outside for hours. Sometimes miles away without telling them. We would generally come back when it was getting dark. I don't remember either parent ever worrying about where we were or whether we were OK or not. It's just how it was.
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        • Profile picture of the author Dan Riffle
          Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

          I remember my parents saying "Go play outside". And we would go outside for hours. Sometimes miles away without telling them. We would generally come back when it was getting dark. I don't remember either parent ever worrying about where we were or whether we were OK or not. It's just how it was.
          If I were to let my son play outside by himself, even in my own yard, I'd probably go to jail.
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          Raising a child is akin to knowing you're getting fired in 18 years and having to train your replacement without actively sabotaging them.

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          • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
            Originally Posted by Dan Riffle View Post

            If I were to let my son play outside by himself, even in my own yard, I'd probably go to jail.
            If you let your son play outside by himself, you should go to jail.

            If you are caught playing with your son, you should go to jail.

            If you let your son play with other kids, you should go to jail.

            If you never had a son, you should go to jail.

            Do you notice a theme here?
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            • Profile picture of the author Dan Riffle
              Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post


              Do you notice a theme here?
              You're starting to get dementia?
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        • Profile picture of the author Frank Donovan
          Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

          I remember my parents saying "Go play outside".
          They were probably under pressure from the other airline passengers.
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    • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
      Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

      Wen I was a kid, and got a splinter in my hand, my Dad told me "It will stop hurting when the pain goes away". Honest, I thought it was an astounding insight at the time.

      I even thought "He was right. It DID stop hurting when the pain went away".
      "It will stop hurting when the pain goes away"

      I wondered why you do not see Dan that often.

      Whenever I hurt myself, my dad always used to say: "You'll die after it" Always used to infuriate me that.
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    • Profile picture of the author Dan Riffle
      Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

      Wen I was a kid, and got a splinter in my hand, my Dad told me "It will stop hurting when the pain goes away".
      Your dad probably kept telling himself that until you moved out.
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      Raising a child is akin to knowing you're getting fired in 18 years and having to train your replacement without actively sabotaging them.

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  • Profile picture of the author savidge4
    if 7-11's are open 24 hours a day 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year why are there locks on the doors?
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  • Profile picture of the author max5ty
    I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.

    Not like the passengers in his car that were screaming...
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  • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
    "At the store I noticed the recommended age to have an Ouija Board is 8+

    So, you have to be 21 years to drink and 8 to summon the Devil?"


    "Oh, I'm sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours"
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    • Profile picture of the author Odahh
      Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post



      "Oh, I'm sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours"
      Well of course it was a run on sentence I stopped paying attention to 3 minutes ago.

      Even Claude drops a lame joke into his speeches every few minutes to see who is paying attention
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  • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
    When my son was maybe 6 or 7 years old, I remember a conversation we were having where he made two observations.

    "You know that alphabet? It has every letter in it!" and "Those numbers....they just go on forever don't they?"

    Every parent knows those moments when their child has an "Aha" moment like that, where their world is now different.
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    • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
      Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

      When my son was maybe 6 or 7 years old, I remember a conversation we were having where he made two observations.

      "You know that alphabet? It has every letter in it!" and "Those numbers....they just go on forever don't they?"

      Every parent knows those moments when their child has an "Aha" moment like that, where their world is now different.
      "Those numbers....they just go on forever don't they?"

      He was just Adding to the conversation
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      • Profile picture of the author Dan Riffle
        Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

        "Those numbers....they just go on forever don't they?"

        He was just Adding to the conversation
        I just assumed he was watching Claude on the scale.
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        • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
          Originally Posted by Dan Riffle View Post

          I just assumed he was watching Claude on the scale.
          You Aced it with that one
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  • Profile picture of the author tagiscom
    Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

    If you let your son play outside by himself, you should go to jail.

    If you are caught playing with your son, you should go to jail.

    If you let your son play with other kids, you should go to jail.

    If you never had a son, you should go to jail.

    Do you notice a theme here?
    That you should go to jail?

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  • Profile picture of the author Dan Riffle
    Seventy-three percent of homeownership is cardboard management.
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    Raising a child is akin to knowing you're getting fired in 18 years and having to train your replacement without actively sabotaging them.

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    • Profile picture of the author Odahh
      Originally Posted by Dan Riffle View Post

      Seventy-three percent of homeownership is cardboard management.
      And the rest is pulling around the cart with everything you own and the boxes you call a home when you sleep at night.
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  • Profile picture of the author discrat
    Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

    "Turns out you can just buy a birthday cake anytime and eat it yourself. Nobody checks"

    Anybody here got any other profound statements like that they'd like to share?
    The unbelievable revelation and profound observation that some threads started here are just plain lame
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    • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
      Originally Posted by discrat View Post

      The unbelievable revelation and profound observation that some threads started here are just plain lame
      Wow, that was really profound!!
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      • Profile picture of the author discrat
        Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

        Wow, that was really profound!!
        Another profound statement : Sometimes the Truth hurts
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  • Profile picture of the author Princess Balestra
    I am positively stunned
    by the surfeit of profund.
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  • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
    Yesterday they delivered a desk my wife ordered. It came in pieces...lots and lots of pieces. It weighs a tad over 80 pounds.

    As I took the pices out of the box, I mentioned that we should have looked for a desk that was either assembled., or where they offered the service for an extra cost.

    My lovely wife then told me they offered the service of home assembly or $100, but she didn't want to spend the money.

    My wife, who is a giving and compassionate person, forgot that it was going to be me putting it together.

    It took a little over 3 hours. Me, stewing in my own petty self pity, and my wife telling me what a great job I was doing.

    Then it was nearly done. We just needed to install the handles on the drawers.
    I installed them on one side, and looked over to her side of the desk.

    She had installed the handles on the inside of the drawers. I laughed for 5 minutes.

    Then we watched a very sad movie (The Father, with Anthony Hopkins), and I burst out laughing two more times. In bed, I started laughing and woke her up.

    Today we were going for a walk, and I started laughing again.

    What's amazing to me is this revelation

    If anyone else did it, it wouldn't have been funny to me. A stranger, a relative, a friend...probably not a chuckle.

    But to me, Cheryl is adorable. Unless she's mad at me, she always makes me smile.

    And to me, her putting the handles on the inside of the drawers was the funniest thing I've ever seen.

    The way she just looked at the drawers and said "Oh Darn!", when she realized what was funny....

    I'm grinning now, just typing this....with our cat Sylvester sleeping on my desk right next to the computer. Snoring.

    A good life.
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    • Profile picture of the author discrat
      Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

      Yesterday they delivered a desk my wife ordered. It came in pieces...lots and lots of pieces. It weighs a tad over 80 pounds.

      As I took the pices out of the box, I mentioned that we should have looked for a desk that was either assembled., or where they offered the service for an extra cost.

      My lovely wife then told me they offered the service of home assembly or $100, but she didn't want to spend the money.

      My wife, who is a giving and compassionate person, forgot that it was going to be me putting it together.

      It took a little over 3 hours. Me, stewing in my own petty self pity, and my wife telling me what a great job I was doing.

      Then it was nearly done. We just needed to install the handles on the drawers.
      I installed them on one side, and looked over to her side of the desk.

      She had installed the handles on the inside of the drawers. I laughed for 5 minutes.

      Then we watched a very sad movie (The Father, with Anthony Hopkins), and I burst out laughing two more times. In bed, I started laughing and woke her up.

      Today we were going for a walk, and I started laughing again.

      What's amazing to me is this revelation

      If anyone else did it, it wouldn't have been funny to me. A stranger, a relative, a friend...probably not a chuckle.

      But to me, Cheryl is adorable. Unless she's mad at me, she always makes me smile.

      And to me, her putting the handles on the inside of the drawers was the funniest thing I've ever seen.

      The way she just looked at the drawers and said "Oh Darn!", when she realized what was funny....

      I'm grinning now, just typing this....with our cat Sylvester sleeping on my desk right next to the computer. Snoring.

      A good life.
      You know what the really sad thing about this is as much as all of us would agree ( here at Off Topic forum) that you hit the jackpot with Cheryl...well is how lucky Cheryl was to have hooked you.


      Alright Whitacre don't gloat too much. You still and will always be the resident donut addict here at WF
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    • Profile picture of the author tagiscom
      Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post


      I'm grinning now, just typing this....with our cat Sylvester sleeping on my desk right next to the computer. Snoring.

      A good life.
      Overthrowing the free world takes its toll.
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    • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
      Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

      Yesterday they delivered a desk my wife ordered. It came in pieces...lots and lots of pieces. It weighs a tad over 80 pounds.

      As I took the pices out of the box, I mentioned that we should have looked for a desk that was either assembled., or where they offered the service for an extra cost.

      My lovely wife then told me they offered the service of home assembly or $100, but she didn't want to spend the money.

      My wife, who is a giving and compassionate person, forgot that it was going to be me putting it together.

      It took a little over 3 hours. Me, stewing in my own petty self pity, and my wife telling me what a great job I was doing.

      Then it was nearly done. We just needed to install the handles on the drawers.
      I installed them on one side, and looked over to her side of the desk.

      She had installed the handles on the inside of the drawers. I laughed for 5 minutes.

      Then we watched a very sad movie (The Father, with Anthony Hopkins), and I burst out laughing two more times. In bed, I started laughing and woke her up.

      Today we were going for a walk, and I started laughing again.

      What's amazing to me is this revelation

      If anyone else did it, it wouldn't have been funny to me. A stranger, a relative, a friend...probably not a chuckle.

      But to me, Cheryl is adorable. Unless she's mad at me, she always makes me smile.

      And to me, her putting the handles on the inside of the drawers was the funniest thing I've ever seen.

      The way she just looked at the drawers and said "Oh Darn!", when she realized what was funny....

      I'm grinning now, just typing this....with our cat Sylvester sleeping on my desk right next to the computer. Snoring.

      A good life.
      Lord Vader

      I find it disturbing that you have a snoring computer, but I digress.

      I remember my wife buying an expensive computer just after she retired using a little windfall of unused vacation money. She also bought a powered riser and a desk. Muggins here put it all together for her and set it up. I even bought some accessories for it since it was near her birthday. A week later she asked for a divorce. Planned timing.

      I have put many flat packed constructions together after moving into my new place. Most went smoothly, a few errors were made, but corrected. Yes, some can take hours, lot's of sweat and toil, not to mention nervousness at getting it wrong. I bought a printer stand and unnecessarily drilled 4 holes in the top shelf before realizing it was attached a different way. That's just covered with paper to hide them.

      Other than that my construction projects went well. However, my knees were an issue, kneeling down for a long time to do it and trying to get up was painful. I hope you are not finding this out about yours.

      But one thing, taking all these vitamin supplements has completely cured my painful knees, amazing, just the feet to worry about, lol.
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      • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
        Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

        Other than that my construction projects went well. However, my knees were an issue, kneeling down for a long time to do it and trying to get up was painful. I hope you are not finding this out about yours.

        Even though I did all the actual assembly, my wife was invaluable.

        As I was grunting and groaning, crawling around on the floor, she suggested putting it together on the dining room table. A very good idea. And she pointed out things I missed in the instructions.

        If you add us together, I think we have one fully functioning brain.


        Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

        A week later she asked for a divorce. Planned timing.
        You're lucky. If I had married you, I would have asked for a divorce on our wedding night.
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        • Profile picture of the author Dan Riffle
          Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post


          If you add us together, I think we have one fully functioning brain.
          Of course, 1+ 0 is still 1.
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  • Profile picture of the author Haroon Ballim
    Often people say , '' You have two choices '' , when they really mean '' You have a choice ''

    A choice is already two options !
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  • Profile picture of the author Kay King
    My wife, who is a giving and compassionate person, forgot that it was going to be me putting it together.

    Or - your wife, who is always planning ahead...knew it was NOT going to be her putting it together.
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  • Profile picture of the author max5ty
    The whole Ikea brand is not well represented in this thread...
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    • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
      Originally Posted by max5ty View Post

      The whole Ikea brand is not well represented in this thread...
      My wife bought it from Wayfair. To me, it was cheap materials for a desk. But then, I saw it as a pile of pieces before it was assembled. Had I bought it assembled, I may not have noticed the poorer quality.
      I have to admit, the instruction book for assembly was really well done.
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      • Profile picture of the author savidge4
        Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

        I have to admit, the instruction book for assembly was really well done.
        So well done a number of handles went on the inside of the drawers...

        and for the record... $100 to have it built for you, OR save the $100 and build it yourself and gain a PRICELESS memory... DIY it is!!!
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        • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
          Originally Posted by savidge4 View Post

          So well done a number of handles went on the inside of the drawers...

          and for the record... $100 to have it built for you, OR save the $100 and build it yourself and gain a PRICELESS memory... DIY it is!!!
          I joked with my wife that the handle inside the drawer was a genius idea to prevent anyone from being locked inside the drawer.

          Now that you mention it, it was a priceless memory. I'll keep that in mind.



          The instruction book was very clear. In fact, I had already installed two handles, and my wife already installed one handle correctly. It was the second handle she put on the inside of the drawer.

          Her reaction when she realized what she did as what made me laugh. And it was such a small mistake, it just struck me as hilarious. But I laughed for two days because of it.

          Years ago, I bought a new Ford Thunderbird. It was the first car I bought that had an automatic shoulder strap on the seat belt. You would sit down, fasten the seat belt, and the shoulder strap would automatically retract around your shoulder.

          We stopped for ice cream cones shortly after we bought the car. I got in, holding the cone in my left hand, and as the shoulder strap retracted, It pulled my wrist (with the cone in my hand) into my face. My nose got buried in the ice cream. I started laughing, because of how absurd it was. Honestly, it happened in a second, and I couldn't figure out how to get my hand out of the way without dropping the ice cream cone.

          Silly human tricks.
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          • Profile picture of the author tagiscom
            Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

            I joked with my wife that the handle inside the drawer was a genius idea to prevent anyone from being locked inside the drawer.

            Now that you mention it, it was a priceless memory. I'll keep that in mind.
            Sounds like an Inside Job?

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          • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
            Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

            I joked with my wife that the handle inside the drawer was a genius idea to prevent anyone from being locked inside the drawer.

            Now that you mention it, it was a priceless memory. I'll keep that in mind.



            The instruction book was very clear. In fact, I had already installed two handles, and my wife already installed one handle correctly. It was the second handle she put on the inside of the drawer.

            Her reaction when she realized what she did as what made me laugh. And it was such a small mistake, it just struck me as hilarious. But I laughed for two days because of it.

            Years ago, I bought a new Ford Thunderbird. It was the first car I bought that had an automatic shoulder strap on the seat belt. You would sit down, fasten the seat belt, and the shoulder strap would automatically retract around your shoulder.

            We stopped for ice cream cones shortly after we bought the car. I got in, holding the cone in my left hand, and as the shoulder strap retracted, It pulled my wrist (with the cone in my hand) into my face. My nose got buried in the ice cream. I started laughing, because of how absurd it was. Honestly, it happened in a second, and I couldn't figure out how to get my hand out of the way without dropping the ice cream cone.

            Silly human tricks.
            At least your wife had a handle on it.

            Makes a change about the ice cream. You usually just run over the cones.

            "There's nothing wrong with me that an expensive operation can't prolong."
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  • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
    "Cat owners are 30 percent less likely to have a stroke and cats are more likely to have a stroke"
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    • Profile picture of the author Odahh
      Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

      "Cat owners are 30 percent less likely to have a stroke and cats are more likely to have a stroke"
      That is indoor cats. Outdoor cats some times bring home snakes mice and other things to torture for an hour or so . Or just cause the owner to panic.
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