Doctor! Doctor!

Ha Ha, there are no emojis to express.

Redneck Ray is sitting at a bar in Houston, silently nursing a beer.

Suddenly, a big burly man walks in and slaps Ray so hard that he falls off of his stool...

"That was a karate chop from Korea," says the big man proudly.

Ray sighs, gets up, brushes the dust off his clothes, and then sits down on the stool and continues to drink his beer.

Suddenly he gets hit so hard that he flies into the wall...

"That was a kung-fu chop from China," chuckles the big man.

At this point, Ray has had enough...

He gets up, brushes off the dust and calmly leaves the bar.

After about an hour Ray returns, walks up behind the big guy...

And whacks him so hard behind his ear that he blacks out.

Ray looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, why don't you tell him... "

"That was a shovel from the hardware store in Houston."

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work...

He plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."

The wife sighs and gets him a beer...

Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."

She looks cross, but fetches another beer, and slams it down next to him...

He finishes that beer, and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

The wife is furious!...

She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight?!"

"Drink beer and sit in front of that TV?!"

"You're nothing but a lazy drunken fat slob, and furthermore... "

The man sighs and thinks to himself...

"Uhhhg, It's started."

A guy goes into a bar with his dog, and asks for a drink...

Instantly, the bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here!"

The guy replies, "This is my seeing-eye dog."

"Oh, I'm sorry sir," says the bartender, feeling bad...

"Here, the first one is on me."

The man takes his drink, then goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks into the bar with a dog...

The first guy stops him and says, "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell the bartender it's a seeing-eye dog."

The guy thanks him, continues to the bar, and asks for a drink.

The bartender yells, "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The guy replies, "This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bartender says, "No, I don't think so... "

"They don't use Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs."

The man pauses for a moment, then says, "What?!... "

"They gave me a freak'in Chihuahua?

This one is a little different. Frankly, I must be really on the slow side today (well every day) because I'm not sure if I got any one of these 3 jokes. Let me know if you did.

Two seeing eye dogs are walking down the street when they come to a crosswalk. The first dog stops and waits for the light to change, but the second dog just keeps walking. The first dog says, "Hey, where are you going?" The second dog says, "I'm a seeing eye dog, not a waiting eye dog!
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Two seeing eye dogs are walking down the street when they come to a crosswalk. The first dog says to the second, "I'm going to go first. You follow me."

The second dog says, "But I can't see."

The first dog says, "That's okay. I'll lead you."

So the first dog starts to walk across the street, and the second dog follows close behind. Just as they're about to reach the other side, a car comes speeding around the corner. The first dog sees the car and jumps out of the way, but the second dog doesn't see it and gets hit.

The first dog runs over to the second dog and says, "Are you okay?"

The second dog says, "I don't know. I can't see."

The first dog says, "That's okay. I'll lead you home."

And so the first dog led the second dog home, and they lived happily ever after.
=================================

Two seeing eye dogs are walking down the street when they come to a busy intersection. The first dog stops and looks both ways, then starts to cross the street. The second dog stops and looks both ways, then starts to cross the street in the opposite direction.

The first dog stops and says, "Hey, where are you going?"

The second dog says, "I'm going to the other side."

The first dog says, "But we're already on the other side."

The second dog says, "I know, but I'm not blind."

honest opinion? All three sound like they were written by someone trying desperately to be funny (and failing)....who has perhaps resided too long in mom's basement.

One day, a man stops at a fast-food restaurant for lunch...

After receiving his order, he sits down next to an elderly couple.

He notices they have ordered just one meal between them...

As he watches, the older gentleman carefully divides the hamburger in half, then counts out the fries until each has half of them.

The old man then begins to eat, as his wife sits watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decides to ask if they would let him buy another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman says, "Oh, no... "

"We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been, and will always be, shared fifty-fifty."

The young man then asks the wife if she was going to eat...

to which she replies, "Not yet young man... "

"It's his turn to use the teeth."

A cowboy rides up to a Saloon, goes inside and orders a drink...

He almost has the glass of whiskey to his lips, when a guy comes running up to the door, and yells, "Hey Joe! Your house is burnin!"

The man leaps up, runs out of the saloon, jumps on his horse, then thinks, "Hey, I don't have a house!"

So, he goes back into the saloon, sits down, and raises the glass to his lips again.

Just then a man comes running up to the door and yells, "Hey Joe! Your dad just died!"

So again, he leaps up, runs out of the saloon, gets on his horse, and starts to head down the street.

Then he thinks, "Wait a minute, my dad died nine years ago!"

He goes back to the saloon, and he's just about to take a sip of his whiskey when, sure enough, another guy runs up to the door.

"Joe! Congratulations! You've won the lottery!... "

"There's a pile of money waiting for you down at the post office!"

The cowboy gets up, leaps on the horse, and starts flying towards the post office.

He is almost there when he thinks, "Hey, wait a minute... "

"My name ain't Joe!"

I was at the beach yesterday and saw a man in the water shouting


"Help! Shark! Help!"


I just laughed and kept walking - I knew the shark wasn't going to help him.

Billy Bob comes home from college to his redneck family, in tears...

"Ma, am I adopted?" he asks.

"Heck no!" replies his mother...

"Why in tar nations would you think such a thing?"

Billy Bob shows her his genealogy DNA test results...

No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived on the other side of the county.

Confused, his mother calls her husband...

"Pa, Billy Bob has done a DNA test, and he might not be our son!"

"Well, he ain't," replies the husband.

She gasps, "What do you mean?!"

The husband answers, "It was your idea in the first place."

"You remember that first night in the hospital, when the baby did nothing but scream and cry?... "

"Then you asked me to change him?... "

"Well, I picked a good one I reckon."

Ha ha ha funny one ,i like this one

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher...

The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed.

The rancher was only asking to be paid the fair value of the bull...

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace at the courthouse located in the town's square.

The railroad's attorney immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court...

He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was originally asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and accepted the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success...

He tells the rancher, "You are really a country hick, old man, I sure put one over on you in there... "

"You see, I couldn't have won the case."

"The engineer was asleep, and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning... "

"I didn't have one witness to put on the stand."

"I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself... "

"Cuz that darned bull came home this morning."

During a recent physical examination, Dave's doctor asked him about his physical activity level...

He described a typical day: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five-hour walk through some pretty rough terrain... "

"I waded along the edge of a lake and pushed my way through the brush... "

"I got sand in my shoes and my eyes, and I narrowly avoided standing on a snake... "

"I climbed several rocky hills... "

"I had to stop several times to relieve myself behind some big trees... "

"The mental stress of it all left me shattered... "

"At the end, I drank eight beers."

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one heck of an outdoors man!"

"No," Dave replied...

"I'm just a really bad golfer."

Two guys leave the bar after a long night of drinking...

After a couple of minutes, an old man appears in the passenger window and taps lightly.

The passenger screams, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!"

The driver speeds up, but the old man's face stays in the window...

The passenger rolls his window down part way then, scared out of his wits, asks, "What do you want?"

The old man softly replies, "You got any tobacco?"

The passenger hands the old man a cigarette and yells, "Step on it!" to the driver, rolling up his window in terror.

A few minutes later they calm down and start laughing again...

The driver says, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry we're doing 80 now."

Suddenly, there is a light tapping on the window and the old man reappears...

"There he is again!" the passenger yells.

He rolls down the window and shakily asks, "Yes?"

"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks.

The passenger throws a lighter out the window, then yells, "Step on it!"

They are traveling about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they have just seen, when suddenly there is more tapping...

"Oh no! He's back!" yells the passenger.

He rolls down the window again and screams in stark terror, "what now?"

The old man softly replies...

"You want some help getting out of the mud?"

The next great advance in AI will be the ability to use AI to take AI generated content and break it back down to the command line used to generate the content.

Worker productivity has fallen at a historic pace sense AI has been made available to the public. The average employee needs three weeks to read all of the AI generated email there management sends out in a day.

I have this odd habit

When I see a pay phone I take a picture of it with my cell phone. Then I try to call myself collect.

"Doctor! Doctor!!

*momentary pause for effect, possibly comedic*

"Doctor! Doctor!"

*months latah, bcs kinda yanno*

"Doctor! Doctor!"

*final shoutout before 1st touch on Demise.*


Ain't death an' doctahs always so amoosin'?

Touchpoint syncs count for most evrythin'!

(I paraphrasin' the angels here: yanno, on the days they actschwlly workin'.)

So, yeah ... how may our surest screams forevah attract immediate an' NQA attention?

(You may wish to ask this to yusself, jus' like the angels.)

Till'n we get this fkr right, we gaht no claim ovah nowan else's whatevah.

Hey, yeah -- but this is a joke, see?

Don't nevah forgit how the best jokes delivahya to the pre-punchline stage by subtly layin' the ground for yr ultimate laughs experience.

So the horse been standin' around backa the hospital practickly chewin' its own dick off while evrywan gowin' DEATH DEATH DEATH now says, "Yeah, so I still got long face issues, guys. These things are manifestly eternal."

tbh eithah the surgeyoon blahts this wise counsel outta his fyootyoore plans at this stage or simply proceeds a la pay-per-chez-ye.

It is inevitibyool how when a horse shows up, you gaht natchrl chaos.


That is my contribyootion to the healthcare humor lexicon as a natchrl Sagittarius with the fyootyoore doctahscape in view.

tbh forgit evrythin' 'bout this lame joke, jus' return always to what the horse said.

"You got long face issues too? I mentioned this one time, and nobody stepped up to offer me the slightest spiritual or emotional support. But I see now you're exactly my type. Wanna **** against this tree?"

Doctor! Doctor!

*doctah dons cape, assooms flight stance, an' ansas call*

Doctor! Doctor!

*I left-handed an' this cape is made for a right-hander. waitamin--"

Doctor! Doctor!

*are we undahwatah now or jus' plain stabbed?*


You scream twice (mebbe more) ALWAYS -- doctah doctah -- but who you gonna get?


tbh I would want that lame hoss to mosey on by into evry possible joke narrative rn an' remind evrywan' ...

"You got long face issues too? I mentioned this one time, and nobody stepped up to offer me the slightest spiritual or emotional support. But I see now you're exactly my type. Wanna **** against this tree?"

This is like the funniest joke I heard in the past ten minutes, tellya.

Bcs that horse is ALWAYS there, whenevah you wish its ass to amyoozinly show, yanno.

Any day.

Any moment.

But speshly at funerals.

Lemme run that punchline pastya again ...

"You got long face issues too? I mentioned this one time, and nobody stepped up to offer me the slightest spiritual or emotional support. But I see now you're exactly my type. Wanna **** against this tree? These things are manifestly eternal."

One sunny day in Ireland, Paddy is sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness...

While looking around the pub, he thinks, "Wow! That man over there looks just like me!"

"I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him."

So, he walks over to the man and taps him on the shoulder...

"Excuse me sir," he begins, "but I noticed you look just like me!"

The man turns around and says, "Yeah, I noticed the same thing. Where are you from?"

"I'm from Dublin," Paddy replies.

"Me too!" says the man, "What street do you live on?"

"McCarthy street," replies Paddy.

"Me too! What number is it?" the man asks.

"162" Paddy replies.

"Me too! What are your parents' names?" asks the man.

"Connor and Shannon," answers Paddy.

The man, almost dumbfounded says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!"

So, they buy some more Guinness and continue talking some more.

When the bartenders change shifts, the new bartender asks the other bartender, "So, what's new today?"

"Oh, nothing much," the other bartender replies...

The Murphy twins are drunk again as usual.

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park...

until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them...

"That I'm going to give you a special gift... "

"I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want."

And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two handsome figures approached each other, a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes...

from where shortly there could be heard a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.

Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes with wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great, Only this time... "

"you hold the pigeon down, and I'll do my business on its head!"

A Polish man marries an American girl, and though his English isn't very good, they get along very well...

One day he rushes into a lawyer's office and asks him to arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer says that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asks him the following questions...

"Have you any grounds?"

"Yes, an acre and half and nice little home."

"No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It made of concrete."

"I don't think you understand... "

"Does either of you have a real grudge?"

"No, we have carport, and not need one."

"I mean what are your relations like?"

"All my relations still in Poland."

"Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player."

"Does your wife beat you up?"

"No, I always up before her."

"Why do you want this divorce?"

"She going to kill me."

"What makes you think that?"

"I got proof."

"What kind of proof?"

"She going to poison me... "

"She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom."

"I can read English pretty good, and it say... "

"POLISH REMOVER."

Two doctahs walk inta a bar.

Sign says: DRINKS ARE FREE, BUT ONLY ONE OF YOU WILL LEAVE THIS PLACE ALIVE, WHETHAH YOU PURCHASE OR NAHT.

Could be the final frickin' straw for their impossibly aboosed Netflix account, tellya.

It is late at night and a man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road...

He has been driving for over an hour without seeing another car.

Suddenly, he sees a pair of headlights coming his way...

As they get closer, he notices the car is beginning to slow down.

Curious, the man slows down also...

As the two cars pass each other, the man notices that it's his ex-girlfriend in the other car.

She leans out of her window and yells, "PIG!"

The man, infuriated, immediately leans out of his window and yells, "WITCH!"

Then, they each continue their way.

Moments later, as the man is rounding the next corner, he crashes...

Into a pig standing in the road.

These jokes hahaha some of them are straight cheese, others actually got me laughing to myself

Very Funny

Three friends, a Rabbi, a Hindu holy man and a lawyer, had car trouble in the countryside, and asked to spend the night with a farmer...

The farmer said, "There might be a problem... "

"you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."

"No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years... "

"I'm humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening in their memory."

With that, he departed to the barn, and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later, a knock was heard at the door...

the farmer opened the door.

There stood the Rabbi, from the barn.

"What's wrong?" asked the farmer.

He replied, "I am grateful to you, good sir, but I cannot sleep in the barn."

"There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."

His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him.

But a few minutes later, the same scene reoccurred.

There was a knock on the door...

"What's wrong now?" the farmer asked.

The Hindu holy man replied, "I too am grateful for your helping us out... "

"but there is a cow in the barn, and in my country, cows are considered sacred."

"I can't sleep on holy ground!"

Well, that left only the lawyer to make the change.

He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn.

Moments later, there was another knock on the farmer's door...

Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door and there stood...

The pig and the cow.

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day.

"In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative.

But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."

A voice from the back of the room said, "Yeah, right."

Billy Bob had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition...

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they had each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So, when Billy Bob's 18th birthday comes around, he and his pal Bubba, take a boat out to the middle of the lake...

Billy Bob steps out of the boat and nearly drowns!

Bubba just barely manages to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Billy Bob goes to see his grandmother...

"Granny," he asks, "It's my 18th birthday, so why cain't I walk 'cross the lake like pappy, grandpappy, and great-grandpappy?"

His granny replies, "Cuz you was born in August."

"But your pappy, grandpappy, and great-grandpappy were all born in December... "

"When the lake is frozen."

One evening, a family takes their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home, hoping she will be well cared for...

The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast...

Then set her in a chair near a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems okay, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair...

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again, she seems okay, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side...

The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.

This goes on all morning...

Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.

"So, Ma, how is it here?"

"Are they treating you alright?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies...

"Except they won't let you fart."

A scientist has worked away in obscurity for years with experiments on spiders...

After many years of observation, he places an advertisement in several academic journals...

Letting the community know he is ready to host a live show to demonstrate his findings.

Hundreds come to the event, more out of curiosity than anything else, since details of his findings have been kept secret.

The scientist takes the stage and says, "Today I will demonstrate two things... "

"First, spiders can understand and respond to basic commands."

The crowd laughs and heckles.

Undeterred, he opens a box on his desk and a spider crawls out...

"Spider, walk left," the scientist says.

The spider moves to its left...

The crowd is silent.

He then commands, "Spider, move right."

The spider moves right...

The crowd gasps.

Forward, backward, the spider responds again and again...

The crowd applauds in awe.

The scientist then removes all the spider's legs...

The crowd, confused by this, watches in silence.

"Move left," says the scientist.

The spider doesn't move...

"Move right."

Still, nothing...

Forward, backward, no response.

"This is to demonstrate my second finding," states the scientist proudly.

"Once you remove a spider's legs... "

"It goes deaf."

One day, a mom is out shopping, and dad is in charge of their three-year-old daughter, Sally...

Someone gave Sally a little tea set as a birthday gift, and it's one of her favorite toys.

Daddy is in the living room engrossed in the evening news...

When Sally brings Daddy a little cup of "tea," which was really just water.

After several cups of "tea" and lots of praise for such yummy tea from Daddy, Mom comes home...

Dad makes her wait in the living room to watch Sally bring him a cup of tea, because it was "just the cutest thing!"

Mom waits, and sure enough, Sally comes down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy...

She watches him drink it up and then says to him, "Did it ever occur to you... "

"That the only place Sally can reach to get water... "

Upon reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him...

As the man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee, the parrot squawks, "And why don't you get me a whisky, @#%!"

The stewardess, flustered by the parrot's outburst, brings back a whisky for the parrot...

but inadvertently forgets the man's cup of coffee.

As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot downs his drink and shouts...

"And get me another whisky, you ugly @#%!"

Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot's whisky, but still no coffee for the man.

Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that he is going to try the parrot's approach...

"I've asked you twice for a cup of coffee @#%!... "

"I expect you to get it for me right now, so I don't have to see that disgustingly, hideous face of yours anymore!"

The next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

Plunging downwards to the ground, the parrot turns to the man and says...

"For someone who can't fly, you sure are a lippy @#%!"

This seems to be a joke thread

Good one sir

"Oh, No!" Tom gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him...

Never in his 40 years had he seen anything like it. How could have anyone survived?

Tom could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son...

Only the slim hope of finding Alex kept him from turning and fleeing the scene.

He took a deep breath and proceeded...

Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path.

He moved ahead slowly.

"Alex! Alex!" he cried out...

He tripped and almost fell several times.

He heard someone, or something, move...

At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did.

He shook his head and felt his gut tighten...

He couldn't understand how this could have happened.

There was some light but not enough to see very much.

Something cold and wet brushed against his hand...

He jerked it away.

In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "Alex!"

From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son...

"Yes, Dad," he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.

His father cried out...

"It's time to get up and get ready for school!... "

"And, for goodness' sake, clean up this room!"

I CHILD PROFEED THE HOUSE BUT

THE KIDS STILL GET IN

A redneck is hiking through the woods with two Native Americans...

As they come across a cave, one of the Natives yells, "Whoop! Whoop!"

Another voice calls from the cave, "Whoop! Whoop!"

The Native then strips out of his clothes and runs into the cave...

"What was that all about?" asks the redneck.

The other Native explains, "It's our mating ritual... "

"A woman who is ready to mate will wait in a cave."

"If we come across a cave, we yell inside... "

"If we hear a call back, we know we can go in and mate with her."

A few minutes later, they come across another cave...

The remaining Native yells, "Whoop! Whoop!"

Another voice calls from the cave, "Whoop! Whoop!"

Without hesitation, the second Native takes off his clothes and runs inside.

Now all alone, the redneck continues on his way...

Eventually, he comes across a very large cave.

"There must be a large, beautiful woman in there!" he thinks to himself.

"Whoop! Whoop!" he calls out.

A very loud "WHOOOOP! WHOOOOOP!" comes from the cave.

"Wow, she's got a voice," he thinks, "Sounds like she's larger and beautifuler than I imagined!"

He strips off his clothes and runs into the cave.

The next day, the headline in the local newspaper reads:...

"NAKED REDNECK RUN OVER BY TRAIN."

A man and his wife are pulled over by a police officer...

The officer walks up to the man's window and says, "Sir you were going 60 in a 45."

The man says, "I was only going 55!"

His wife hits him in the arm and says, "No, you were going 65."

He gives her a very dirty look...

The officer continues, "I'm also going to have to give you a ticket for a broken taillight."

The man says, "Broken taillight? I had no idea."

His wife hits him in the arm again and says, "What? I've been telling you to get it fixed for weeks."

The man yells, "Will you be quiet?"

The officer looks at his wife and asks, "Ma'am, does he always talk to you that way?"

The man's wife shrugs and says...

"Only when he drinks."

Three house pets, a golden retriever, a parakeet, and a cat, all die and go to heaven...

As with all the good animals, God decides to have a personal discussion with each one to see where they will stay in heaven.

God turns to the dog and says, "The Book of Life indicates that you have been a very good boy... "

"But, tell me, in your own words, what are your ultimate principles, what do you believe in?"

The dog says, "I believe in loyalty, companionship, and love... "

"I have been a cherished part of my owner's family for many years."

God smiles and says, "Truly, you have a pure and loving heart... "

"You shall sit at my right hand."

He then turns to the parakeet and asks, "What do you believe in?"

"I believe in color, flamboyance, and music," the parakeet replies...

"For many years, I have displayed my beautiful feathers, and filled my owner's house with song."

"Your beauty is truly magnificent," God says, "And your song shall echo through the universe... "

"You shall sit at my left."

God finally turns to the house cat, and asks, "And you, majestic little predator, what do you believe in?"

The cat lazily surveys God's throne, and says...

"I believe you are in my seat."

A guy walks into a bar and sits down...

He starts dialing numbers and talking into his hand, as if he was using a telephone.

The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood, and he doesn't need any trouble here.

The guy says, "You don't understand, I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying a phone."

The bartender says, "Oh yeah? Prove it."

The guy dials a number on his hand and holds it to the bartender's ear...

The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation.

"That's incredible," says the bartender, "I would have never believed it!"

"Yeah," says the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it... "

"By the way, where is the men's room?"

The bartender directs him to the men's restroom.

20 minutes pass and the guy has not returned to the bar...

Fearing the worst, given the neighborhood, the bartender goes to the men's room to check on him.

As he enters, he sees the guy spread-eagle against the wall...

His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his rear end.

"Oh my gosh!" says the bartender, "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"

The guy turns and says, "No, I'm ok... "

"I'm just waiting for a fax."

What's the secret to having a smoking hot body as a senior?



Cremation

Apparently a true story.

When Neil Armstrong was being interviewed in the 90's, a reporter said, aside from your "one small step for man" speech, you were also heard to say shortly after: "This one's for you Mr Duggins" What's that about?

Neil replied: When I was a boy I kicked my ball into the next door neighbor's back yard. I climbed over the fence to retrieve it. I overheard the man of the house asking his wife for a bj. She said: " You can have one when the next door neighbors son sets foot on the moon"

An elderly couple notices that they are getting more forgetful, so they decide to go to the doctor...

The doctor tells them that they should start writing things down, so they won't forget.

After the couple gets home, the old lady asks her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream...

"You might want to write it down," she says.

The husband replies, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream."

She then asks her husband to put some whipped cream on it...

"Write it down," she tells him.

Again, he says, "No, I can remember. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream."

The old lady adds that she would like a cherry on top...

"Write it down," she tells her husband.

And again, he says, "No, I've got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top."

About 30 minutes later, the old man returns from the kitchen...

He hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

The wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband, shakes her head in disgust, and asks...

"Where's the toast?"

The captain calls the sergeant into his office...

"Sergeant, I just received a telegram that Private Jones' mother passed away yesterday."

"You'd better go tell him, and then send him in to see me."

So, the sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all his troops...

"Listen up, men!" says the sergeant.

"Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP... "

"Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers... "

"The rest of you men report to the motor pool for maintenance."

"Oh, by the way Jones, your mother died, report to the captain."

Later that day the captain calls the sergeant into his office...

"Hey Sergeant, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died."

"Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answers the sergeant.

A few months later, the captain calls the sergeant in again...

"Sergeant, I just received a telegram that Private McGrath's mother passed away, " says the captain.

"You'd better go tell him, then send him in to see me."

"This time be more tactful."

So, the sergeant calls for his morning formation...

"OK men, fall in and listen up!"

"Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward... "

"NOT SO FAST, McGrath!"

As for old couple jokes.

A young man was was in the home of a couple who had been married 60 years.

After an hour of listening to the couple talk he had taken note of hearing the elderly man cal his wife " hunny" " sweetheart " "pumpkin " my love " and several other pet names.

When the woman left the room for a few minutes the young man mentioned to the elderly man. " it's amazing that after 60 years of marriage you still have so many sweet pet names for your wife "

The old man leans closer to the young man and says " truth is I forgot her name three years ago and she hasn't caught on yet "

Here is a short one.

How do you get a room full of elderly women to start cussing and throwing things.

Yell "BINGO "

Little Johnny was looking out of the plane's window enjoying the experience of his first flight.

Deep in thought he suddenly turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

Well his mother was a little perturbed by this question and she struggled to think of an answer, so she said, "Johnny why don't you ask the flight attendant?"

Little Johnny was not a child lacking in confidence, so he walked down the aisle and politely said to the flight attendant, "Excuse me, mam, if big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant had heard it all before of course but she smiled sweetly at Johnny and then asked, "Did your mom tell you to ask me that?"

Little Johnny returned her smile and said, "Yes mam, she did."

"Well", said the flight attendant, "you can tell your mom that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mom to explain that to you

lol) thats funny

An elderly woman is riding in an elevator, on her way to a doctor's appointment...

Suddenly, the elevator stops, and a beautiful young woman smelling of expensive perfume steps in...

She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

On the next floor, another young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator...

She also smells of expensive perfume.

She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator.

Before she leaves, she looks back at the women...

Passes gas...

And says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound!"

hahaha so the doctor smelled her farts during her first visit

A police officer attempted to stop a speeding car. When she got behind the vehicle the driver continue d driving.

When she pulled her car next to the car the male driver looked over then looked visible relieved as he pulled his car over.

When the cop got back to the mans car. The man yelled out his window. " I'm so glad to see you officer. My wife ran off with a police Man a few days ago and I thought you might have been trying to bring her back.

All I know is, gimme a slob knocker at ruttin' season.

"Doctah! Doctah! I cain't walk straight ... "

good job for us.

Yesterday I was talking to a friend and she mentioned that she doesn't think she could deal with being disabled.

I told her" you you are a very strong independent woman as long as you could take care of yourself and still help others. You would be fine"

She nodded her head and said " yes see you understand me"

I responded." Yes but there is one thing you couldn't live with my friend."

After waiting a few moments " now if you lost the ability to speak'

Ken, your first joke...........Very good. Very funny.

An old farmer gets pulled over by a state trooper...

The officer lectures him on how irresponsible it is to be speeding and does everything he can to get the farmer off-balance.

While the trooper is filling out a form, he keeps swatting at a swarm of flies around him...

The farmer asks, "Having trouble with them circle flies, officer?"

The trooper replies, "Yeah - why do you call them circle flies?"

The farmer says, "Well, they're usually seen circling round the back end of horses."

"Ah, I see," the trooper replies.

After a minute, the trooper looks up from his paperwork and says indignantly...

"Wait a minute... "

"Are you calling me a horse's ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no officer, I've got too much respect for the police to do that."

"Good." the trooper says.

The farmer continued...

"Hard to fool them circle flies though!"

Terry Fator goes for a puppet record.

https://1funny.com/we-are-the-world-a-puppet-tribute/

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.
Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire.

We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

Haha, that's a classic joke!