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Betty was a little old lady, who was always cheerful and quite happy with her life...

but lately she had started having a bit of a problem.

One day, she goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much."

"My farts never smell and are always silent."

The doctor replies, "Is that so?"

Betty continues, "Yes, as a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office."

"You didn't know I was farting, because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see... "

"Take these pills and come back to see me next week."

Betty goes home and takes her pills as prescribed, and suddenly she starts seeing some big changes in her everyday life.

The next week, Betty goes back to the doctor...

"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly."

The doctor nods and says, "Good... "

"Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
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  • Profile picture of the author MyeshaE
    Ha Ha, there are no emojis to express.
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  • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
    Redneck Ray is sitting at a bar in Houston, silently nursing a beer.

    Suddenly, a big burly man walks in and slaps Ray so hard that he falls off of his stool...

    "That was a karate chop from Korea," says the big man proudly.

    Ray sighs, gets up, brushes the dust off his clothes, and then sits down on the stool and continues to drink his beer.

    Suddenly he gets hit so hard that he flies into the wall...

    "That was a kung-fu chop from China," chuckles the big man.

    At this point, Ray has had enough...

    He gets up, brushes off the dust and calmly leaves the bar.

    After about an hour Ray returns, walks up behind the big guy...

    And whacks him so hard behind his ear that he blacks out.

    Ray looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, why don't you tell him... "

    "That was a shovel from the hardware store in Houston."
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  • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
    A man comes home from an exhausting day at work...

    He plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."

    The wife sighs and gets him a beer...

    Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."

    She looks cross, but fetches another beer, and slams it down next to him...

    He finishes that beer, and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

    The wife is furious!...

    She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight?!"

    "Drink beer and sit in front of that TV?!"

    "You're nothing but a lazy drunken fat slob, and furthermore... "

    The man sighs and thinks to himself...

    "Uhhhg, It's started."
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  • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
    A guy goes into a bar with his dog, and asks for a drink...

    Instantly, the bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here!"

    The guy replies, "This is my seeing-eye dog."

    "Oh, I'm sorry sir," says the bartender, feeling bad...

    "Here, the first one is on me."

    The man takes his drink, then goes to a table near the door.

    Another guy walks into the bar with a dog...

    The first guy stops him and says, "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell the bartender it's a seeing-eye dog."

    The guy thanks him, continues to the bar, and asks for a drink.

    The bartender yells, "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

    The guy replies, "This is my seeing-eye dog."

    The bartender says, "No, I don't think so... "

    "They don't use Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs."

    The man pauses for a moment, then says, "What?!... "

    "They gave me a freak'in Chihuahua?
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  • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
    This one is a little different. Frankly, I must be really on the slow side today (well every day) because I'm not sure if I got any one of these 3 jokes. Let me know if you did.

    Two seeing eye dogs are walking down the street when they come to a crosswalk. The first dog stops and waits for the light to change, but the second dog just keeps walking. The first dog says, "Hey, where are you going?" The second dog says, "I'm a seeing eye dog, not a waiting eye dog!
    =================================================

    Two seeing eye dogs are walking down the street when they come to a crosswalk. The first dog says to the second, "I'm going to go first. You follow me."

    The second dog says, "But I can't see."

    The first dog says, "That's okay. I'll lead you."

    So the first dog starts to walk across the street, and the second dog follows close behind. Just as they're about to reach the other side, a car comes speeding around the corner. The first dog sees the car and jumps out of the way, but the second dog doesn't see it and gets hit.

    The first dog runs over to the second dog and says, "Are you okay?"

    The second dog says, "I don't know. I can't see."

    The first dog says, "That's okay. I'll lead you home."

    And so the first dog led the second dog home, and they lived happily ever after.
    =================================

    Two seeing eye dogs are walking down the street when they come to a busy intersection. The first dog stops and looks both ways, then starts to cross the street. The second dog stops and looks both ways, then starts to cross the street in the opposite direction.

    The first dog stops and says, "Hey, where are you going?"

    The second dog says, "I'm going to the other side."

    The first dog says, "But we're already on the other side."

    The second dog says, "I know, but I'm not blind."
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  • Profile picture of the author Kay King
    honest opinion? All three sound like they were written by someone trying desperately to be funny (and failing)....who has perhaps resided too long in mom's basement.
    Signature
    Saving one dog will not change the world - but the world changes forever for that one dog
    ***
    If liar's pants really did catch on fire, watching the news would be a lot more fun.
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  • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
    One day, a man stops at a fast-food restaurant for lunch...

    After receiving his order, he sits down next to an elderly couple.

    He notices they have ordered just one meal between them...

    As he watches, the older gentleman carefully divides the hamburger in half, then counts out the fries until each has half of them.

    The old man then begins to eat, as his wife sits watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

    The young man decides to ask if they would let him buy another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

    The old gentleman says, "Oh, no... "

    "We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been, and will always be, shared fifty-fifty."

    The young man then asks the wife if she was going to eat...

    to which she replies, "Not yet young man... "

    "It's his turn to use the teeth."
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  • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
    A cowboy rides up to a Saloon, goes inside and orders a drink...

    He almost has the glass of whiskey to his lips, when a guy comes running up to the door, and yells, "Hey Joe! Your house is burnin!"

    The man leaps up, runs out of the saloon, jumps on his horse, then thinks, "Hey, I don't have a house!"

    So, he goes back into the saloon, sits down, and raises the glass to his lips again.

    Just then a man comes running up to the door and yells, "Hey Joe! Your dad just died!"

    So again, he leaps up, runs out of the saloon, gets on his horse, and starts to head down the street.

    Then he thinks, "Wait a minute, my dad died nine years ago!"

    He goes back to the saloon, and he's just about to take a sip of his whiskey when, sure enough, another guy runs up to the door.

    "Joe! Congratulations! You've won the lottery!... "

    "There's a pile of money waiting for you down at the post office!"

    The cowboy gets up, leaps on the horse, and starts flying towards the post office.

    He is almost there when he thinks, "Hey, wait a minute... "

    "My name ain't Joe!"
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  • Profile picture of the author Kay King
    I was at the beach yesterday and saw a man in the water shouting


    "Help! Shark! Help!"


    I just laughed and kept walking - I knew the shark wasn't going to help him.
    Signature
    Saving one dog will not change the world - but the world changes forever for that one dog
    ***
    If liar's pants really did catch on fire, watching the news would be a lot more fun.
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  • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
    Billy Bob comes home from college to his redneck family, in tears...

    "Ma, am I adopted?" he asks.

    "Heck no!" replies his mother...

    "Why in tar nations would you think such a thing?"

    Billy Bob shows her his genealogy DNA test results...

    No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived on the other side of the county.

    Confused, his mother calls her husband...

    "Pa, Billy Bob has done a DNA test, and he might not be our son!"

    "Well, he ain't," replies the husband.

    She gasps, "What do you mean?!"

    The husband answers, "It was your idea in the first place."

    "You remember that first night in the hospital, when the baby did nothing but scream and cry?... "

    "Then you asked me to change him?... "

    "Well, I picked a good one I reckon."
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  • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
    A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher...

    The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed.

    The rancher was only asking to be paid the fair value of the bull...

    The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace at the courthouse located in the town's square.

    The railroad's attorney immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court...

    He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was originally asking.

    After the rancher had signed the release and accepted the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success...

    He tells the rancher, "You are really a country hick, old man, I sure put one over on you in there... "

    "You see, I couldn't have won the case."

    "The engineer was asleep, and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning... "

    "I didn't have one witness to put on the stand."

    "I bluffed you!"

    The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself... "

    "Cuz that darned bull came home this morning."
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  • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
    During a recent physical examination, Dave's doctor asked him about his physical activity level...

    He described a typical day: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five-hour walk through some pretty rough terrain... "

    "I waded along the edge of a lake and pushed my way through the brush... "

    "I got sand in my shoes and my eyes, and I narrowly avoided standing on a snake... "

    "I climbed several rocky hills... "

    "I had to stop several times to relieve myself behind some big trees... "

    "The mental stress of it all left me shattered... "

    "At the end, I drank eight beers."

    Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one heck of an outdoors man!"

    "No," Dave replied...

    "I'm just a really bad golfer."
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  • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
    Two guys leave the bar after a long night of drinking...

    After a couple of minutes, an old man appears in the passenger window and taps lightly.

    The passenger screams, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!"

    The driver speeds up, but the old man's face stays in the window...

    The passenger rolls his window down part way then, scared out of his wits, asks, "What do you want?"

    The old man softly replies, "You got any tobacco?"

    The passenger hands the old man a cigarette and yells, "Step on it!" to the driver, rolling up his window in terror.

    A few minutes later they calm down and start laughing again...

    The driver says, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry we're doing 80 now."

    Suddenly, there is a light tapping on the window and the old man reappears...

    "There he is again!" the passenger yells.

    He rolls down the window and shakily asks, "Yes?"

    "Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks.

    The passenger throws a lighter out the window, then yells, "Step on it!"

    They are traveling about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they have just seen, when suddenly there is more tapping...

    "Oh no! He's back!" yells the passenger.

    He rolls down the window again and screams in stark terror, "what now?"

    The old man softly replies...

    "You want some help getting out of the mud?"
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    • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
      Originally Posted by Ken Leatherman View Post

      Two guys leave the bar after a long night of drinking...

      After a couple of minutes, an old man appears in the passenger window and taps lightly.

      The passenger screams, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!"

      The driver speeds up, but the old man's face stays in the window...

      The passenger rolls his window down part way then, scared out of his wits, asks, "What do you want?"

      The old man softly replies, "You got any tobacco?"

      The passenger hands the old man a cigarette and yells, "Step on it!" to the driver, rolling up his window in terror.

      A few minutes later they calm down and start laughing again...

      The driver says, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry we're doing 80 now."

      Suddenly, there is a light tapping on the window and the old man reappears...

      "There he is again!" the passenger yells.

      He rolls down the window and shakily asks, "Yes?"

      "Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks.

      The passenger throws a lighter out the window, then yells, "Step on it!"

      They are traveling about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they have just seen, when suddenly there is more tapping...

      "Oh no! He's back!" yells the passenger.

      He rolls down the window again and screams in stark terror, "what now?"

      The old man softly replies...

      "You want some help getting out of the mud?"
      Congratulations, your worst yet. Your best was the one about the old couple in Mc Donalds sharing everything.
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  • Profile picture of the author Odahh
    The next great advance in AI will be the ability to use AI to take AI generated content and break it back down to the command line used to generate the content.

    Worker productivity has fallen at a historic pace sense AI has been made available to the public. The average employee needs three weeks to read all of the AI generated email there management sends out in a day.
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  • Profile picture of the author Odahh
    I have this odd habit

    When I see a pay phone I take a picture of it with my cell phone. Then I try to call myself collect.
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  • "Doctor! Doctor!!

    *momentary pause for effect, possibly comedic*

    "Doctor! Doctor!"

    *months latah, bcs kinda yanno*

    "Doctor! Doctor!"

    *final shoutout before 1st touch on Demise.*


    Ain't death an' doctahs always so amoosin'?

    Touchpoint syncs count for most evrythin'!

    (I paraphrasin' the angels here: yanno, on the days they actschwlly workin'.)

    So, yeah ... how may our surest screams forevah attract immediate an' NQA attention?

    (You may wish to ask this to yusself, jus' like the angels.)

    Till'n we get this fkr right, we gaht no claim ovah nowan else's whatevah.

    Hey, yeah -- but this is a joke, see?

    Don't nevah forgit how the best jokes delivahya to the pre-punchline stage by subtly layin' the ground for yr ultimate laughs experience.

    So the horse been standin' around backa the hospital practickly chewin' its own dick off while evrywan gowin' DEATH DEATH DEATH now says, "Yeah, so I still got long face issues, guys. These things are manifestly eternal."

    tbh eithah the surgeyoon blahts this wise counsel outta his fyootyoore plans at this stage or simply proceeds a la pay-per-chez-ye.

    It is inevitibyool how when a horse shows up, you gaht natchrl chaos.


    That is my contribyootion to the healthcare humor lexicon as a natchrl Sagittarius with the fyootyoore doctahscape in view.

    tbh forgit evrythin' 'bout this lame joke, jus' return always to what the horse said.

    "You got long face issues too? I mentioned this one time, and nobody stepped up to offer me the slightest spiritual or emotional support. But I see now you're exactly my type. Wanna **** against this tree?"

    Doctor! Doctor!

    *doctah dons cape, assooms flight stance, an' ansas call*

    Doctor! Doctor!

    *I left-handed an' this cape is made for a right-hander. waitamin--"

    Doctor! Doctor!

    *are we undahwatah now or jus' plain stabbed?*


    You scream twice (mebbe more) ALWAYS -- doctah doctah -- but who you gonna get?


    tbh I would want that lame hoss to mosey on by into evry possible joke narrative rn an' remind evrywan' ...

    "You got long face issues too? I mentioned this one time, and nobody stepped up to offer me the slightest spiritual or emotional support. But I see now you're exactly my type. Wanna **** against this tree?"

    This is like the funniest joke I heard in the past ten minutes, tellya.


    Bcs that horse is ALWAYS there, whenevah you wish its ass to amyoozinly show, yanno.

    Any day.

    Any moment.

    But speshly at funerals.

    Lemme run that punchline pastya again ...

    "You got long face issues too? I mentioned this one time, and nobody stepped up to offer me the slightest spiritual or emotional support. But I see now you're exactly my type. Wanna **** against this tree? These things are manifestly eternal."
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  • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
    One sunny day in Ireland, Paddy is sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness...

    While looking around the pub, he thinks, "Wow! That man over there looks just like me!"

    "I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him."

    So, he walks over to the man and taps him on the shoulder...

    "Excuse me sir," he begins, "but I noticed you look just like me!"

    The man turns around and says, "Yeah, I noticed the same thing. Where are you from?"

    "I'm from Dublin," Paddy replies.

    "Me too!" says the man, "What street do you live on?"

    "McCarthy street," replies Paddy.

    "Me too! What number is it?" the man asks.

    "162" Paddy replies.

    "Me too! What are your parents' names?" asks the man.

    "Connor and Shannon," answers Paddy.

    The man, almost dumbfounded says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!"

    So, they buy some more Guinness and continue talking some more.

    When the bartenders change shifts, the new bartender asks the other bartender, "So, what's new today?"

    "Oh, nothing much," the other bartender replies...

    The Murphy twins are drunk again as usual.
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  • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
    For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park...

    until one day an angel came down from heaven.

    "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them...

    "That I'm going to give you a special gift... "

    "I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want."

    And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

    The two handsome figures approached each other, a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes...

    from where shortly there could be heard a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.

    Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes with wide grins on their faces.

    "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

    Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great, Only this time... "

    "you hold the pigeon down, and I'll do my business on its head!"
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  • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
    A Polish man marries an American girl, and though his English isn't very good, they get along very well...

    One day he rushes into a lawyer's office and asks him to arrange a divorce for him.

    The lawyer says that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asks him the following questions...

    "Have you any grounds?"

    "Yes, an acre and half and nice little home."

    "No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

    "It made of concrete."

    "I don't think you understand... "

    "Does either of you have a real grudge?"

    "No, we have carport, and not need one."

    "I mean what are your relations like?"

    "All my relations still in Poland."

    "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

    "We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player."

    "Does your wife beat you up?"

    "No, I always up before her."

    "Why do you want this divorce?"

    "She going to kill me."

    "What makes you think that?"

    "I got proof."

    "What kind of proof?"

    "She going to poison me... "

    "She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom."

    "I can read English pretty good, and it say... "

    "POLISH REMOVER."
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    • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
      Originally Posted by Ken Leatherman View Post

      A Polish man marries an American girl, and though his English isn't very good, they get along very well...

      One day he rushes into a lawyer's office and asks him to arrange a divorce for him.

      The lawyer says that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asks him the following questions...

      "Have you any grounds?"

      "Yes, an acre and half and nice little home."

      "No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

      "It made of concrete."

      "I don't think you understand... "

      "Does either of you have a real grudge?"

      "No, we have carport, and not need one."

      "I mean what are your relations like?"

      "All my relations still in Poland."

      "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

      "We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player."

      "Does your wife beat you up?"

      "No, I always up before her."

      "Why do you want this divorce?"

      "She going to kill me."

      "What makes you think that?"

      "I got proof."

      "What kind of proof?"

      "She going to poison me... "

      "She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom."

      "I can read English pretty good, and it say... "

      "POLISH REMOVER."
      No Ken, just no. And the one before showed such great promise. Poles apart.
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      • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
        Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

        No Ken, just no. And the one before showed such great promise. Poles apart.
        OMG! "Poles apart". That is so wrong.
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  • Two doctahs walk inta a bar.

    Sign says: DRINKS ARE FREE, BUT ONLY ONE OF YOU WILL LEAVE THIS PLACE ALIVE, WHETHAH YOU PURCHASE OR NAHT.

    Could be the final frickin' straw for their impossibly aboosed Netflix account, tellya.
    Signature

    Lightin' fuses is for blowin' stuff togethah.

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  • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
    It is late at night and a man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road...

    He has been driving for over an hour without seeing another car.

    Suddenly, he sees a pair of headlights coming his way...

    As they get closer, he notices the car is beginning to slow down.

    Curious, the man slows down also...

    As the two cars pass each other, the man notices that it's his ex-girlfriend in the other car.

    She leans out of her window and yells, "PIG!"

    The man, infuriated, immediately leans out of his window and yells, "WITCH!"

    Then, they each continue their way.

    Moments later, as the man is rounding the next corner, he crashes...

    Into a pig standing in the road.
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    • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
      Originally Posted by Ken Leatherman View Post

      It is late at night and a man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road...

      He has been driving for over an hour without seeing another car.

      Suddenly, he sees a pair of headlights coming his way...

      As they get closer, he notices the car is beginning to slow down.

      Curious, the man slows down also...

      As the two cars pass each other, the man notices that it's his ex-girlfriend in the other car.

      She leans out of her window and yells, "PIG!"

      The man, infuriated, immediately leans out of his window and yells, "WITCH!"

      Then, they each continue their way.

      Moments later, as the man is rounding the next corner, he crashes...

      Into a pig standing in the road.
      He should have been able to avoid it as there was a pork in the road.
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      • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
        Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

        He should have been able to avoid it as there was a pork in the road.
        hmmmmmmmmmm! or rather stinkerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
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  • Profile picture of the author RMRC
    These jokes hahaha some of them are straight cheese, others actually got me laughing to myself
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  • Profile picture of the author avalonbus
    Very Funny
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  • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
    Three friends, a Rabbi, a Hindu holy man and a lawyer, had car trouble in the countryside, and asked to spend the night with a farmer...

    The farmer said, "There might be a problem... "

    "you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."

    "No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years... "

    "I'm humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening in their memory."

    With that, he departed to the barn, and the others bedded down for the night.

    Moments later, a knock was heard at the door...

    the farmer opened the door.

    There stood the Rabbi, from the barn.

    "What's wrong?" asked the farmer.

    He replied, "I am grateful to you, good sir, but I cannot sleep in the barn."

    "There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."

    His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him.

    But a few minutes later, the same scene reoccurred.

    There was a knock on the door...

    "What's wrong now?" the farmer asked.

    The Hindu holy man replied, "I too am grateful for your helping us out... "

    "but there is a cow in the barn, and in my country, cows are considered sacred."

    "I can't sleep on holy ground!"

    Well, that left only the lawyer to make the change.

    He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn.

    Moments later, there was another knock on the farmer's door...

    Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door and there stood...

    The pig and the cow.
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  • Profile picture of the author RMRC
    An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day.

    "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative.

    But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."

    A voice from the back of the room said, "Yeah, right."
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    • Originally Posted by RMRC View Post

      An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day.

      "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative.

      But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."

      A voice from the back of the room said, "Yeah, right."
      Is there a hierarchy of double positives?

      Gotta hope so ...

      "Doctor! Doctor! So ... you're sayin' there's NOTHING CAN BE DONE TO SAVE MY LIFE?"

      "Yeah. Right."

      "But I'm an MIT linguistics professor! I have so much more to give! Surely there must be something you can do!"

      "Right, yeah."
      Signature

      Lightin' fuses is for blowin' stuff togethah.

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  • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
    Billy Bob had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition...

    It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

    On that special day, they had each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

    So, when Billy Bob's 18th birthday comes around, he and his pal Bubba, take a boat out to the middle of the lake...

    Billy Bob steps out of the boat and nearly drowns!

    Bubba just barely manages to pull him to safety.

    Furious and confused, Billy Bob goes to see his grandmother...

    "Granny," he asks, "It's my 18th birthday, so why cain't I walk 'cross the lake like pappy, grandpappy, and great-grandpappy?"

    His granny replies, "Cuz you was born in August."

    "But your pappy, grandpappy, and great-grandpappy were all born in December... "

    "When the lake is frozen."
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  • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
    One evening, a family takes their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home, hoping she will be well cared for...

    The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast...

    Then set her in a chair near a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

    She seems okay, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair...

    Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

    Again, she seems okay, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side...

    The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.

    This goes on all morning...

    Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.

    "So, Ma, how is it here?"

    "Are they treating you alright?" they ask.

    "It's pretty nice," she replies...

    "Except they won't let you fart."
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  • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
    A scientist has worked away in obscurity for years with experiments on spiders...

    After many years of observation, he places an advertisement in several academic journals...

    Letting the community know he is ready to host a live show to demonstrate his findings.

    Hundreds come to the event, more out of curiosity than anything else, since details of his findings have been kept secret.

    The scientist takes the stage and says, "Today I will demonstrate two things... "

    "First, spiders can understand and respond to basic commands."

    The crowd laughs and heckles.

    Undeterred, he opens a box on his desk and a spider crawls out...

    "Spider, walk left," the scientist says.

    The spider moves to its left...

    The crowd is silent.

    He then commands, "Spider, move right."

    The spider moves right...

    The crowd gasps.

    Forward, backward, the spider responds again and again...

    The crowd applauds in awe.

    The scientist then removes all the spider's legs...

    The crowd, confused by this, watches in silence.

    "Move left," says the scientist.

    The spider doesn't move...

    "Move right."

    Still, nothing...

    Forward, backward, no response.

    "This is to demonstrate my second finding," states the scientist proudly.

    "Once you remove a spider's legs... "

    "It goes deaf."
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  • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
    One day, a mom is out shopping, and dad is in charge of their three-year-old daughter, Sally...

    Someone gave Sally a little tea set as a birthday gift, and it's one of her favorite toys.

    Daddy is in the living room engrossed in the evening news...

    When Sally brings Daddy a little cup of "tea," which was really just water.

    After several cups of "tea" and lots of praise for such yummy tea from Daddy, Mom comes home...

    Dad makes her wait in the living room to watch Sally bring him a cup of tea, because it was "just the cutest thing!"

    Mom waits, and sure enough, Sally comes down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy...

    She watches him drink it up and then says to him, "Did it ever occur to you... "

    "That the only place Sally can reach to get water... "
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  • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
    Upon reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him...

    As the man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee, the parrot squawks, "And why don't you get me a whisky, @#%!"

    The stewardess, flustered by the parrot's outburst, brings back a whisky for the parrot...

    but inadvertently forgets the man's cup of coffee.

    As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot downs his drink and shouts...

    "And get me another whisky, you ugly @#%!"

    Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot's whisky, but still no coffee for the man.

    Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that he is going to try the parrot's approach...

    "I've asked you twice for a cup of coffee @#%!... "

    "I expect you to get it for me right now, so I don't have to see that disgustingly, hideous face of yours anymore!"

    The next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

    Plunging downwards to the ground, the parrot turns to the man and says...

    "For someone who can't fly, you sure are a lippy @#%!"
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  • Profile picture of the author kalki411
    This seems to be a joke thread
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    • Profile picture of the author DWolfe
      Originally Posted by kalki411 View Post

      This seems to be a joke thread
      Nope, not a joke thread these are all real-life events. ;>) BTW you are welcome to post jokes here as long as they comply with the rules.
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      • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
        Originally Posted by DWolfe View Post

        Nope, not a joke thread these are all real-life events. ;>) BTW you are welcome to post jokes here as long as they comply with the rules.
        I know that last one was a joke. You would never have Burly Stewards on a commercial flight!
        Signature

        Feel The Power Of The Mark Side

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  • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
    "Oh, No!" Tom gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him...

    Never in his 40 years had he seen anything like it. How could have anyone survived?

    Tom could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son...

    Only the slim hope of finding Alex kept him from turning and fleeing the scene.

    He took a deep breath and proceeded...

    Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path.

    He moved ahead slowly.

    "Alex! Alex!" he cried out...

    He tripped and almost fell several times.

    He heard someone, or something, move...

    At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did.

    He shook his head and felt his gut tighten...

    He couldn't understand how this could have happened.

    There was some light but not enough to see very much.

    Something cold and wet brushed against his hand...

    He jerked it away.

    In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "Alex!"

    From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son...

    "Yes, Dad," he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.

    His father cried out...

    "It's time to get up and get ready for school!... "

    "And, for goodness' sake, clean up this room!"
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  • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
    I CHILD PROFEED THE HOUSE BUT

    THE KIDS STILL GET IN
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  • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
    A redneck is hiking through the woods with two Native Americans...

    As they come across a cave, one of the Natives yells, "Whoop! Whoop!"

    Another voice calls from the cave, "Whoop! Whoop!"

    The Native then strips out of his clothes and runs into the cave...

    "What was that all about?" asks the redneck.

    The other Native explains, "It's our mating ritual... "

    "A woman who is ready to mate will wait in a cave."

    "If we come across a cave, we yell inside... "

    "If we hear a call back, we know we can go in and mate with her."

    A few minutes later, they come across another cave...

    The remaining Native yells, "Whoop! Whoop!"

    Another voice calls from the cave, "Whoop! Whoop!"

    Without hesitation, the second Native takes off his clothes and runs inside.

    Now all alone, the redneck continues on his way...

    Eventually, he comes across a very large cave.

    "There must be a large, beautiful woman in there!" he thinks to himself.

    "Whoop! Whoop!" he calls out.

    A very loud "WHOOOOP! WHOOOOOP!" comes from the cave.

    "Wow, she's got a voice," he thinks, "Sounds like she's larger and beautifuler than I imagined!"

    He strips off his clothes and runs into the cave.

    The next day, the headline in the local newspaper reads:...

    "NAKED REDNECK RUN OVER BY TRAIN."
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  • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
    A man and his wife are pulled over by a police officer...

    The officer walks up to the man's window and says, "Sir you were going 60 in a 45."

    The man says, "I was only going 55!"

    His wife hits him in the arm and says, "No, you were going 65."

    He gives her a very dirty look...

    The officer continues, "I'm also going to have to give you a ticket for a broken taillight."

    The man says, "Broken taillight? I had no idea."

    His wife hits him in the arm again and says, "What? I've been telling you to get it fixed for weeks."

    The man yells, "Will you be quiet?"

    The officer looks at his wife and asks, "Ma'am, does he always talk to you that way?"

    The man's wife shrugs and says...

    "Only when he drinks."
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  • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
    Three house pets, a golden retriever, a parakeet, and a cat, all die and go to heaven...

    As with all the good animals, God decides to have a personal discussion with each one to see where they will stay in heaven.

    God turns to the dog and says, "The Book of Life indicates that you have been a very good boy... "

    "But, tell me, in your own words, what are your ultimate principles, what do you believe in?"

    The dog says, "I believe in loyalty, companionship, and love... "

    "I have been a cherished part of my owner's family for many years."

    God smiles and says, "Truly, you have a pure and loving heart... "

    "You shall sit at my right hand."

    He then turns to the parakeet and asks, "What do you believe in?"

    "I believe in color, flamboyance, and music," the parakeet replies...

    "For many years, I have displayed my beautiful feathers, and filled my owner's house with song."

    "Your beauty is truly magnificent," God says, "And your song shall echo through the universe... "

    "You shall sit at my left."

    God finally turns to the house cat, and asks, "And you, majestic little predator, what do you believe in?"

    The cat lazily surveys God's throne, and says...

    "I believe you are in my seat."
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  • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
    A guy walks into a bar and sits down...

    He starts dialing numbers and talking into his hand, as if he was using a telephone.

    The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood, and he doesn't need any trouble here.

    The guy says, "You don't understand, I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying a phone."

    The bartender says, "Oh yeah? Prove it."

    The guy dials a number on his hand and holds it to the bartender's ear...

    The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation.

    "That's incredible," says the bartender, "I would have never believed it!"

    "Yeah," says the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it... "

    "By the way, where is the men's room?"

    The bartender directs him to the men's restroom.

    20 minutes pass and the guy has not returned to the bar...

    Fearing the worst, given the neighborhood, the bartender goes to the men's room to check on him.

    As he enters, he sees the guy spread-eagle against the wall...

    His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his rear end.

    "Oh my gosh!" says the bartender, "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"

    The guy turns and says, "No, I'm ok... "

    "I'm just waiting for a fax."
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  • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
    What's the secret to having a smoking hot body as a senior?



    Cremation
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  • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
    Apparently a true story.

    When Neil Armstrong was being interviewed in the 90's, a reporter said, aside from your "one small step for man" speech, you were also heard to say shortly after: "This one's for you Mr Duggins" What's that about?

    Neil replied: When I was a boy I kicked my ball into the next door neighbor's back yard. I climbed over the fence to retrieve it. I overheard the man of the house asking his wife for a bj. She said: " You can have one when the next door neighbors son sets foot on the moon"
    Signature

    Feel The Power Of The Mark Side

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  • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
    An elderly couple notices that they are getting more forgetful, so they decide to go to the doctor...

    The doctor tells them that they should start writing things down, so they won't forget.

    After the couple gets home, the old lady asks her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream...

    "You might want to write it down," she says.

    The husband replies, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream."

    She then asks her husband to put some whipped cream on it...

    "Write it down," she tells him.

    Again, he says, "No, I can remember. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream."

    The old lady adds that she would like a cherry on top...

    "Write it down," she tells her husband.

    And again, he says, "No, I've got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top."

    About 30 minutes later, the old man returns from the kitchen...

    He hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

    The wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband, shakes her head in disgust, and asks...

    "Where's the toast?"
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      Two race horses were sitting at a bar, having a few beers, when one turns to the other and says...

      "Jerry, something really strange happened to me at the track the other day."

      "What happened, Bill?"

      "Well, I was running a race, and I was stuck in the middle of the pack, trying to break away."

      "I thought I would lose that race, but then I saw a strange light flash from the stands."

      "I turned to looked at it and, WOOOSH!, all of a sudden I was at the front of the pack, and I ended up winning the race."

      "Holy crap", said Jerry.

      "Bill, that's exactly what happened to me only a few days ago... "

      "I was running a race, and about half way, I started to drop back."

      "I thought I was going to lose for sure, but then I saw that strange light coming from the stands."

      "You're right, Jerry, it just seemed to get brighter, and then suddenly, WOOOSH!, there I was five lengths in front, and I ended up winning the race."

      As the two race horses discussed the incident, a Race Dog sitting at a nearby stool came up to them...

      "Excuse me lads," said the Race Dog.

      "I couldn't help but over-hear your conversation, and I wanted to let you know that that very same thing happened to me about a week ago down at the track."

      "I was running a race, and struggling on the outside lane, trying to get some space, when I started to drift further back, and away from the lead."

      "I knew I was going to lose that race, but then that very strange light that you guys had just described, started pulsing from the stands."

      "Well, as you may have already guessed, WOOOSH!, there I was up at the front, and I ended up winning that race, although I've never been able to figure out exactly how."

      The two horses were awestruck...

      "Holy crap, Bill, did you just hear what I heard?!"

      "I know, I can't believe it," said Jerry...

      "Its a talking dog!"
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      Blonde Joke

      TOOTSIE WYSENGOOBEER'S DIARY
      MON: Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
      TUES: Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels. Helllloooo!!! Bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
      Trapped on escalator for hours - power went out!!!
      WED: Tried to make Kool-Aid...wrong instructions...8 cups of water won't fit in those tiny packets.
      THURS: Tried breaststroke swimming contest - learned later the other swimmers cheated - they used their arms.
      FRI: Got locked out of my car in rain storm - car swamped because soft-top was open.
      SAT: The capital of California is "C" - isn't it???
      SUN: Baked a turkey for 4 1/2 days - instructions said 1 hour per pound, and I weigh 108. Couldn't call 911 - duh! - there's no eleven button on the stupid phone!
      Whew - what a week!!
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      An old man and his wife are in bed...

      After lying silently for a few minutes, the old man farts and says, "Seven points."

      His wife rolls over and says, "What in the heck are you talking about?"

      The old man answers, "I'm playing fart football!"

      A few minutes later the wife farts and says, "Touchdown! Tie score!"

      After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown! I'm winning 14 to 7!"

      Furious about losing, the wife rips another fart and yells out, "The score is tied!"

      The pressure is on, and the old man refuses to lose.

      He strains incredibly hard, but instead of farting he accidentally poops the bed.

      The wife hears the noise and asks, "What in the world was that noise?"

      The old man replies, "That's the whistle for halftime... "

      "Switch sides!"
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      A man goes into a bar, and has a couple of beers...

      Once he is done, the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.

      "But I paid already, don't you remember?" says the customer.

      "Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did."

      The man then goes outside, and tells the first person he sees, that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not.

      The second man then rushes into the bar, orders a beer, and later pulls the same stunt...

      The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."

      Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks...

      The man hurries into the bar, and orders a beer.

      Suddenly, the bartender leans over to him and says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight... "

      "Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did... "

      "The next guy who tries that, is going to get punched right in the nose!"

      The final patron responds, "Don't bother me with your troubles... "

      "Just give me my change."
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      A local business is looking for office help...

      They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED."

      "Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual."

      "We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

      A short time afterward, a dog trots up to the window, sees the sign, and goes inside...

      He looks at the receptionist and wags his tail, then walks over to the sign, looks at it and whines.

      Getting the idea, the receptionist gets the office manager...

      The office manager looks at the dog and is surprised, to say the least.

      However, the dog looks determined, so he leads him into the office...

      Inside, the dog jumps up on the chair and stares at the manager.

      The manager says, "I can't hire you; the sign says you have to be able to type."

      The dog jumps down, goes to the typewriter and proceeds to type out a perfect letter...

      He takes out the page, trots over to the manager and gives it to him, then jumps back on the chair.

      The manager is stunned, but then tells the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

      The dog jumps down again and goes to the computer...

      The dog proceeds to demonstrate his expertise with various programs...

      He produces a sample spreadsheet and database then presents them to the manager.

      By this time the manager is totally dumbfounded!

      He looks at the dog and says, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities."

      "However, I still can't give you the job."

      The dog jumps down and goes over to the "Help Wanted" sign, then puts his paw on the part about being an "Equal Opportunity Employer".

      The manager says, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."

      The dog looks at him straight in the face and says...

      "Meow, meow."
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      A lady goes into a pet store one day...

      "I'm really lonely," she says to the clerk, "I need a pet to keep me company."

      "Well," replies the clerk, "how about this nice parrot? He'll talk to you."

      "Hey, that's a great idea!" says the lady...

      So, she buys the parrot and takes him home.

      The next day the lady comes back to the pet store...

      "You know that parrot isn't talking to me yet," she says.

      "Hmm, let's see," thinks the clerk...

      "I know! Buy this little ladder for his cage. He'll climb the ladder, and then he'll talk to you."

      So off she goes with a newly purchased ladder.

      The next day the lady comes back to the pet store again...

      "Hey, that parrot still hasn't said a word," she says to the clerk.

      He thinks a minute...

      "How about this little mirror?" he says, "Hang it at the top of the ladder... "

      "The parrot will climb the ladder, look in the mirror, and then he'll talk to you."

      "Okay," says the lady. She buys the little mirror and goes home.

      But the next day the same lady is back in the shop...

      "Well, I'm getting a bit discouraged," she says, "That parrot still won't talk to me."

      The clerk scratches his head, "Let me think... "

      "Aha! Try this bell. Just hang it over the mirror... "

      "The parrot will climb the ladder, look in the mirror, ring the bell, and then he will surely talk to you!"

      "All right, I'll give it a try," says the lady.

      So, she buys the bell and takes it home.

      The next day the same lady comes back to the pet shop, and she is very distressed...

      "What's wrong?" asks the clerk.

      "My parrot, well, he died," she answers quietly.

      "Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry for your loss!" exclaims the clerk...

      "But I have to ask you, did the parrot ever say anything to you?"

      "Oh yes, he said one thing, right before he died," she replies.

      "Well, what did he say?" asks the clerk.

      The lady replies, "He said... "

      "Doesn't that store carry any food?"
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      Apparently saying, "Oh, this old thing?"
      sn't an appropriate way to introduce my wife.
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    • Profile picture of the author tagiscom
      True l only come back here to laugh!

      Signature
      `
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      A man is about to enter a meeting at work, when he realizes that he forgot some important paperwork...

      He calls home, so that his wife can retrieve them.

      The maid answers the phone, and says that his wife is busy.

      He demands that the maid put his wife on the phone.

      The maid informs the man that his wife is in bed with the gardener.

      The man goes nuts, and offers the maid one million dollars to shoot them both.

      The maid agrees, and he soon hears two gunshots.

      The maid returns to the phone, and he asks her what happened.

      The maid says she shot his wife in bed and the gardener ran, so she shot him by the pool.

      The man says...

      "Pool? Is this 333-5052?!"
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      Joke #1

      A blonde walks into a novelty store...

      She sees a shiny container sitting on a shelf and asks the clerk what it is.

      The clerk says, "It's a thermos. It keeps cold things cold and hot things hot."

      The blonde is so impressed, she buys one...

      She can't wait to return to work so she can show off her new thermos to her co- workers.

      After arriving at work the next day, it's not long before one of her peers asks about her new shiny container.

      The blond replies, "It's a thermos. It keeps cold things cold and hot things hot."

      Her co-worker asks, "Well, what do you have in it now?"

      The blond says proudly...

      "A popsicle and two cups of coffee."

      Joke #2

      Eleven women are clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest...

      Ten are blonde, one is a brunette.

      As a group they decide that if they are to have any chance of surviving, one of them will need to let go...

      If that doesn't happen, the rope will break, and everyone will perish.

      For a few agonizing moments no one volunteers.

      Finally, the brunette gives a truly touching speech saying she will sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others...

      All the blondes applaud.
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      Three spies are captured by a terrorist group: a Frenchman, a German and an Italian...

      The captors first take the French spy in for interrogation.

      They tie his hands behind a chair and torture him for two hours before he spills the beans...

      The captors throw him back into the cell and drag the German out for his interrogation.

      As before, they tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing him...

      The German resists for four hours before finally giving in.

      The captors throw him back into the cell and then drag the Italian out.

      They tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing him...

      Four hours pass, then eight, then sixteen.

      Even twenty-four hours later, the interrogators have not been able to get a word out of the Italian...

      Frustrated, they throw him back into the cell.

      Impressed by the Italian's resistance, the other two spies ask him, "How did you manage to keep quiet for so long?"

      The Italian responds, "Oh, I wanted to talk... "

      "But I just could not move my hands."
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work...

      Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and sneaks into the bedroom closet.

      A few minutes later, the woman hears her husband arrive home...

      She hurriedly hides her lover in the closet - not knowing the boy was also hiding in there.

      The little boy says, "It sure is dark in here... "

      The man replies, "Yes, it is."

      Then, the boy says, "I have a baseball... "

      The man says, "That's nice."

      "Want to buy it?" asks the boy...

      "No, thanks," the man answers.

      "My dad's outside," pipes up the boy...

      The man sighs, "OK, how much?"

      "$250!" says the boy...

      The man sighs, "Ok, fine."

      A few weeks later, the lover finds himself in the closet with the boy again.

      The boy says, "It sure is dark in here... "

      The man responds, "Yes, it is."

      "I have a baseball glove... "

      The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

      "$750?" says the boy...

      The man sighs again, "Fine."

      A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch... "

      The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."

      The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

      The boy grins, "$1,000."

      The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that, that's way more than they cost new!"

      "I'm taking you to church so you can confess... "

      When they arrive at the church, the father tells the little boy to sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

      The boy says, "It sure is dark in here... "

      The priest says, "Okay, young man... "

      "How much this time?"
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      Sarah had always loved the great outdoors, and she had been itching to go on a hiking trip for months...

      So, when her friends suggested a weekend trip to the Canadian wilderness, she jumped at the chance.

      As they gathered their gear and set out on the trail, Sarah's heart was filled with excitement and anticipation...

      The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and she couldn't wait to see what adventures lay ahead.

      But as they walked, a sense of unease began to creep up on her...

      She had heard stories about bears in the area, and the thought of encountering one filled her with dread.

      Just as she was starting to feel truly anxious, a park ranger approached them with a friendly smile...

      "Welcome to our park, before you head out on your hike, I'd like to give you some important information on how to stay safe in bear country."

      The ranger's demeanor turned serious as he spoke, knowing that bears were a very real danger in the area...

      "Brown bears are generally harmless, and they usually try to avoid contact with humans."

      "However, it's still important to take precautions... "

      "We suggest attaching small bells to your backpacks so that the bears can hear you coming and have plenty of time to move out of your way."

      The hikers listened attentively, nodding their heads in understanding...

      But the ranger wasn't finished yet.

      "Now, when it comes to grizzly bears, it's a different story," he warned...

      "They can be extremely dangerous, and it's crucial that you know how to recognize them and avoid them."

      At this point, Sarah couldn't help but speak up...

      "How do we know if we're seeing grizzly bear droppings?"

      The ranger's face broke into a wry smile.

      "Well, that's an easy one... "

      "Grizzly bear droppings are full of small bells."
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife hostage...

      At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit in chairs facing back-to-back, then ties them to the chairs.

      The burglar slowly and methodically begins stealing from the house...

      When the burglar has taken everything of value, he gets ready to leave.

      The homeowners are still bound to their chairs, when suddenly, the man yells at the burglar, "Please untie her, please, let her go!"

      The thief responds with, "No, I'm not untying either of you so that the authorities get notified as late as possible... "

      "Don't worry, your neighbors will soon wonder why your lights are still on throughout the night... "

      "And check in on you long before you succumb to dehydration."

      The man yet again pleads, "Please, just untie her, I'll do anything!"

      The burglar once again explains his reasoning...

      "I need to get away with this crime, I'm sorry, I can't leave anything up to chance."

      The man shuffles his chair towards the burglar, and in a state of mania, exclaims, "I'm begging you man, just let her go, she won't call the cops, I promise!"

      The burglar, still unwilling to budge, did find it quite touching how much his hostage cared about his wife...

      "Wow," he said "You must really love your wife to beg me to untie her so desperately."

      "No," the man replied, in a state of frenzy...

      "My wife will be home in 15 minutes!"
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      In a charming little town, there was a popular Billiards Club where the locals loved to gather...

      Relax with a few drinks and engage in friendly banter.

      Among the regular patrons of this club were three married men...

      Who were known to share stories about their lives and constantly grumble about their marriages.

      On a sunny afternoon, the trio found themselves seated at their favorite spot...

      Sipping their drinks and, as usual, having a lively conversation.

      On this particular day, the topic of discussion turned to their marital troubles...

      And they began debating over who had the most challenging marriage of them all.

      The first man took a swig of his beer and said, "I have it the worst, guys... "

      "My prudish wife won't be intimate with me more than once a month - She absolutely refuses."

      The other men shook their heads in sympathy...

      One of them, unable to contain his curiosity, asked, "So, what did you do about it?"

      With a sly grin, the man replied, "I had a little fun with that adventurous blonde over there by the pool table... "

      "Unlike my wife, she's up for anything."

      The men laughed heartily at his confession...

      The second man, not to be outdone, chimed in, "You think that's bad?"

      "My uptight wife won't even be intimate with me once a year!... "

      The other men gasped and shook their heads, and one of them inquired, "So, what did you do about it?"

      With a smirk, the man replied, "I had a great time with that same blonde over there by the pool table... "

      "She's willing to do anything, I swear."

      The men roared with laughter, clinking their glasses together in camaraderie...

      Then, the third man leaned in and said, "That's unfortunate for you guys, but honestly, I definitely have it the worst."

      His friends leaned in, eager to hear his story...

      They asked, "What's the problem with your wife?"

      The man sighed and said, "Well, for one... "

      "She's the blonde playing pool over there."
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch...

      The first bull says, "I've been here five years, I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."

      The second bull added, "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows, I'm keeping all my cows."

      The third bull replied, "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows... "

      "I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."

      Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen.

      At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.

      The first bull says, "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."

      The second bull says, "I actually have too many cows to take care of, I can spare a few."

      They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.

      The third bull looks up and says, "Hell, he can have all my cows... "

      "I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!"
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    • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
      How do you clean a dirty space telescope....you give it a hubble bath.
      Signature

      Feel The Power Of The Mark Side

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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      An 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, die in a car crash...

      They had been in good health for the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health, food, and exercise.

      When they reach the pearly gates, St. Peter takes them to their mansion...

      It is decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite, and Jacuzzi.

      As they "ooh and aah", the old man asks St. Peter how much all this was going to cost...

      "It's free," St. Peter replies, "This is Heaven."

      Next, they go out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backs up to...

      They will have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changes to a new one representing the great golf courses found on earth.

      The old man asks, "What are the green fees?... "

      St. Peter replies, "This is heaven, you can play for free."

      Next, they go to the clubhouse, and see a lavish buffet lunch with all the cuisines of the world laid out...

      "How much is it to eat here?" asks the old man.

      "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, everything is free!" St. Peter replies, with some exasperation...

      "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asks timidly.

      St. Peter answers, "That's the best part, you can eat as much as you like, whatever you like... "

      "You will never get fat, and you will never get sick. This is Heaven."

      With that the old man erupts into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat, and stomping on it, shrieking wildly...

      St. Peter and his wife both try to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

      The old man looks at his wife and says, "This is all your fault!... "

      "If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins... "

      "I could have been here ten years ago!"
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      A veterinarian has a really bad day at the clinic...

      But when he gets home from tending to all the sick animals, his wife is waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner.

      After dinner, they have a few more drinks and go happily upstairs to bed...

      At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rings.

      "Is this the vet?" asks an elderly lady...

      "Yes, it is," replies the vet, "Is this an emergency?"

      "Well, sort of," says the elderly lady, "There's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating, and I can't get to sleep... "

      "What can I do about it?"

      There is a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replies, "Just open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone."

      "Really?" says the elderly lady, "Will that stop them?"

      "Well, it should," says the vet...

      "It stopped me!"
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      An older woman, well past child-bearing years, went to a walk-in clinic where she was seen by a young, new doctor...

      After about 3 minutes in the exam room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

      She burst out the door, screaming as she ran down the hall...

      An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was, and she told him what had happened.

      After hearing her out, he sat her down in another exam room and marched back to where the first doctor was...

      He demanded, "what is the matter with you?"

      "That lady is over 70 years old, has four grown children and several grandchildren!... "

      "And you told her she was pregnant?"

      The young doctor continued to write on his clipboard, and without looking up, he asked...

      "Does she still have the hiccups?"
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      "Well, I do have a special gift - I can communicate with animals."

      "Sure, you can stay," says the farmer, "I like your style and I'll put you to work."

      So, the farmer gives the man a few chores to do around the farm...

      That night, at dinner, the man says to the farmer, "I know you don't believe me, but I actually can communicate with animals."

      "I can prove it. I spoke to the hens, and they told me you were in the hen house every morning before dawn to collect their eggs... "

      "And you've been doing so every day for years since your wife passed."

      The farmer says, "Wow, that's exactly right!"

      The man continues, "I also spoke to your cow, and she said you've faithfully milked her every day before dawn... "

      "And you've been doing so every day for years since your wife passed."

      The farmer says, "I'm really amazed. That's also true."

      The man then says, "And I spoke to your sheep... "

      The farmer stops the man in mid-sentence and yells...

      "That sheep is a liar!"
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      It's the last day of kindergarten, and all the children bring presents for their teacher...

      The florist's son is the first to hand her his gift.

      She shakes it, holds it up and says, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"

      "That's right!" shouts the little boy.

      Then the candy store owner's daughter hands the teacher a gift...

      She holds it up, shakes it and says, "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!"

      "That's right!" shouts the little girl.

      The next gift is from the liquor store owner's son, Little Johnny...

      The teacher holds it up and sees that it is leaking.

      She touches a drop with her finger and tastes it...

      "Is it wine?" she asks.

      "No," says Little Johnny.

      The teacher touches another drop to her tongue...

      "Is it juice?" she asks.

      "No," repeats Little Johnny...

      Finally, the teacher says, "Ok, I give up. What is it?"

      Little Johnny beams...

      "A puppy!"
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      In Jerusalem, a female journalist hears about a very old Jewish man who has been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for nearly 80 years...

      She thinks this is amazing and wants to see it for herself.

      So, she goes to the Wailing Wall and there he is!...

      She watches him as he prays.

      Then, as he turns to leave, she approaches him for an interview...

      "Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?" she asks.

      "For about 60 years," he answers.

      "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" she asks.

      He replies, "I pray for peace. I pray for all the hatred to stop, and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

      "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" she continues.

      He thinks for a moment, then replies...

      "Like I'm talking to a wall!"
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    • Profile picture of the author DWolfe
      I told my son I saw a deer on the way to work this morning.
      He asked:"How do you know it was on its way to work?"
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      • Profile picture of the author Frank Donovan
        Originally Posted by DWolfe View Post

        I told my son I saw a deer on the way to work this morning.
        He asked:"How do you know it was on its way to work?"
        He probably had his cell fawn with him.
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        • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
          Originally Posted by Frank Donovan View Post

          He probably had his cell fawn with him.
          And he was heading to the John Deere factory just up the road.
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          • Profile picture of the author Frank Donovan
            Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

            And he was heading to the John Deere factory just up the road.
            Deer/Deere. Hmm. Bit weak. I think you need to buck your ideers up.
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            • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
              Originally Posted by Frank Donovan View Post

              Deer/Deere. Hmm. Bit weak. I think you need to buck your ideers up.
              Most deer's work at Star Bucks, but many work at Deery Queen too. Santa employs them seasonally but he had to fire his star performer last year because he was Rude-olf.

              Some qualified deer's work at weather stations working to forecast storms or hurricanes. These are of course Rain Deer.

              Some deer's work in the hospitality sector and organize Stag Parties.

              You will never find a good Deer Doctor though. What ever your ailment, all they ever offer you is Elk A Seltzer.
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              • Profile picture of the author Frank Donovan
                Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

                Most deer's work at Star Bucks, but many work at Deery Queen too. Santa employs them seasonally but he had to fire his star performer last year because he was Rude-olf.

                Some qualified deer's work at weather stations working to forecast storms or hurricanes. These are of course Rain Deer.

                Some deer's work in the hospitality sector and organize Stag Parties.

                You will never find a good Deer Doctor though. What ever your ailment, all they ever offer you is Elk A Seltzer.
                That's more like it. Good fallow-up post.
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              • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
                Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

                Most deer's work at Star Bucks, but many work at Deery Queen too. Santa employs them seasonally but he had to fire his star performer last year because he was Rude-olf.

                Some qualified deer's work at weather stations working to forecast storms or hurricanes. These are of course Rain Deer.

                Some deer's work in the hospitality sector and organize Stag Parties.

                You will never find a good Deer Doctor though. What ever your ailment, all they ever offer you is Elk A Seltzer.
                Lordy-Lordy!
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      A politician visits a primary school to speak to the children...

      During class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a 'tragedy'.

      Kevin raises his hand first and offers, "If my best friend is playing in the street and a car comes by and kills him, that would be a tragedy."

      "No," the politician says, "That would be an 'ACCIDENT'."

      Next, Marcy raises her hand...

      "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

      "I'm afraid not," explains the politician, "That is what we would call a 'GREAT LOSS'."

      The room is silent, none of the other children dare volunteer...

      "What?" asks the politician, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

      Finally Little Johnny raises his hand...

      "If an airplane carrying a politician was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy."

      "Marvelous!" the politician beams, "And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

      "Well," says Johnny...

      "Because it wouldn't be an 'ACCIDENT', and it certainly would be no 'GREAT LOSS'!"
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      As a man is driving, he loses his grip on his coffee and swerves as he tries to steady it...

      Suddenly, he hears a police siren and as he looks into his rearview mirror, he sees a police car behind him with its lights on.

      So, he pulls over and rolls down his window...

      The police officer approaches his car, then orders, "License and registration sir."

      As the man hands over his license, he explains, "Sir, I lost my grip on my coffee and... "

      Before the man can finish, the officer interrupts, "Have you been drinking sir?"

      The man replies, "As I was trying to explain sir... "

      The officer interrupts again, "How about a quick test then?"

      "Imagine you're driving down a dark road and see two lights in the distance, what is it?"

      The man replies, "A car?"

      The officer barks, "Of course! But what kind? A Chevy, Dodge or a Ford?"

      The man replies, "How am I supposed to know?"

      The officer says, "Just as I suspected, you've been drinking."

      The man protests, "But sir, I haven't been drinking!"

      "Okay," says the officer, "then tell me, on the same dark road, one light shows up in the distance, what is it?"

      The man says, "A motorcycle?"

      "Of course, it's a motorcycle," says the officer, "But is it a Honda, a Harley or a Kawasaki?"

      The man replies, "I have no idea!"

      The officer says, "Just as I suspected, you've been drinking."

      In response, the man says, "Okay, then let me ask you a question... "

      "You're driving down a highway around midnight, and you see a woman on the roadside, wearing a miniskirt, fishnets, and high heels... "

      "What would you call her?"

      The officer replies, "A hooker, of course."

      The man then says, "Yes, of course, but... "

      "Is it your wife, your daughter, or your mother?"
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      A priest goes to the barber for a haircut...

      When the barber has finished, the priest asks how much he owes.

      "All free, my friend. I consider it a service to God," replies the barber.

      The priest thanks the barber and leaves...

      The next morning when the barber arrives at the shop, there's a Bible, flowers and a thank you note from the priest on the doorstep.

      The same day, a policeman enters wanting a haircut...

      When the barber is finished, the policeman asks how much he owes.

      "No charge, my friend. I consider this a service to the Lord above".

      The policeman thanks the barber and leaves...

      The next day when the barber arrives at the shop, there's a box of donuts and a thank you note from the policeman on the doorstep.

      In the afternoon, a lawyer comes in for a haircut...

      When the barber is finished, he tells the surprised but pleased lawyer that there is no charge, as he considers it a service to God.

      When the barber arrives at the shop the next day, he sees on his doorstep...

      A long line of lawyers waiting for haircuts.
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves didn't produce the toys as fast as the regular ones...

      Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

      Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit...

      This stressed Santa even more.

      When he went to harness the reindeer, Santa found that three of them were about to give birth...

      and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

      More stress...

      Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

      Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider, and a shot of rum.

      When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.

      In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

      He went to get the broom, and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

      Just then, the doorbell rang, and an irritable Santa trudged to the door...

      He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

      The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa, Isn't it a lovely day?... "

      "I have a beautiful tree for you, Where would you like me to stick it?"

      And so began the tradition...

      of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
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    • Profile picture of the author Kay King
      My wife just stopped and said, "You weren't even listening, were you?"
      And I thought, "That's a pretty weird way to start a conversation."
      Signature
      Saving one dog will not change the world - but the world changes forever for that one dog
      ***
      If liar's pants really did catch on fire, watching the news would be a lot more fun.
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    • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
      As we all know, Gnomes can live up to 900 years. So, when Dan Riffle finally died, he far outlived all the people on the forum.

      Dan went straight to Hell. (probably unpaid parking violations) and the Devil was there to greet him. Ah, said Lucifer, it's been a long wait but finally we have you. However, we are running out of room here, so periodically, when we get a new entrant, we let one go and you replace them.

      So, you have three choices, behind these three doors, take your pick. He opens the first door and sees Discrat repeatedly diving off a high board and swimming the length of the pool below, only to repeat himself, again and again. Not for me says Dan, I cant swim.

      The Devil opens the second door to show Princess Balestra continuously writing smutty, difficult to understand anecdotes and posting them to various forums. Not for me says Dan, I only write direct answers and jokes.

      The Devil opens the third door, and Dan sees Ken Leatherman lying naked on a bed with Monica Lewinsky kneeling over him, doing her thing. I think I can handle that, says Dan. Ok, says the Devil, Monica, you are free to go...
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  • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
    The captain calls the sergeant into his office...

    "Sergeant, I just received a telegram that Private Jones' mother passed away yesterday."

    "You'd better go tell him, and then send him in to see me."

    So, the sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all his troops...

    "Listen up, men!" says the sergeant.

    "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP... "

    "Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers... "

    "The rest of you men report to the motor pool for maintenance."

    "Oh, by the way Jones, your mother died, report to the captain."

    Later that day the captain calls the sergeant into his office...

    "Hey Sergeant, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died."

    "Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

    "Yes, sir," answers the sergeant.

    A few months later, the captain calls the sergeant in again...

    "Sergeant, I just received a telegram that Private McGrath's mother passed away, " says the captain.

    "You'd better go tell him, then send him in to see me."

    "This time be more tactful."

    So, the sergeant calls for his morning formation...

    "OK men, fall in and listen up!"

    "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward... "

    "NOT SO FAST, McGrath!"
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  • Profile picture of the author Odahh
    As for old couple jokes.

    A young man was was in the home of a couple who had been married 60 years.

    After an hour of listening to the couple talk he had taken note of hearing the elderly man cal his wife " hunny" " sweetheart " "pumpkin " my love " and several other pet names.

    When the woman left the room for a few minutes the young man mentioned to the elderly man. " it's amazing that after 60 years of marriage you still have so many sweet pet names for your wife "

    The old man leans closer to the young man and says " truth is I forgot her name three years ago and she hasn't caught on yet "
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  • Profile picture of the author Odahh
    Here is a short one.

    How do you get a room full of elderly women to start cussing and throwing things.

    Yell "BINGO "
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  • Profile picture of the author DWolfe
    Little Johnny was looking out of the plane's window enjoying the experience of his first flight.

    Deep in thought he suddenly turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

    Well his mother was a little perturbed by this question and she struggled to think of an answer, so she said, "Johnny why don't you ask the flight attendant?"

    Little Johnny was not a child lacking in confidence, so he walked down the aisle and politely said to the flight attendant, "Excuse me, mam, if big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

    The flight attendant had heard it all before of course but she smiled sweetly at Johnny and then asked, "Did your mom tell you to ask me that?"

    Little Johnny returned her smile and said, "Yes mam, she did."

    "Well", said the flight attendant, "you can tell your mom that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mom to explain that to you
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  • Profile picture of the author maryglo
    lol) thats funny
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  • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
    An elderly woman is riding in an elevator, on her way to a doctor's appointment...

    Suddenly, the elevator stops, and a beautiful young woman smelling of expensive perfume steps in...

    She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

    On the next floor, another young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator...

    She also smells of expensive perfume.

    She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"

    About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator.

    Before she leaves, she looks back at the women...

    Passes gas...

    And says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound!"
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  • Profile picture of the author palmandolive
    hahaha so the doctor smelled her farts during her first visit
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  • Profile picture of the author Odahh
    A police officer attempted to stop a speeding car. When she got behind the vehicle the driver continue d driving.

    When she pulled her car next to the car the male driver looked over then looked visible relieved as he pulled his car over.

    When the cop got back to the mans car. The man yelled out his window. " I'm so glad to see you officer. My wife ran off with a police Man a few days ago and I thought you might have been trying to bring her back.
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  • Profile picture of the author jamesarthur42
    [DELETED]
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    • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
      Originally Posted by jamesarthur42 View Post

      This story reminds us of the importance of clear communication with our healthcare providers and the value of a good sense of humor, even when dealing with sensitive or embarrassing health issues. Betty's cheerful attitude throughout her ordeal serves as a reminder that maintaining a positive outlook can help us face life's unexpected challenges with grace and laughter.
      Might I venture to say that your slightly overthinking a batch of jokes.
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      • Profile picture of the author DWolfe
        Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

        Might I venture to say that your slightly overthinking a batch of jokes.
        Considering that 80 plus percent of the post was written with AI, I don't think he knows how to think
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  • All I know is, gimme a slob knocker at ruttin' season.

    "Doctah! Doctah! I cain't walk straight ... "
    Signature

    Lightin' fuses is for blowin' stuff togethah.

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  • Profile picture of the author sizan05
    good job for us.
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  • Profile picture of the author Odahh
    Yesterday I was talking to a friend and she mentioned that she doesn't think she could deal with being disabled.

    I told her" you you are a very strong independent woman as long as you could take care of yourself and still help others. You would be fine"

    She nodded her head and said " yes see you understand me"

    I responded." Yes but there is one thing you couldn't live with my friend."

    After waiting a few moments " now if you lost the ability to speak'
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      Dr. Rosenberg, a distinguished physician, completed his medical studies in his hometown before establishing himself in Manhattan...

      Where he swiftly ascended to the pinnacle of his profession.

      One day, he was invited to present a significant paper at a conference, coincidentally held in his hometown...

      He approached the stage, and while placing his papers on the lectern, they slid off.

      As he bent down to retrieve them, he accidentally emitted a resounding fart...

      Amplified by the microphone, it could be heard throughout the room and down the hall.

      Despite his embarrassment, he managed to regain composure and deliver his paper before hastily exiting the stage...

      He then returned to Manhattan, vowing never to return.

      Years later, when his elderly mother fell ill, Dr. Rosenberg reluctantly returned to his hometown.

      Checking into a hotel under the alias "Smith" and arriving in the cover of darkness, the desk clerk inquired...

      "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Smith?"

      Dr. Rosenberg replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't... "

      "I grew up here but, moved away after receiving my education."

      Curious, the desk clerk probed further, "Haven't you visited since?"

      Dr. Rosenberg hesitated before confessing, "Actually, I did visit once many years ago... "

      "But an embarrassing thing happened, and since then I've been too ashamed to return."

      Attempting to console him, the clerk remarked, "Sir, while I don't know your life experience... "

      "I've learned that what seems embarrassing to me may not be remembered by others years later."

      Skeptical, Dr. Rosenberg responded, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."

      The clerk, seeking details, asked, "Was it a long time ago?"

      Dr. Rosenberg admitted, "Yes, many years ago."

      Still curious, the clerk asked...

      Was it before The Rosenberg Fart?
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    • Profile picture of the author Kay King
      "Do what you love & the money will follow"


      Rode my horse, wasted 4 hours at the barn, went to the tack store, drank wine, took a nap.


      Now I wait.
      Signature
      Saving one dog will not change the world - but the world changes forever for that one dog
      ***
      If liar's pants really did catch on fire, watching the news would be a lot more fun.
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      • Profile picture of the author discrat
        Originally Posted by Kay King View Post

        "Do what you love & the money will follow"


        Rode my horse, wasted 4 hours at the barn, went to the tack store, drank wine, took a nap.


        Now I wait.
        Kay, maybe your horse will deliver you a stack of Benjamins before the sunset
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        • Profile picture of the author discrat
          Originally Posted by discrat View Post

          Kay, maybe your horse will deliver you a stack of Benjamins before the sunset
          P.S. I have never followed or believed that love what you do and the money will follow mantra. It's a bunch of b.s. for the "most" part, imho !

          I love pickel ball and disc golf. And the money sure is not "following" me in those two areas lol
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          • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
            Originally Posted by discrat View Post

            P.S. I have never followed or believed that love what you do and the money will follow mantra. It's a bunch of b.s. for the "most" part, imho !

            I love pickel ball and disc golf. And the money sure is not "following" me in those two areas lol
            Pickle Ball is the most ludicrous sport to watch, seen a few clips on YT, it's like they are not even trying. Not a spectator sport. Disk Golf is not that great to watch either. Probably both are fun to do though.

            Tiddlywinks, now your talking, lol.
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    • Profile picture of the author Kay King
      When I started at my current gym over a year ago there was a man who just wouldn't stop promoting the 'fun' of pickleball. He was determined I would try it and I was just as determined not to. I won. Not sure why - just didn't appeal to me.
      Signature
      Saving one dog will not change the world - but the world changes forever for that one dog
      ***
      If liar's pants really did catch on fire, watching the news would be a lot more fun.
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      A reporter learns of a woman who receives the highest welfare payments in town, and he is curious as to why...

      So, he goes to the woman's house to interview her.

      After arriving at her house, he knocks on her door and a beautiful young woman answers...

      The reporter introduces himself, then asks, "How old are you ma'am?"

      "27," she replies.

      "And how many children do you have?" he continues.

      "Ten," she replies.

      "Wow, ok, that explains a lot," he says, taken aback...

      "And what are their names?" he asks.

      "Well, there's Bob, then there's Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, and of course, Bob."

      "They're ALL named Bob?" he asks, even more bewildered...

      "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

      "I just call 'Bob,' and they all come running inside," she explains.

      "And if you want them to come to the table for dinner?" he asks.

      "I just say, 'Bob, come eat your dinner,' and they do," she answers.

      "But what if you want just ONE of them to do something?" he asks.

      "Oh, that's easy," she replies...

      "I just use their last name."
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      Deep within a forest, a little turtle is standing at the bottom of a large tree...

      With a deep sigh, the turtle starts to climb the tree slowly.

      After hours of effort, he finally reaches the top...

      He jumps into the air waving his front legs, then crashes heavily into the ground with a hard knock on his shell.

      After recovering consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps, and again, crashes into the ground below.

      The little turtle is undeterred...

      He persists again and again while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch nearby watch painfully.

      One of the birds watching shakes her head then turns to the other bird and asks...

      "Honey, don't you think it's time... "

      "We tell him he's adopted?"
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      A police officer pulls over a guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes...

      He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

      The man says, "Sorry officer, I can't do that... "

      "I am an asthmatic - If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

      "Okay, fine," says the officer, "Then I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

      "I can't do that either," says the man...

      "I am a hemophiliac - If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

      "Well, then we need a urine sample," the officer replies.

      The man responded, "I'm sorry officer I can't do that either... "

      "I am also a diabetic - If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

      "Alright, then," says the officer, "I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

      "I can't do that either," says the man.

      "Why not?" asks the officer.

      "Because," replies the man...

      "I'm too drunk to do that."
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

      The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

      "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

      Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

      The boy licked his cone and replied: "Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      A honeymoon couple were staying at the Watergate Hotel in Washington...
      The bride was concerned, "What if the place is still bugged?"
      The groom responded, "Don't worry honey, I'll look for a bug."
      He looked behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug...
      Finally, he said, "Got it!"
      Under the rug was a disc with four screws.
      He got out his Swiss army knife, unscrewed the screws, then threw the screws and the disc out the window.


      The next morning, the hotel manager came up stairs and asked the newlyweds, "How was your room?... "
      "How was the service?... "
      "How was your stay at the Watergate?"
      "Why are you asking me all of these questions?" asked the groom.
      The hotel manager replied, "Well, the guests staying in the room under you complained... "
      "That their chandelier fell on them last night."
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      FINALLY! BLONDE MEN JOKES:

      A blonde man is in the shower and his wife shouts "did you find the shampoo?"
      He answers "yes but I'm not sure what to do it's for dry hair and I just wet mine."

      A blonde man spots a letter on his porch. It says on the envelope "Do NOT BEND". He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.


      A blonde man shouts frantically into the
      phone "My wife is pregnant and her
      contractions are only 2 minutes apart!"
      Is this her first child?' asks the doctor.
      "No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!".
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      Two policemen are on patrol at 2 o'clock in the morning...
      They see a man alone in the street wobbling and barely able to walk in a straight line.
      They stop him to make sure he's not drunk in public or getting into a car to drive home.
      "Where are you coming from?" asks one of the officers.
      "From the best place in the world!" he slurs.
      "My favorite bar that has the best drinks and the nicest girls in town!... "


      "Each one is friendlier than the next!" the man says as he winks at the police.
      "That sounds like a great place," says one of the officers...
      "And where are you going at this late hour? Shouldn't you be in bed?"
      "What? sleep!?" replies the man, "No way, I'm on my way to a lecture on alcohol addiction and its effects on the body... "
      "The harms of smoking and proper social behavior."
      "Really?" asks one of the officers dubiously, while exchanging knowing looks with the other officer...
      "Are you sure you didn't drink too much tonight?... "
      "I seriously doubt anyone is giving lectures on those topics at 2 o'clock in the morning."
      The man sighs and says...
      "Tell that to my wife."
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      A couple of little old ladies are sitting on a porch and talking to each other about their grandchildren...
      "I send gifts, greeting cards and checks to my grandchildren," complains one, "and still they barely visit me!"
      The second old lady says, "Oh I also send checks to my grandchildren, and they visit me all the time!"
      "You are so fortunate to have more grateful grandchildren than my own," says the first lady sadly.
      The second old lady smiles and says, "No, my grandchildren are about as grateful as yours are."
      "So, what do you do differently? Are your checks bigger than mine?" asks the first lady, surprised.
      "No," chuckles the other old lady...
      "I just don't sign mine."
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      It was a new blonde flight attendant's first day on the job...
      The route she was flying required that the crew make a stop in another city for the night.
      Soon after their arrival, the captain guided the flight attendants to their rooms...

      The next morning, as the pilot was preparing everyone to leave, he noticed his new blonde flight attendant was missing.
      He knew which hotel room she was staying in and decided to call her, as he was wondering what had happened to her...

      She answered the phone, sobbing, "I can't get out of my room!"
      "What do you mean, you can't get out of your room?" asked the captain.
      The blonde flight attendant replied, "Because there are only three doors in here," she cried.

      "One is the bathroom, one is the closet, and the other door has a sign on it that says... "
      "'Do Not Disturb'!"
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
      As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, "Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife."
      Donnie says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
      Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
      Ronnie says, "Where did you get that beer, Donnie?"
      "Cooter's wife gave it to me," Donnie replies.
      "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
      "Well, not exactly", Donnie says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Cooter's widow."
      She said, "You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow."
      Then I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      Frank is hard of hearing and recently bought a new hearing aid...
      He is so happy with his new hearing aid that when he sees his friend Joe, he has to tell him about it.
      Frank says, "Hey Joe, remember that old hearing aid I used to have?... "
      "The one with the receiver in the shirt pocket?"
      "Remember how I was always messing with it, trying to turn up the volume?... "
      "Boy, I've got a new hearing aid that's opened up a whole new world for me."
      "I'm hearing things I never heard before... "
      "Everything is coming in loud and clear."
      "I got it for only $1,000 wholesale... "
      "If the company that made this hearing aid wanted me to do a commercial for it, I'd do it, and they wouldn't even have to pay me."
      "I can hear a pin drop on a carpet in the next room!"
      Joe responds, "Well Frank, that sounds great! What kind is it?"
      Frank looks at is watch and says...
      "About 4:15!"
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      "Better to keep silent an let people think you are a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."

      Abraham Lincoln
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      The banker saw his old friend Tom, an 80-year-old rancher, in town...
      Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride.
      Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true...
      Tom assured him that it was.
      The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be...
      Tom proudly said, "She'll be 21 in November."
      Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that a young woman could not be satisfied by an 80-year-old man...
      Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy, the banker tactfully suggested...
      That Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
      Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon...
      About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again, "How's the new wife?" asked the banker.
      Tom proudly said, "Good - she's pregnant!"
      The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"
      Tom replied...
      "She's pregnant too!"
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the old saying, "You can't take it with you.

      After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.

      He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two large bags. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed.

      His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

      Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash.

      "Oh, that old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      There is only one cure for gray hair.

      It was invented by a Frenchman.

      It is called the guillotine.


      P.G. Woodhouse
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      • Profile picture of the author Odahh
        Originally Posted by Ken Leatherman View Post

        There is only one cure for gray hair.

        It was invented by a Frenchman.

        It is called the guillotine.


        P.G. Woodhouse
        That reminds me of something an old friend said before he died suddenly.

        "That chicken you had in the fridge was good. Why did you have do not eat writing on the container?"
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
      He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
      Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
      Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
      Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
      The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
      The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      A husband and wife are playing golf one weekend...
      They're on the 9th green when the wife suddenly collapses.
      "Help me dear!" she pleads to her husband...
      The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, then he picks up his putter and lines up his put...
      His wife uses all her remaining strength to raise her head off the green and stares at him as she gasps, "I'm dying here and you're putting?"
      "Don't worry, dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."
      "Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" the wife asks feebly.
      "Oh, no time at all," replies her husband...
      "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked the stewardess to take care of them for him...
      The stewardess took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
      The lawyer advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for keeping the crabs frozen...
      Mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer...
      Then proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
      Needless to say, she was very annoyed by his behavior.
      Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin...
      "Attention passengers, will you please raise your hand if you're the lawyer... "
      "Who gave me the crabs in New Orleans?"
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      I just sold my Homing Pigeon on Ebay for the 22nd time.
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    • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
      I got hungry and had a sudden desire to eat a wasp. Honestly, I could Murder a Hornet.
      Signature

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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      A group of blondes are on a plane heading for a convention...
      Suddenly, a stewardess runs down the aisle yelling, "Help! The pilots are dead!"...
      Two brave blonde passengers break down the cockpit door and attempt to take control of the plane.
      They are able to contact air traffic control who agrees to guide them...
      "Ok, stay calm now," says the controller, "Do you see those 3 switches located on the main panel?"
      "Yes, yes!" answers one of the blondes.


      "Ok, make sure they are all switched to the 'on' position," instructs the controller.
      "Ok, ok!" says the blonde.
      "Do you see the dial above the pilot's seat?" asks the controller.
      "Yes, yes I do!" replies the blonde.
      "Make sure it is rotated 90 degrees clockwise," says the controller.
      "Ok it's done!" shouts the blonde.
      "Now the blue button on the left-hand panel," says the controller, "Make sure that is engaged."
      "Ok, ok I think it's done!" says the blonde.
      "Good," replies the controller, "Now slide the red lever 50% to the north."
      The blondes are in a state of flux but coping...
      After 5 or 6 minutes of intense conversation and instructions, the controller declares, "Ok, I think we're going to be ok now... "
      "You're clear for take-off!"
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      While deployed to Afghanistan, a Marine received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend...
      In the letter she explained that she had been seeing other guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.
      To add insult to injury, she asked him to send back the picture of herself that she had given him...
      So, the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do.
      He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find...
      In all, he collected more than 25 pictures of various women.
      He then mailed them to his now-former girlfriend with the following note:...
      "Please remove your picture and send the rest back... "
      "I don't remember which one is yours."
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

      The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

      The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

      The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."

      "Do you mean a rose?"


      "Yes, that's the one," replied the man.

      He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
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    • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
      Discrat went to a gas station and met a Predatory Cougar. She whispered in his ear: "Where have you been all my life" Discrat replied: "I probably was not alive the first half of it"
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital.
      She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

      The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

      The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, Norma Findlay, Room 302."
      The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

      After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

      The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good News."

      The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

      The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me crap!"
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.
      Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?"
      God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
      Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction and tummy tuck.

      Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer.
      After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
      While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an ambulance.

      Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 plus years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance!?"

      God replied, "My child, I am sorry, I didn't even recognize you!
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      An elderly couple recently moved south to Florida from New York...
      The husband had a wooden leg, and it cost $500 per year to insure it back in New York.
      When they arrived in Florida, they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg.
      The agent looked it up on the computer and said, "It will cost $19 per year."
      The husband was shocked, and asked why it was so cheap to insure his wooden leg in Florida...
      The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, "Well, you just have to know how to describe it."
      "He then pointed to some text on the screen that read... "
      "Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler above it is $19 per year."
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    • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
      What do you call a fat psychic: A Four Chin Teller
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      A man is walking through the woods when he sees a bear charging at him.
      He books it, but he knows he can't outrun a bear for long, so he starts praying,

      "Dear Lord, I beseech thee. Please, o Lord, please let this bear be a Christian!"

      The bear catches up to him, knocks him down on the ground, then gets on its knees and says,

      "Dear Lord, thank you for this food I am about to receive..."
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      On Black Friday, a wife drags her husband out to the mall to attend all the sales...
      Midway through the mall, the wife notices that her husband is missing.

      Annoyed, she calls him on his cellphone...
      The wife says, "Where are you? You know we have lots of sales to get to."

      He replies, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace?... "

      "Remember how I couldn't afford it at the time, and I said that one day I would get it for you?"

      Little tears start to flow down his wife's cheek as she gets all choked up...

      "Yes, I do remember that shop!" she replies.

      The husband adds, "Well, I'm just getting ready to order... "
      "A few beers at the bar next to it."
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      A man in a bar notices a beautiful woman, always alone, that comes in on a regular basis...
      He wants to meet her, but he just can't seem to find the courage to approach her.
      After the second week, he decides to make his move...
      Despite his best game, the man can't achieve any progress with her.
      "No thank you," she would always say.
      The man is persistent and finally, one night, they strike up a conversation...
      They have an instant connection, but things never get past the formalities.
      One night he asks her if she would like to come back to his place...
      "No thank you," she says politely.
      "Why won't you come home with me?" he asks.
      "Well," she replies, "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."
      "Wow, that must be rather difficult," says the man.
      "Oh, I don't really mind too much," the woman replies.
      "But... "
      "It has my husband pretty upset."
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    • Profile picture of the author DWolfe
      Dating has certainly changed in 2024
      Guy on his first date with a new girl and she suddenly looked at him in a funny way as he struggled to take her bra off...

      She was wondering why he had it on in the first place!


      Disclaimer -The joke was posted from Nextdoor dot com
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly.

      "Captain," one passenger asks, "who is that man over there?"

      "I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      A redneck's father passed away in his sleep.

      So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body.

      The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away.

      "Where do you live?" asked the operator.

      He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

      The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?

      There was a long pause and finally he said, "How 'bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?"
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    • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
      What group of people always insist on being naked when receiving an enema?

      A Nudist Colony
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      • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
        Three sons left home and became quite well off. They gave their mother a major gift for her birthday every ten years, and got together to tell each other what they bought her. Come her
        90th..

        The first brother bragged he bought her a Mercedes and a permanent driver.

        The second said he bought her a large new house.

        The third said, he knew how much she liked the bible but was unable to read it easily due to failing eyesight. So, twelve years ago, he bought a young parrot, gave it to a monastery together with a large donation and got them to train it to recite the whole bible, his mother would only have to say the verse and the parrot would speak it.

        The mother replied with thank you letters.

        To the first she said, thanks for the car and driver but really, I barely travel anywhere these days.

        To the second son, she said, thanks for the house but I only lived in one room and the house is just too big for me to manage and clean.

        To the third son she said, at last a son who really understands what I like. That chicken you sent me was delicious.
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      • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
        A beautiful young city girl marries a Colorado rancher...
        The rancher spends most of the day in the pasture managing the cattle.
        He asks his wife, in his absence, to direct the insemination man to the barn to impregnate one of their cows...
        "You'll know which cow I picked because I drove a nail into the two by four above her stall," the rancher tells his wife.
        And with that, the rancher heads for the pastures...
        Later that morning, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.


        "I came to inseminate the cow," he says.
        The young woman motions for him to follow her and takes him down to the barn...
        As they walk along the rows of cows, she sees the nail in the two by four above the stall.
        "This is the one right here," she tells the man.
        The man assumes by her city accent and fancy clothes, that she knows nothing about farming...
        He asks her in a mocking tone, "Tell me, young lady, how do you know that this is the right cow to be bred?"
        "That's simple," she says, "By the nail that's over Its stall."
        The man continues in a condescending tone "And what, pray tell is the nail for?"
        The young woman turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder...
        "I guess it's to hang your pants on."
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      • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
        Fred is 34 years old, and he is still single...
        One day, a friend asked, "Why aren't you married, can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
        Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

        His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, why not find a girl who's just like your mother?"
        A few months later, they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl?... "
        "Did your mother like her?"
        With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl, she was just like my mother... "
        "You were right, my mother liked her very much."
        The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
        Fred sighed...
        "My father doesn't like her."
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      • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
        A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher...
        The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed.
        The rancher was only asking to be paid the fair value of the bull...
        The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace at the courthouse located in the town's square.
        The railroad's attorney immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court...
        He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was originally asking.
        After the rancher had signed the release and accepted the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success...
        He tells the rancher, "You are really a country hick, old man, I sure put one over on you in there... "
        "You see, I couldn't have won the case."
        "The engineer was asleep, and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning... "
        "I didn't have one witness to put on the stand."
        "I bluffed you!"
        The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself... "
        "Cuz that darned bull came home this morning."
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      • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
        Little Johnny is lying in bed, busting to go to the toilet...
        So, he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and finds his mother chatting to a bunch of her friends.
        "Mommy," Johnny yells at the top of his voice, "I gotta pee! I gotta pee!"
        Well, needless to say, the mother is mortified at her son's language in front of her guests and scolds the young boy.

        "Johnny, we do NOT shout that word in this house!"
        "Next time, just whisper, okay?"
        Little Johnny nods sheepishly.
        His mother takes him to the bathroom and tucks him back into bed.
        The next night, little Johnny is busting to go to the toilet again...
        So, he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and there is his mother, having a glass of wine with her friends.
        "Mommy! I gotta whisper, I gotta whisper!" he says.
        His mother excuses herself and takes Johnny to the bathroom, smiling at her son's innocent mistake...
        but relieved that he was at least more discreet than last time.
        She then takes Johnny back upstairs and tucks him into bed.
        "Well done, sweetie," she says, kissing him goodnight, "That was much more polite."
        A few nights go by, and low and behold, little Johnny is busting to go to the toilet again.
        So, he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and there is his dad watching TV.

        "Daddy!", Johnny says softly, "I gotta whisper, I gotta whisper!"
        "Aw, is that so, little buddy?" says his dad, his eyes fixed on the television.
        "Come on over here... "
        "and whisper in daddy's ear."
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      • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
        I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work
        that way.

        So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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      • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
        I went to a fishmonger the other day. The owner was so rude and made me so angry that I pushed his face down into the merchandise. That put him in his plaice.
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        • Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

          I went to a fishmonger the other day. The owner was so rude and made me so angry that I pushed his face down into the merchandise. That put him in his plaice.
          I went to a fishmongah the othah day.

          The ownah was so rude an' made me so angry I pushed his face down into the swirl of fishguts an' blood out back of the store.

          That put him in his pollock.
          Signature

          Lightin' fuses is for blowin' stuff togethah.

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          • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
            Originally Posted by Princess Balestra View Post

            I went to a fishmongah the othah day.

            The ownah was so rude an' made me so angry I pushed his face down into the swirl of fishguts an' blood out back of the store.

            That put him in his pollock.
            You are truly the princess of surreal joke parodies.
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      • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
        A woman was flat chested and wanted bigger boobs. She went to a specialist doctor who was highly recommended. He just said to her, Say out loud this affirmation every day when you wake up and they will grow. "Iddy Biddy Bittys, I want bigger titties"

        After a month they were visibly bigger and growing daily. One day she was on the bus and realized she had forgot to say her affirmation. So she plucked up the courage and said it out loud.

        A man sitting close to her said, excuse me, are you a patient of Dr Edwin Swift. As a matter of fact I am, she said.

        The man motioned to her to move closer and whispered in her ear.. Hickory Dickory Dock...
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      • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
        The world had come to an end, just about nothing left of civilization, thanks to a nuclear war, global warming, a new lethal strain of Covid, an asteroid hit, and a coronal mass ejection from the sun. But then, the IRS sent me a letter
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        • Profile picture of the author Odahh
          Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

          The world had come to an end, just about nothing left of civilization, thanks to a nuclear war, global warming, a new lethal strain of Covid, an asteroid hit, and a coronal mass ejection from the sun. But then, the IRS sent me a letter
          Is this really meant to be a joke about the post office. Through rain sleet and snow and the apocalypse.
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          • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
            Originally Posted by Odahh View Post

            Is this really meant to be a joke about the post office. Through rain sleet and snow and the apocalypse.
            Nope, would never say that the postal service was steely, efficient and unrelenting, quite the opposite. But the IRS or any government agency who wants you to pay taxes would be.
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            • Profile picture of the author Odahh
              Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

              Nope, would never say that the postal service was steely, efficient and unrelenting, quite the opposite. But the IRS or any government agency who wants you to pay taxes would be.
              Now that is funny.
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      • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
        Bubba lands a job installing telephone poles for the local phone company...
        At the end of the first day, his new boss asks him, "So, how many poles were you able to install today?"
        "3 poles sir," states Bubba proudly.
        "That's nowhere near enough, if you want to keep this job you're going to need to work faster."
        By the end of the week Bubba had increased to 5 poles a day, but his boss told him that still wasn't enough.
        "I'll give you one more week," says his boss, "And you better be able to install 10 poles a day or you're fired!"
        Three weeks in and Bubba still can't install more than 6 poles a day.
        His boss is fuming, "Look over there!"
        "That man installs 15 poles a day and you can't even install half that!"
        Bubba replies, "Yeah but... "
        "Look how much he's left sticking out of the ground."
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      • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
        A police officer waited outside a popular bar, anticipating an easy arrest of a drunk driver...
        Just before closing time, a man staggered out of the bar.
        The man could barely remain upright, he was most certainly inebriated...
        He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car.
        He finally found his car and climbed in as the bar closed and the patrons began to leave...
        He sat in the car for a good ten minutes.

        He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off...
        He started to pull forward onto the grass, then stopped.
        Finally, when he was the last car in the parking lot, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away...
        The officer, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over.
        He administered a breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a zero...
        The officer was dumbfounded, "This equipment must be broken!" he exclaimed.
        "I doubt it," replied the man, "tonight I am the D.D. ."
        The officer looked at him with confusion, "I don't see how you could be the designated driver when you are stumbling drunk."
        "I'm not," said the man...
        "I m the designated decoy."
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      • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
        A man was on his way home from a party, when he was pulled over by a police officer...
        As the officer approached the vehicle, he noticed a large number of knives in the back seat.
        Looking at the driver he asked, "Sir, do you have a good reason for needing all those large knives?"

        Smiling, the driver said, "Why yes, I juggle them."

        Realizing the officer was giving him a skeptical look, the driver said, "Officer, with your permission I'd be more than glad to give you a demonstration."

        Cautiously, the officer stepped back and said, "Alright, but you'd better be telling the truth."

        Soon, the man was on the side of the road, tossing the knives high into the air with ease.

        Two old men happened to drive by and both gazed in astonishment.

        One of the men looked at the other and said, "Sure am glad I gave up drinking... "
        "these sobriety tests are getting ridiculous!"
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      • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
        An amazing new supermarket opened in my neighborhood recently...
        It has an automatic water mister, to keep the produce fresh.
        Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder, and the smell of fresh rain...

        When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing, and you experience the scent of freshly mowed hay.

        In the meat department, there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions...

        When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

        The bread department features the tantalizing smell of freshly baked bread and cookies...

        But I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.
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      • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
        This is so cool and very real. 1funny.com/never-going-on-escalators-again/
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      • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
        IMPENDING UK GENERAL ELECTION FALLOUT

        "Rishi Sunak admitted he was disappointed his plan to phase out smoking in the UK did not have enough time to become law, but he said it would be back if the Conservatives are returned to government"

        People are wheezing sighs of relief.
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        • Profile picture of the author Odahh
          Originally Posted by lanfear63 View Post

          IMPENDING UK GENERAL ELECTION FALLOUT

          "Rishi Sunak admitted he was disappointed his plan to phase out smoking in the UK did not have enough time to become law, but he said it would be back if the Conservatives are returned to government"

          People are wheezing sighs of relief.
          Did you see the story of the digital portal between New York City and Dublin Ireland that got shut down within a week. The Irish where doing inappropriate and offensive things and the New Yorkers where highly offended.

          Gotta love the Irish

          The only shocking thing is anyone was shocked
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          • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
            Originally Posted by Odahh View Post

            Did you see the story of the digital portal between New York City and Dublin Ireland that got shut down within a week. The Irish where doing inappropriate and offensive things and the New Yorkers where highly offended.

            Gotta love the Irish

            The only shocking thing is anyone was shocked
            I saw that, really cool idea, a porthole to another land. Unfortunately hoomans had do spoil it. I think it may still be open but only at certain times of the day where it can be policed?
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      • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
        Mother Teresa dies and goes to heaven...
        God greets her at the Pearly Gates, "Are you hungry, Mother Teresa?" asks God.
        "I could eat something," Mother Teresa replies.
        So, God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread, and they share it...

        While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looks down into Hell...
        She sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, pastries, and wines.

        Curious, but deeply trusting, she remains quiet.
        The next day God again invites her to join Him for a meal...
        Again, it is tuna and rye bread.
        Once again, Mother Teresa can see the residents of Hell enjoying caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, and chocolates...

        Still, she says nothing.
        The following day, mealtime arrives, and another can of tuna is opened...
        Mother Teresa can't contain herself any longer.
        Meekly, she says, "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with You as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led... "
        "But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread, and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand."
        God sighs. "Let's be honest," He says...

        "For just two people, it doesn't pay to cook."
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      • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
        Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide...
        The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that... "
        "I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

        The second old guy says, "That's OK, what a coincidence, I'm looking for my wife too... "
        "I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

        The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her... "
        "What does she look like?"

        The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 years old, tall, blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing tiny shorts... "


        "What does your wife look like?"

        To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter... "
        "Let's look for yours."
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      • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
        A 67-year-old man and his grandson were riding on a bus heading downtown to go to the movies, when a young punk girl got on...
        She had spiked, multi-colored hair that was green, purple, and orange.
        Her clothes were a tattered mix of leather and rags, her legs were bare, and she was wearing worn-out shoes...
        Her entire face and body were riddled with pierced jewelry.

        She sat down in the only vacant seat that was directly across from the man...
        The man raised an eyebrow and stared at the girl.
        Finally, the girl got self-conscious and barked, "What are you looking at you old fart?! ... "
        "Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"
        Without missing a beat, the man replied, "Yeah... "
        "Back when I was in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore and slept with a parrot... "
        "I thought maybe you were my daughter."
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      • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
        A cowboy decides to buy a horse from a preacher...
        As the money changes hands, the preacher warns him, "Now this isn't a regular horse. I've taught this one different commands... "

        "To get him to run, you must say "Hallelujah!"

        And to make him stop you must say "Amen"."

        The cowboy thanks him and rides off on his new horse.

        Later that afternoon, the cowboy decides to test out the horse...

        He saddles up and mounts, then kicks his heels, yelling "Heyahh!"...
        The horse just stands there, unmoving.

        Oh yeah, the rancher thinks, remembering what the preacher said, "Hallelujah!"
        As the horse bolts into a dead run, the rancher holds on for dear life...

        "Woah! Slow down!" He yells while pulling hard at the reins.
        But the horse continues running at top speed, straight for the edge of a tall cliff.

        "Stop! Woah!" he continues...

        The horse wouldn't stop or even slow down.

        As the cliff gets closer and closer, the cowboy realizes he is about to die and quickly prays...

        "God, save my soul and forgive my sins, Amen."

        Suddenly, the horse slides to a stop, right at the very edge of the cliff.

        The cowboy, giddy with relief, shouts...

        "Hallelujah!"
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      • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
        Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat.
        They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
        Before long, along came a little old man.
        The son said, "Oh dad, there's one."
        "No," said the father, "There's not enough meat on that one to feed the dogs... "
        "We'll just wait."
        A little while later, along came this really fat woman.
        The son said, "Hey dad, she's plenty big enough."
        "No," the father said, "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one... "
        "We'll just wait."
        About an hour later, comes an absolutely gorgeous woman.
        The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad, let's eat her."
        "No," said the father, "We'll not eat her either."
        "Why not?" asked the son.
        "Because we're going to take her back alive... "
        "and eat your mother."
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      • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
        Several men are in the locker room of a local gym...
        A cell phone on a bench rings, and a man puts the phone on speaker and begins to talk.
        Everyone else in the room stops to listen...
        "Hello?" says the man.
        A woman answers, "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
        "Yes," the man replies.
        The woman continues, "I'm at the mall now and I found this beautiful leather coat... "


        "It's only 1,200 dollars, down from 1,900 dollars."
        "Is it okay if I buy it?"
        "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much," says the man.
        "Oh, thanks so very much," says the woman.
        "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership this morning and saw the new models... "


        "There was one that I really, really liked."
        "How much?" asks the man.
        The woman replies, "80,000 dollars."
        "OK," says the man, "But for that price I want it with all the optional extras."
        "Great!" the woman says, "Oh, and one more thing... "
        "The house that we looked at last year is back on the market."


        "They're asking 1,500,000 dollars."
        The man replies, "Well then, go ahead and make them an offer, but no more than 1,250,000 dollars... "
        "Love you, bye!" says the man as he hangs up.
        The other men in the locker room are looking at him in absolute astonishment.
        Then he smiles and asks...
        "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
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      • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
        A blonde and her husband are lying in bed
        listening to the next door neighbor's dog.
        It has been in the backyard
        barking for hours and hours.
        The blonde jumps out of bed
        and says 'I've had enough of this,'
        and she goes downstairs.
        The blonde finally comes back up to bed
        and her husband says
        'The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?'
        The blonde says 'I put the dog in our backyard,
        let's see how THEY like it!'
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      • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
        A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.
        One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.
        Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper
        and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
        Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
        "How long will this take?" she asks.
        "They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
        The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?"she asks.
        The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your a*ss, didn't it?"
        His funeral is tomorrow.................
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      • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
        I went to the Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes.
        When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.
        So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
        He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!
        So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly.
        He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
        This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the winshield... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
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      • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
        A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.

        One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her,

        "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

        "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if only I can sell the car."

        "Okay," said the blonde's friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles.

        Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."

        The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the friend asked her, "Did you sell your car?"

        "No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"
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      • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
        A cowboy strolls into a dimly lit bar, the wooden floors creaking beneath his worn boots...
        He walks up to the bar and orders a drink, settling onto a sturdy barstool.
        As he sits there, enjoying his drink, a young lady enters the bar...
        She scans the room, her eyes landing on the cowboy, and she walks over, taking the seat next to him.
        She's confident and curious, and after a moment, she turns to the cowboy and asks, "Are you a real cowboy?"

        The cowboy looks at her, tipping his hat slightly in greeting...
        "Well," he says, "I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am a real cowboy."
        The young lady nods, seeming satisfied with his answer...
        "That's interesting," she says. "You see, I'm a lesbian... "
        "I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women."
        "When I shower or watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."
        The cowboy listens, intrigued by her candidness...
        They continue to chat for a while, sharing stories about their lives and experiences.
        After some time, the young lady finishes her drink and bids the cowboy farewell, leaving the bar.
        A little while later, a couple enters the bar...
        They're tourists, clearly fascinated by the cowboy's rugged appearance and the authenticity of the Western setting.
        They sit down next to the cowboy, eager to strike up a conversation...
        "Excuse me," the woman says, "are you a real cowboy?"
        The cowboy, still pondering the conversation he had with the young lady, looks at the couple with a thoughtful expression.
        "You know," he replies, "I always thought I was... "
        "But I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
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      • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
        A little old lady went to the grocery store, and put the most expensive cat food in her basket...
        Then, she went to the check-out counter, where she told the girl, "Nothing but the best for my little kitten."
        The girl at the register said, "I'm sorry but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat... "
        "A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."
        So, the little old lady went home, picked up her cat, and went back to the store...


        They sold her the cat food.
        The next day, the little old lady went to the store, and bought twelve of the most expensive dog cookies...
        This time, the cashier demanded proof that she had a dog, claiming old people sometimes eat dog food.
        Frustrated the old lady went home, and came back with her dog...


        She was then given the dog cookies.
        The next day, the old lady brought in a box with a hole in the lid...


        She then asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.
        The cashier said, "No you might have a snake in there!"
        The little old lady assured her there was nothing in the box that would bite her.
        So, the cashier put her finger into the box, and pulled it out...
        The cashier then told the little old lady, "That smells like POOP!"
        The little old lady grinned from ear-to-ear and said, "Now, my dear... "
        "May I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?"
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      • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
        The night before a couple were about to be married, they both were killed in a car accident.
        They arrived in Heaven and asked St. Peter if they could still get married.
        The couple were called in to actually see God.
        God spoke, 'I will grant you your wish. But not right now. It may be a few days or a few years, but I will allow you to be married.'
        Five years came and went and the couple were finally call upon to get married.


        After one day of wedding 'bliss', they went back to God to see if they could get a divorce.
        They were sure the marriage would not last.
        God spoke, 'It took me five years to finally get a priest in Heaven. Do you have any idea how much longer it will be until we get a lawyer?!'
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      • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
        Four friends are out golfing...

        As they wait at the first tee, one heads to the clubhouse to pay.

        The remaining three start chatting, and one of them proudly says, "I'm so proud of my son... "

        "He's a stockbroker and he's doing so well that he just gave away a huge investment portfolio."

        The second guy chimes in, "Well, I'm really proud of my son too... "
        "He's a car dealer, and business is so good that he just gave away a Ferrari."

        The third friend adds, "That's impressive, but my son is doing amazing as well... "
        "He's made enough money to give away a million-dollar home."

        Just as he finishes, the fourth friend returns from the clubhouse and asks, "What are you guys talking about?"

        "We're just talking about how successful our sons are," one of them replies.

        "Well, my son is doing very well," says the fourth man, "He's a successful politician."

        "In fact, just last week... "

        "He received a huge portfolio, a Ferrari, and a million-dollar home."
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      • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
        What's the secret to having a smoking hot body as a senior?

        Cremation.
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      • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
        A priest and a lawyer walk into a bakery...

        The lawyer looks around shrewdly, grabs three freshly baked buns, and quickly slips them into his pockets.

        He then tells the priest, "That took great skill to steal those buns... "
        "The owner didn't even see me."

        The priest replies, "That's just simple thievery, I will show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results."

        The priest then proceeds to call out to the owner of the bakery, "Sir, I want to show you a miracle of the lord."

        Curious and slightly skeptical, the owner wipes his hands on his apron and approaches the priest...

        "A miracle, you say? Alright, I'm listening," he replies.

        The priest asks for a bun, which the owner hands over without hesitation...

        The priest then steps outside and gives the bun to a homeless man sitting by the door, who accepts it gratefully.

        Returning inside, the priest asks for another bun, repeating the process, and then does so a third time...

        Each time, the owner obliges, albeit with growing curiosity.

        Finally, after the third bun has been given away, the owner, puzzled but patient, asks,

        "Alright, Father, I've seen you give away three of my buns... "

        "Now, where's the miracle you promised?"

        The priest replies...

        "Look in the lawyer's pockets."
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      • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
        An old preacher was dying...

        He sent a message for two church members, a banker and a lawyer, to come to his home.

        When they arrived, they were ushered to his bedroom...

        As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands, then motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.

        The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling...

        For a time, no one said anything.

        Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments.

        However, they were also puzzled, as the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them.

        They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons...
        about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.

        Finally, the banker said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"

        The old preacher mustered up his strength, then weakly said, "I want to die as Jesus died...
        between two thieves!"
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      • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
        A man from Texas strides into a bar, his cowboy hat slightly tilted and a broad grin on his face...

        The place is buzzing with conversations and laughter, but he quickly captures everyone's attention when he climbs onto a stool and clears his throat.

        "Listen up, y'all!" he calls out, his voice booming, "I've got some big news! My wife just gave birth to a typical Texas baby boy... "

        "And he weighed in at a whopping twenty pounds!"

        The bar erupts in cheers and applause...


        The patrons are amazed at the size of the baby boy.
        Two weeks later, the same Texan returns to the bar, his presence immediately recognized by the patrons.

        As he settles onto a stool, the bartender approaches him with a curious expression...
        "Hey there, aren't you the father of that twenty-pound baby?" asks the bartender, pouring him a beer...

        "How much does he weigh now?"

        The Texan takes a slow, deliberate sip from his beer. He sets the glass down and leans closer to the bartender...

        With a proud twinkle in his eye, he says, "Fifteen pounds."

        The bartender is visibly puzzled, "Fifteen pounds? But he weighed twenty pounds at birth! What happened?"

        "Well," replies the Texan as he takes another sip of his drink...

        We had him circumcised.
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      • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
        A rich lawyer is approached by a famous charity organization...

        The man from the organization is concerned that the lawyer made over ten million dollars last year but didn't donate even a cent to charity.

        "First of all," says the lawyer, "My mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare... "

        "Second, I had six kids through three divorced marriages... "

        "Third, my sister's husband suddenly died, and she has no one to support her four children."

        "I'm terribly sorry", says the man from the charity organization, "I see your point... "
        "Now I feel bad about asking for money."

        The Lawyer responds "Yeah, well... "

        "If I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"
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      • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
        Three women, two younger, and one senior citizen were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. 'That was my pager,' she said. 'I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.'
        A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, 'That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.'
        The older woman felt very low-tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end.The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. The older woman finally said... 'Well, will you look at that...
        I'm getting a fax!!!'
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      • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
        Two old friends are sitting on a bench in the park, enjoying the sunshine and the gentle breeze...
        As they reminisce about their younger days, the conversation naturally shifts to the topic of getting older.
        "You know," says the first man, leaning back and stretching his legs, "women sure have all the luck when it comes to getting older."
        His friend raises an eyebrow, curious, "What do you mean by that?" he asks, turning to face him.
        "Well," says the man with a sigh, "I can't remember the last time I was able to make love to my wife... "
        "My health's been going downhill, and it just doesn't seem possible anymore... "
        "But my wife, on the other hand, she's healthier than ever!"
        "Healthier? How's that even possible?" his buddy wonders aloud, genuinely puzzled.
        "Well," the man explains...
        "She hasn't had a headache in years."
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      • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
        A man owned a small ranch in Montana...

        One day the labor department got a tip that he wasn't paying proper wages to his employees...

        so they sent an investigator to find out what's going on.

        "Please tell me how many employees you have and how much you pay them," the investigator asked the rancher.

        The rancher replied, "My ranch-hand has been with me 3 years and I pay him $1200 per week plus a free room and board."

        "The cook has been here a year and I pay him $1000 per week plus a free room and board."
        "
        And there is a half-wit... "

        "He works 18 hours a day with no days off, doing about 90% of the work around here."

        "He makes about $10 per week and pays for his own room and board, although I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night."

        "He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

        The investigator said, "Uh huh!"

        "That's the fool I demand to speak with!"

        The rancher replied...

        "You're speaking to him."
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      • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
        GROAN!

        A very thirsty man walks into a bar and sits down...
        As he waits to get the bartender's attention, a regular sitting next to him calls out, "I'll
        have another waterloo!"

        The bartender nods and quickly prepares a tall, ice-cold drink, handing it over to the regular...

        Turning to the newcomer, the bartender asks, "And what can I get for you?"

        The thirsty man, glancing at the refreshing drink in front of the regular, replies eagerly, "I'll have what he's having, a Waterloo."

        With a nod, the bartender swiftly prepares another tall, ice-cold drink and places it in front of the newcomer.

        The man grabs the drink with anticipation, takes a long, deep swig, and then immediately spits it out in surprise...

        "HEY!" he yells loudly, "This is terrible, it tastes just like water!"

        The regular bar patron turns to the man and says, "That's because it IS water."
        Then he looks over at the bartender and asks...

        "Right, Lou?"
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        • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
          A man walks into a quiet bar and orders a cold beer...
          He takes the beer over to a table and sits down.
          After a few sips of his beer, he hears a small voice say, "nice shoes."
          He looks around, but he is the only one in the bar except the bartender, who is occupied cleaning the other end of the bar.
          The man shrugs it off and goes back to his drink...
          A few minutes later, another small voice says, "nice shirt."
          Again, the man looks around, but can see nobody.
          Concerned that his mind is playing tricks on him, he is now on guard, listening for any reoccurrences.
          After a few minutes, a third small voice says, "nice pants."
          This time he is sure it is not his imagination, so he goes up to the bartender, and tells him what has happened.
          "Oh yea, that happens all the time," says the bartender, pointing to the small bowl on the guy's table...
          "It's the peanuts... "
          "they're complementary."
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        • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
          After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
          Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots ("P") and solutions recorded ("S") by maintenance engineers:
          P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
          S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
          P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
          S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
          P: Something loose in cockpit
          S: Something tightened in cockpit
          P: Dead bugs on windshield.
          S: Live bugs on back-order.
          P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
          S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
          P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
          S: Evidence removed.
          P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
          S: DME volume set to more believable level.
          P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
          S: That's what friction locks are for.
          P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
          S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
          P: Suspected crack in windshield.
          S: Suspect you're right.
          P: Number 3 engine missing.
          S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
          P: Aircraft handles funny.
          S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
          P: Target radar hums.
          S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
          P: Mouse in cockpit.
          S: Cat installed.
          P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
          S: Took hammer away from midget
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        • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
          An old Pilot sat down in Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
          As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
          She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
          He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot - what about you?'
          She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
          The two sat sipping in silence.
          A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
          He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
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        • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
          When David and Hillary first get married, David tells her, "I'm putting a box under our bed... "
          "You must promise never to look inside it."

          For 30 years, Hillary keeps her promise and never peeks...
          However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity gets the best of her.
          She lifts the lid and peeks inside the box...
          To her surprise, there are 3 empty beer cans and $2,500 in cash.

          That evening, over dinner, Hillary can't contain her guilt any longer...
          She confesses, "David, I'm so sorry. For all these years, I've kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed."

          "But today, the temptation was too much, and I gave in and looked... "

          "Now I need to know, why do you keep the empty beer cans in the box?"

          David thinks for a while and finally says, "I suppose, after all these years, you deserve to know the truth... "

          "Whenever I am unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

          Hillary is shocked but says, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen... "

          "And three times isn't that bad considering the number of years we've been together."

          A little while later, Hillary asks, "So, why do you have all that money in the box?"

          David answers, "Well... "

          "Whenever the box fills up with empty cans, I take them to the recycling center and redeem them for cash."
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        • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
          A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
          Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
          "Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband," said the wife. The fairy moved her magic wand and - abracadabra! - two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.
          Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said, "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."
          The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...
          So the fairy made a circle with her magic wand and - abracadabra! - the husband was 92 years old.
          P.S.: Fairies are female!
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        • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
          If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas .

          Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park .

          Judge #3 was an inexperienced chili taster Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .
          Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in.

          I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."

          Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
          CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
          Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
          Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
          Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

          CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
          Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
          Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
          Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

          CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
          Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
          Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
          Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting smashed from all of the beer.

          CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
          Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
          Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
          Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac!

          CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
          Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
          Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
          Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

          CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
          Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
          Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
          Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I feel like I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

          CHILI # 7 -- SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
          Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
          Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be a bit distressed as he is cursing uncontrollably.
          Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Who cares; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

          CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
          Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
          Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili..
          Judge # 3 - No Report
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        • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
          An old Texas cowhand comes riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day...

          The local sheriff watches from his chair in front of the saloon, as the cowboy wearily dismounts and ties his horse to the rail a few feet away.

          "Howdy, stranger," the sheriff greets him, tipping his hat.


          "Howdy, Sheriff," the cowboy replies, tipping his own hat in return.

          The cowboy then walks slowly to the back of his horse, lifts the horse's tail, and places a big, deliberate kiss right where the sun doesn't shine...

          With a satisfied nod, he drops the tail and strides up onto the wooden sidewalk, heading towards the saloon doors.

          The sheriff, taken aback, stands up and calls out, "Hold on there, mister... "

          "Did I just see what I think I saw?"

          The cowboy turns around, nonchalant, and says, "I reckon you did, Sheriff... "

          "I got me some powerful chapped lips."

          The sheriff, even more confused, asks, "And does that cure them?"

          The cowboy chuckles and replies, "Nope... "

          "But it sure keeps me from licking 'em."
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        • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
          THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW IF YOU MOVE TO THE SOUTH.
          1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
          2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.
          3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before.
          4. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.
          5. Onced and Twiced are words.
          6. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!
          7. Jawl-P? means: Did you all go to the bathroom?
          8. People actually grow, eat, and like okra.
          9. Fixinto is one word. It means I'm going to do something.
          10. There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there's supper.
          11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as the Wine of the South.
          12. Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.
          13. The word jeet is actually a question meaning, 'Did you eat?'
          14. You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
          15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em.
          16. Y'all is singular. All Y'all is plural.
          17. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.
          18. You carry jumper cables in your car for your OWN car.
          19. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Cajun seasoning, Tabasco, and ketchup.
          20. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports, motorsports, and gossip.
          21. Everyone you meet is a Honey, Sugar, Miss (first name), or Mr (first name)
          22. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
          23. You know what a hissy fit is..
          24. Fried catfish is the other white meat.
          25. We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive!!!
          26. You understand these jokes and forward them to your Southern friends and those who just wish they were from the South.
          AND one more:
          27. Why did the chicken cross the road? To show that stupid possum that it CAN be done!
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        • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
          In a small town, a young man named Billy decides to buy a horse...
          He finds a local farmer who has a horse for sale and offers to buy it for $250.
          The farmer agrees to deliver the horse to Billy's house the next day...
          The following day, the farmer shows up at Billy's doorstep, looking a bit sheepish.
          "Sorry, son," says the farmer, "but I've got some bad news... "
          "The horse has died."


          Billy, surprised but calm, responds, "That's okay, just give me my money back."
          The farmer scratches his head and replies, "Well, here's the thing - I can't do that, I went and spent it already."
          Billy thinks for a moment and then says, "Alright, just bring me the dead horse then."
          The farmer, puzzled, asks, "What are you going to do with a dead horse?"
          Billy grins and says, "I'm going to raffle it off."
          The farmer laughs and says, "You can't raffle off a dead horse! Who'd buy a ticket?"
          Billy, still smiling, replies, "Sure I can. I just won't tell anyone that the horse is dead."
          A month later, the farmer sees Billy in town and can't help but ask, "So, what happened with that dead horse? Did you really raffle it off?"
          Billy proudly replies, "Sure did! I sold 500 tickets at $5 each."
          The farmer, amazed, asks, "Didn't anyone complain when they found out the horse was dead?"
          Billy smiles and says, "Just the guy who won... "
          "So, I gave him his $5 back."
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        • Profile picture of the author Kay King
          THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW IF YOU MOVE TO THE SOUTH.

          #4 - if it's a noseeum it'll just keep biting you...just like red ants....till you jump in the kiddie pool your dog has been playing in. Trust me on that one.



          Don't forget - there is a dinin' table and a kitchen table....anything else with a flat top is a 'stand'.


          Bless yore heart.
          Signature
          Saving one dog will not change the world - but the world changes forever for that one dog
          ***
          If liar's pants really did catch on fire, watching the news would be a lot more fun.
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        • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
          A married couple are driving along a highway doing 60mph, the wife behind the wheel.
          Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 20 years, but I want a divorce."
          The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to 70 mph.
          He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are."
          Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases.
          "I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph.
          He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster.
          By now she's up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."
          The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge.
          This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?"
          The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need."
          "Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?"
          Right before they slam into the wall at a 100 mph, the wife smiles and says, " The airbag."
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        • Profile picture of the author Kay King
          Oh yeah - smart woman.
          Signature
          Saving one dog will not change the world - but the world changes forever for that one dog
          ***
          If liar's pants really did catch on fire, watching the news would be a lot more fun.
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        • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
          One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
          "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
          In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
          "Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
          "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
          "God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
          "Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
          The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
          Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your a**!"
          "Amen," replied the congregation.
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        • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
          A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"
          "Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

          Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!"

          "Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"

          "Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"

          "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset.... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

          Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"
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        • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
          For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

          Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

          As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

          With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

          Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman.

          The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

          "What in bag?" asked the old woman.

          Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

          The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

          "Good trade....."
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        • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
          God looks down and notices that Adam is all alone while all the animals have companions, so he decides to create a companion for man as well.

          He comes to see Adam and says to him, "Adam, you are my greatest creation and therefore, I am going to create for you the ultimate companion.

          She will worship the very ground you walk on, she will long for you and no other, she will be highly intelligent, she will wait on you hand and foot and obey your every command, she will be beautiful, and all it will cost you is an arm and a leg."

          Thinking for a few moments, Adam replies, "What could I get for a rib?"
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        • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
          An armless man walked into a bar which was empty except for the bartender.
          He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.
          The bartender obliged him.
          He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips.
          The bartender did this until the man finished his drink.
          He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.
          The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.
          The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is the restroom?"
          The bartender quickly replied, "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."
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        • Profile picture of the author Kay King
          I realised that my 10 year old was watching too much reality TV when we attended a relative's wedding...

          As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle to the altar, he asked, "Is this where the groom picks the one he wants to marry?"
          Signature
          Saving one dog will not change the world - but the world changes forever for that one dog
          ***
          If liar's pants really did catch on fire, watching the news would be a lot more fun.
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        • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
          A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.

          "Magic Beer", he says.

          She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after that there is no one else worth talking to so she goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says,

          "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"

          "Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window.

          The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."

          He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.

          She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."

          She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

          The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk!"
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        • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
          Barium

          What a doctor recommends when his patients die
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          • Profile picture of the author Princess Balestra
            Originally Posted by Ken Leatherman View Post


            These goddamn jokes! I cain't
            Barium
            no more!!!
            An' yet they flow freely, like an eternal desiah to smile at sumthin', evin if'n it stoopid ...
            Signature

            Lightin' fuses is for blowin' stuff togethah.

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        • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
          THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:
          1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."
          2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
          3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
          4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."
          5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
          6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
          7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."
          8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."
          9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawrs."
          10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
          11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."
          12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."
          13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
          14. "The brochure statd: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
          15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
          16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
          17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
          18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
          19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put
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        • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
          The FEMA Genie & the Cowboy=
          A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains
          without water. His horse has already died of thirst.
          He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last
          breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several
          yards ahead of him.
          He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what
          looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this
          is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an FEMA ID badge and a dull gray
          dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind
          one ear.
          "Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work.
          You have three wishes."
          "I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy.
          "I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie."
          "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks
          like you're a goner anyway!"
          The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie
          is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and
          drink."
          ***POOF***
          The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen,
          and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
          "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
          "My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."
          ***POOF***
          The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare
          gold coins and precious gems.
          "OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish.
          Better make it a good one!"
          After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no
          matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
          ***POOF***
          He turned into a tampon.
          The moral of the story:
          If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a STRING
          attached.
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        • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
          After their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

          So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children..

          The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

          'A less costly alternative, ' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in redneck country) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

          The redneck said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me..'

          'Trust me,' said the doctor.

          So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
          '1?
          '2?
          '3?
          '4?
          '5?
          At which point, he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand..

          This procedure works in Texas, Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, Arkansas, Missouri, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, and West Virginia.
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        • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
          A very cranky old woman is caught red-handed, shoplifting at the local supermarket...

          From the moment the store manager tries to talk to her, she's already in full-on battle mode, giving him an earful about how the prices are too high and the aisles are too narrow.

          By the time the arresting officer arrives, she's accusing him of being late on purpose just to make her wait...

          When she finally stands before the judge, she's still fuming, arms crossed and lips pursed, as if daring anyone to cross her.

          The judge asks her, "Ma'am, what exactly did you take from the store?"

          With a defiant huff, she snaps, "Just a stupid can of peaches!" Her tone suggesting that the entire ordeal is beneath her...

          The judge, maintaining his composure, asks, "And why did you do that, ma'am?"

          "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store," she replies, as if this is the most reasonable excuse in the world.

          The judge nods, then asks, "How many peaches were in the can?"

          With a dramatic eye roll, she says, "Nine! But what does that have to do with anything?"

          The judge, still patient, explains, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail - one day for each peach in that can."

          As the judge is about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband raises his hand slowly and asks if he might speak...

          The judge, curious, asks, "Yes, sir, do you have something to add?"

          The husband, calling out from the back of the court says, "Yes, your Honor... "

          "She also stole a can of peas."
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        • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
          A blonde female bought herself a new Mercedes. She could drive the car during the day, but at night the car wouldn't move at all. She tried driving the car at night for a week with no luck.

          Furious, she called the dealership, told them the problem and they sent a
          mechanic to the house.

          The mechanic gave the car a thorough inspection
          and could not find anything wrong.

          Eventually, he asked the blonde, " Are you sure you're using the right gears?"

          "Of course I am. I'm not stupid. I use "D" during the day and "N" at night!"
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        • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
          I was trying to watch 101 Dalmatians online but then my Internet became spotty.

          I was also viewing an ad for cereal online but my internet became flakey.
          Signature

          Feel The Power Of The Mark Side

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        • Profile picture of the author Kay King
          Don't wait till you are on your death bed to tell people how you feel about them.
          At that point, you might be too weak to raise your middle finger....
          Signature
          Saving one dog will not change the world - but the world changes forever for that one dog
          ***
          If liar's pants really did catch on fire, watching the news would be a lot more fun.
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        • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
          A man arrives at the pearly gates of heaven and is welcomed by an angel who offers to give him a tour...

          As they stroll through the golden streets, the man notices an enormous room filled with clocks of all sizes and styles, each one ticking away at a different pace.

          Intrigued, he asks the angel, "What's with all these clocks? Why are they here?"

          The angel smiles and explains, "These are 'Lie Clocks.' Every person on Earth has one. Every time someone tells a lie, their clock moves forward."

          The man's eyes widen in amazement as he scans the room...

          He notices some clocks with hands that barely move, and others that seem to be stuck.
          But then, he spots a whole section of clocks where the hands are spinning at an alarming speed...

          "Whose clocks are those?" he asks, pointing to the rapidly moving clocks.

          The angel chuckles softly, "Oh, those belong to salespeople. Their clocks tend to get quite a workout."

          The man can't help but laugh at the thought and then remarks, "I'm surprised the lawyers' clocks aren't right there with them."

          Curious, the man tilts his head, "By the way, where do you keep the lawyer's clocks?"

          The angel replies, "Oh, we keep those in the office... "

          "We use them as ceiling fans."
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        • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
          Billy Bob and Luther are fishing one afternoon...

          Billy Bob tells Luther, "You know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it different."

          "Whaddya mean?" asks Luther.

          Billy Bob continues, "Well, the last few years, I been taking your advice 'bout where to go."

          "Three years ago, you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii and Becky got pregnant... "

          "Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Becky got pregnant again... "

          "Last year you suggested Tahiti, and darned if Becky didn't get pregnant again!"

          Luther asks, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

          Billy Bob replies, "Well, this time... "

          "I'm taking Becky with me."
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        • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
          Mark: Claude, do you think there is a Dyson Sphere in the vacuum of space?

          Claude: That would be the Dyson Ball
          Signature

          Feel The Power Of The Mark Side

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        • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
          A gentleman and a lady were enjoying dinner at a fancy restaurant. As the waitress attended to another table, she noticed something peculiar-- the man was slowly sinking in his chair, disappearing beneath the table, while the woman sitting across from him remained completely unfazed.

          Curious, the waitress observed as the man smoothly slid down until he vanished entirely from view. Yet, the woman opposite him didn't seem to care in the slightest, calmly continuing her meal.

          Once the waitress had finished taking orders, she walked over and politely said, "Excuse me, madam, but I believe your husband just slipped under the table."

          The woman looked up, calm and collected, and replied with a confident smile, "No, he didn't. My husband just walked in through the door."
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        • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
          A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker are captured by a tribe of cannibals...

          The chief approaches them and says, "I've got some bad news and some good news for you," his voice full of dark amusement.

          "The bad news is that we're going to kill you, put you in a pot, cook you, and then feast on you... "

          "After that, we'll use your skins to make a fine canoe... "

          The chief pauses, letting the horror sink in. "The good news," he adds, "is that you each get to choose how you want to die."

          The Frenchman steps up first...

          "I shall take ze sword," says the Frenchman.

          The chief hands him a sword, and the Frenchman holds it high, shouting, "Vive la France!" before running the blade through himself.

          Next, it's the Englishman's turn...

          "Might I have a pistol?" he asks with impeccable politeness, despite the dire situation.

          The chief, intrigued by the man's composure, hands him a pistol...

          The Englishman stands tall, salutes, and says, "God save the Queen!" before pulling the trigger.

          Finally, the New Yorker steps forward...

          "Gimme a fork!" he demands.

          The chief, completely baffled but too curious to object, hands him a fork...

          Without hesitation, the New Yorker begins stabbing himself repeatedly with the fork, while yelling...

          "Good luck with your frickin' canoe!"
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        • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
          What did one saggy boob say to the other one?

          If we don't get some support soon..

          People will think we are nuts.
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        • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
          A blonde walks into a bar looking frustrated...
          The bartender asks her, "What's the matter?"
          The blonde replies, "Well, I've got these two horses, and I can't tell them apart... "
          "I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."
          The bartender suggests, "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"
          The blonde says, "That sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."
          A few months later, she returns to the bar in worse condition...
          "I shaved the tail of one of the horses, but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"
          The bartender says, "Why don't you try shaving the mane?"
          A few months later the blonde is back...
          "I shaved the mane of one of the horses, but it grew back!"
          The bartender yells, "Just measure the damn horses... "
          "Perhaps one is slightly taller than the other one!"
          The blonde stormed out of the bar...
          The next day, the blonde runs into the bar.
          "It worked, it worked!" she exclaims.
          "I measured the horses... "
          "and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"
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        • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
          A woman strolls into a small, cozy restaurant in the heart of a southern town...
          She finds a corner booth and settles in. Craving something crispy and delicious, she orders a plate of fried chicken.

          Eager to eat, she digs in a little too fast...

          Halfway through a particularly big bite, she feels something sharp catch in her throat - a chicken bone!

          Her eyes widen as she starts to choke, her hands flailing around as she tries to signal for help.

          At the next booth, Bobby and Billy Ray, two local country boys, are leisurely sipping their sweet tea, discussing last night's fishing trip...

          Suddenly, they notice the commotion from the corner of their eyes.
          Without a second thought, they jump into action...

          Bobby nudges Billy Ray, and they both get up, shuffling over to the woman.
          Bobby, in his infinite wisdom (or so he thinks), drops his coveralls to his knees and bends over, positioning himself right in front of the choking woman...

          To everyone's surprise, Billy Ray takes his cue and starts licking Bobby's bare butt!
          The woman's eyes widen in shock, and her face twists in utter disgust at the surreal scene before her...

          In an overwhelming wave of nausea, she suddenly vomits - dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.

          Gasping for breath but relieved to be alive, she wipes her mouth, still in disbelief at what just happened.

          Bobby, ever so casual, pulls his coveralls back up and turns to Billy Ray with a grin...
          "You was right, Billy Ray," he says as he pats him on the back...

          "That hind-lick maneuver works every time."
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        • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
          Fifteen minutes into a flight from Los Angeles to New York, the captain announces...
          "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed."
          "However, there is nothing to worry about... "
          "Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."
          Thirty minutes later the captain announces...
          "One more engine has failed, and the flight will take an additional two hours... "
          "But don't worry, we can fly just fine on two engines."
          An hour later the captain announces...
          "One more engine has failed, and our arrival will be delayed another three hours... "
          "But don't worry, we still have one engine left."
          At this point, a young blonde passenger turns to the man in the next seat and remarks...
          "If we lose one more engine... "
          "We're going to be up here all day!"
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        • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
          A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it...
          and to return the next day to tell their stories.
          In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first...
          "My dad is a farmer, and we have chickens."
          "One day, we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket, on the front seat of the truck, when we hit a big bump in the road."
          "The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke."
          "The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket."
          "Very good," said the teacher.
          Next, it was Mary's turn...
          "We are farmers too."
          "We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did, we only got ten chicks."


          "The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched."
          "Very good," said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.
          Next it was Little Johnny's turn to tell his story...
          "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen... "
          "Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit."
          "She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete."
          "Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.
          So little Johnny continued...
          "Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to prepare herself... "
          "Then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers."
          "She dropped seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets."
          "Then she nailed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke... "
          "And then she dispatched the last ten with her bare hands."
          "Good heavens," stammered the horrified teacher...
          "What did your father say was the moral of that frightening Story?"
          Little Johnny replied...
          "Don't mess with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."
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        • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
          Greg and Susan, a middle-aged couple, have just landed in Honolulu, and they can hardly contain their excitement...
          It's their first time in Hawaii, a trip they've been talking about for years.
          As they step out of the airport, Susan gazes around with a dreamy look in her eyes and exclaims, "Oh, isn't Havaii beautiful?"

          Greg immediately furrows his brow, "Honey, I'm pretty sure it's pronounced 'Hawaii'... "
          "You know, with a 'w' sound," he says, trying to sound casual but unable to resist correcting her.

          Susan, however, is not one to back down easily...

          She looks at him with confidence and retorts, "No, dear," waving a hand dismissively, "It's 'Havaii'... "
          "I read it in the Woman's Home Journal. It's how the locals pronounce it. Trust me on this."

          Greg shakes his head slightly, knowing this will go nowhere...
          He's been married to Susan long enough to know that when she thinks she's right, there's no convincing her otherwise.
          So, instead of arguing, he focuses on hailing a cab, hoping to avoid a lengthy debate on their first day of vacation...

          As they slide into the back seat of a taxi, the driver gives them a warm, welcoming smile and says, "Aloha!... "
          "First time in Havaii?"

          Susan's eyes light up, and she nudges Greg triumphantly...
          "See?" she whispers with a grin. "Even the cab driver says 'Havaii'! I told you!"
          She crosses her arms, settling into her seat with an air of smug satisfaction.

          Greg looks out the window, biting his tongue...
          He doesn't want to ruin the trip, but deep down, he's certain it's 'Hawaii,' not 'Havaii'.

          They arrive at their hotel, and the driver hops out to unload their luggage...

          As he sets the suitcases on the curb, Susan digs through her purse and pulls out some cash, handing it to the driver with a generous tip...

          "Thank you so much," she says with a bright smile.

          The driver, tipping his hat with a polite nod, replies...

          "You're velcome."
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        • Profile picture of the author Kay King
          Not a joke - but made me laugh out loud....


          On a local FB group - a woman posted this:


          To the person who flipped me off at Speedway for honking at you, your phone was on the hood of your car.
          Signature
          Saving one dog will not change the world - but the world changes forever for that one dog
          ***
          If liar's pants really did catch on fire, watching the news would be a lot more fun.
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        • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
          Once there was a billionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion.

          The billionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

          One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"

          As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!!
          There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear.

          The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life.

          Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries.

          The billionaire was impressed.

          He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"

          The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter!"

          "I want the person who pushed me in that water!"
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        • Profile picture of the author DWolfe
          Old people at Weddings used to poke me and say - You're Next.

          So I started doing the same thing to them at Funerals.

          source - Nextdoor
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        • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
          Our Joke of The Day
          Our Joke of The Day
          Three women, two younger, and one senior citizen were sitting in a sauna only covered by a towel.
          Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. 'That was my pager,' she said. 'I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.'
          A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, 'That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.'
          The older woman felt very low-tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.
          She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. The older woman finally said... 'Well, will you look at that...
          I'm getting a fax!!!'
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        • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
          Little Johnny is in the backyard, digging away with a small, rusty shovel that looks like it's been through a hundred backyard adventures...

          The midday sun beats down on him, but he's determined, filling in a hole that's nearly as deep as his little arms can reach.

          Just as he's tamping down the dirt, his nosy neighbor, old Mr. Thompson, decides this is the perfect time to take a peek over the fence.

          Mr. Thompson leans over with a curious smile, "Hey there, Johnny," he calls out in his usual overly friendly voice...

          "What are you doing out here?"

          Johnny, with a face that's red and sweaty, barely looks up, "My goldfish died," he says, his voice wobbling with sorrow...

          After giving a sniffle and wiping his nose on his sleeve, he continues, "So, you know, I'm giving him a proper burial."

          Mr. Thompson tilts his head in confusion.
          He peers down at the size of the hole Johnny's just filled...

          "But Johnny," he says with a puzzled frown, "isn't that an awfully big hole for a goldfish?"
          Johnny pats down the last mound of dirt like he's putting the final touches on a masterpiece.

          He then looks up at Mr. Thompson and with a dramatic sigh says, "Well, that's because... "

          "He's inside your cat."
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        • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
          My ex-wife and I liked to experiment in bed. But, she kept knocking the test-tubes over.
          Signature

          Feel The Power Of The Mark Side

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  • Profile picture of the author talfighel
    Ken, your first joke...........Very good. Very funny.
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    • Profile picture of the author lanfear63
      Originally Posted by talfighel View Post

      Ken, your first joke...........Very good. Very funny.
      But the rest, Meh
      Signature

      Feel The Power Of The Mark Side

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  • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
    An old farmer gets pulled over by a state trooper...

    The officer lectures him on how irresponsible it is to be speeding and does everything he can to get the farmer off-balance.

    While the trooper is filling out a form, he keeps swatting at a swarm of flies around him...

    The farmer asks, "Having trouble with them circle flies, officer?"

    The trooper replies, "Yeah - why do you call them circle flies?"

    The farmer says, "Well, they're usually seen circling round the back end of horses."

    "Ah, I see," the trooper replies.

    After a minute, the trooper looks up from his paperwork and says indignantly...

    "Wait a minute... "

    "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"

    The farmer says, "Oh no officer, I've got too much respect for the police to do that."

    "Good." the trooper says.

    The farmer continued...

    "Hard to fool them circle flies though!"
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  • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
    A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.
    Nothing was moving.

    Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

    "Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire.

    We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

    "How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.

    The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."
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  • Profile picture of the author 7amoudymh
    Haha, that's a classic joke!