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Only you, darling.

by oldman35
5 replies
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Wife asks her husband
"How many women have you slept with?"
Husband proudly replies:
"Only you Darling; with all the others, I was awake!"
__________________
"You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her."
  • Profile picture of the author oldman35
    Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
    Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
    Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
    Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"


    Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
    Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
    Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.


    Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
    Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
    Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.


    Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
    Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."


    Doctor to his lady patient: "You look terribly weak and exhausted!
    Are you having your meals three times a day as I have advised?" Lady replied: "Doctor, I thought you said three males a day."
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  • Profile picture of the author oldman35
    The Funniest Divorce Letter

    Dear Wife:

    I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm
    Leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for
    Seven years and I have nothing to show for it.

    These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss
    Called to tell me that you quit your job today and
    That was the last straw.

    Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that
    I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal
    And even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You
    Ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after
    Watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you
    Love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that
    Connects us as husband and wife.

    Either you're cheat ing on me or you don't lov e me
    Anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

    Your EX-Husband

    P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are
    Moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great
    Life!

    @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
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  • Profile picture of the author oldman35
    Reason!!
    Teacher: Why are you late?
    Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
    Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
    Student: No. I was standing on it.
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  • Profile picture of the author jackbauer
    A guy dies whilst making love to his wife. A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, "Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?" The wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his arse!" The undertaker does as he is told. On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, "It ****ing hurts doesn't it!"
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  • Profile picture of the author oldman35
    A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can
    get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and
    said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.


    A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,
    "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the
    shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.

    A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How
    long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and
    said, "About an hour and half." The guy left.

    The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, d o me a favor.
    Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has >to
    wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

    A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing >hysterically.

    The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

    Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said.......

    "Your house."
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