Outsourcing my sex life

by gareth
48 replies
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I cant get laid so I want to outsource it. Somebody can come along with me on dates and do all the chatting up etc.

They have to arrange the dates, find the chicks etc.

As soon as it comes to the nookie - amscray - I'll take it from there. So you gotta talk me up, put me in a good light etc.

Basically I just want to hang around and not say much until you have the job done then I can step in - OK.

I'm looking for someone that can provide me with 5-6 hot dates per month minimum.

Please place your bids.
  • Profile picture of the author Kay King
    Gareth - you really are one sick puppy.

    So outsource - they're called hookers:rolleyes:
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    • Profile picture of the author TimPhelan
      How much would you pay me? Does that make me a pimp?

      No seriously, you want to get laid? Go after their heart, mind and soul. Become really sincerely interested in that and you will have no problem with the physical part.
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      • Profile picture of the author KenThompson
        Originally Posted by TimPhelan View Post

        How much would you pay me? Does that make me a pimp?

        No seriously, you want to get laid? Go after their heart, mind and soul. Become really sincerely interested in that and you will have no problem with the physical part.
        Tim,

        Cite your sources, please. No plagiarism.

        Ken

        PS - Kay is right. Gareth, this is your second thread, that I'm aware of, in
        which you lament about this issue. Just tap the ATM and get it taken care
        of. Only a suggestion...
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        • Profile picture of the author TimPhelan
          Well, that's just generally speaking. An opinion. How can I site sources on my opinion? Then again, some women just want sex, no strings attached type of deal. I think Gareth is looking for that without having to pay, but those aren't easy to find and then those types are usually looking for the physical attraction themselves, which poses a problem when gareth appears to be a robot.

          Originally Posted by KenThompson View Post

          Tim,

          Cite your sources, please. No plagiarism.

          Ken
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          • Profile picture of the author KenThompson
            Originally Posted by TimPhelan View Post

            ... which poses a problem when gareth appears to be a robot.
            Gareth? Care to weigh in on that one?

            Is there something you're not telling us?

            Look, you're being stubborn about this idea of not paying to
            ease your pain and suffering. When you need a doctor, dentist,
            or lawyer - you pay.

            Same concept. It's easy. Besides, going to those three is usually
            unpleasant, but you still pay.

            So... what's the problem?


            Ken
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            • Profile picture of the author TimPhelan
              Originally Posted by KenThompson View Post

              Gareth? Care to weigh in on that one?

              Is there something you're not telling us?
              Just going by his avatar. What's there to weigh in on?
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      • Profile picture of the author Fernando Veloso
        Originally Posted by TimPhelan View Post

        No seriously, you want to get laid? Go after their heart, mind and soul. Become really sincerely interested in that and you will have no problem with the physical part.
        Are you telling him to be become a psychologist?

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  • Profile picture of the author TLTheLiberator
    I just saw the movie about people using surrogate bodies staring Bruce Willis.

    It's named The Surrogates

    It was a hoot.

    People electro-shocked their surrogate bodies for stimulation & pleasure.

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    "It's easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled. -- Mark Twain

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    • Profile picture of the author John Henderson
      Originally Posted by TLTheLiberator View Post

      I just saw the movie about people using surrogate bodies staring Bruce Willis.

      It's named The Surrogates

      It was a hoot.
      That looks GOOD!
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      • Profile picture of the author TLTheLiberator
        Originally Posted by John Henderson View Post

        That looks GOOD!

        It was a good movie which prompted lots of questions about society.
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        "It's easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled. -- Mark Twain

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        • Profile picture of the author Bill Farnham
          These sheep jokes are really baaaaa aaaaa aaaaad.

          gareth,

          They say there's a socket for every plug. Perhaps you just need to do what the rest of us did when we had bouts of the same dilema....

          Lower your standards.

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          • Profile picture of the author TimPhelan
            Bingo. I was going to mention that also. I seem to remember is a previous thread that Gareth thought women over 35 or so looked "hideous".

            Originally Posted by Bill Farnham View Post


            Lower your standards.

            Signature
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          • Profile picture of the author Edk
            Having another crack at this... Get into circulation more. You CAN do it. Hopefully, sooner rather than later you'll look back on this post and be incredulous that that's where you were at once. I have faith in your ability here even if you don't. Bin there
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            • Profile picture of the author Kay King
              If the chatting is the problem, try this

              Decided that site was too racy - so try this one

              http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sex_doll
              Signature
              Saving one dog will not change the world - but the world will change forever for that one dog.

              You should always be yourself...unless you can be a Unicorn. Then you should always be a Unicorn.
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  • Profile picture of the author myeanne
    lol! How much is your budget then?
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  • Profile picture of the author HeySal
    Inflatable sheep are very cheap and you don't have to talk to them either.
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    • Profile picture of the author Lawrh
      Originally Posted by HeySal View Post

      Inflatable sheep are very cheap and you don't have to talk to them either.
      Is this what the shepherd had in mind when he told his love -

      "There'll never be another Ewe"
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      “Strategy without action is a day-dream; action without strategy is a nightmare.” – Old Japanese proverb -

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      • Profile picture of the author KenThompson
        Originally Posted by Lawrh View Post

        Is this what the shepherd had in mind when he told his love -

        "There'll never be another Ewe"
        Didn't The Platters do a song back in the 60s, Only Ewe?

        Was it Stevie Wonder who sang, Ewe Are The Sunshine of My Life (love?)?

        Oh, oh... Sonny & Cher, I Got Ewe Babe?


        Ken
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    • Profile picture of the author whateverpedia
      Originally Posted by HeySal View Post

      Inflatable sheep are very cheap and you don't have to talk to them either.
      Just be careful shearing them.
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    • Profile picture of the author tryinhere
      Originally Posted by HeySal View Post

      Inflatable sheep are very cheap and you don't have to talk to them either.
      that's a silly idea, it just needs one prick and they will deflate.
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  • Profile picture of the author Mike129
    When I read your post, It keeps me on smiling. I don't know if this real? or your just joking? I hope so but then you catch my attention.
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  • Profile picture of the author BillTamworth
    Banned
    why not get a prostitute? lol (I don't endorse this idea)
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  • Profile picture of the author Edk
    Originally Posted by gareth View Post

    I cant get laid so I want to outsource it. Somebody can come along with me on dates and do all the chatting up etc.

    They have to arrange the dates, find the chicks etc.

    As soon as it comes to the nookie - amscray - I'll take it from there. So you gotta talk me up, put me in a good light etc.

    Basically I just want to hang around and not say much until you have the job done then I can step in - OK.

    I'm looking for someone that can provide me with 5-6 hot dates per month minimum.

    Please place your bids.
    'Can't get laid' seems like rubbish to me. No-one's going to big you up, then you move in, so to speak. Learn from someone who's better than you, period.
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  • Profile picture of the author kursat
    Some great ideas here, so just to add a few more.

    "aim low to guarantee"
    "wait till you are the last guy in the bar, you would have more chances of a woman picking you up"
    "there is no ugly woman in the world, just not enough vodka"


    But outsourcing idea is also a fantastic way forward, keep us informed, how you get on
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  • Profile picture of the author fingers4hire
    Post it on Elance. If they will type 1 hour of transcription for $15 you might get a real good deal...lol
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  • Profile picture of the author Kevin_Hutto
    I hear that the Phillipines are the best for outsourcing right now :-)
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  • Profile picture of the author alpie
    PMed offer.

    Wait, I'm male... and don't fit the criteria.
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  • Profile picture of the author ian sison
    haha..you just need sex.. =)
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  • Profile picture of the author R Hagel
    I s'pose there's another alternative to consider. Just admit you're not cut out for this whole sex thing, cut your losses, and read this:

    How to Become a Monk | eHow.com


    Cheers,
    Becky
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  • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
    Gareth it is really only a matter of you getting the situation in hand.

    Ken
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    • Profile picture of the author Lawrh
      Originally Posted by Ken Leatherman View Post

      Gareth it is really only a matter of you getting the situation in hand.

      Ken
      That could be part of the problem. If you visit the blog in his sig, you'll see he puts in a lot of effort with grip exercisers. He may be hurting himself.
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      “Strategy without action is a day-dream; action without strategy is a nightmare.” – Old Japanese proverb -

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  • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
    ROFLMAO
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  • Profile picture of the author peterzeller
    Man is this the funniest thread ever?

    So funny but... so true! Working 60 hours a week in front of your computer well, I am just missing time here Would be great if I could have someone to take care of the chit chat and be there only when it counts
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    • Profile picture of the author waterotter
      LMAO.............I think Ken_Caudill outsourced it for you!!!


      Re: how to deal with love. =)
      Quote:
      Originally Posted by ian sison
      yup and lots of experience..pretty much the hurtful ones.. so how can i help you.. =)
      I'm doing alright, but there's a guy named Gareth who needs your expertise.

      He's in this thread:

      Outsourcing my sex life

      Hurry. It's an emergency.
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  • Profile picture of the author Clyde
    I don't know about you but I'm not THAT into getting "sloppy seconds".

    Either way, just make sure the first guy wore a rubber. Sort of a rule.
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  • Profile picture of the author mattlaclear
    A watched pot never boils. You go out looking to "get laid" and you'll go home disappointed almost every time. But if you go out to meet new people for the sake of enjoying their company you'll usually be able to achieve that goal. Do that enough and you'll eventually end up successful with your other goal too.

    Plus quit looking for "chicks". It puts you in the wrong mindset right from the beginning. Instead look for bright, fun women who are fun to hang out with.

    Now go shape up your game and quit lamenting publicly over your lack of success in the sack. Losers are not always whiners, but whiners are never winners.
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    • Profile picture of the author Kay King
      someone to take care of the chit chat and be there only when it counts
      You and gareth Problem is you are looking for someTHING, not someONE.

      That's why outsourcing is suggested. If you clearly don't get it - you won't get "it" either.
      Signature
      Saving one dog will not change the world - but the world will change forever for that one dog.

      You should always be yourself...unless you can be a Unicorn. Then you should always be a Unicorn.
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  • Profile picture of the author gareth
    No you guys don't get - I need to find a wife
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  • Profile picture of the author mattlaclear
    So your idea of finding a wife involves having something else get her ready for intercourse then letting you take over? Good luck on that.
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  • Profile picture of the author PeterDunin
    Not being funny mate but it sounds like your looking for a pimp!My advice is to stop looking for it and that's when you'll find it!
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  • Profile picture of the author webpageguru
    Join a rugby club! Bound to find a nice sheila that way.

    They do still play rugby in NZ dont they??

    Aussie, Aussie Aussie!
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  • Profile picture of the author gareth
    I must play the field first. I read this article - the average woman in my country must date 80 men before she finds a suitable husband.

    What kind of bloody ho dates 80 men ?
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    • Profile picture of the author Bill Farnham
      Originally Posted by gareth View Post

      No you guys don't get - I need to find a wife
      Originally Posted by gareth View Post

      I must play the field first. I read this article - the average woman in my country must date 80 men before she finds a suitable husband.

      What kind of bloody ho dates 80 men ?
      gareth,

      If I was in your spot I would have some tee shirts made up that said "Ladies, I'm #80" printed on the front and back and wear those everytime I went to a bar or other places where tee shirts are appropriate.

      You'll get a lot of women asking you what your tee shirt means and then you'll be able to strike up a conversation on the spot.

      Who knows, the 80th woman you meet may be the one...

      ~Bill
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    • Profile picture of the author JustMint
      Originally Posted by gareth View Post

      I must play the field first. I read this article - the average woman in my country must date 80 men before she finds a suitable husband.

      What kind of bloody ho dates 80 men ?
      Gareth, get with the program buddy. Starting to see why you may be having problems.
      Perhaps you should:

      a. Get out more
      b. Not refer to women who's number of dates with men exceeds the total number of women you've ever known as "bloody ho"s.
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  • Profile picture of the author gareth
    Thats a good plan, and I'll get some pheromone spray & "planet of the apes" under wear.
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    • Profile picture of the author John Henderson
      Originally Posted by gareth View Post

      Thats a good plan, and I'll get some pheromone spray & "planet of the apes" under wear.
      Mate, that's the funniest thing I've read in a long time...
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  • Profile picture of the author JustinDupre
    Wow! Hahahaha.. this thread made my day.
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