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I'm sure some of you Warriors with children work as hard at being parents as you do at business so I just wanted to get your take on a situation I'm in.

I have an 18 year old daughter (19 this Aug) who smokes which really bothers me. She doesn't live with me and hasn't done since she was 3 and her mother and I parted, but I insisted on having plenty of contact with her.

In recent years we drifted apart and this year I want us to make a determined effort to re-connect so we are meeting up once a week when we can.

The problem is that her smoking is really getting on my nerves and I find myself nagging her about it which I know won't change anything. I'm thinking of asking her to refrain from smoking while we're together as a mark of respect for my wishes.

Just wondered what everyones take on this is, should I just accept that she is now of an age to do what she likes (within reason of course) or am I justified in asking her to respect my wishes as long as she is in my company?
  • Profile picture of the author MrBig
    Trying to stop her will get you nowhere. Just my opinion.
    Maybe you should ask her the reasons? Try to understand first.
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  • Profile picture of the author bilzz
    yes i also agree this is very bad thing ,and when you addicted this habit then you can't focus on health!
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  • Profile picture of the author KimW
    If your relationship is strained already,you are going to drive her further apart by harping on her smoking. Especially at that age when most young adults are trying to assert their independence. I myself am an ex smoker and have a hard time understanding why people do it other than its an addiction,but in reality she could be doing worse things to herself. If its only a few hours a week, let it go.
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    • Profile picture of the author classicseo
      Smoking is injurious to health. You should tell him that about this politely...if she really respect your..
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  • Profile picture of the author mjarel
    smoking kills slowly...
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  • Profile picture of the author Michael Oksa
    Tell her you love and care for her, that you don't want to be preachy, but you don't want her harming her health. Leave it at that, then politely ask that she not smoke around you.

    If you have a no smoking rule for your home and car, then she should be able to respect that as any other smoker would. On the other hand, if you allow smoking in your home and car, then you either need to change the rule for everyone or allow her to do it in those places.

    I used to be a smoker and my parents had rules about smoking in the house (both were smokers). If we got caught before we were 16, we would get grounded. Between 16 and 18 we couldn't smoke in the house. Once we were 18, there were no restrictions on it. At dad's house, we could smoke without restrictions, and I don't recall there being any age limit on it.

    Did we used to think having a smoker ground us for smoking was hypocritical? Absolutely! It was our chief argument. But guess what? They were our parents and that was good enough for them...and I'm glad they did what they did.

    All the best,
    Michael
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    • Profile picture of the author Manc
      Just read that Allen Carr book (no I am not an affiliate, I wouldn't know how to become one for that).

      He tells you straight away that if you tell smokers the health risks, the first thing they will do is light one up.

      The real method in his book is this - smoking is the reason you can't stop smoking, which sounds like such obvious logic, but smokers think about this the other way around.

      If you smoke, get addicted, then stop smoking, you crave a cigarette. You think smoking the next cigarette is "relieving" the craving, but all it is really doing is prolonging the craving. Thats why gum, patches and inhalers are all pointless, because you're just putting the drug back into your body.

      Maybe when you are around your daughter you could refer to it as "taking a drug" or call it not just smoking but a "drug addiction" because that is exactly what it is.

      Also, it is a lot easier to quit at 18 than it is at my age, 34. I have smoked since I was about 9 years old by the way and still smoke about 25 or 30 a day now, I am certainly not some ex-smoker goody goody and know telling people "it will kill you" is stupid because they already know this, it says it on the packet.
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  • Profile picture of the author Alexa Smith
    Banned
    Originally Posted by Epicurus View Post

    In recent years we drifted apart and this year I want us to make a determined effort to re-connect so we are meeting up once a week when we can.
    If you intend that to be a "determined effort", then forget about her smoking, at least for now, because concern about/discussion of that issue is clearly more likely to reduce the chances of achieving your primary objective than to increase them.

    Originally Posted by Epicurus View Post

    am I justified in asking her to respect my wishes as long as she is in my company?
    You're justified, obviously, yes (to the extent that you even need any "justification" at all). But that doesn't make it your wisest course of action. And it isn't. Not if you intend to make a determined effort to re-connect so that you're meeting up once a week when you can.
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  • Profile picture of the author Ian Varnava
    Originally Posted by Epicurus View Post

    am I justified in asking her to respect my wishes as long as she is in my company?
    You cannot ask a smoker to 'respect' your wishes as long as they in 'your company'. You know what they will do? They will stop being in your company.

    As a smoker my advice would be to not nag her about it, and let her be. Especially since you're trying to reconnect with her, you don't want her to associate you with not being able to smoke when she's with you, because then like I said, she'll just refrain from being with you even more.

    Now, when she is in your house, she has to respect that. She has to smoke outside. Same goes for your car. That you have 100% legitimate authority on. But as long as you guys are outside, and she's not blowing smoke in your face, I don't think you should say anything to her.
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  • Profile picture of the author Diana Lane
    I hate to admit it, but I'm still a smoker. I've had quite a fractured relationship with my mum over the last decade or two to say the least, but we're on something resembling an even keel these days and I visit her every six weeks or so now. However, family tensions are never far from the surface and the prospect of visiting her non-smoking household without being able to pop outside for a cigarette in response to it all and instead frazzling my nerves to the point where I'm likely to give her a home truth that's going to be difficult to take back would probably do a lot to put me off going at all.

    In addition to taking the edge off things, smoking a cigarette does actually relax me (sad, I know) and some of the best and most unguarded (not to mention unbarbed!) conversations I've had with my mum have been when I've been out in the garden having a cig and chatting to her through the open back door while she busies herself in the kitchen. I think she engineers these situations now - she was certainly never as domesticated when I was younger and growing up with her!

    I thought I'd offer the above as a point of view that might be similar to your daughter's, but I'm a parent too (oldest daughter will be eighteen this week) and all my kids have been threatened with Dire Consequences if they're ever daft enough to take up smoking, so I do know where you're coming from.

    I would try to take your daughter as she is for now, complete with smoking habit, but I don't see anything wrong with insisting she takes it outside. She might even be grateful for this - in my experience I think those ten-minute escapes have the capacity to prevent a lot of verbal 'clutch your parent warmly by the throat' moments

    Good luck to both of you
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    • Profile picture of the author marksdemons
      Banned
      It depends on your habbits. If you have only thirty in the course of your life, smoked cigarettes, and you have good oral hygiene, it is not possible, he would really notice. When you smoke the tar deposits on your teeth is not easy to reach areas occure.
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  • Profile picture of the author OBH
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    • Profile picture of the author seasoned
      Originally Posted by OBH View Post

      I think its not a problem if she can control...
      If she COULD control it, she would save the THOUSANDS of dollars per year, smell better, and avoid the complications of the FILTHY habit.

      So saying it is not a problem if she can control [it] is pretty silly. Of she could control it, she would STOP.

      USA today said that hotels for smokers are disappearing. I am in a hotel that tells people NOT to smoke.

      Steve
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  • Profile picture of the author ejb2059
    I'm a smoker myself ..Yes, it's a bad habit, and yes, I know it's probably killing me (but which of us is coming out of this game alive anyway?)

    Personally, I believe you need to step back and let your Daughter be who she is, and allow her to live her life whatever she see's fit .. I know it's easier said than done however, she is an adult now, and just as we had to "live and learn" so must she ..

    Which bothers you worse? Your Daughters smoking or the thought of nagging her right out of wanting to see you?

    Nagging is selfish .. Niether she, nor anyone else in your World needs to live up to and / or meet your expectations / comply to your demands ..

    Love her, enjoy her, and thank God for the relationship you've been given back

    Life is far to short to sweat the small stuff
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    • Profile picture of the author Michael Oksa
      Originally Posted by ejb2059 View Post

      I'm a smoker myself ..Yes, it's a bad habit, and yes, I know it's probably killing me (but which of us is coming out of this game alive anyway?)

      Personally, I believe you need to step back and let your Daughter be who she is, and allow her to live her life whatever she see's fit .. I know it's easier said than done however, she is an adult now, and just as we had to "live and learn" so must she ..

      Which bothers you worse? Your Daughters smoking or the thought of nagging her right out of wanting to see you?

      Nagging is selfish .. Niether she, nor anyone else in your World needs to live up to and / or meet your expectations / comply to your demands ..

      Love her, enjoy her, and thank God for the relationship you've been given back

      Life is far to short to sweat the small stuff
      You know what would be even MORE selfish? Choosing not to see your father because he wants you to be in good health.

      Also, it depends on what type of nagging it is. If you nag somebody for your own benefit, then it's selfush. If you nag them for THEIR benefit, then how is that selfish?

      That being said, I think the best answer is to set rules (within reason) about where she can and can't smoke when she's around you.

      All the best,
      Michael
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  • Profile picture of the author Patrician
    I am a carbon monoxide addict (smoker).* (give me a patch for that please)?

    Both my mother and my son object to my smoking around them - I always respect their wishes and go outside to smoke - even in freezing and rain. However what happens with that is I stay outside for the majority of the visit.

    However neither one nags me about the fact that I smoke - and that is the point here - you are just going to alienate your daughter as has been said above, if you think this is more important than having a nice, pleasant visit (relationship) with her.

    This is something I realized when my son became an adult (18) - I am not the policeman anymore - I can choose to be a his friend or I can continue to nag him pointlessly and drive him away (because he will do whatever he wants either way).

    Just as she needs to respect your wishes as far as if you say don't smoke in your house, you need to respect her right to do whatever she wants to - including kill her self smoking. It isn't pretty but that is the way it is.

    *I have proven that at least for me it is not nicotine addiction or any other chemical besides carbon monoxide that is the difference between additive free cigs, electronic cig, patches, pills etc - give me all the nicotine you got and I am still going to want a cigarette - the only thing different is the carbon monoxide.

    Pardon me I have to go out in the pouring rain to buy some coffin nails now...
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    • Profile picture of the author Kurt
      Originally Posted by Patrician View Post

      I am a carbon monoxide addict (smoker).* (give me a patch for that please)?

      Both my mother and my son object to my smoking around them - I always respect their wishes and go outside to smoke - even in freezing and rain. However what happens with that is I stay outside for the majority of the visit.

      However neither one nags me about the fact that I smoke - and that is the point here - you are just going to alienate your daughter as has been said above, if you think this is more important than having a nice, pleasant visit (relationship) with her.

      This is something I realized when my son became an adult (18) - I am not the policeman anymore - I can choose to be a his friend or I can continue to nag him pointlessly and drive him away (because he will do whatever he wants either way).

      Just as she needs to respect your wishes as far as if you say don't smoke in your house, you need to respect her right to do whatever she wants to - including kill her self smoking. It isn't pretty but that is the way it is.

      *I have proven that at least for me it is not nicotine addiction or any other chemical besides carbon monoxide that is the difference between additive free cigs, electronic cig, patches, pills etc - give me all the nicotine you got and I am still going to want a cigarette - the only thing different is the carbon monoxide.

      Pardon me I have to go out in the pouring rain to buy some coffin nails now...
      I quit smoking about 8 years ago, but I'll still go hang out with the smokers in the famly outside, because they are the most interesting and cool members of the family.

      While smoking isn't good, I do miss the social interaction you get with other smokers. And the smoke doesn't bother me one way or the other.
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      • Profile picture of the author MikeAmbrosio
        Originally Posted by Kurt View Post

        I quit smoking about 8 years ago, but I'll still go hang out with the smokers in the famly outside, because they are the most interesting and cool members of the family.

        While smoking isn't good, I do miss the social interaction you get with other smokers. And the smoke doesn't bother me one way or the other.
        I quit 11 years ago and feel the same way. Both my sisters smoke, so does my brother. When we have family gatherings, I hang outside with the smokers.

        As long as someone is not directly blowing smoke in my face, it doesn't bother me either.

        Michael - I have 2 sons, both were smokers, and both lived with their mother, apart from me since they were 6 and 4. They visit weekly, even now at 22 and 20.

        My oldest quit 2 years ago and my younger just this past January. I also voiced my opinion about their smoking, but never harped. I never smoked in front of them when they were young. Never. And their mother never smoked at all, so it's not something they grew up around.

        However, they always knew that smoking inside my house was off limits. Outside or don't. When they were old enough to borrow my car, they were not allowed to smoke in it - and I would know if they did

        But I also never felt it was my "duty" as a parent to continuously warn them of the dangers of smoking. They knew the dangers, so repeating myself would never do any good. Then it becomes simply nagging.

        Besides, if I felt compelled to warn my kids of every danger they face on a day to day basis just living their lives, we'd never have a normal conversation

        Driving is dangerous (they both drive)
        Riding a motorcycle is dangerous (my oldest has a Harley)

        These are the types of things we had conversations about, and I gave lessons in, but then you have to step back and let them learn. One thing I learned about teens in general... the amount they listen to you is INVERSELY PROPORTIONAL to how much and how loud you try to tell them something - even if it's for their own good

        Parenting. What a job.
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  • Profile picture of the author Michael Oksa
    ...you need to respect her right to do whatever she wants to - including kill her self smoking. It isn't pretty but that is the way it is.
    No, he doesn't. No, it isn't. You don't stop being a parent just because your child turned 18. You don't have to be a nag, you should still love your children unconditionally, but you sure as heck have the right--nay! the duty--to tell them how you feel about it.

    Other than that, I agree that your approach to smoking is the best. It's the same approach I used as a smoker. If there was a no smoking rule at a house or business, I would respect it, and smoke outside. I didn't care. If I was having a nic fit, it was going to be taken care of.

    All the best,
    Michael
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  • Profile picture of the author Patrician
    Michael - really - I am entitled to believe what I believe and I am telling you from experience. I have been a parent a lot longer than you have. (and I had a fascist for a parent who has driven every one of her kids away - and so I know both sides).

    It's ok if you don't agree. That's your right.

    I have no right to impose my beliefs on anyone else. I have no 'duty' as a parent other than to love my son unconditionally which I do -

    I love my son and I choose to have him in my life whenever he can squeeze me in to his.

    If I disagree with his choices that is my problem. I am not going to make it a problem where he will not want to be around me because I am causing a conflict (or giving him a 'headache' with my smoke).
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    • Profile picture of the author Michael Oksa
      Originally Posted by Patrician View Post

      Michael - really - I am entitled to believe what I believe and I am telling you from experience. I have been a parent a lot longer than you have. (and I had a fascist for a parent who has driven every one of her kids away - and so I know both sides).

      It's ok if you don't agree. That's your right.

      I have no right to impose my beliefs on anyone else. I have no 'duty' as a parent other than to love my son unconditionally which I do -

      I love my son and I choose to have him in my life whenever he can squeeze me in to his.

      If I disagree with his choices that is my problem. I am not going to make it a problem where he will not want to be around me because I am causing a conflict (or giving him a 'headache' with my smoke).
      The idea that you all of a sudden can't tell your kids what you think because they turn 18 is nonsense. If you think something could harm them, why wouldn't you speak up? I would say doing so falls under the umbrella of love - you tell them BECAUSE you love them - even IF telling them could make them uncomfortable.

      Also, I'm not saying the OP should constantly harp on his daughter, but I also don't think he should be quiet about being concerned about her health. Of course, it all depneds on HOW it's handled, and there can be a fine line.

      Telling your child how you feel is not the same as imposing your beliefs on them, it's just expressing concern.

      I'm not suggesting anybody make it a problem.

      So, how old is/are your kid/kids? I'm just curious how much longer you've been a parent.

      All the best,
      Michael
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  • Profile picture of the author Patrician
    LOL. I couldn't say without giving away my age. Just take my word for it, ok, I don't lie.

    Just as your experience is different from mine - both as the child with different parents and being the parent, our opinions will also differ.

    From where I sit, with my kid, I will tell you that even gentle suggestions are not met kindly. I am the same way with my mother after continually being criticized and told that what I think is invalid.

    That may be why I am so defensive - not if someone disagrees or has a different opinion, but well you know it is not what you say but how you say it. To just say that what I think is invalid seems rude and combative.

    After a while of saying things the wrong way, it doesn't matter what you say anymore or how tactful you try to be as you mature.

    The last time I dared on the health platform was I said 'are you getting any exercise these days?' (noticed a beer belly) very dangerous when you are not fat anywhere else - I have read this over and over. All I can say is he wouldn't speak to me for months because what he heard was that I think he is fat.

    Even something fatal like AIDS - doesn't think it is right to discuss sex with his mommy. Subject closed.

    LOL.
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  • Profile picture of the author Michael Oksa
    Sure, we both may have different parenting styles, but how LONG each of us have been parents has nothing to do with it.

    There are some excellent parents that have only been parents for a short time, and there are lousy parents who have been parents for many, many years and vice-versa.

    So, how long you or I have been parents has nothing to do with this discussion. My kids seem to think I'm the best dad ever, and I'm grateful for that.

    Either way, I think it's cool we can each offer different advice. And what works for you may not work for me.

    All the best,
    Michael

    p.s. My oldest is 23.
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  • Profile picture of the author popescuanca
    yes smoking kills slowly....this is soo true...
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  • Profile picture of the author markleemons
    Banned
    If you've smoked only thirty cigarettes during your life and you have excellent oral hygiene, it is not likely to really be able to see. Your dental Hygenist that effectively cleanses teeth has a decent chance to know. When you smoke tar deposits occure in parts of your teeth that are not readily accessible.
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  • Profile picture of the author JohnnyEnglish
    make her eat 10 cigarettes. she won't even smell the smoke after that
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  • Profile picture of the author Epicurus
    Well this certainly seems to have sparked an interesting discussion with many points of view being expressed.

    For me it's very simple....I love my daughter and as a father I want to protect her from harm as much as I can.

    I see her smoking...and by the way she smokes A LOT, and it concerns me so for me it's just natural to voice my concerns.

    Sure I may nag and she may resent me for it but I never want to be seen by her to be condoning what she is doing - in the end that's what we as parents all have to face at some point whether it be our children smoking or their choice of partner that we disapprove of or whatever the situation may be.

    What I do, I do out of love for her and no perhaps it isn't the wisest course of action but I feel compelled as a father to voice my concerns.

    As Michael Oska rightly says, your kids will always be your kids no matter what age they are and you never let go of that caring instinct.

    I know my nagging won't change a thing so I think my best course of action is to just tell her how I feel and ask that she refrain from smoking in my company.

    After all, it's only a couple of hours out of every week or so that we meet up so I don't think it's too much to ask. I know she will continue to smoke when we're apart and that's her choice but if I don't see it while we're together at least it won't inflame the situation.
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    • Profile picture of the author Kay King
      I love my daughter and as a father I want to protect her from harm as much as I can.
      I'm sure that's how you think of it - she may see it as an attempt to exert control over her behavior/lifestyle.

      it's only a couple of hours out of every week or so that we meet up so I don't think it's too much to ask
      In recent years we drifted apart and this year I want us to make a determined effort to re-connect so we are meeting up once a week when we can.
      If you require behavior of an 18 yr old that makes HER uncomfortable when she's with you it could strain that new connection. It's only a couple hours of your time a week, too. If she is addicted to smoking she will be uncomfortable and that could damage the new connection you are trying to form.

      Focus on the person - not the habits.
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  • Profile picture of the author mackpetra
    Banned
    Cigarette smoking is the most important preventable cause of premature death in the World. Cigarette smoking is so widespread and significant as a risk factor.
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  • Profile picture of the author GrowConnect
    Smoking is really, really dangerous to our health. Even if we don't smoke but when we are surrounded by smokers still it's dangerous to us.
    So try to ask your daughter why she likes smoking despite of its worst side effects to our health. Don't try to nag her but simply ask why but tell her that you don't like it yet it's ok to smoke but not just in front of you. I know it would take a while but she would eventually stop it if you keep on reminding that it is not good for our health. I don't smoke, so that's all I could say :-)
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  • Profile picture of the author firminite123
    Don't smoke its not good to health. The main think is why your daughter likes it, better take her to doctor.
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    • Profile picture of the author Itachi
      mmh yea that's problematic , you know it makes me think about my mother , i keep telling her to quit smoking because it's bad for her health and she been smoking for what .. 30++ years that's very bad for health , her lungs must be in such a bad state so im worrying .. but i keep telling her to try to stop but she doesn't care , seems like she just ignore me and just don't give credit to what i tell her , it's annoying i feel bad for her , as someone say , smoking kill slowly .. little by little , i know how you feel , really ..
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  • Profile picture of the author :Elective-
    Loving a son without speaking to him about his inn habits is not loving him. Your letting him rot. try to strike a delicate balance between and nagging. It would work better.
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  • Profile picture of the author Michael Oksa
    Nowhere did I say you should CONTINUOUSLY harp on them. I simply said you don't have to keep your mouth shut just because they have turned 18.

    I don't think anything I said was unreasonable.

    Like I said, if you don't allow smoking in your home or car, then that applies to any children you have that happen to smoke. If you think something could harm your children, then as a parent, it's okay to let them know that you care(I didn't say "it's okay to bring it up every time you talk to them).

    I will also go hang out with the smokers sometimes.

    I do feel like a lot of my comments are being mischaracterized, but this is the OT, so it's par for the course.

    All the best,
    Michael
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  • Profile picture of the author oliviasmith
    Epicurus, as you have mentioned that she and you have not been together so it would be very difficult for you to make her understand that how much you are concerned about her and how much you love her. Well all i know that smoking overall is very addictive and bad cos i have been smoking since i was in grade5 and now i realize that I'm in deep ****
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  • Profile picture of the author ramboo
    some guys can breathe without smoking.
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