Your thoughts on my story?

...the heck? What are you talking about?

Thats cool, you'll find an audience...just keep it up..."but it's not my cup of tea",
Ricardo Matalbaum actually said that to me once about his "new" movie...The Police files...when I was working at his house.

My point is, the movie went on to be a hit..He didn't like it and he was in it.
He was a class "act"...by the way, for real...RIP

You need to find the right audience that's all..

Hell I've seen a couple of members here speaking Klingon to each other...Rofl.




I used that theme for a Kidney site in my sig...

Where did you get that background?..I like it.

Don't get discouraged.



Jim

Thanks Jim. I just found the background on the wordpress theme search. Didn't put much effort, and somehow I found a perfect fit. It's nice when things work out like that.

Joshua,

Don't let the slow responses bother you. This probably isn't the best place to ask for opinions on fantasy writing ... wrong target market, you know? It's just like IM, you have to get your offer (your writing) in front of the right target market.

I read it a yesterday, but I didn't know what to say because I never read fiction, let alone fantasy fiction. I have nothing to compare it to. I was hoping you'd get a good response because you seem like a nice guy. Perhaps if you asked in some writer's forums you'd get a better response.

Anyway, good luck!

I'm familiar with fantasy. This is my take on it.

The story line seems to be cohesive, but you need to let the writing sit for a day and then go back and edit it. Some of the mechanics are a little rough.

For instance:

I loved that first sentence. It's a full idea of the characters culture yet given subtly from point of view of the character rather than just spelled out in narrative. Very nice -- but in the follow up sentence - "where the mountains ended" - is a tad confusing making the reader think about what you mean. You just said nobody knew where they ended - now you say "where the mountains ended". Perhaps "where the peaks began" or "from this side of the range" or something such would give the reader instant understanding you were talking about on the other side of the range. Let them sink into your story instead of having to concentrate on logistics.

Also note that the word "ended" is used as a description 3 times in just a matter of a few sentences. This kind of redundancy is repeated in a few places. Several paragraphs down from my quote above there is a paragraph that at least 5 sentences start with "she".

Clean it up a little and you've got yourself a story.

@Dennis: You know, I did just that, and I'm getting fewer responses than I am here.
@HeySal: Thanks for your input. When I said "where the mountains ended", I meant at their edge. They don't completely engulf the town. But that's a fair point.

That's what she said. LOL, couldn't resist.

To be honest, when I write I don't outline at all. I just write. And I don't like doing maintenance or technical editing cuz it cramps my creativity.

I guess I'll need to find a pro editor, if I can ever afford one. LOL.

Thanks for your input.

Joshua - it's hard to edit your own writing. You're actually in the story in your head and will read right over anything that needs to be changed. That's why it has to sit awhile before you edit it.

I knew what you meant by "end" in the second sentence after a few seconds, but it stopped my eye and pulled me out of the story to think about what you were saying. Because of the reference to the end of the mountains just before it - it was dicy for a second. Readers aren't in your head as part of the story and need what's on paper to be extremely clear for them to see things the way the person creating the story sees it.

When the reader dives into fiction they give you what is known as the "willing suspension of disbelief". That is, they know it's fiction and agree to treat it as fact as long as they are enjoying and involved with the story. If the writing becomes technically rough at any point they will disengage that suspension and start thinking about the writing instead of the story -- and that's where you lose your readers.

I'm writing a fiction novel right now and it's really a pain in the patoot to go back and do edits, but it's just so easy to get carried away with the story and forget that readers don't have the picture in my head to reference - I have to build it right. I have a whole section that I have to tear up and write over so that I don't lose my readers. Then I get to start living my story again when I write.

So I know what you are saying. It's also true though that there's no reason to tell a story unless the readers are going to read the whole thing and really enjoy it. Bottom line with readers? - They don't give a flying f*** about creative processes. They want a good story. Period.

If rewriting gets in the way of your story telling, then save it for when the story is completed - but edit what you put out to the public first - they're the ones who ultimately decide if you are worth reading or not.

I actually have to keep a list on WP of character names and occupations, and any details about them - such as weight, eye color, kind of car they drive details so I don't have to go back to previous chapters and search for what I said before. Having little details like that change isn't a good thing and I got real sick of having to go back and check real fast. Maybe if I had more time to work on it I wouldn't need to do that, but it's slow work because I have to feed myself which means other priorities.

Have fun with it whatever ya do.

Sal, I see what you're saying. I agree completely. Even so, I still think it would be better to have someone else be the editor, as we tend to be partial to our own writing, and gloss over any mistakes.

But thanks a lot for your input, it's something I will be keeping in mind for the future.

I read it and found it entertaining which says a lot to me right away, since most creative writing stuff that comes my way bores me almost instantly. Right now, I'm too busy to offer and constructive feedback. What are your objectives with this story? Do you intend to make money with it somehow?

I just wanted to add there's a neat wordpress plugin by Proof of Ownership and Compliance. What do you guys think? For $8 a month I could have the copyright protection I need.

Hey, I meant well. Kind of off the top of my head, granted (if somewhat hard learned in my case). It's up to you. Good luck

Hi Joshua,

First off, congrats for getting the work done! Many would-be authors love telling others how they're "going to" write a book, yet it never gets done. So a hats off for taking action.

I'm not a fantasy-fiction reader, so I won't comment on the actual story. However, I agree with the notes/critiques above. Hopefully Tina's sample edit will give you a good idea of how to shape the story.

Two quick notes:

1. Sal is right about the incongruency. Keep in mind, too, that what you say helps set the stage. When you're in a slow-moving part of the book, you'll describe things completely differently then when you're working to build anticipation/dread or when there's a fast-moving part.

Let me give you an example...

The words "crashing" and "rocky" are "rough" (harsh) words... while "drifted" and "lazily" are "soft" words. What mood are you trying to set in this scene? Whatever it is will help you dictate your word choice. Then you can set the stage -- and your reader's mood -- simply by using words with the connotations that match your preferred mood.


2. Another thing you'll want to consider is "head hopping." Right now you're using the omniscient POV. Generally, it's easier for a reader to follow a story if they see it from one person's point of view (and usually it helps them relate a bit better to the story and make them feel what you want them to feel). You can certainly change POVs... but it's usually better to make this switch at the end of a scene/chapter so as not to jar the reader.

Let me give you an example from Chapter 3...

Only Daniel would know what he was remembering and thinking, so this line is from Daniel's POV.



Just a couple paragraphs later we get this:

In this case, only Draco could know what he was thinking... so this line is from Draco's POV.


And then after that the reader enters Ria's head (we read what she's thinking).


Ominscient vs third person (staying in one head at a time) is your choice of course... but you may get a better connection with readers (and more emotion) by letting them get close to one character at a time. And one of the ways to do that is by staying in one head for the entirety of a scene.

Hope that helps! Good luck with your project...

Becky

ETA: I want to make it clear that when I talk about POV from one person's point of view, I do not mean first-person POV. I'm talking about third-person POV, but you just stick with one viewpoint at a time. So, it would be like you have it now (i.e., using pronouns like "he" rather than "I")... but the reader would just see the POV of one person.

I hope that makes sense. I'm typing fast so I feel like I'm not explaining myself well. I hope you get what I mean!

Hey Becky, thanks for your critique! I'm always open to ways of improving my writing. Hopefully Tina's edit can give me a few good guidelines to follow in the future.

I'm a little concerned with the copyright notices though. They're only effective today, and I did post them on a couple of other forums (including a copyright at the beginning). I posted in the forums after I posted in my blog, but before the copyright stamps were made effective.

Is that going to be a problem do you think?

That's too long. Please shorten the story.

Hey man, thats a long interesting story

This is an internet marketing site. Don't think you'll be finding the kind of info you're looking for here.