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How do you deal with negative people in your family?

by waterburn
34 replies
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I have a close person in my immediate family who is very negative in general. Maintaining a positive attitude is difficult when a person that you spend time with is constantly negative.

We have tried talking about it, and it gets better for half a day. After that, it's back to the usual.

Just looking for ideas, what can I try?

I try to put myself in the other person's shoes. Trying to understand and not judge. It's hard though. That passion and happiness most people can experience when something exciting and fun happens seems to be completely missing.

Perhaps professional help is the only viable option here. Haven't seen any therapist/counseling, etc so far.
  • Profile picture of the author money bubble
    hmmm... I don't want to get into specifics, but that might require a bit more information. In my opinion, it would depend on what the real problem is whether it's relationships, money, lifestyle, ect... if it's an all over just generally depressed about the world in general, you might want to suggest some therapy. I wouldn't recommend any type of anti-depressant tho. Those things don't solve anything, just turns people into emotionless husks.
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  • Profile picture of the author andybeveridge
    I am a trained counsellor in a previous life. As the other post states. Not really enough information to go on.
    It does sound like classic self-esteem issues though. You would be amazed at just how far back the roots of that problem can go. That is why they need to talk to a trained person.
    You see you have chatted and cleared the air but the underlining problem is still there. It is a bit like pulling a weed from the ground. If you do not get all the roots up, then it just grows right back.
    Also agree with money bubble, drugs are never the answer.
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  • Profile picture of the author waterburn
    Thanks guys. It's a problem with relationships with others. I think this person feels overwhelmed by life (work, family duties, chores, etc). The result is some kind of depression, although it's not constant. It's generally a condition of indifference and non-ability to enjoy situations that others would conceive as exciting and fun.
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    • Profile picture of the author Bradley J Anderson
      Originally Posted by money bubble View Post

      I wouldn't recommend any type of anti-depressant tho. Those things don't solve anything, just turns people into emotionless husks.
      Obviously the last 2 posters have never dealt with depression personally. I've been taking my 'head meds' for a long time now, and it's made me into a completely different person that can actually function now. Even my friends and family noticed the difference very quickly.

      And quite the opposite of being an 'emotionless husk', I actually do feel emotions now. Depression isn't usually about sadness, like most people think, it's about becoming numb. If someone you know is that zoned out from their medication, obviously they have been prescribed way too much, or the wrong kind of medication. It takes a while to the find the meds that are most effective, in what dosages, and in what combinations.

      I'm not saying that medication is the answer for everyone, because it's not a cure-all. It depends on your situation, your past experiences, brain chemistry, there are a whole lot of variables that can be involved.

      Sometimes just talking to a therapist can help. Sometimes medication is used over a short period of time. If the depression is situational, this is usually the case. A lot of people, however, such as myself, have chemical imbalances in the brain, and need to stay on medications for the rest of our lives. Millions of people in the world are able to actually get out of bed each day and function because of these meds, and that's why they are still prescribed.

      I guess next you'll be quoting Tom Cruise and saying psychiatry is a 'pseudo-science'...
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    • Profile picture of the author Bradley J Anderson
      Originally Posted by waterburn View Post

      The result is some kind of depression, although it's not constant. It's generally a condition of indifference and non-ability to enjoy situations that others would conceive as exciting and fun.
      There you hit the nail on the head. If you had used the word 'inability' instead of 'non-ability', I would have sworn you copied that straight out of a psychology textbook. That, my friend, is exactly how depression manifests itself. Doesn't necessarily have anything to do with feeling sad. This is not this person's fault, this person most probably realizes s/he is affecting others, as well, and this makes him/her feel even worse, and generally this is not a condition that can be 'self-cured'.

      Avoiding this person will only make things worse for them and your family. Please see my previous post. This person needs to speak to a psychiatrist ASAP, for the sake of both their self and the family.
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  • Profile picture of the author wendyw17
    I think we have the same story, and for that reason sometimes I don't want to even talk to that person to avoid misunderstandings but it is hard since she/he with you everyday in the same house. I don't have any idea to on how to resolve our issues. I am trying to be more understanding and give a lot of patience but I'm just human.

    I think the best way is not to mind the things that he's/she's bringing up. But I still don't know the best way to handle that person,
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  • Profile picture of the author thunderbird
    Some families are vicious. I've noticed that a lot of "fine upstanding" families have a designated whipping boy/girl who is administered psychological abuse that can be all but invisible to outsiders, yet all too real and psychologically damaging to the victim. It is especially dangerous to be economically dependent on such a family, like an abused wife economically and maybe psychologically dependent on a wife-beating husband. The best thing to do, if possible, is to get far far away from an abusive family and seek help if necessary.
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    • Profile picture of the author Bradley J Anderson
      Originally Posted by thunderbird View Post

      I've noticed that a lot of "fine upstanding" families have a designated whipping boy/girl who is administered psychological abuse that can be all but invisible to outsiders, yet all too real and psychologically damaging to the victim.
      That's very true. When psychologists discuss family dynamics, this person is called the scapegoat. I was exactly that person as a child and a young person, and it caused problems for me for many years. The 'silver lining' for me was that it wound up causing me to be an over-achiever, which typically leads me into being very successful in whatever things I try to accomplish.

      Unfortunately, however, it also led to the virtual disintegration of my familial relationships.
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      • Profile picture of the author brendan9971
        Depression is a tought thing to tackle. Just keep in mind that their attitude likely has little or nothing to do with you and don't take it personally. If there's any way you can help them find some help, do it. If not, stay out of it and perhaps avoid the person whenever possible or have someone close to the person talk to them about it.
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  • Profile picture of the author waterburn
    Thanks Bradley and everyone else. No, I have never read any psychology textbooks... but it's very obvious to me. The problem is, I seem unable to help make it better. I try to be positive and supportive, but I also notice I grow tired of trying, sometimes. It's difficult for me to always be positive when I'm met with indifference and sometimes annoyance too. I hope I'm not alone in this. I think it's part of being a human being - we feed off of each other, and if you're never "fed" anything positive, well then it affects you. Am I right?
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    • Profile picture of the author thunderbird
      Originally Posted by waterburn View Post

      Thanks Bradley and everyone else. No, I have never read any psychology textbooks... but it's very obvious to me. The problem is, I seem unable to help make it better. I try to be positive and supportive, but I also notice I grow tired of trying, sometimes. It's difficult for me to always be positive when I'm met with indifference and sometimes annoyance too. I hope I'm not alone in this. I think it's part of being a human being - we feed off of each other, and if you're never "fed" anything positive, well then it affects you. Am I right?
      Seems like an exercise in frustration to me. Like trying inspire appreciation of music in a tone-deaf person. The secret is to enjoy, appreciate, and take advantage of things even when others don't show any confirmation of the existence of such things. Just because other people don't see it, doesn't mean that it doesn't exist.
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      • Profile picture of the author Bradley J Anderson
        Originally Posted by waterburn View Post

        I try to be positive and supportive, but I also notice I grow tired of trying, sometimes. It's difficult for me to always be positive when I'm met with indifference and sometimes annoyance too. I hope I'm not alone in this. I think it's part of being a human being - we feed off of each other, and if you're never "fed" anything positive, well then it affects you. Am I right?
        I'm sure you have done your best and that's commendable, but there isn't really anything you can do about it, especially if it's a chemical imbalance. It's definitely something that affects the entire family, and even close friends, as well. The best you can do is try to be supportive to the best of your ability and realize it isn't this person's 'fault'. It's just bad wiring.

        No one would ever think badly of a depressed cancer patient having to take some 'head meds', but because this isn't something you can 'see' or 'prove', a lot of people try to discount it.

        You should definitely try to talk this person into seeing at least a therapist, but preferably a psychiatrist. This can definitely get even worse, and I'm sure you know that a lot of these cases even end in suicide.

        Don't get down on yourself, either. You're not alone in feeling frustrated. It's natural to want to help a loved one, and just as natural to get angry, frustrated, etc., when you feel like you aren't being heard or appreciated for your efforts.

        Best of luck to you. Feel free to PM if you have questions that you would rather not put on the board. I was diagnosed about 15 years ago, and know quite a few others, as well, so I would be happy to share my experiences with you if it could be helpful in your situation.

        As I said, though, this person really needs the expertise of a psychiatrist. I hate to even suggest this, but sometimes it is necessary: If a person is bad enough, and you are a blood relative or spouse, you can call the police and explain the situation, and a lot of times they will force the person into being committed for a minimum of 72 hours so they can be evaluated by a professional.

        I know that sounds shi*tty, but sometimes it can save a loved one's life. Personally, I would rather go this route and have the person hate me, than find them dead on the floor someday from a self-inflicted wound, especially if children are involved.
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    • Profile picture of the author ReikiGirl
      Originally Posted by waterburn View Post

      Thanks Bradley and everyone else. No, I have never read any psychology textbooks... but it's very obvious to me. The problem is, I seem unable to help make it better. I try to be positive and supportive, but I also notice I grow tired of trying, sometimes. It's difficult for me to always be positive when I'm met with indifference and sometimes annoyance too. I hope I'm not alone in this. I think it's part of being a human being - we feed off of each other, and if you're never "fed" anything positive, well then it affects you. Am I right?

      This reminds me...

      "A story about a Navajo grandfather who once told his grandson "Two wolves live inside me. One is a bad wolf. Full of greed, full of anger, jealousy and regret. The other is a good wolf. Full of joy, compassion, and a great love for the world. All the time they are fighting inside me." The boy said "But grandfather, which wolf will win?" he answered, "The one I feed."
      ~ Christina McGady Hines
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  • Profile picture of the author maame
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    • Profile picture of the author Bradley J Anderson
      Originally Posted by maame View Post

      Sorry for being ignorant here, but what is the difference between a therapist and a psychiatrist?
      The biggest difference is usually in the amount of schooling, and how you much you pay for their services.

      A psychiatrist is certified in treating mental disorders.

      A therapist typically deals with emotions or stress brought on by situations. This is usually a short-term type of thing, such as helping someone cope with the loss of a loved one, for instance.

      Most people, because of the difference in cost, usually start out by talking to a therapist. If the therapist thinks there is sort of mental problem going on beyond an emotional stress of some sort, then they will refer the person to a psychiatrist for a formal diagnosis.

      Obviously, there is some overlap, at times, but generally the disorders are of a much more serious nature and are usually life-long.
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  • Profile picture of the author money bubble
    A phychiatrist can prescribe medication/ diagnose. A therapist can only help by listening & offering advice.

    I've been there, done that with the depression thing. I had to deal with alot of family issues as a kid & have been through therapists, anger management, & was forced to take phsyc-evals as a teen because my mother tried to say I was crazy. My family even disowned me at 15 & children services were a big part of my life because of her.

    I've been there, quit the cutting & gave up on suicide. I always turned down meds because even if I'm feeling depressed, at least I'm feeling something. The best advice I can offer to anyone dealing with depressive feelings is that if your life is not making you happy, then a change has to happen somewhere. Whether it be in relationships, atmosphere, work, finances, ect. Even the tinest change can make a huge difference in the way a person feels about their life.

    What depression does to the body is causes the seritonin levels to drop below normal causing the crap feeling. Serotonin is a neurotransmitter produced by the hypothymus in the brain & is often called the "happy hormone". Anti-depressants bring the seritonin levels back to somewhat normal, but don't really help in the long run because the body eventually forgets how to produce it on it's own & the person becomes dependant on the drug in order to maintain "homeostasis"(overall well-being"). It doesn't change the way a person feels about their life or a situation, they're just "chemically balanced" & get to a point where they can't function properly without it. That's why I don't think drugs are the best way to go. Having someone to talk to, help them figure out the root of the problem & maybe advise them on how they might make themselves happy is a good place to start, I think.
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    • Profile picture of the author Bradley J Anderson
      Originally Posted by money bubble View Post

      A phychiatrist can prescribe medication/ diagnose. A therapist can only help by listening & offering advice.

      I've been there, done that with the depression thing. I had to deal with alot of family issues as a kid & have been through therapists, anger management, & was forced to take phsyc-evals as a teen because my mother tried to say I was...
      Definitely should have mentioned the ability to prescribe meds, that's for sure. All good points, though, money bubble.
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  • Profile picture of the author usernames suck
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  • Profile picture of the author niftystats
    I ignore them
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  • Profile picture of the author Fernando Veloso
    Most of the time we talk, discuss it and we both try to explain our ideas.

    If that doesn't work, well, I just have to live with it... tinfoil hat on, and ignore mod activated.

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    • Profile picture of the author Steven Wagenheim
      I ignore them.
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      • Profile picture of the author Mike Wright
        This thread seems strangely one-sided ....hmmmm

        There are two very old and relevant sayings...

        (a) The road to hell is paved with good intentions

        (b) Live and let live

        People do not all march to the same drummer ... we are all different.
        Just because someone does not wish to join in with your agenda or
        peer group (however happy,cheerful and positive it might appear),
        does not at all imply that they are clinically depressed. Maybe they
        are just pissed off with you not listening to them and continuing to
        try to intrude into their life/work/personal space.

        In my experience I would recommend adopting (b) above ... else
        you will be proceeding down (a) without achieving anything positive
        for either party.
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  • Profile picture of the author ReikiGirl
    Waterburn, I know your situation all to well. But I have two of them and they live in the same house - it does make it difficult.

    I just don't engage them in negative banter and I've recently pointed out their constant negativity - it's a downer for sure - I just do my best to ignore them, walk away when they're engaging and do my best to be happy lol.

    It's a tough job!
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    • Profile picture of the author Steven Wagenheim
      Originally Posted by ReikiGirl View Post

      Waterburn, I know your situation all to well. But I have two of them and they live in the same house - it does make it difficult.

      I just don't engage them in negative banter and I've recently pointed out their constant negativity - it's a downer for sure - I just do my best to ignore them, walk away when they're engaging and do my best to be happy lol.

      It's a tough job!
      Of course it's a tough job...you live in New Jersey
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      • Profile picture of the author ReikiGirl
        Originally Posted by Steven Wagenheim View Post

        Of course it's a tough job...you live in New Jersey
        It's better than where I came from (Philadelphia) but not as good as where I'll go.
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        • Profile picture of the author HermanHeinze735
          Waterburn, i really do not want to disappoint you, but there is nothing much you can do, the only thing you can do to take cat or dog in your family. Pets really gives those people positive energy. I am talking of experience not just guessing.
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  • Profile picture of the author waterburn
    Thanks for all the responses, I really appreciate it.

    We are moving to a new house soon, and it's much nicer, so I'm hoping that will be a big boost.

    I am learning that it can be hard to give, if you never get anything back. I feel selfish saying that, but I think it's true for many. If you give, and you see it makes the person happier in some way, that makes you feel better as giver. However, if you give and give and don't anything back, well then we stop giving.

    That's why I think people mostly do everything for themselves. We want something back if we help others. We feel better when see the result of our actions. RECIPROCATION is the word!

    I am referring to actions in relationships, such as "love", kindness, caring, attention, etc. I am not referring to making payments to charities and such. That's way easier...

    Am I right?
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  • Profile picture of the author sarina2010
    He/she needs positive people to influence him/her. He/she just only one and if you will help each other for him/her to be positive, I don't have a doubt that in the end you will succeed.
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  • Profile picture of the author hireava
    I think he's/she's being negative may be because he/she has an issue going on with his/her life. If that happens to any member of our family, I do have a serious talk with him/her....try to listen, understand what he's/she's been going through. I tell him/her to deal with the problem, don't just ignore and let that just pass. It won't solve anything.
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    • Profile picture of the author Kay King
      I am learning that it can be hard to give, if you never get anything back. I feel selfish saying that, but I think it's true for many. If you give, and you see it makes the person happier in some way, that makes you feel better as giver. However, if you give and give and don't anything back, well then we stop giving.
      If you give in expection of receiving - is it really "giving"? I think it's crazy that people here are trying to diagnose someone they've never met or talked to - due to an issue that is so vaguely described.

      The focus seems to be on how this person's "negativity" affects the you rather than on any concrete problem or issue. If someone isn't excited about your ideas - stop sharing your ideas with that person.

      Close family member could be a sibling or a spouse - or it could be a parent who is not interested in hearing about IM constantly. We don't know what the story is. Many people are introverts or skeptics by nature - you can't change someone's personality because you want them to be more supportive toward you.

      If the "person" agrees they may have a problem, encourage them to seek professional help. If they are comfortable with the way they are - let them be who they are and deal with them on their level.

      kay

      kay
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  • Profile picture of the author waterburn
    Giving and expecting receiving - good point. I have been thinking about this a lot. I feel that in a healthy relationship, giving in the form of caring, attention, appreciation, respect, etc has to be mutual. If only one side is making the effort to provide this, the situation becomes draining, as has been the case here.

    This is a close family member issue. The person is my partner, and the situation has come about from a depression issue. Our children are affected too. We are working on it and we are talking about it in a good way. Perhaps medication will be tried at some point, but I feel like working on the communication part is the most important.

    Thanks for all feedback and suggestions. It has made me feel better to share this with you.
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    • Profile picture of the author Kay King
      If it's a relationship issue - communication will help. If the person is indeed suffering from depression - communication is just talk.

      IF depression is suspected, the person needs professional evaluation. There is nothing more frustrating when you are in a depressive mode than someone trying to make you more optimistic or telling you to "cheer up".

      No disease has been worse-named perhaps than depression - the person suffering from it can't control it and neither can you. Depression isn't someone who is disconnected or negative because they want to be - they can't help it. Cognitive therapy works well - and there are safe medicines now, too.

      Good luck.

      kay
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  • Profile picture of the author JayBay
    Try or suggest meditation, Lucid dreaming and self hypnosis.

    GL mate
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  • Profile picture of the author Scouser
    As many have said, there isn't enough to go on and I don't think it would be appropriate for you to put up too much personal details (unless you want to) but I'll try to keep it simple...

    I had negativity around me for years and really struggled with it. Especially the constant put downs - and the "what are you wasting your time for - you'll never get anywhere" type comments from people.

    They soon changed their minds when they saw the money I was making sitting at my PC while they had to struggle getting to work every morning for a pittance. They're not so smug now - they want me to teach them what I know and how I did it. They can sod off now....
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    • Profile picture of the author Joshua Gonzalez
      Interesting thread on what can be a delicate and serious subject sometimes.

      I bought Eric Idle's Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life single as a gift. I don't think it worked.

      As the old adage goes, "if you can't beat 'em, join em".
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