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Nasty Case of Spousal Sabotage-Yikes!

by benbro
13 replies
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So I've got this friend of mine who's been trying to start an online business but at every turn it seems like this friend's actions are blocked by a spiteful spouse.

The friend turned to me for advice but the situation just seems so hopeless that I don't even know what to say.

Anyone have any experience our insights they'd like to share that I could pass on?
#relationships #spouses
  • Profile picture of the author HeySal
    Yeah, I've had a relationship in which the guy tried to sabotage every damned thing I did. There is only one answer - kick em to the curb. You will never get ahead - and sometimes won't even be able to tread water against the crap they pull to keep you down. They also are very unlikely to change even if they say they have and lay off for awhile.

    If a person isn't good for you, get rid of them. Someone who actually loves you and shares your vision of prosperity will want to see you happy, blossoming, and building a better life for you both. If that's not happening, wake up and smell the coffee.
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  • Profile picture of the author PatrickP
    I have often tried to sabotage my wife's IM efforts but none of them have worked very well.


    what? No just kidding, she wouldn't even know what IM stand for

    HeySal hit the nail on the head.

    BUT there is always two sides to the story. Maybe your friend's spouse is telling your friend GET A J-O-B job instead of wasting your time on the internet and not making a penny!
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  • Profile picture of the author thunderbird
    It is not at all unusual. Many factors come into play: perception of how reality should be and feeling threatened by someone who defies that definition, the silently held notion that not merely working hard at your craft makes your work legitimate, but that your job is only legitimate if you're in a subservient position, and suchlike.
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    • Profile picture of the author benbro
      Hi Sal! Well said. It's funny...what you've said reminds me of a conversation that this friend and I had one of the first times the first time the topic came up. My friend's response was what about the kids-to which I had no answer. Definitely a good point though as far as someone who cares should want you to be happy.

      Originally Posted by HeySal View Post

      Yeah, I've had a relationship in which the guy tried to sabotage every damned thing I did. There is only one answer - kick em to the curb. You will never get ahead - and sometimes won't even be able to tread water against the crap they pull to keep you down. They also are very unlikely to change even if they say they have and lay off for awhile.

      If a person isn't good for you, get rid of them. Someone who actually loves you and shares your vision of prosperity will want to see you happy, blossoming, and building a better life for you both. If that's not happening, wake up and smell the coffee.
      Hi Patrick, ur point is valid as well. Afterall, look how many ppl fail online daily. I guess the bigger issue though is that it really is my friends passion. You know?

      Originally Posted by PatrickP View Post

      I have often tried to sabotage my wife's IM efforts but none of them have worked very well.


      what? No just kidding, she wouldn't even know what IM stand for

      HeySal hit the nail on the head.

      BUT there is always two sides to the story. Maybe your friend's spouse is telling your friend GET A J-O-B job instead of wasting your time on the internet and not making a penny!
      Hi Thunderbird, funny you said that. U hear it all the time with weight loss. Where two mates are over weight and one decides to lose weight while the other wants no part in the matter. The question is does that fork in the road really have to carry over into the bigger picture and threaten the entire relationship or is there a happy medium?

      Originally Posted by thunderbird View Post

      It is not at all unusual. Many factors come into play: perception of how reality should be and feeling threatened by someone who defies that definition, the silently held notion that not merely working hard at your craft makes your work legitimate, but that your job is only legitimate if you're in a subservient position, and suchlike.
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      "Everything you can imagine is real." – Pablo Picasso

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      • Profile picture of the author The 13th Warrior
        Originally Posted by benbro View Post


        U hear it all the time with weight loss. Where two mates are over weight and one decides to lose weight while the other wants no part in the matter. The question is does that fork in the road really have to carry over into the bigger picture and threaten the entire relationship or is there a happy medium?


        The fork in the road is easy, its the fork thats stuck in the mouth of the other person who does not want to change, not ready to change, or will never change.

        Misery loves company.

        Some are content with living check to check, complaining about life with their friends, mud is warm, ya get used to it, it is a comfort zone.

        Some see ruts as normal life and sacrificing to succeed as abnormal or borderline lunacy.

        With success comes hard choices, sacrifices that are NOT going to be to the other persons liking.

        If every time you attempt to set sail, and your partner continuously puts holes in the floor of the ship, where by you can't even get out of port, a decision is going to have to be made , and I am NOT talking about ship repair.

        Two objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time.

        You simply cannot have your cake and eat it too, in some life choices, it has to be one or the other.

        Read the biographies of famous people..., count how many times they had to dump their ex to fulfill their destiny.

        Count how many times they went up against loved ones and people and everyone and everything telling them it is impossible...., some even purposely sabotaging thinking they are doing the person the best favor of their life and that when they come to their senses and sanity returns, they will be thanking them until old age for their acts of sabotage.

        Some saboteurs see themselves as hero's and are even encouraged by others as them being the sane one of the couple.

        Look at corporations, partnerships dissolve all the time for one reason or another.

        Hell, look at partnerships that where WINNING and still dissolved, like Jerry Lewis and Dean Martin, Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz, music groups, etc.,..,so how much of a climb is there for partnerships that are not winning?

        You either want something or you don't, a decision has to be made, not easy, but it will be done one way or the other.


        The 13th Warrior
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      • Profile picture of the author thunderbird
        Originally Posted by benbro View Post

        <snip> The question is does that fork in the road really have to carry over into the bigger picture and threaten the entire relationship or is there a happy medium?
        Diplomacy often works. I haven't mastered things in my own life, so can't legitimately offer suggestions about someone else's life, especially with only limited information. One thing I learned in researching for documentaries is that what is good for one person may be extremely harmful to another.
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  • Profile picture of the author Suthan M
    I used to have my whole family sabotaging me when i first started.. From the internet line, the the time allocated for me on PC, and the constant abuse and tantrum thrown my way..

    I didnt "kick them to the curb" though..

    I explained what I want to do.. Ask for time and provided my "stats" when the deadline was approached, and kept on chugging no matter what happened..

    They learnt to back off after that
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  • Profile picture of the author albertosm
    do unto others what they did to you
    do the same thing to her
    pay-back
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  • Profile picture of the author mongsky
    at least i'm not the only one
    albertosm is right, i did the same to my girlfriend who tried to trash my business, now she can't even get a job
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  • Profile picture of the author I.M.Retired
    albertosm: I think the quote you are referring to is "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" - otherwise known as 'The Golden Rule.'

    For mongsky: 'As you sow, so shall you reap.'

    Commonly referred to as 'What goes around, comes around.'

    Sticking it to another person is never the higher choice, no matter how good it feels or how right it seems at the time.
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  • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
    Ben an open discussion between your friend and his spouse, can often keep the split in the road from happening.

    As you know this is often time called compromise. But in order to reach a compromise both sides have to understand where the other side is coming from and that can take the help of a professional councilor. After 48 years of marriage (yes to the same woman) we still have some sort of comprise on a daily basis.

    And one of the major compromises was my IM. Eventually we worked it out and it came down to my wife realizing I had a deep passion for IM and me understanding she had a deep need for the security of a regular pay check.

    Once she saw my IM income exceeding my monthly paycheck and how happy I was pursuing this as a new goal in my life; she began taking an interest and supporting me in my endeavors. After the last five years of success the discussion never comes up. (Unless she wants to go shopping and wants me to raid my PayPal account)

    I'm a little shocked to see how many folks in their post mentioned dumping a spiteful spouse. Folks, I just don't think we have enough information to advise doing this, especially where children are involved.

    Ben, you sir, are treading where angels fear to tread. What are you going to do when this guys wife finds out your going on an IM forum and seeking advice to give to her husband? And don't think it can't happen. Let your friend and wife get in a very heated moment and there is a good chance your friend will throw in "Ben said, IM is..."
    OMG! she gets a smart attorney and guess who gets sued for "alienating" her husband against her.

    You might want to tell your friend you really don't know what to tell him and perhaps he and his spouse should seek professional help.

    Ken Leatherman

    The Old Geezer
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  • Profile picture of the author kia123guy
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    • Profile picture of the author hblzr1
      Having experienced a similar relationship as HeySal, I agree with her 110%. I would just add that make sure that trash pickup take them away. Reasoning and diplomacy only works with reasonable and diplomatic people.

      Unless you've been in this situation, HeySal's "kick em to the curb" advice maybe hard to swallow as the only viable solution.
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  • Profile picture of the author benbro
    Very interesting points everyone. I have shared your thoughts with my friend too and all I can say is only time can tell at this point. Thanks yall!
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    "Everything you can imagine is real." – Pablo Picasso

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