An Insight Into Australia

Since there was a thread on how the Aussies are taking over the forum :-) , I thought I'd share this so you can get a bit of an idea about the land down under. Enjoy.


The following gem is by Douglas Adams of "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" fame.
It is an amazing insight into Australia - prepare yourself!

Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom half
of the planet. It is recognizable from orbit because of many unusual features,
including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its southern
edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge deep into the girting sea. Geologists
assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology and plate tectonics,
but they still call it the "Great Australian Bight" proving that not only are
they covering up a more frightening theory but they can't spell either!

The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place.
Where other landmasses and sovereign lands are classified as either continent,
island, or country, Australia is considered all three. Typically, it is unique
in this.

The second confusing thing about Australia are the animals. They can be divided
into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true that of the 10
most poisonous snakes on the planet, Australia has 9 of them. Actually, it
would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous snakes, Australia
has all of them. However there are curiously few spiders, possibly because the
snakes have killed them all.

But even the spiders won't go near the sea. Any visitors should be careful to
check inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet seats (before sitting
down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is very useful for this task.

At this point, we would like to mention the Platypus - estranged relative of the
mammal, which has a duck-bill, otter's tail, webbed feet, lays eggs, detects
its aquatic prey in the same way as the electric eel and has venomous barbs
attached to its hind legs, thus combining all 'typical' Australian attributes
into a single improbable creature.


The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants.

First, a short history:

Sometime around 40,000 years ago, some people arrived in boats from the north.
They ate all the available food, and a lot of them died. The ones who survived
learned respect for the balance of nature, man's proper place in the scheme of
things and spiders. They settled in and spent a lot of the intervening time
making up strange stories.

Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north. More
accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged and stupid people
in charge. They tried to plant their crops in Autumn (failing to take account
of the reversal of the seasons when moving from the top half of the planet to
the bottom), ate all their food, and a lot of them died.

About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It is
interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves vastly
superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie, cheat, steal,
and litigate (marks of a civilised culture they say) - whereas all the
Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast
red-hot desert, equipped with a stick.

Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on Extended Holiday
and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, caused by the
mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit
perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of their essence,
their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking inside your boots every
morning for fatal surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of
irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories. Be warned.

There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply the
nicest and best in the entire world. Although anyone actually venturing into
the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish
which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock and has venomous
barbs sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain) and
surfboarders.


However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk. As a result of all this
hardship, dirt, thirst and wombats, you would expect Australians to be a dour
lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful and always willing to
share a kind word with a stranger, unless they are American!

Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly
and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets
of corrugated iron, string, and mud. Alone of all the
races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is Greener on the other
side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact,
the other side of that fence. They call the land "Oz", "Godzone" (a verbal
contraction of "God's Own Country") and "Best bloody place on earth, bar none,
strewth." The irritating thing about this is they may be right.

There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveler, though. Do not, under any
circumstances, suggest that the beer is imperfect, unless you are comparing it
to another kind of Australian beer. Do not wear a Hawaiian shirt. Religion and
Politics are fairly safe topics of conversation, (Australians don't care too
much about either) but Sport is a minefield.

The only correct answer to "So, howdya' like our country, eh?" is "Best (insert
your own regional swear word here) country in the world!". It is very likely
that, on arriving, some cheerful Australians will 'adopt' you on
your first night, and take you to a pub where Australian Beer is served. Despite
the obvious danger, do not refuse. It is a form of initiation rite. You will
wake up late the next day with an astonishing hangover, a foul
taste in your mouth, and wearing strange clothes.

Your hosts will usually make sure you get home, and waive off any legal
difficulties with "It's his first time in Australia, so we took him to the
pub", to which the policeman will sagely nod and close his notebook. Be sure to
tell the story of these events to every other Australian you encounter, adding
new embellishments at every stage and noting how strong the beer was.
Thus you will be accepted into this unique culture.

Most Australians are now urban dwellers, having discovered the primary use of
electricity, which is air-conditioning and refrigerators.

Typical Australian sayings:-

* "G'Day!"

* "It's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick!"

* "She'll be right mate."

Tips to Surviving Australia:
* Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason WHATSOEVER.
* The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it
is.
* Always carry a stick.
* Air-conditioning is imperative.
* Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a trained linguist and
extremely good in a fist fight.
* Wear thick socks.
* Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people
nearby.
* If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at all
times, or you will die.
* Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a
core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.