I need a Proctologist

15 years ago

Now THIS is the kind of meat-and-potatoes marketing advice that the Warrior Forum is reknowned for.

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gareth

15 years ago

Gunna sell me some pills ?

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ThomM 15 years ago

Originally Posted by gareth

Gunna sell me some pills ?

You don't need pills, just a tube of preparation H
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- Ken Strong 15 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by ThomM
  
  You don't need pills, just a tube of preparation H
  
  And maybe a cork.
  
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- myob 15 years ago
  
  You really should have someone take a look at it.
  
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gareth

15 years ago

Its internal - you cant use cream

even worse its a public holiday here so i cant see a doctor untill tuesday - and it didnt feel like a peanut all night - it felt like a fricken needle.

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jimmymc

15 years ago

Originally Posted by gareth

Its internal - you cant use cream

even worse its a public holiday here so i cant see a doctor untill tuesday - and it didnt feel like a peanut all night - it felt like a fricken needle.

Why Not...that's what that little applicator tip is for and you might even dislodge that peanut.

Concrete and clay tiles are very uncomfortable seating and killer on the knees even with pads. I have a 24x24x4 piece of foam rubber that I use to sit on or kneel on in those situations. You can even duct tape it to your ass.

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ThomM

15 years ago

Originally Posted by jimmymc

Why Not...that's what that little applicator tip is for and you might even dislodge that peanut.

Concrete and clay tiles are very uncomfortable seating and killer on the knees even with pads. I have a 24x24x4 piece of foam rubber that I use to sit on or kneel on in those situations. You can even duct tape it to your ass.

Like Jimmy said.

Gareth, try the prep.h.

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Kiwigal

15 years ago

Lactolose is the answer Gareth, but stay away from crowds and handy the the loo..
Hey it is another beautiful day in Auckland isn,t it, at least it,s something to lift the spirits.

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Ken Strong 15 years ago

Hmmm... this problem definitely calls for further anal-ysis.
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- lilmechante01 15 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by KenStrong
  
  Hmmm... this problem definitely calls for further anal-ysis.
  
  LMAO...too funny!!
  
  gareth..you can always try balancing your root chakra I can also give you some visualization techniques to try
  
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- Theresea Hughes 15 years ago
  
  I'm so sorry, but I'm ROFLM*A* O heee hee hee heee!
  
  You get everything from a peanut to a potato up there!!!
  
  Now when you are all done.. and over all this, let me know if you have anything to add to these comments:
  
  A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
  
  1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
  
  2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
  
  3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
  
  4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
  
  5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
  
  6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
  
  7. "You put your left hand in! , you take your left hand out..."
  
  8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
  
  9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
  
  10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
  
  11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
  
  12. "God, now I know why I'm not gay."
  
  And the best one of all...
  
  13. "Would you write a note for my wife saying that my head IS NOT up there?"
  
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Star69

15 years ago

quote: Maybe I should have used knee pads instead of having concrete stuck up my crack for 2 weeks.

Yeah, well, HINDsight is always 20/20/...hope you can find a suitable doctor willing to take a CRACK at it.

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th0m453

15 years ago

wow must have been painfull

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John M Kane

15 years ago

Too bad you don't live near me
I've a degree in electronics and know how to use a soldering iron

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ecoverartist

15 years ago

With the kind of advice you're getting in here, who needs a PhD?

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myob 15 years ago

If you post a rear view here, there will be something more concrete that we can put our fingers on. We can then put our heads together and get to the bottom of it.
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Kiwigal

15 years ago

Ahh! so this is what is known as bum-marketing.

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ecoverartist

15 years ago

myob - LMAO

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Jared Alberghini

15 years ago

Gareth,

First of all, stop sticking peanuts up places they should not go. Food goes in your mouth, and out the other end, unless of course you want to poop out your mouth.

Second of all, you are seeking medical advice from the worst place possible. Do you have a death wish or something?

As hilarious as your condition may be (thanks for sharing) just go see a Doctor. as the Shat man says, 'Jim... we are IM'ers, not Doctors!'

- Jared

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Christie Love

15 years ago

Wow, of all places to have an issue... those are the absolute worst. A friend of mind had a huge baseball size boil in between his butt cheeks and it hurt like heck. Forget about sitting down. The doctor had a cut it open twice to get everything out, but it did work.

So, my advice to you is go to the emergency room or something. Hospitals are always open and get immediate help. Ouch.

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gareth

15 years ago

Man what a bummer, and its the middle of summer - beautiful sunshine.

Meanwhile all I can think about is my ass. I was going to do a long run yesterday but was scared it might prolapse and squirt blood out the side leg of my shorts.

Well Its a bit bigger now like half a grape, Its right on the ring so at least it only really hurts when i take a dump - then its the needle feeling.

It hurts at night and when i sit, apparently standing still can aggravate them as can weight lifting.

So the sooner I get rid of this damn thing the better.

I got this stuff called "ANUSOL" - why on earth they called it ANUSOL i just cant imagine.

Anyway i shoved it (very carefully) up my ass 3x now and frankly I dont think its done a damn thing. Also I find touching my ass repugnant let alone sticking a plastic tube up it.

Hemerroidhs suck.

PS: farting is also particularly painfull - especially those big loud explosive ones.

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Ken Strong 15 years ago

Originally Posted by gareth

Meanwhile all I can think about is my ass.

And how is this different from a normal day?
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- HeySal 15 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by KenStrong
  
  And how is this different from a normal day?
  
  It's different alright - he's usually intently focused on the appendage on the other side of his hips.
  
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  r3000 15 years ago
  
  gareth,
  curious: do you have a least favorite planet?
  
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  Dave Patterson 15 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by r3000
  
  gareth,
  curious: do you have a least favorite planet?
  
  LOL....he probably does now.
  
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  gareth 15 years ago
  
  Hang on I'm a retard 70 x 52 = 3640, 2 / 3460 = some jizmick number on my calculator that when multiplied by 400 million comes to 219780 with hemroids at any time.
  
  Cross checked by ( 400,000,000 / 70 ) / 26 = 219780.
  
  Yeah so lets say roughly a quarter of a million people have the affliction at any time in the developed world.
  
  There isnt much searching on hemroid and lets face it all people want to buy is a $10 tube of jizz. No I dont think I will bother with this market especially as after 2 weeks at max most people are cured.
  
  There is the potential off those numbers for $1,000,000 worth of anal hemroid jizz to be sold each week.
  
  Shheeeze I'm starting to feel a bit better . WooHaaa I cant wait for a few days time when its gone.
  
  Yeeaahhhh didnt even hurt last night and the swelling is way down - nothing like a good bleed.
  
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MakingMoneyAtHome 15 years ago

Originally Posted by gareth

PS: farting is also particularly painfull - especially those big loud explosive ones.

TMI, TMI.
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- Kay King 15 years ago
  
  I agree - far too much information. I'm going to have nightmares about Gareth's ass - not good.
  
  You really should have someone take a look at it.
  
  Gareth - sounds like you have a volunteer. Get your ass over to MYOB.
  
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  myob 15 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by Kay King
  
  Gareth - sounds like you have a volunteer. Get your ass over to MYOB.
  
  The only real experience I have ever had with assholes involved a swift kick with my right foot. It is a very touchy subject, so I am staying out of it. No one should be poking around in there unless you know what you're doing - and have his consent.
  
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  gareth 15 years ago
  
  Butt Date Log: Anusol three
  
  A Giant Hemerroihd has hit the inner ring of Uranus - no its my anus.
  
  The swelling appears to have reduced today by 20%. Tomorrow I will discuss the matter with Dr Proct .
  
  ANUSOL appears to be doing the job(bey). Although my underwear have giant streaks of wasted ANUSOL.
  
  The pain increased during the night and the first minute sign of anal hemmoraging was apparent in my stool this morning.
  
  Even the runs would feel like an "ass"teroid with one of these things. Some people might like that . I dont.
  
  Eating lots of pitted prunes.
  
  Captain Kork signing out.
  
  Captains Log Upthedate: Saw Nurse at university - she was brave enough to venture a look.
  
  Says its bleeding - shit - will see doctor tomorrow. This better not interfere with my weight training for too long.
  
  Problem is when you see medical people that are lazy assholes they cant wait to discourage physical exercise. Still I wont be pumping iron untill its well and truley gone.
  
  The worst thing that could happen now is if they find a bigger internal one pissing blood into my guts.
  
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  Ken Strong 15 years ago
  
  So how are things going "down under"? *haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw* CLUNK
  
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gareth

15 years ago

I am visualizing the purple varicose anal blood blister Shrinking... Shrinking... Shrinking...

Disappearing...

on the count of three

purple varicose anal blood blister ... POP !!!!

AAARRRGGGHHHH !!!!~!!!!

Mine is like "D"

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lilmechante01

15 years ago

Originally Posted by gareth

I am visualizing the purple varicose anal blood blister Shrinking... Shrinking... Shrinking...

Disappearing...

on the count of three

purple varicose anal blood blister ... POP !!!!

AAARRRGGGHHHH !!!!~!!!!

Mine is like "D"

LOL..gareth...my dear...somehow I don't see that particular visualizing is going to work

so I'll leave the offer on the thread just in case you get REALLY desparate

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Ken Strong 15 years ago

Since we become what we focus on, does that mean that everyone posting in this thread is now an... er....
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- ThomM 15 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by KenStrong
  
  Since we become what we focus on, does that mean that everyone posting in this thread is now an... er....
  
  Rated R for language.
  
  YouTube - Zappa Plays Zappa - Broken Hearts Are...
  
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  myob 15 years ago
  
  C looks much more painful than D. You'll feel much better by removing the peanut.
  
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Dave Patterson

15 years ago

Gareth...

You can cure this "affliction" with a very simple old country remedy.

Peel a potato and stick it up your ass. It'll draw the poison out.

It'll have you back to normal in a couple days.

(Hint: The larger the potato the faster the "fix")

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Ken Strong

15 years ago

Originally Posted by Dave Patterson

Gareth...

You can cure this "affliction" with a very simple old country remedy.

Peel a potato and stick it up your ass. It'll draw the poison out.

It'll have you back to normal in a couple days.

(Hint: The larger the potato the faster the "fix")

Hmmm... Uncle Dave, can we go on a snipe hunt after that?

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Ken Strong 15 years ago

Originally Posted by Dave Patterson

Peel a potato and stick it up your ass.

That's going to be my new catchphrase -- I'm going to say it to everyone I meet.
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myob 15 years ago

Originally Posted by Dave Patterson

Peel a potato and stick it up your ass.

I've been saying that for years to people that piss me off.
Never did mention the potato, though. Nice little twist.
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gareth

15 years ago

Well there is light at the end of the tunnel.

It started bleeding last night which had me worried. The same as if it was a blood nose - which is disturbing when its coming out of your ass.

So I'm just laid up for 2-3 days now.

But I just saw the doc and he ripped my cheeks apart and had a good look inside - said its the size of a pea and on one side of my sphynct. He said the bleeding is OK as it will relieve pressure and I should be fine in a week or so.

My lesson from this is to be gentle on my ass and that sitting posture and habits are just as important as standing.

Also I did some maths (please check it) say there are 800,000,000 people in the developed world, 50% will get piles, thats 400,000,000 for about 2 weeks, each person lives approx 350 weeks.

So I figure at least 2.2 million people in the developed world have bleeding anal blood blister's at any time.

I would pay $2000 slap down to be rid of this sucker in 24 hrs.

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Jared Alberghini 15 years ago

Originally Posted by gareth

My lesson from this is to be gentle on my ass

Did you really just say that? You know this is a Public Forum don't you? Your privacy is invading our public.

- J
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myob 15 years ago

Originally Posted by gareth

I would pay $2000 slap down to be rid of this sucker in 24 hrs.

Gareth,

Send me the $2,000 and I'll look into it.
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- jimmymc 15 years ago
  
  Glad you're getting better...but no more gerbils...right
  
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gareth

15 years ago

I mean when I "sit on it", before saturday I swear I never touched the damn thing.

Butt I'm kind of used to it now.

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Ron Kerr

15 years ago

This didn't happen while you were wearing a sheep costume did it?

The male kiwi fascination with sheep is well known.

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gareth

15 years ago

Quote: "Always consult to your doctor for the fast recovery of your anus."

Yes Sir, Thankyou. I'll be sure to do that.

And just to put the icing on the cake and spoil my week totally, I told this dude that had been living at my flat best part of the year the unpleasant details, then he came out of the closet and told me he is gay.

I think it turned him on - wonderful :-(

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TimPhelan

15 years ago

LOL. Now that's funny.

Originally Posted by gareth

And just to put the icing on the cake and spoil my week totally, I told this dude that had been living at my flat best part of the year the unpleasant details, then he came out of the closet and told me he is gay.

I think it turned him on - wonderful :-(

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Christie Love

15 years ago

Just checking on you since it's been a while. Did you ever get your little problem fixed?

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Dave Patterson 15 years ago

Originally Posted by Christie Love

Just checking on you since it's been a while. Did you ever get your little problem fixed?

Must have...he seems to have disappeared.
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- myob 15 years ago
  
  I think gareth finally found his soulmate. Didn't he say the guy who was hiding in his closet finally came out, and he was wonderful? We should be happy for him.
  
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CTABUK

15 years ago

I have not laughed this much since Grannie caught her nose in the mangle. Gareth said
'Well there is light at the end of the tunnel'.

So he's using a torch and mirrors!! Kinky Sod.

I have spoken to a Doctor mate of mine.

The conversation went like this...

'My mate Gareth, you know the sheep shagger in Warriors, has got a lump up his ......"

"Rectum?"

"Well, he's shoved a torch up it, so yes he probably has".

Gareth, stop winking at sheep, and try a Ram for a change, that will sort it out mate.

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gareth 15 years ago

So does everybody want to know what happened in the end ?
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Dave Patterson

15 years ago

"...in the end?

ROFLMAO!!!!

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gareth

15 years ago

Basically it bled for four days , a clot fell off and then it shrank and went away.

I finally stopped putting jizz ointment in my ass and am able to use toilet paper again.

Also can lift weights again but have not dared leg press yet.

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r3000 15 years ago

Originally Posted by gareth

I finally stopped putting jizz ointment in my ass

sounds like this jizz ointment may have some addictive properties.

does it require a prescription?
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gareth

15 years ago

Seven months with no anal problems - and now I have another hemroid in the same place.

At least this is only a little hemroid anal blood blister. I guess I will have them from time to time now if I sit on hard surfaces.