Anyone got any funny jokes?

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Hi everone,

If u have a funny joke, please reply to this thread with your joke,

This should be FUN!

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.

Teach him to use the Internet, and he won't bother you for weeks!
  • Profile picture of the author Techono
    2 peanuts were walking down the road, One was assaulted.....
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  • Profile picture of the author Techono
    Originally Posted by Melvin San Miguel View Post

    Hi everone,

    If u have a funny joke, please reply to this thread with your joke,

    This should be FUN!

    Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.

    Teach him to use the Internet, and he won't bother you for weeks!
    And you can feed him Fish and chips....
    Signature

    My new website: www.beepxtraaustralia.com.au Cash back discount Shopping card that pays me to shop globally, and it's FREE. Go to: http://goo.gl/nKzbu3 . View a short video, complete the form. (No obligation, Free. No cost.) Also looking for Sales agents and Businesses globally, to join too. Goto: http://goo.gl/1oXdz6

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    • Profile picture of the author Jacob Hargreave
      I was in the super market a few weeks ago and a little boy walked up to a little girl and said:

      "Would you like to play doctor?"

      The girl turns to him and says

      "I don't have medical insurance."

      and runs off.

      Funniest thing I ever saw.
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      Jacob Hargreave at your service...

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  • Mike Died...

    Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"

    "Whoa, what the hell happened to him?"

    "Well he was on his way over to my house the other day, and when he arrived outside the house, he didn't brake properly and boom! - He hits the curb, the car flips over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air, and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window!"

    "What a horrible way to die!"

    "No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

    "What a way to go, that's terrible!"

    "No no, that didn't kill him, he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

    "Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

    "No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and practically scalds all his skin off him."

    "Man, what a way to go!"

    "No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone, and tries to pull himself up to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop! Like 10,000 volts shoot right through him."

    "Now that is one awful way to go!"

    "No no, he survived that..."

    "Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

    "My Wife shot him!"

    "Your Wife shot him? What the hell did she shoot him for?"

    "He was wrecking our house man!"
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    • Profile picture of the author edumonsters
      Originally Posted by MoneyMagnetMagnate View Post

      Mike Died...

      Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"

      "Whoa, what the hell happened to him?"

      "Well he was on his way over to my house the other day, and when he arrived outside the house, he didn't brake properly and boom! - He hits the curb, the car flips over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air, and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window!"

      "What a horrible way to die!"

      "No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

      "What a way to go, that's terrible!"

      "No no, that didn't kill him, he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

      "Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

      "No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and practically scalds all his skin off him."

      "Man, what a way to go!"

      "No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone, and tries to pull himself up to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop! Like 10,000 volts shoot right through him."

      "Now that is one awful way to go!"

      "No no, he survived that..."

      "Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

      "My Wife shot him!"

      "Your Wife shot him? What the hell did she shoot him for?"

      "He was wrecking our house man!"
      He should have survived that too! Given the whole context, a shot shouldn't be enough to kill him at all!
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  • Profile picture of the author JoeUK
    "Ive just pulled the christmas decorations out of the loft and I found my sisters christmas present from last year I forgot to give her... It's a shame as she would have loved a puppy"
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    • Profile picture of the author tylamro
      Originally Posted by JoeUK View Post

      "Ive just pulled the christmas decorations out of the loft and I found my sisters christmas present from last year I forgot to give her... It's a shame as she would have loved a puppy"
      Lol not bad!
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  • If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

    A clear conscience is merely the result of bad memory.

    Bad spellers of the world untie.
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    • Profile picture of the author frankhill
      Three inexperienced explorers got themselves lost in the deepest part of the jungle. They were soon captured by a group of natives and put in a small hut. After being held for a day, one of the natives, accompanied by 3 of the ugliest scariest savages, came into the hut, speaking perfect English... told the first man he had a choice. He could choose death or bobo.

      The man did not know what to do… he did not know what bobo was but was sure he did not want to die. He said “I choose bobo.”

      The three warriors took him away, the drums started beating and the savages pretty much worked him over and did everything imaginable to him. When they were done they took him and put him on a path and let him go to civilization.

      The English speaking native along with his three friends, on the next day, gave the second man the same choice… death or bobo. The second man knew what bobo was because he could see what had happened to the first man. He had a wife and kids so he did not want to die. He said “I choose bobo”

      The drums began beating, and this time the three savages along with two more, again worked the second man over and had their way with him. When they were done, however, they allowed him to follow the same path to civilization.

      The next day the English speaking native along with his 5 friends came into the hut. He asked the third man to choose…. death or bobo. The man saw how his two friends were beaten, used and abused. He said “I will not go though that…I choose death.”

      The drums start beating, and the English speaking native began to laugh. The third man became angry and told him that it was not funny that he had to make the decision to choose death.

      When the native finally gained his composure and stopped laughing, he told the third man…”Death by bobo”


      Frank
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      • Profile picture of the author maclennan
        Dear Santa,
        For Christmas I would like a big fat bank account and a lovely slim girlfriend,

        Please don't mix them up,like you did last year!!





        Paddy goes to the pub and asks how much are the cocktails,
        The barman says, "$4 for a glass and $10 for a pitcher"
        Paddy says " why the F*** would I want my photo taken with a drink"




        Barman says to paddy, "your glass is empty,fancy another one" looking puzzled Paddy replies " why the F*** would I want two empty glasses"



        The police came to the front door last night holding a picture of my wife, They said "Is this your wife sir"
        shocked I answered "Yes"
        They said, " I'm afraid it looks as if shes been hit by a bus"
        " I know, but shes good with the kids!!"
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  • Profile picture of the author Magnus Koenig
    I've found this joke and it really makes me laugh.

    Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee


    - You answer the door before people knock.
    - Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
    - You ski uphill.
    - You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
    - You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
    - You lick your coffeepot clean.
    - You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
    - Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
    - You chew on other people's fingernails.
    - Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
    - You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet.
    - You can jump-start your car without cables.
    - Cocaine is a downer.
    - You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
    - Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
    - You don't sweat, you percolate.
    - You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
    - You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
    - You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
    - You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
    - You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
    - Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
    - You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
    - People get dizzy just watching you.
    - You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
    - The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
    - Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
    - Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
    - Instant coffee takes too long.
    - When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
    - You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
    - Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
    - You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
    - You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
    - You can thread a sewing machine while it's running.
    - You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
    - You short out motion detectors.
    - You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
    - Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
    - You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
    - You don't tan, you roast.
    - You can't even remember your second cup.
    - You help your dog chase its tail.
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  • So...a buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says "make me one with everything."




    The hot dog vendor, having heard this one a million times, politely chuckles and hands the buddhist a dog with the works. he says, "that'll be two dollars."

    The monk hands the hot dog vendor a five dollar bill, which the vendor tucks into his pocket.
    After a few minutes waiting, the buddhist coughs politely...

    "Yes, can I help you?" says the hot dog guy.
    "What about my change?" asks the monk.

    The hot dog vendor says. "Ah, surely you must know this already, my friend. Change comes from within."
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  • Profile picture of the author waynecans
    My face is already funny. No need to joke. haha
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  • A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC. - Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
    The driver rolls down the window and asks, “What’s going on?”

    “Terrorists have Congress hostage, and they’re asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise - they’re going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire...

    We’re going from car to car, collecting donations...”

    “How much is everyone giving, on average?” the driver asks.

    The man replies, “Roughly a gallon.”
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  • Profile picture of the author Moffey
    What's the difference between an 11-year old girl and ice cream?

    You can't use an 11-year old girl to lure ice cream into your basement.
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  • Profile picture of the author michaelcook2003
    A project manager, a computer programmer and a computer operator are driving down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tire. The three men try to solve the problem.
    The project manager said: "Let's catch a cab and in ten minutes we'll reach our destination."
    The computer programmer said: "We have here the driver's guide. I can easily replace the flat tire and continue our drive."
    The computer operator said: "First of all, let's turn off the engine and turn it on again. Maybe it will fix the problem."
    Suddenly a Microsoft software engineer passed by and said: "try to close all windows, get off the car, and then get in and try again."
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  • Two blondes with hammers:

    Paris and Nichole, decided to do some volunteer work for Habitat for Humanity...

    Nichole, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in...

    Paris, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, “Why are you throwing all those nails away?”

    Nichole explained, “When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end, so I throw them away...”

    Paris smirks at her and says, “You dummy! Those nails aren’t defective! They’re for the other side of the house!
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  • Profile picture of the author MarkJett
    Finding The Car A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then rubbing the roofs of the cars.

    The manager comes out ofthe bar and stops the guy.

    'What the heck are you doing ?' he asks the drunk.

    'I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it.' he replies.

    'So how does feeling the roof help you ?' asks the puzzled manager.

    'Well,' replies the drunk earnestly, 'MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!'.

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  • @MarkJett

    That cop must be from Gilroy, Ca. - several years back a neighborhood called the police to complain of a crazy person out in the street, burning cookies in his car, hammered out of his gourd...it was a cop (in a patrol car)



    Sometimes life imitates art...
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  • Profile picture of the author JustVisiting
    Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90% !


    It's called a Wedding Cake.

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    "...If at first you don't succeed; call it Version 1.0"
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  • Profile picture of the author JustVisiting
    85 percent of all Harleys ever made are still on the road today. The other 15 percent made it home.
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    "...If at first you don't succeed; call it Version 1.0"
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    • Profile picture of the author Paul Myers
      Originally Posted by JustVisiting View Post

      85 percent of all Harleys ever made are still on the road today. The other 15 percent made it home.
      G-d rides a Harley.

      He's the only one who can keep them running...
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      .
      Stop by Paul's Pub - my little hangout on Facebook.

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  • Profile picture of the author chrislangley
    I once dated two anorexics, ...two birds one stone
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    • Profile picture of the author TravellingMissie
      Originally Posted by chrislangley View Post

      I once dated two anorexics, ...two birds one stone
      This really had me chuckling
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      ICF Accredited Life Coach
      Health & Wellness Consultant

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  • Profile picture of the author rahhul
    yeah i have a joke if you like then plz tell me too
    Diff B/W Commerce & Science Questions:
    Commerce :
    What Is Ur Name?
    (10 Mrks)

    Science:
    What Is Ur Name & Its Origin?
    Give Relations &Applied Aspects Along With It'S Logical Significance.
    Also Explain With The Help Of Graph.
    It'S Upper & Lower Limits.(1+1+1=3 Marks)

    Banda Fail Nae Hoga To Kya Top Krega?
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  • Profile picture of the author ChargeBacks
    Unlucky Young Man

    A young man goes into a drug store to buy cond*ms.
    The pharmacist says the cond*ms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
    "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the cond*ms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that."
    "Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
    The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
    Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
    The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
    The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
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  • Actor Matt Damon was on the Daily Show tonight pitching his new movie about a guy who buys a zoo...and asked how it was to work with a bunch of zoo animals...

    The subject turned to Grizzly Bears, and how big they are..."This Bear, when he stood up, was like 12 ft. tall!...and I had never seen one before that..." said Damon.

    "My Dad went on a fishing trip to Alaska back in the 1980's, and he said his Fishing Guide was packing this Big 44 Magnum handgun in a holster...and he noticed the front site of the gun was filed down..."

    He continued: "My Dad asked him about the gun..."Is that for shooting Grizzly Bears? He asked. "Yup" answers the Guide. Dad says, "I'm curious, if you don't mind me asking...why did you file off the front site?
    And the Guide answers..."That's so when, after I shoot him...it doesn't hurt so much when he shoves the gun up my ass..."
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    • Profile picture of the author Dave Patterson
      It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow-plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift.

      This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow-plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow-plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

      After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow-plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow-plow driver wanted to know if she was alright as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow-plow when caught in a blizzard.

      The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, and was going over to Sears next......
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    • Profile picture of the author Roaddog
      Originally Posted by MoneyMagnetMagnate View Post

      Actor Matt Damon was on the Daily Show tonight pitching his new movie about a guy who buys a zoo...and asked how it was to work with a bunch of zoo animals...

      The subject turned to Grizzly Bears, and how big they are..."This Bear, when he stood up, was like 12 ft. tall!...and I had never seen one before that..." said Damon.

      "My Dad went on a fishing trip to Alaska back in the 1980's, and he said his Fishing Guide was packing this Big 44 Magnum handgun in a holster...and he noticed the front site of the gun was filed down..."

      He continued: "My Dad asked him about the gun..."Is that for shooting Grizzly Bears? He asked. "Yup" answers the Guide. Dad says, "I'm curious, if you don't mind me asking...why did you file off the front site?
      And the Guide answers..."That's so when, after I shoot him...it doesn't hurt so much when he shoves the gun up my ass..."




      That was a good story...reminded me of this one I saw (on the Net) a few years back....





















      Sign reads:



      Due to the frequency of human-bear encounters, the B.C. Fish and Wildlife Branch is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and any persons that use the out of doors in a recreational or work related function to take extra precautions while in the field.

      We advise the outdoorsman to wear little noisy bells on clothing so as to give advanced warning to any bears that might be close by so you don’t take them by surprise.

      We also advise anyone using the out-of-doors to carry “Pepper Spray” with him is case of an encounter with a bear.

      Outdoorsmen should also be on the watch for fresh bear activity, and be able to tell the difference between black bear feces and grizzly bear feces. Black bear feces is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear **** has bells in it and smells like pepper.

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  • Profile picture of the author Kurt
    I've posted this before...For those that missed it:

    Q. What's the difference between a brown noser and a butt kisser?

    A. Depth perception.
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  • Profile picture of the author JohnCorey
    I was just having a conversation with someone who is about to buy a Mac.

    I was against it and an argument started.

    I said there were too few people supporting the Mac.

    He responded, "When was the last time you heard of a virus on a Mac?"

    And I said "See, even people who write viruses don't support Macs."

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  • Profile picture of the author Royce Space
    I could tell you that I feel your pain and all that crap… but I don’t. Hahaha.
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  • Profile picture of the author DavidHall2
    On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

    When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

    Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

    "Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

    She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
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  • Profile picture of the author derekwong28
    One clear day, when Superman was cruising in the skies above. He suddenly saw Wonder Women in a suggestive pose below. Superman then made a dive towards her. But as he was within a foot off her, then KaBoom! He had crashed into Invisible Man.
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    Do not get between a wombat and a chocolate biscuit; you will regret it dearly!

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  • Profile picture of the author guptasandeep
    What is the longest word in the English language?
    SMILES: there is a mile between the first and last letters!
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  • Profile picture of the author Paul Myers
    My all time favorite...

    2 Klingons, a Ferengi and a nun walk into a bar, carrying bowling balls. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this? Some kind of a joke?
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    Stop by Paul's Pub - my little hangout on Facebook.

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  • Profile picture of the author Karen Connell
    An Irishman goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, it's me backside. I'd like you to take a look, if you would".

    So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible," he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here". Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, only to see another £10 note appear. "This is amazing" exclaims the Doctor "What do you want me to do?.

    "Well for goodness sake take it out man" shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and so on...Finally the last note comes out and no more appear. "Ah Doctor, thank you kindly, that's much better, how much is there then? The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1990 exactly."

    "Ah, dat'd be roit." says Paddy " I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."
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    Never Mistake Activity for Accomplishment

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    • Profile picture of the author ChargeBacks
      Originally Posted by Karen Connell View Post

      An Irishman goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, it's me backside. I'd like you to take a look, if you would".

      So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible," he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here". Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, only to see another £10 note appear. "This is amazing" exclaims the Doctor "What do you want me to do?.

      "Well for goodness sake take it out man" shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and so on...Finally the last note comes out and no more appear. "Ah Doctor, thank you kindly, that's much better, how much is there then? The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1990 exactly."

      "Ah, dat'd be roit." says Paddy " I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."
      "What do you want me to do?"
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  • Profile picture of the author Karen Connell
    An Englishman stops Paddy for directions... "Excuse me pal, what's the quickest way to Dublin?"

    Paddy says "Are you on foot or in the car?"

    The Englishman says "In the car."

    Paddy replies "That's the quickest!"
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    Never Mistake Activity for Accomplishment

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  • Profile picture of the author Ceciliacyprus
    What's funny? My internet earnings total so far....
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  • Profile picture of the author pengpengy
    There was a man who had worked all
    his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real "miser" when it came
    to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife..."When I die, I
    want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to
    take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise
    him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the
    money into the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the
    casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was
    sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the
    undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a
    moment!" She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and
    put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they
    rolled it away. So her friend said," Girl, I know you were not fool enough
    to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied,
    "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that
    I was going to put that money into the casket with him." You mean to tell
    me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?" I sure did," said the
    wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a
    check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it."
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  • Profile picture of the author ollarbank
    You'll have heard of the Irish terrrorist who hijacked a submarine.... asked for a ransom of $1,000,000 and a parachute.
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  • First class seat

    A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

    The rattled stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blonde is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

    The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."
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  • Profile picture of the author itsjordan
    How Do you find Will Smith in the snow?

    Look for Fresh Prints
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  • Profile picture of the author Paul9999
    Last Day on the Job It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

    When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

    At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

    The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

    At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

    She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

    When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

    When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

    As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

    "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

    He said, "**** him, give him a dollar."

    The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
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  • Profile picture of the author wirelessgeek
    I've always kind of liked this video. Astronaut Scott Carpenter talks to the President of the United States in a helium voice and frustrates a few phone operators along the way.
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  • Profile picture of the author Kierkegaard
    One of my new favourites:

    A dog walks into a bar and the barman says "get out you mutt, we don't allow dogs in here!"

    "But I'm no ordinary dog" replies the canine.

    "Oh yeah?" questions the barman, "what so special about you?"
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  • A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.
    He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
    The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
    The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"
    Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
    "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...On any land!
    No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear...do you understand?!"
    The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
    A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.
    With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
    The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs...
    "Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"
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  • Profile picture of the author powerofschool
    Theree things you must not hear the Doctor speak in an Operation Theatre.

    a) Now if this is the kidney and that is the liver, what the heck is this?

    b) Now where is Page 5 of this operation manual?

    c) Shoo Shoo black dog, come back with that piece, that's not your dinner.
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  • Profile picture of the author newsindia
    A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

    On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

    "What?" said the puzzled groom.

    "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

    "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

    Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

    Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

    Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

    Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

    Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

    Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

    Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

    Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

    Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

    "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

    "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
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  • Profile picture of the author KyleFoster
    Jealous Revenge A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.

    Well, the blonde is angry, She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

    The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The blond replies "Shut up, you're next."
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  • Profile picture of the author Dave Patterson
    A young cowboy from Texas goes off to college at UT Austin .

    Halfway through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money .... he calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Blacksburg that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk"

    That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?"

    "Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says "and I'll get him in the course."

    So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

    "So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

    "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

    "Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

    "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

    The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited

    "Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

    "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does". "Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"

    The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

    "I sure did, Dad!"

    "That's my boy!"

    The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman.
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  • The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman.
    I wondered how Rep. Lamar Smith got started...:rolleyes:
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  • Profile picture of the author shmerns
    Hey did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?

    The food is great but there's no atmosphere.
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    • Originally Posted by shmerns View Post

      Hey did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?

      The food is great but there's no atmosphere.
      LoL! - I hear they have a problem for hiring aliens as well...

      (but they do have a heckuva cheese plate)
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  • Profile picture of the author tragedy
    What is the different between hungry and horney"
    superb annswe by sunny leone"it's depnd where i put carrot"
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  • Profile picture of the author tragedy
    A bus full of wives was crashed & evry 1 died
    Husbands cried 4 a week & 1 man still crying after 3 weeks!!
    when ask y he still cry?
    "Told" MY WIFE miss D bus
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  • Profile picture of the author Fletcher26
    Birthday Present A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

    They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

    His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
    "Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

    When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

    His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

    "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

    A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

    Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

    Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

    The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
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  • Profile picture of the author derekwong28
    This is not a joke but a real event.

    A friend took his 80 year old Chinese mother-in-law to a strip show in London. She thought it was just a simple strip show. Then to her horror, naked male dancers started to come in and performed in front of her!

    She then got into a state and started cursing and making threats "Evil *******s, absolute abomination, I am to take a pair of big scissors and cut all their thingys off!"
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    Do not get between a wombat and a chocolate biscuit; you will regret it dearly!

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    • Profile picture of the author Kurt
      Originally Posted by derekwong28 View Post

      This is not a joke but a real event.

      A friend took his 80 year old Chinese mother-in-law to a strip show in London. She thought it was just a simple strip show. Then to her horror, naked male dancers started to come in and performed in front of her!

      She then got into a state and started cursing and making threats "Evil *******s, absolute abomination, I am to take a pair of big scissors and cut all their thingys off!"

      And this was the last show before the strippers renamed it "The Half Monte".
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      • Profile picture of the author Jonathan 2.0
        Two fish swim into a wall. One looks to the other and says ...

        "Dam!"
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        "Each problem has hidden in it an opportunity so powerful that it literally dwarfs the problem. The greatest success stories were created by people who recognized a problem and turned it into an opportunity."―Joseph Sugarman
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        • Profile picture of the author Jonathan 2.0
          How do you get a fat woman into bed?
          Piece of cake!
          Signature
          "Each problem has hidden in it an opportunity so powerful that it literally dwarfs the problem. The greatest success stories were created by people who recognized a problem and turned it into an opportunity."―Joseph Sugarman
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  • Profile picture of the author cathyzxy
    Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

    "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

    With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.

    The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."
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    • Profile picture of the author marksolis08
      A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

      The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"

      "Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little *******. I'll pay for everything."

      The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

      Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.

      The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

      "Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
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  • Newt Gingrich told me this one...

    A Socialist, An Illegal Alien, and a Muslim walk into a Bar -

    And the Bartender says...









    ..."What get I get you... Mr. President!"

    HAH! That Newt! What a Jokester!!!


    (moron)
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    • Profile picture of the author MissTerraK
      My son told me these (he loves blonde jokes):

      Three woman are running from two policemen: A brunette, a red-head, and a blonde.

      As they were fleeing, they ran into a subdivision where one of the houses had three potato sacks near the road.

      The red-head says, "Hey, let's hide in those potato sacks!" Each woman gets into a sack and waits...

      When the two officers came up to the potato sacks, Officer #1 says "Check these potato sacks!"

      Officer #2 kicks the first sack with the red-head inside, who proceeds to yell out, "Woof!"

      Officer #1 says, "It's just a dog. Check the next one."

      Officer #2 kicks the next sack with the brunette inside, who proceeds to yell out, "Meow!"

      "It's just a cat," Officer #1 says. "Check the last one."

      Officer #2 then kicks the sack with the blonde inside, who proceeds to yell out, "Potatoes!" :rolleyes:


      Next joke:


      A blonde is driving her SUV down a road in the middle of a desert.

      While she was driving she spots another blonde trying to row a canoe across the desert floor.

      As soon as she sees it she slams on her brakes, puts the SUV in park, opens the door and screams, "You know what?! It's blondes like you that give us other blondes a bad name! If I could swim I'd come over there and kick your a**!!


      Terra
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  • Profile picture of the author bmcgoff
    What's the hardest part about rollerblading?

    Telling your parents you're gay.
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    Are you a man under 5'8" tall? Might want to read this.

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  • Profile picture of the author Mae Rose
    wonder why earthquakes frequently happen nowadays? it's because satan is busy constructing the hell for expansion
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  • Profile picture of the author bguest
    I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline. Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck!
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  • A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.....

    She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
    She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him.
    He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
    She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.
    "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room.... "Why are you down here at this time of night!?"
    The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met."
    She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
    The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15," he said solemnly.
    Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.
    The husband pauses....... The words were not coming easily.
    "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
    "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
    The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?"
    "I remember that, too" she replied softly...
    He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."
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  • Profile picture of the author sue10
    A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
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  • Profile picture of the author powerofschool
    "I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room. The ER nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, "Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds."

    While the nurse pondered over this information, my mother leaned over to me. "Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is not the Internet."
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  • Profile picture of the author thereikid
    You know its a bad economy when....you get pre declined credit cards in the mail!
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  • Train Ride

    A professor gets on a train to go to New York. His cabin also has a poor farmer in it. To pass the time the professor decides to play a game with the fellow.
    "You ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get 10 dollars. Then, I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me 1 dollar. You ask me a question first."
    The farmer thinks for a while. "What has three legs, takes 10 hours to climb up a palm tree, and 10 seconds to get back down?"
    The professor is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, still wrapped up in the question, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the professor takes out 10 dollars and gives it to the farmer. "Alright, I don't know. What has 3 legs, takes 10 hours to get up a palm tree and 10 seconds to get back down?"
    The farmer takes the 10 dollars and puts it into his pocket.
    He then takes out 1 dollar and hands it to the professor. "I don't know", says the farmer, and he gets off the train.
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  • Profile picture of the author Mae Rose
    I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
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  • One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

    And that's how the fight started.

    My wife and I were watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes.' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

    And that's how the fight started.

    I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself."

    And that's how the fight started.

    My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

    And that’s how the fight started.

    When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

    My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust."

    And that’s how the fight started.

    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

    And that's how the fight started.

    I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

    That's how the fight started.

    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 160 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale.

    And that’s how the fight started.

    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

    And that’s how the fight started.

    My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

    And that’s how the fight started.
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  • Profile picture of the author Daniel John
    Banned
    [DELETED]
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    • Profile picture of the author Brandon Tanner
      A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

      The woman responds by screaming at the top of her lungs... "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and slinks back to his table.

      After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing public situations." To which the guy responds at the top of his lungs... "What do you mean, $200 ?!?!"
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  • Profile picture of the author adam2526
    whats a pig favorite ninja move...the pork chop
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  • Profile picture of the author adam2526
    what do you a brow chicken and a brown cow,,,,,,brownchickenbrowncow
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