Worst Cook in America

I'm an excellent cook - but jeez, how much time can you spend in the kitchen and not forget something's on the stove - drop something, add the wrong ingredient when you are distracted......... There's a million things that can, and do, go wrong in every kitchen - even the kitchen of the hard core expert.

Pat - I wouldn't know where to begin. Watching me cook scares the hell out of people until they cautiously taste the results. And I won't talk about the times that I messed up so bad that I couldn't offer anyone the results.

I cheat & use this rice (Success rice), bring it to a boil then back the temp. down until it's a low boil.

Can't go wrong, as long as you don't boil the water out of the container, or boil too long (rice gets soggy If you boil too long).

but Yukon - I do lower the temperature after it comes to a boil - to medium and even low medium. I tell you all the times I have ruined rice has made me super super careful about every single thing. (maybe that is the problem)

... but yes - success rice - hey in the little bags - just boil a few minutes - I can do that and thank you for reminding me. Just a few cents more than buying the big bags.

I love those sweet little bags. They always work! Thank you!

Now last week I put more water than it called for thinking, okay I will fake this sucker out and it will NOT run out of water before 45 minutes.

Well it was horrible even after 60 minutes the whole thing was watery tasting even without the water I had to drain out.

yes, success brown rice! thank you again.

anybody else that will cop to being a total spaz in the kitchen?

You might wanna use one of those automatic rice cookers from China...

I never put the right amount of water in rice. (I only use brown). I use a lot more than called for, boil it for a few minutes then turn the heat off. Let it sit for around 20 minutes. If it's not done by then I boil it for a few more minutes then let it steep a few more -- then I dump it in a screen collunder to drain it. Never boils dry - perfect every time. Heavy sigh - now if only you could do that with oatmeal, too.

LOL Sal - I told you my problem was trying to follow the directions!

I do better doing my brown rice as gluten free pasta. just as good as regular horrible white flour pasta.

I am doing good with oats - making single doses of crunchy granola on my george forman grill. just toss sunflower seeds and oats and then mash it around with some butter spread brown it up and then drown it in hersheys unsweetened cocoa sweetened with honey and stevia. It is my daily chocolate fix - haven't had a candy bar in months.

... but i wanted people to laugh hysterically at my kitchen antics and to laugh at theirs.

My other one that came to mind when you (Sal) said sometimes you mess up so badly you can't even serve it, is the time I made pesto for this banking mucky muck who came to visit me.

The pesto was bitter and after they left when I was cleaning up I took the blender apart and found out I had ground up the rubber ring (only half) that is under the blade and that would explain the bitter pesto.

I never heard from them again. I hope they didn't die. I know I didn't.

We use a ceramic rice cooker, since the other kind with non-stick can produce fumes that are toxic to parrots and can kill them. I figure if it is so toxic to parrots, it might not be good for our baby either.

I love Lucille Ball. Anybody who considers her to be a mentor has got to be very cool.

I can relate.

My first batch of brownies turned into brownie crackers.

The first batch of chocolate cookies were better,
but they came in different forms and sizes.

My wife still convinced me to give baking another
go, and this time she meant business and chose
butterscotch - our fave!

It turned out to be only half bad, but we still loved
it.


Since it's my son's birth month today, I'm gonna give
my baking/cooking skills another chance, hopefully,
it will be better this time.

Wish me luck!

I have one main malfunction in the kitchen, or rather, out of the kitchen. I'll put something on the stove or in the oven, then come back to my computer to get a little more work done while it's cooking. I can't tell you how many times I've gotten into what I'm doing so completely that I forgot to check the food until it's burnt.

What's a work-at-home boy to do?

Very good to hear I am not alone = 'misery loves company'

I have to say in my defense that like some of you above 'doing a little work on my PC while things are cooking' is a major factor in cooking disasters of the burning sort.

Which goes back to a quote of mine from one of my first homebiz articles when I first started working from home 8 years ago: 'you can't go home from the office when you work at home'.

At least I am getting better at once I turn the monitor off after usual 12 hours online, I don't go back at 2:am when I have a bright idea.

I think I will make it a point not to go to my PC while cooking!

AND boil only the 'quick' rice in the little bags - I am sure the paper will help with at least a few minutes of protection if the water runs out.

I have two more related 'disasters' and these are both about pasta.

1. I was draining the pasta after boiling. I held the collander out carefully and poured ever so slowly - the problem was I was not standing over the sink but in the middle of the kitchen. Now that smarts!

2. When I was in my first apartment at 18 we were very broke. We lived on spaghetti and catsup (ketchup) - I used a steel wool pad to clean the metal collander (probably because the dirty dishes sat there for a few days).

- the problem was the vigorous scrubbing left all these little metal hairs in the mesh and the next several batches of spaghetti were laced with them - yes, get your iron included here! Really-Really horrible especially when stuck in your teeth.

Keep the cooking darwin award stories coming!

Make me laugh (and wretch)! LOL.

Thanks Tiffany -

That blackened potholder recipe is funny especially because you didn't burn the house down!