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How old is too old to still live with your parents?

by Halcyon
40 replies
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How do you feel about adults still living at home? In your opinion, how old is too old? ( I mean those adults who never left the nest, except for college maybe)

I came across this article in the New York Times toting the positive benefits of kids hanging around longer. While very sweet, I can't see the long term benefits of coddling your kids until they're 35.

What do you guys think?

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/31/op...?smid=pl-share
The fragile economy could exacerbate the phenomenon of delayed adolescence, keeping Americans in their late 20s and even early 30s dependent on their families for years.

But this is not necessarily the nightmare scenario it’s made out to be. Our research shows that the closer bonds between young adults and their parents should be celebrated, and do not necessarily compromise the independence of the next generation.
  • Profile picture of the author HeySal
    In some cultures extended families are life long situations. We are just used to having our own territory. As the economy tanks you are going to see more and more extended families here. Jobs do not guarantee affordable housing just as pensions don't mean affordable living, and in some cases it's the parents that need the help from the kids.

    Until our economy stabilizes again, I don't think there is a correct age to discontinue multi-generational family living. That doesn't mean that one person should get "coddeled". It just means an extended family where everyone pulls their weight whatever way they can. Once the economy settles and rights itself (if ever) then we can worry about everyone getting out on their own again.

    As far as older people who NEVER left mommy's house even when times were good? Unless mommy was completely unable to live without someone there, I'd be very cautious of involvement with a guy that has always lived with mommy. I've known a few - and they are very strange people.
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    • Profile picture of the author ThomM
      I've drifted in and out of the family house my whole life.
      But for one thing being pretty much the only child I knew from childhood the property would someday be mine.
      Also my father was fairly old when I was born (58) so when he was to frail to maintain the property I came home and took care of it.
      I also spent a good part of my life 'out of the house' heck I was married and supporting my own house and family at 17.
      But like Sal said, if you have never left the nest it can turn you into a strange little bird.
      My first wifes brother is one of those 'strange little birds'. He's close to 60 now and is still sleeping in the same bedroom he had when he was a baby. My X says he went from a bitter young man to a bitter old man.
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    • Profile picture of the author Halcyon
      Originally Posted by HeySal View Post

      ...

      As far as older people who NEVER left mommy's house even when times were good? Unless mommy was completely unable to live without someone there, I'd be very cautious of involvement with a guy that has always lived with mommy. I've known a few - and they are very strange people.
      I agree with you regarding multi-generational families where everyone is pulling their own weight or working together as a team to care for children, elderly etc. I'm used to that.

      What I'm not used to are 35 year old men and women who still live at home as if they're 17. I think after a certain age continued parental involvement becomes more hindrance than help.

      ThomM
      My first wifes brother is one of those 'strange little birds'. He's close to 60 now and is still sleeping in the same bedroom he had when he was a baby. My X says he went from a bitter young man to a bitter old man.
      Wow!
      I think we all know at least one of those "strange little birds". My 43 year old cousin has been moving out since 1992.
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      • Profile picture of the author fisomt
        I think I got that beat, I'm 47, my brother, (and I use that very loosely) he still lives with my mother
        in her three bedroom house... he's 50 and I don't think he has any intentions of moving out anytime soon. Maybe it's the free cable!
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    • Profile picture of the author salegurus
      Originally Posted by HeySal View Post

      In some cultures extended families are life long situations. We are just used to having our own territory. As the economy tanks you are going to see more and more extended families here. Jobs do not guarantee affordable housing just as pensions don't mean affordable living, and in some cases it's the parents that need the help from the kids.
      I agree, with the economy as is the extended family is becoming more and more prevalent.
      As for cultural differences, being Greek i had to fight my way out of the family home
      My parents would love to have all the kids with them or very close (like in next door) that's just the way it is.
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    • Profile picture of the author Robert Michael
      If you're over 18, and you're not enduring some sort of hardship, taking care of your parents, or anything similar - its time to move out..
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  • Profile picture of the author Thomas
    Originally Posted by Halcyon View Post

    How old is too old to still live with your parents?
    Multiple generations of the same family under one roof has been the norm in most human societies throughout history and, until very recently, was the norm in Western society too.

    I believe it is quite normal in the majority of current cultures across the world, most of whom would probably think there is something wrong with you for thinking there is something wrong with it. In fact, I believe it's also still relatively common in Western societies today too (though less so than elsewhere - but, again, probably not the extent that you might think).

    Originally Posted by Halcyon View Post

    ... delayed adolescence, keeping Americans in their late 20s and even early 30s dependent on their families for years
    Incidentally, I don't think genetically-related adults living under the same roof (i.e. housemates that you happen to be related to) is the same thing as adult children being economically-dependent on their parents.
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  • Profile picture of the author Dennis Gaskill
    Circumstances and choices. Everytime I try to write more than that I end up cutting it. I can't get past the idea that each situation is unique, and making generalizations is like trying to judge intelligence by shoe size.





    As for me, I moved out when I graduated from high school. I was 17.
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  • Profile picture of the author Patrician
    Coming from and being connected on all sides to 'dysfunctional' families (divorced/step and 'half' siblings/single parent, etc) even having mama, papa and baby bear under the same roof is odd (though still ideal).

    Maybe because of this, to me, people who live with their parents after 18 are WEIRD, period. (unless there are extenuating circumstances such as illness, incapacity or temporarily broke/down and out).

    I realize there are many cultures where the extended family living together is the norm and so they may or may not also be weird.

    Being alone and isolated is probably not preferable to being smothered/crowded/stunted to most people but in my mind it is. (although I do regret not having a family that is 'close')

    Life is all about autonomy - There is something missing in your growth and development if you do not create your own situation and family (unless of course there are extenuating circumstances).
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    • Profile picture of the author Kay King
      A lot of young adults have moved back home in this economy. I think it depends on the people and how the move is handled.

      Combining resources is not a bad idea - but it's not smart to expect mommy to keep doing your laundry and buying your food. At some point you have to grow up and contribute your share.

      Dennis nailed it - you only know your own situation. You don't understand how others handle it.

      Both of my sons came home after college until they began their own careers. For one it was six months - for the other 2-3 years. It worked great for us. We shared the house and yard work - they did their own laundry and helped with cooking. They had jobs and they paid their share. We were more roommates - and I was not "the mommy" (though that's what they called me at times).

      One thing we did was call home if we were staying out late or not coming home that night. And, yes, I had to phone home, too

      I have friends with grown children who spend the day playing video games and laying on the couch. These "kids" act like children and my dumb friends treat them that way and do everything for them. In my opinion, they raised a batch of losers.
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      • Profile picture of the author Halcyon
        Originally Posted by Kay King View Post

        ...

        Combining resources is not a bad idea - but it's not smart to expect mommy to keep doing your laundry and buying your food. At some point you have to grow up and contribute your share.
        I agree Kay, and that's what I was getting at. Perhaps I should've titled this posting "How old is too old to still live off of your parents?"

        Combining resources is great but that's not what's happening. You have 40 year old men and women who still expect their mothers to wash their clothes.
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  • Profile picture of the author ceenote100
    I can understand adults living with their parents if the parents are sick and they need to be taken care of but soon as you turn 18 you are an adult and you need to experience real life.

    I know because I've been on my own since 17 and I'm 32 now. I know what real life is and I can take care of myself.
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  • Profile picture of the author seasoned
    Well, in response to Thomas, no offense to the women, but I think only WOMEN really stayed with their parents up to the early 20th century in the US, until they were married. MEN moved out. That was probably one of the reasons why women fought to be accepted in more fields of work.

    I don't know what to say here. Things ARE bad for ALL. But kids SHOULD get used to all the things they have to do to survive, at least in today's society. It is AMAZING how little some know.

    I saw a "chef" on chopped the other day. He SCARED all the judges. They even SAID so! He was stupid, septic, and incredibly careless. He wasted food, contaminated it, could have caused one fire, as I recall he caused another, made a terrific mess, and he burned a lot of chocolate. If I ran the show, I would have had him escorted out like he was never there. And ***HE*** called himself a chef.

    Steve
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    • Profile picture of the author Kay King
      Steve -

      Was that the guy who was putting chocolate in the microwave?

      I like to watch chopped - it's addictive. Wouldn't want to be a judge and have to taste some of that stuff, though
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      • Profile picture of the author seasoned
        Originally Posted by Kay King View Post

        Steve -

        Was that the guy who was putting chocolate in the microwave?

        I like to watch chopped - it's addictive. Wouldn't want to be a judge and have to taste some of that stuff, though
        YEAH, but let's go over what he REALLY did!

        A REAL chef, if having to use THAT dumb chocolate(Hersey's kisses) would do things like some others did, chefs have discussed for DECADES, and like the chopped judges said....

        1. UNWRAP the kisses.
        2. Take the chocolate and put it in a steel container or some such.
        3. Put THAT in a pan full of water.
        4. Boil the water.

        This makes it safe, easy, nearly foolproof, and you recover nearly 100% of the chocolate!

        THAT guy tried a NUMBER of methods. ONE was to heat the kisses(wrapper and paper as well), and SQUEEZE out the chocolate. YUCK!

        He LATER tried the microwave. Did IT have the foil on still? WHO KNOWS? He ended up BURNING the chocolate!

        BTW I call it dumb chocolate because it wasn't made for that. You can buy unwrapped chocolate, tollhouse morsels(basically the same thing but smaller and unwrapped), or use bakers chocolate. It is far easier, faster, and more flexible. The morsels, being smaller, also melt faster.

        Oh well, WHAT A DISASTER!

        Steve
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    • Profile picture of the author Paul Myers
      I agree Kay, and that's what I was getting at. Perhaps I should've titled this posting "How old is too old to still live off of your parents?"
      Very different question.

      I have friends who are Cuban and, according to them, it's expected that sons will live at home and help support their parents until they get married. One of them pays ALL the bills for his parents. They put their money away for the day he gets married and moves out.

      A very different thing from being too lazy to pull one's own weight.

      I'm told this is not an uncommon situation in Latin cultures, although I can't say from personal experience. It's quite common in farming communities, though.

      Judging individuals is always tricky, but especially so when you're applying social conventions without context.

      I have a friend who's been married and divorced 4 times, and been through a dozen or more other bad relationships, simply because he believes that living alone carries some social stigma. That's a heavy price to pay for approval, yes?


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  • Profile picture of the author flowbee77
    In the Hispanic culture I grew up in (with indigenous native roots) it is common practice to take care of your aging parents. They either live with you as they age or with one of the siblings.

    As far as my situation goes, I would never put my mom or dad in a rest home, that's just not an option. So as they grow older they will either live with me or one of my sisters/brothers.

    But I have also noticed a change recently in the culture, and the stigma of living away from parents (particularly for daughters) is decreasing and as a result more and more Hispanic parents are living alone.
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    • Profile picture of the author seasoned
      Originally Posted by flowbee77 View Post

      In the Hispanic culture I grew up in (with indigenous native roots) it is common practice to take care of your aging parents. They either live with you as they age or with one of the siblings.

      As far as my situation goes, I would never put my mom or dad in a rest home, that's just not an option. So as they grow older they will either live with me or one of my sisters/brothers.

      But I have also noticed a change recently in the culture, and the stigma of living away from parents (particularly for daughters) is decreasing and as a result more and more Hispanic parents are living alone.
      I wonder how you would react with one like my mother! Staying in your home without your permission, Constantly calling information and asking who knows what, yelling at your mail man because the lawn wasn't trimmed just so, calling 911 and reporting that you won't come out of a none existent room, or are unconscious, with your father, in her car, when you are as much as 3000 miles away, etc... Driving on the wrong side of the road, etc... I really wish it weren't so, and never want to be in that position, but it IS a lot to expect one to handle.

      Steve
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  • Profile picture of the author seasoned
    Paul,

    Like I said, people should learn the basics before having to find themselves needing them. That ALSO means that if a man feels like beating women, or being a nasty boss, or that he can't meet people half way, he shouldn't even THINK of getting married. Apparently your friend is that type of person. He failed the marriage in some way or didn't judge the woman right, and it was a disaster.

    Steve
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  • Profile picture of the author Dan Riffle
    I have two considerably older brothers who still live at home. One feels honor-bound to take care of our mother and is a mostly-fully functioning adult. The other is a bum who sponges off whoever he can. I hotfooted it out of the house at 17 and only went back for a three-week period after a nasty break-up and needed a place to crash while I looked for a place to live.

    It's an odd dynamic which makes holidays a tad awkward.
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    • Profile picture of the author Paul Myers
      Steve,
      That ALSO means that if a man feels like beating women, or being a nasty boss, or that he can't meet people half way, he shouldn't even THINK of getting married. Apparently your friend is that type of person.
      Once upon a time, I held out hope that you would some day learn to think before leaping to judgement of things about which you know nothing at all. That perhaps you still possessed the capacity to grow.

      I have long since given up on that notion.

      The guy is as close to being incapable of violence as a human male can get. He is considered charming and funny, and he's notoriously generous. He makes good money and he's considered good looking. Smart women quickly figure out, though, that his social acumen comes from a need for approval from women, and the fear of being alone.

      The ladies here can tell you exactly how the remaining likely relationships will develop. And how they'll end.


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    These days about 30......
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    • Profile picture of the author Kay King
      Paul -

      So many women have that same "must have someone" attitude, too. To people like that, any relationship is better than no relationship.

      I know a fellow who has been married/divorced three times and has had a couple live-in relationships in between. He's a nice guy with a good income but has no idea what a "relationship" is. Insecurity is his middle name.

      Funny thing - in between marriages and live-ins...he moves back in with his mother. Now THAT'S dependent! This is a 50 yr old man who never learned to live on his own.

      Where I grew up, it was common for men to move "back home" after a divorce. I always thought it odd as the women kept the children and somehow managed to keep going on their own...and the men ran home to mommy.

      I also know both men and women who live in the family home with their parents for many years and it works for them and the family. Life isn't cookie cutter - you have to make your own rules for how you live.
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      • Profile picture of the author Patrician
        Originally Posted by Kay King View Post

        Where I grew up, it was common for men to move "back home" after a divorce. I always thought it odd as the women kept the children and somehow managed to keep going on their own...and the men ran home to mommy.
        This reminded me of something I read somewhere - that (some) men equate their wives with their mothers. Doesn't take a lot of brilliant deduction to figure why they have sex outside the marriage if that is the case. Not much sexual chemistry with mommy.

        That's why next time I try this marriage thing I am going to institute 'date night' at least a few times a month - There has to be something more exciting happening than every day life (laundry, food, cleaning, TV) - b-o-rrrrr-i-n-g. You have to keep the sparks burning.
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      • Profile picture of the author Kurt
        Originally Posted by Kay King View Post

        Where I grew up, it was common for men to move "back home" after a divorce. I always thought it odd as the women kept the children and somehow managed to keep going on their own...and the men ran home to mommy.

        .
        The two guys I know who ran home to "Mommy" after a divorce both paid so much in child support and alimony that they couldn't afford to pay to have a roof over their own heads.
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        • Profile picture of the author Paul Myers
          Kay,
          So many women have that same "must have someone" attitude, too. To people like that, any relationship is better than no relationship.
          And predictably, those relationships usually don't last, unless the other party is similarly needy or is a control freak.
          Where I grew up, it was common for men to move "back home" after a divorce. I always thought it odd as the women kept the children and somehow managed to keep going on their own...and the men ran home to mommy.
          Maybe they went home because the woman got the house/apartment, and they needed time to get another? In the majority of breakups that involve children, the guy is still the one who has to leave the established household.


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          • Profile picture of the author Kay King
            It might have been "no place to live" but seems like even the ones where the wife also had to move still went home to mom.

            Then again, could be they needed the money to support their kids instead of paying for a separate place to live.

            Maybe I was wrong - but I always thought it was for the food and laundry services
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            Saving one dog will not change the world - but the world changes forever for that one dog
            ***
            Dear April: I don't want any trouble from you.
            January was long, February was iffy, March was a freaking dumpster fire.
            So sit down, be quiet, and don't touch anything.
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  • Profile picture of the author Patrician
    I think a very appropriate quote would work here:

    by Kahlil Gibran ('The Prophet')

    "Children are born THROUGH you, not TO you."

    Nobody owns anybody in either direction and nobody owes you anything (even God).

    'Get a life'.
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  • Profile picture of the author Shovelhead
    I believe the earliest you leave the nest the sooner you learn to take care of yourself. i see people today going from living with their parents to getting married and living with a spouse. You gotta learn to take care of yourself before you can take care of someone else.
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  • Profile picture of the author seasoned
    Well paul, I too have held out hope. ALAS!

    Steve
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  • Profile picture of the author manjul1982
    Well I believe, Everybody has a right to live a personal life and to make a professional life, but the need of our parents must also be considered. I read it somewhere and it says, Our Parents helped us by holding our hands when we were toddlers, why are we ashamed of holding their hands when they are incapable in their old ages.

    My apologies, if I have diverted the conversation.
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  • Profile picture of the author Henri Lind
    Im 20 and i still live with my parents. However i dont live off them. I clean and cook myself. I give them money every month. Do some chores etc.
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    • Profile picture of the author Daniel Evans
      ^That's the clincher. It's not about age and it doesn't matter who you live with. It's about the bread you're bringing to the table. I think it's fine for as long as the person is paying their way with a realistic amount of money which would otherwise see them able to live elsewhere without too much additional cost.

      I appreciate that there many different circumstances which defines a persons living conditions and some people don't have the same opportunities as others, but more often than not, many people are capable but render themselves incapable just to be looked after and to live an easy life without realistic ambition.

      What those people generally fail to understand is how liberating it is to be able to support oneself or the rewards of discipline which bring about those results but many are unwilling to take the leap of faith to discover this.
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      • Profile picture of the author Steven Wagenheim
        My daughter couldn't wait to get out of our house. She's now living in NY.

        The sad part is, the economy is so bad and the competition for jobs is so off
        the charts that if she doesn't get a "real" job soon (she's working as a hostess
        somewhere) she'll be forced to move back home.

        That is the reality of what our youth has to deal with today and nothing to do
        with whether or not they still want to live with mommy and daddy.

        My daughter is 23 and the last thing she wants is to move back home.
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        • Profile picture of the author Paul Myers
          Steven,

          That's the great thing about the family network. If it's honest, anyone can fall in any direction and know there's someone to catch them. Up, down, sideways... age-wise, doesn't matter.

          Funny how the ones who game the system find holes in the net to fall through, though...


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          • Profile picture of the author Steven Wagenheim
            Originally Posted by Paul Myers View Post

            Steven,

            That's the great thing about the family network. If it's honest, anyone can fall in any direction and know there's someone to catch them. Up, down, sideways... age-wise, doesn't matter.

            Funny how the ones who game the system find holes in the net to fall through, though...


            Paul
            My daughter knows she's always welcome here. It's pretty sad that a former
            Valedictorian with a BA and an MA in psychology can't get a job in her chosen
            field. She's a bright kid and just needs a break.

            Oh well, took me 1 year to find my very first real job and that was back in the
            80s. I don't expect things to be any easier today.
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            • Profile picture of the author Zabrina
              Originally Posted by Steven Wagenheim View Post

              My daughter knows she's always welcome here. It's pretty sad that a former
              Valedictorian with a BA and an MA in psychology can't get a job in her chosen
              field. She's a bright kid and just needs a break.

              Oh well, took me 1 year to find my very first real job and that was back in the
              80s. I don't expect things to be any easier today.
              Don't even get me started on how my graduating class feels about the job market today. It's one of the big reasons I chose IM -- because I can actually build my own career while I'm still in university, and I'll have something to fall back on.

              My best friend (and roommate, incidentally) graduated with a two-year art degree not long before I started university, and all the studios here started closing right about when their class graduated. I witnessed similar problems in almost every field, and some of my older classmates couldn't even get jobs at local retail stores. We saw them get screwed over and we knew what was in store for us.

              So I knew when I entered university that there's no career-based reason for BA students to go anymore, and a trade school is now the ticket to a guaranteed job. I'm pretty much doing it for pure enjoyment, with the added advantage of having a BA in English to help get the more selective writing jobs. That's why I started IM when I applied for university.

              I moved out for the school years when I started, and full-time last summer. My parents have told me I'm welcome to come back, but I'm doing whatever I can not to take them up on it.

              There's definitely no optimism within my cohort about our future prospects. Everyone who knows I do IM tells me it's a smart thing to do, then laments about the job market.
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              • Profile picture of the author MissTerraK
                I still have my youngest, my son, living at home. He'll be 23 this month.

                He did a full year and a half of college, before he moved out of state for a year. A death in the family, moving to help a family member, I won't go into details, but let's just say that things didn't go as planned. His schooling wasn't continued and he worked 12 hours a day, 6 days a week.

                He came back home as his father and I wanted him to finish college but he refuses to go back to school full time. He insists that he work too to pay his own way while taking a few classes each semester.

                He does his own laundry, cooks, cleans, pays for his own cell service and groceries, as well as his schooling and gives his father rent money for the roof over his head.

                He refuses to let us provide for him so he can finish college full time.

                He frustrates me as I want nothing more than for him to finish earning his degree, but on the other hand, I can't stay mad that he insists on being responsible for himself.

                He gives me a peck on the cheek and says, "Aw, don't be mad at me. My momma didn't raise me to be irresponsible or ungrateful, or a mooch. My momma taught me how to be a real man.

                I guess I can't have it both ways, huh?

                Terra
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  • Profile picture of the author keithotzkie
    Im not really sure but here in the Philippines, we stay with our parents whether we're already old.. It depends on you if you can support your self already.. There is no point in living away if you dont even have the money to provide your needs..
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