Going for a Pint in The Warrior Inn

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What happens when you have a few drinks during a stressful week? What else - you start letting your creative juices flow and end up with a big pile of nothingness. The result of that nothingness is below. I have no idea what it is, but it was relaxing to write! No offence is intended - this is NOT a serious thread!

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Mark Eter loved nothing more than going for a drink in his local pub, but tragedy struck when the pub went into administration. Mark was distraught - without the "9 To 5 Arms" he was going to have an awful lot of spare time and nowhere to quench his thirst. Desperate, and with a mouth dryer than a bath in the desert, Mark went pounding the streets in search of a new drinking establishment. Through his dreary haze, he spotted a promising building at the end of the street. This place was enormous, and Mark couldn't believe this was the first time he had seen it. How could such a massive watering hole have stayed hidden for so long? With renewed optimism, Mark approached the door, only to be greeted by a fairly burly looking doorman. Seconds, that seemed like...more seconds...passed...


Doorman: You look familiar, what's your name son?
Mark: Eter, sir, Mark Eter.
Doorman: Hmmm, that name rings a bell. I'm sure we've had Mark Eters in here before.
Mark: Must have been my namesake, sir, I'm a completely new Mark Eter.
Doorman: Fair enough. No need to call me sir, I'm Mr Myers, and I keep a close eye on what goes on in there, so don't go causin' any hassle. I don't wanna whoop any ass, but that doesn't mean I won't.
Mark: Not to worry, Mr Myers, I've been in plenty of pubs before. I can handle myself.
Doorman: Not like this one you haven't. In you go son, there's no cover charge.


Delighted to get away from the piercing stare of the doorman, Mark hurried inside eager to order his first drink. Unfortunately, this was no ordinary pub. The sight that greeted Mark was unlike any he had ever laid eyes on before. Patrons of all ages & nationalities as far as the eye could see, some sitting together in groups at various tables, others on their own at the bar, drinking beverages that Mark had never even heard of. Overcoming his initial shock, Mark tentatively approached the barman.


Barman: Welcome to the Warrior Inn. My name is Dave, what can I get for you?
Mark: I...I don't know! This place is so overwhelming. I mean, for starters why are you wearing shorts with a bow tie on them!?
Barman: They're my Formal Shorts, sir, and they're all the rage in Peru.
Mark: O....k....but your inappropriate attire aside; I have no idea where to begin! There are so many drinks; I haven't the foggiest idea where to begin!
Barman: If I could be so bold, sir, why don't you go and have a chat with some of the regulars and see if they might enlighten you? Many of them have been drinking here for years, and they know their alcohol.
Mark: I can't very well just go and start talking to complete strangers looking for advice, they'll laugh at me!
Barman: On the contrary, sir. We have a fantastic menu you can browse over here. However, if you can't find what you're looking for in the menu, our regulars will be more than happy to guide you.
Mark: Thanks, I'll do that.


Feeling awkward and nervous, Mark wandered over to a small table where three esteemed looking gentlemen sat. The men seem to have a grudging respect for each other, but were none the less in heated discussion. Mark gently cleared his throat, and the conversation at the table stopped dead.


The Copy Nazi: What do you want?
Mark: Hi, I was just wondering if you could recommend a drink? I'm new here, and not really sure what I should go for.
Mark Andrews: Want To Find A Drink That Will Quench Your Thirst, Improve Your Mood And Give You A New Outlook On Life?
Mark: Ehh, I guess so...
The Copy Nazi: That drink will never sell! A new outlook on life? This is a pint we're talking about; know your audience Andrews!
Rick Duris: Have You Spent Countless Hours Getting Drunk Without Really Enjoying Your Pint? STOP! Learn How This Tongueless Hobo Stumbled Upon The Recipe For The Perfect Pint...In His Own Shopping Cart!
Mark: I'm not sure I want to drink something from a homeless ma...
The Copy Nazi: Rick that's just awful! What are you two like!? Come on!
Mark: What would you recommend, sir?
The Copy Nazi: I'd recommend you leave me and my pint in peace!
Mark: So...so sorry to trouble you!
Mark Andrews: Well that was a little offensive.
The Copy Nazi: Your face is a little offensive...


Mark quickly hurried away from the table before he ended up spending all his money on drinks he didn't really want. In his haste, he bumped into the next table over, almost spilling the three towering drums of sweet smelling cocktails that sat atop it. Mortified, Mark began apologising profusely, and his embarrassment was made no easier when he realised that the three owners of these gigantic beverages were three gorgeous ladies.


Mark: I'm so, so sorry! I was in such a rush - I should have looked where I was going!
Tiffany Dow: That's ok! Grab a seat, we won't bite!
Amanda T: Yes, yes, sit down you poor thing!
Mark: Thank you! Sorry, I'm new here, and I was looking for some advice on what kind of drink to order. Could you guys recommend anything? Your drinks look delicious!
Ruth P: They are! Have you never had Peach Lime Rum cocktails before?
Mark: I haven't, but I don't think I could afford one of those! It' so big!
Tiffany Dow: That's the beauty of it - it costs a fraction of your normal drinks!
Mark: How is that possible, there's so much of it! I'd never get through it all!
Amanda T: Don't worry! Do you see those 30 guys over there with straws? When you buy it, they'll all pitch in as well, and then you each get a straw so you can drink together!
Mark: That seems a little odd...we all share the same drink?
Ruth P: That's what makes it so cool! You pay hardly anything for it, but if you're smart you'll pick one of the bigger straws and you can get much more out of it!
Mark: Thanks for the advice ladies - I'll certainly consider it!


His mind racing with all this new information, Mark found himself drawn towards the corner where the sound of hearty laughter was drowning out nearby conversation. Mark slowly approached the group, but not wanting to interrupt a lively conversation, he grabbed a seat at an empty table nearby and pretended not to be listening.


Joe Robinson: ...so the guy says to me, "No one would pay $50 for a single whiskey measure, you must be dreaming!"
Ross Cohen: Some people just never learn! So what did you say?
Joe Robinson: I told him I knew a Fin that could help him with his dreams, but I didn't have time to stay and chat because I had several bottles to deliver to some drinkers that could actually tell the difference between a Tullamore Dew and a 21 year old Bushmills
All: Hahahahahaha!
Alexa: I keep trying to tell people that just because they have tasted whiskey doesn't mean they understand the market! I've mentioned it several times in the past, here, here and here.
(thanks, thanks, thanks, thanks, thanks, thanks)
Seatbelt99: Some people just don't know a good whiskey when they see it.
Joe Robinson: Hey! You might be on the road to being in the know, but you could still do with drinking a slightly more exclusive drink yourself. Same goes for the terrible twins over there!
JaRyCu: We're working on it Joe.
Danr62: Give us time!
Joe Robinson: I'm just saying, the days of $2 whiskeys are over. If you ask me...wait...who's that over at the bar? It kind of looks like.....****! It's Po Stobinson! You guys never saw me!!!!


As one clearly terrified punter sprinted into the women's toilets to hide, Mark took the opportunity to go back up to the bar and finally order a drink. As he called the barman back over, he noticed a huge promotional poster hanging on the far wall. There were offers for some huge brand name whiskeys at knock down prices - finally something that he could get his chops around!


Barman: Well now sir, did you find something that tickles your fancy?
Mark: Yes, I think I did! Could I get a few specials from that Whiskey Special Offers selection?
Barman: The WSOs? Sure thing. Did you have one in mind?
Mark: I was thinking those top three; it could be a long night so I'll taste a few of them!
Barman: You're the boss. That will be $7.50.
Mark: Wow, what a bargain for three drinks! Here you go!
Barman: And your change, enjoy!
Mark: Wait, where are my drinks!?
Barman: Sir?
Mark: My whiskeys, where are they!?
Barman: You don't have a glass for them sir, I can't pour them on the counter!
Mark: Give me three glasses then!
Barman: Of course. $15 please sir.
Mark: What! That's a rip off!
Barman: Sir, the offer clearly states you are buying the whiskeys. At no point does it mention glasses.
Mark: Glasses and ice are implied!
Barman: Ice is $3.
Mark: How am I supposed to get a drink without spending a fortune!
Barman: Sir, there are some fantastic offers on the Whiskey Special Offers board, as there are in all of our drinks. I would recommend that you don't just jump in straight away before researching your drink fully. Had you asked me, I could have informed you of the lack of glass and ice.
Mark: What would you recommend?
Barman: We have a private members club upstairs, but there is an admission fee. Why don't I get you a tap water. No charge, and you can sit around and absorb all the beverage guidance our members have to offer. After that, you'll be in a much better position to order your drink. We've been here for many years, sir, and we're not going anywhere. Take your time, we're open all night.


So New Mark Eter listened to that barman...for all of 20 minutes, at which point he got bored, and then drunk. He blew all his money and woke up with a shocking hangover and nothing to show for it. He swore to himself that the next time he returned to The Warrior Inn, he'd fully research all of the drinks on offer before he chose a drink, a table to drink it at, and possibly a drinking buddy.


Good luck Mark, we're all counting on you.

  • Profile picture of the author Khemosabi
    BEST....POST......EVER!!!!!!!! Thanks for making my morning! Hilarious.
    Ok, I gotta know, who was on the payphone?? John Durham??
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  • Profile picture of the author Peter May
    Great Post, hopefully the "mentioned" will find the funny side to.

    I can see from your post that your writing skills are great and captivating.

    Good luck and thanks for cheering up my morning.

    Peter
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    • Profile picture of the author Formal Shorts
      Originally Posted by Khemosabi View Post

      BEST....POST......EVER!!!!!!!! Thanks for making my morning! Hilarious.
      Ok, I gotta know, who was on the payphone?? John Durham??
      Are you accusing John Durham of simply "ringing it in"

      Them's fightin' words!

      Originally Posted by Peter May View Post

      Great Post, hopefully the "mentioned" will find the funny side to.

      I can see from your post that your writing skills are great and captivating.

      Good luck and thanks for cheering up my morning.

      Peter
      Glad you enjoyed it Peter!
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  • Profile picture of the author laurencewins
    That is soooooooooo funny and well put together too. Thank you for sharing your sense of humour with us. I hope you got approval to use all the names you used. lol
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    Cheers, Laurence. Read my Warriors for Hire ad.
    Writer/Editor/Proofreader. Place orders.

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    • Profile picture of the author Formal Shorts
      Originally Posted by laurencewins View Post

      That is soooooooooo funny and well put together too. Thank you for sharing your sense of humour with us. I hope you got approval to use all the names you used. lol
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  • Profile picture of the author Joseph Robinson
    Banned
    He did not tell us, and it only makes me mad because it was hilarious and I didn't know about it.
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  • Profile picture of the author Formal Shorts
    I thought off topic was a nice hiding place for it.

    If it wasn't for Paul Myers and his pesky rules I'd be stealing someone's suspicious smiley right now
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    • Profile picture of the author Joseph Robinson
      Banned
      Originally Posted by Formal Shorts View Post

      I thought off topic was a nice hiding place for it.

      If it wasn't for Paul Myers and his pesky rules I'd be stealing someone's suspicious smiley right now
      His pesky rules caused me to click this signature, so I'll call it a wash for now :rolleyes:.
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  • Profile picture of the author Dan Riffle
    The only fault I find in your story is that Joe is 22. He only drinks booze that comes in a Mickey Mouse Glass. And if you forget to top that drink with whip cream, boy, he gets startled. You know what happens when Joe gets startled? He takes off his pants.
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    Raising a child is akin to knowing you're getting fired in 18 years and having to train your replacement without actively sabotaging them.

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    • Profile picture of the author Formal Shorts
      Originally Posted by Dan Riffle View Post

      The only fault I find in your story is that Joe is 22. He only drinks booze that comes in a Mickey Mouse Glass. And if you forget to top that drink with whip cream, boy, he gets startled. You know what happens when Joe gets startled? He takes off his pants.
      Some people might be somewhat alarmed by your fascination with pants.

      Those people are fools.
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      • Profile picture of the author Dan Riffle
        Originally Posted by Formal Shorts View Post

        Some people might be somewhat alarmed by your fascination with pants.

        Those people are fools.

        Let's just make sure we're clear here: I don't have a fascination for Joe's pants, just pants in the general sense.
        Signature

        Raising a child is akin to knowing you're getting fired in 18 years and having to train your replacement without actively sabotaging them.

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        • Profile picture of the author Formal Shorts
          Originally Posted by Dan Riffle View Post

          Let's just make sure we're clear here: I don't have a fascination for Joe's pants, just pants in the general sense.
          Hey, I'm not judging.

          Note to self: Episode 2 - Dan likes Joe's pants. Run with it.
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    • Profile picture of the author Joseph Robinson
      Banned
      Originally Posted by Dan Riffle View Post

      The only fault I find in your story is that Joe is 22. He only drinks booze that comes in a Mickey Mouse Glass. And if you forget to top that drink with whip cream, boy, he gets startled. You know what happens when Joe gets startled? He takes off his pants.
      I have to stop telling people these things on public forums. If I must take my pants off in episode two, at least make it happen in a charming, sexy way.
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  • Profile picture of the author Jacqueline Smith
    Absolutely brilliant! I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.

    When can we expect Episode 2??????????
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  • Profile picture of the author Dennis Gaskill
    Very creative, good job. It reminds me of my first post on the Warrior Forum, only I didn't mention anyone by name, and my story was only two short sentences long, and it was completely different. Other than that, it looks like you copied me word for word!
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    Just when you think you've got it all figured out, someone changes the rules.

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    • Profile picture of the author Formal Shorts
      Originally Posted by Jacqueline Smith View Post

      Absolutely brilliant! I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.

      When can we expect Episode 2??????????
      You can't rush creativity - who knows when I'll feel inspired* again

      * slightly stressed and drunk

      Originally Posted by Dennis Gaskill View Post

      Very creative, good job. It reminds me of my first post on the Warrior Forum, only I didn't mention anyone by name, and my story was only two short sentences long, and it was completely different. Other than that, it looks like you copied me word for word!
      Damn it. I was hoping you wouldn't notice. Don't tell anyone and you can get a starring role as a chippendale in ep 2
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      • Profile picture of the author Dan Riffle
        Originally Posted by Formal Shorts View Post

        You can't rush creativity - who knows when I'll feel inspired* again

        * slightly stressed and drunk

        You're Irish, right? So, 50% of the formula is in play at all times. Seems like we should have Episode 2 in short order...
        Signature

        Raising a child is akin to knowing you're getting fired in 18 years and having to train your replacement without actively sabotaging them.

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      • Profile picture of the author Dennis Gaskill
        Originally Posted by Formal Shorts View Post

        Damn it. I was hoping you wouldn't notice. Don't tell anyone and you can get a starring role as a chippendale in ep 2
        Trust me, no one wants to imagine an overweight old man as a Chippendale. Such thoughts should be illegal. You'd be run out of the forum by the masses, if not the mods.
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        Just when you think you've got it all figured out, someone changes the rules.

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        • Profile picture of the author Formal Shorts
          Originally Posted by Dan Riffle View Post

          You're Irish, right? So, 50% of the formula is in play at all times. Seems like we should have Episode 2 in short order...
          I don't appreciate that stereotype Dan. Have a bit of respect would you? Not all Irish people suffer from stress.

          Originally Posted by Dennis Gaskill View Post

          Trust me, no one wants to imagine an overweight old man as a Chippendale. Such thoughts should be illegal. You'd be run out of the forum by the masses, if not the mods.
          Well someone needs to be the chippendale. Does anyone know of any warriors that aren't overweight old men?

          *tumbleweed*
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          • Profile picture of the author Joseph Robinson
            Banned
            Originally Posted by Formal Shorts View Post

            Well someone needs to be the chippendale. Does anyone know of any warriors that aren't overweight old men?

            *tumbleweed*
            *Raises hand.*
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  • Profile picture of the author Ruth P
    I actually lol-ed at this post - thanks for the compliment about the gorgeous ladies
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  • Profile picture of the author lisakynan
    Hehehe this was hilarious
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