I went to see a cherished friend today

If you want to do something for that woman - get her a bottle of herbs that leach metals out of your system and have her start taking those (you can get these at most natureopath's offices). Then make sure she has a water filter that takes fluoride out of her water. That's about all you can do.

Don't feel guilty - you didn't do this and she would be the same whether you visited her or not.

Some memory loss is 'normal' and not all weird behavior in the eldery is Alzhiemers - it can be caused from many medical conditions -

I have a whole slew of people to feel guilty about over my lifetime. Nothing I can do about it now that they are gone -

(so you are lucky you got a little preview before the curtain call - and maybe you can spend some time with her - that is probably the best thing you can do for her).

So nice of you to have a heart -

You have to remember that people with any form of dementia are still happy in themselves. It is their loved ones who suffer the most. So long as she is taken care of when she can't do it herself is the main thing.

A close friend and I were talking about this subject recently, she's dealing with this with a family member and didn't really understand dementia or Alzheimers or how it affects people. She was most curious about how their reality is affected from THEIR perspective. I explained it to her like this:

Imagine you wake up tomorrow, go through your routine, get ready to leave the house and your boyfriend says "Where are you going" and you say "I'm headed over to Ron's, I'll be back later" - then he says "Who's Ron?". You roll your eyes, thinking he's being a smartass and continue for the door. Then he says it again. "No, seriously, who's Ron?" He seems concerned. You say "Are you retarded? Hello, my business partner, my best friend, the guy who's kids we've babysat about 100 times? We just had dinner with him and his wife last week, what's wrong with you?"

Suddenly he looks sad, like his dog just died or something. He says "Tara, we've been over this. There is no Ron. Please sit down."

And your head is spinning... you start to feel a little confused. You're thinking what is he talking about? We work together on all kinds of things, we've gone zip lining together, we've hit up all the local bars, we've gone to the Dali museum, we've taken trips out of state, etc. You know I'm a real person. So you look in your phone for the pictures we've taken over all the years and places we've been, but they aren't in there. As you're searching, you realize you don't recognize any of the people who are in the pictures you took. Then you remember the picture we took when we were exploring those caves, but it's not on the wall where it usually hangs in your livingroom. There's a photo of some other people there, but you don't recognize any of them. You can't figure out what's going on ... so you scream at your boyfriend, demanding to know what happened to the picture and why he took it down.

And he, still very calm and sincere with a look of sadness in his eyes, says "Tara, that was 40 years ago. Ron passed away about five years ago. His kids are all grown up now"

It starts to sink in. And now, at that moment, you're living through the emotion of your best friend's death all over again who, in your mind, was alive and well just yesterday. And as the pieces come together, you realize you can't remember your life. Your "boyfriend" is actually your husband of 30 years. Your own kids are grown and out of the house, and you can't think of their names or what they look like. You look at your husband again, only now you see him as the old man he is - and you look in the mirror and see an old lady.

But imagine all of this happened TOMORROW - here we are today, having this conversation, planning what we're going to do next weekend. And then tomorrow, that's your reality. That's what it's like. It would be torture.

The best thing you can do is simply be there today, and not take it personally that they don't know who you are (or who you were). They can't help it, or rationalize it when you try to explain them a reality that's different from the one their brain is telling them. Just listen... because whatever it is they're talking about, it's something that was important to them - that's how they were able to hold on to that memory when so many others are fragmented. If it's you they're talking about, it means you had an impact on their life in a meaningful way. They deserve to keep that - it's all they have. So the best advice I can give you is don't take it personally that they don't recognize the person standing in front of them, they can't help that. Take pride in the fact that out of all of the lost memories, it's the memory of you that stuck. Hold back your tears, because they won't understand why you're sad. Think about what they're going through the way I described it above, and be a good listener as they tell their story. Even if they told you the same one yesterday. Our instinct is to "help them" by correcting them, filling in the gaps, but don't - if they're happy in their moment, let them have that.

@ ronrule,
That post almost made me cry.

Thank you

When we went through it with my great aunt there were times it was hard and times it was hilarious for all of us, her included. She was more self-aware than a lot of people who go through it were, which helped - sometimes she would realize something she said made no sense to the people in the room and come back to reality and acknowledge that she "just time traveled".

When the dementia got worse it was harder, she was in a nursing home then and she would go up to the desk and ask where her son was - they would assume she was talking about her 50 year old son who visited her regularly, but she would describe a little boy. The staff there had gotten familiar with her lapses and would let it play out, they would say he's on the playground or he's with some other kids upstairs and they would send him down in a little while. It was easier on everyone, her especially, to just step into her reality than try to bring her back into theirs.

She would tell this joke... An old woman goes to the doctor and the doctor says "I have some bad news, you have cancer and Alzheimer's" and the woman says "Whew, thank God I don't have cancer!" Coming from her, it was funny every time.

Hi Ken,
Thanks for the share. I am so sorry you are going through this.
As Patrician said, it ain't you fault.

On the herbs, and other stuff, you're going to have to
work with her bio-family if she has any. HeySal always suggests
PubMed for research. I know a certified herbalist who doctors
refer to for additional help and would suggest finding someone like that.
Also, I'd look for a naturopathic doctor.
(PM me if you want to me to see if the herbalist can do anything for you from here
in Colorado.)

Regarding other stuff, in conjunction with her bio-family, there's likely, eventually,
medical treatment, medical power of attorney/guardianship, in home or attended living,
and the will and estate stuff... Whew.

Dan

Visiting, going to funerals... is also about supporting
the remaining friends and family. And vice-versa. Dan

That's a difficult one Ken.

I just arrived home, at about 12:15AM after leaving the nursing home where my mother-in-law lives. She as been there for years with Alzheimer's Disease.

She is dying, and probably will go to the life after life some time tonight. My wife's sister is their mom at the moment.

The same thing happened to my father-in-law, and to my mother. It was not pretty. The only one spared was my father.

ThoM mentioned coconut oil. Mary Newport, MD is the one who discovered coconut oil worked to bring back her husband's mind. Here are two videos about it...



My wife recently finished reading about about other Alzheimer's research in which the scientists doing the study were able to completely reverse Alzheimer's Disease in lab mice that had been bred to develop the disease by feeding them powdered cinnamon. The equivalent dosage for humans is about 1 teaspoon per day.

I bake my own granola, and like Mary Newport does for her husband, I put a glob of coconut oil, and a teaspoon of cinnamon on it, then warm it in the microwave. It is a yummy prevention.

:-Don

Curcumin (found in turmeric) is reputed to help combat Alzheimer's disease:

The effect of curcumin (turmeric) on Alzheimer's disease: An overview
Tumeric-Derived Compound Curcumin May Treat Alzheimer

Edit: Ken, sorry I jumped in like this. I hope you find solace in dealing with this situation. Someone I cared about deeply also fell victim to losing her mental capacity, due to a series of strokes, and I often feel pain and guilt in thinking I hadn't been there for her.

The last time I saw my grandmother she did not have a clue who I was and it broke my heart to see her that way. This can happen to anyone and it has no time frame, it can fast or slow but still very sad.