ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

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Friday funny time not sure if this has been shared before


ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS
Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary


Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
  • My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
  • The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
  • My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
  • My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
  • I had no control over the drooling.
  • Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
  • I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

Have a great weekend

Jason
  • Profile picture of the author HeySal
    You are right - definitely a man thing.

    He's a good salesman, though - I definitely want one.
    Signature

    Sal
    When the Roads and Paths end, learn to guide yourself through the wilderness
    Beyond the Path

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    • Profile picture of the author MissTerraK
      Hahaha!

      You're right! Only a man...

      I have a question for him though. I was just wondering if he wanted to test my airsoft BB gun pistol for me. lmao

      Terra
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      • Profile picture of the author MikeAmbrosio
        Originally Posted by MissTerraK View Post

        Hahaha!

        You're right! Only a man...

        I have a question for him though. I was just wondering if he wanted to test my airsoft BB gun pistol for me. lmao

        Terra
        Now THAT I have "experience" with - and once was enough (and...enough said on that subject. Don't wanna trigger the old memories).

        I can't speak for all men, but I CAN say that I only do a stupid thing ONCE. So, no taser for me.
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        • Profile picture of the author MissTerraK
          Originally Posted by MikeAmbrosio View Post

          Now THAT I have "experience" with - and once was enough (and...enough said on that subject. Don't wanna trigger the old memories).

          I can't speak for all men, but I CAN say that I only do a stupid thing ONCE. So, no taser for me.
          LOL! Oh dangnabit! I'm out of thanks for the day already!

          But thanks for the laugh!

          Terra
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  • Profile picture of the author wendallb
    Kind of brings a tear to your eye...from laughing so hard...ROFLMAO
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  • Profile picture of the author seasoned
    ONLY two AAA batteries?

    Do you know how a taser works? It *******CUTS******** the power! YEP, if it provided full power 100% of the time, you would feel NOTHING! But the power creates a magnetic field. When the power is CUT, the field collapses around the core and causes what is known as inductive kickback.

    Interestingly, there is no real one to one correlation about power in versus power out.

    I wonder how he would have felt if, while he was being shocked, the batteries WEREN'T providing any power!

    Steve
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  • Profile picture of the author bizgrower
    They have been know to cause heart attacks in some cases.

    I know a 19 year old male who was aiming his BB gun at a friend and when his friend got mad, he told his friend that it would not hurt. He then demonstrated by shooting his own hand. Required removal by a doctor.

    Only a male.
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    "If you think you're the smartest person in the room, then you're probably in the wrong room."

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  • Profile picture of the author Paul Alden
    I've thought about it before but never had the "testicular" ability to follow through, I'll bet you don't either.

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  • Profile picture of the author laurencewins
    Stupid wouldn't even come close to describing that action. Never mess with something that is supposed to cause an electric shock. Never believe instructions when your life depends on it. o
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    Cheers, Laurence.
    Writer/Editor/Proofreader.

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    • Profile picture of the author ThomM
      It may be a man thing, but you women got to admit. If your husband gave you one, you'd try it out first on him just to be sure it worked
      Signature

      Life: Nature's way of keeping meat fresh
      Getting old ain't for sissy's
      As you are I was, as I am you will be
      You can't fix stupid, but you can always out smart it.

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