Seriously Funny Jokes!!! LOL!

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Ok, found these online, and they were so clever l just had to put them here.

Enjoy! :p PS l will keep the controversial ones, down to the bone, but some may get through?

Enjoy!

A blonde woman gets pulled over by a police officer... The officer is also a blonde woman. She asks the driver for her license. The blonde woman rummages through her purse for a minute before getting frustrated.. What does it look like again, she asks.. The officer says, it's rectangle and has your photograph on it. The blonde woman looks around some more and says, oh here it is. She pulls out a small mirror and shows it to the officer... The officer said, oh you can go, I didn't realize you're a police officer too.
A family of mice were attacked by a big cat. Father mouse suddenly shouted, "Bow wow!" The cat ran away in fear. "What was that, father?" asked little mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language."
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I'm lonely. I wish my friends were back here."
This next joke is PG, but you need to read it all first, still very funny so l thought that l should risk putting it in.

One more then...
Two Italians enter the bus in New York and start very noisy conversation:

"em come first, then I come, two asses together, I come again, two asses together, then I pee, pee again and I come in the end.."

An old lady nearby can't stand it any longer and says: "You pigs, what a shame to discuss your disgusting sexual life on public!"

Italian:"Hey, wassup lady??? I just tella friend, how to spella Mississippi.."
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
Test of a new cat food. Three cats - one of an architect, one of a chemist, and the third one - of a designer.


The cat of the architect took the cookies, arranged them like a house, put a roof and ate them.


The cat of the chemist splintered the cookies, dissolved them in a milk and ate them.


The cat of the designer crushed the cookies into a powder, sniffed them through a straw, f***d the other two cats and yelled: "I cannnnnnot work like this!"
Sorry another blonde joke!

A blonde woman goes into an electronic store.
She says: I would like to buy this TV.
The shop owner replies: Sorry, we are not selling anything to blondes.
The blonde girl is leaving the shop angry.
The next day, she comes back with a big hat on her head, covering her blonde hair. Again she says: I would like to buy this TV
The shop owner replies: Sorry, we are not selling to blondes.
She leaves the store again. The next day, she comes back, with her hair colored black.
"I would like to buy this TV"
"Sorry, we are not selling anything to blondes"
"How the hell do you know that I am blonde?"
"That's a microwave"
A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, confused, tells the duck that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"


Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes!


If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!'' The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?'' Confused, the bartenders says no. ''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?'
A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.

The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass." "OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man? "I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"
Shane
  • Profile picture of the author Jacqueline Smith
    Thanks....I love ending my day with a smile.
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    • Profile picture of the author Riptor
      Biker and Little Old Lady.

      A biker stops by the local motorcycle shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.
      While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
      The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot."
      The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in the other hand?"
      "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
      On the way he says, "Let's take my shortcut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
      The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
      The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
      The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."
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  • Profile picture of the author Ionizing Ideas
    i like the topic best
    Seriously Funny Jokes !!!
    How ironic...
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  • Profile picture of the author laurencewins
    A good laugh is great for the soul. Thanks for all the laughs.
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    Cheers, Laurence.
    Writer/Editor/Proofreader.

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  • Profile picture of the author carnal
    These are some really good jokes. Blonde joke was awesome!
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  • Profile picture of the author sivricmarijan
    These jokes are not hilarious but I like them. The one about the woman and baby in the bus is my favorite!
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    • Profile picture of the author tagiscom
      These are some really good jokes. Blonde joke was awesome!
      Hmmmmm, good to hear everyone is enjoying them, they are a collection of the best ones available!

      There were others, but they either weren't funny, or downright rude, so....


      Thanks for the joke Riptor.

      i like the topic best
      Seriously Funny Jokes !!!
      How ironic...
      Yep, the earlier it is in the morning the more creative l become?

      I am at my best at 3am, yawn!!! :rolleyes:

      Shane
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      • Profile picture of the author Riptor
        Mr. Bean v/s Einstein
        ****************
        Einstein & Mr.Bean sitting next to each other
        on a long flight..

        Einstein says,"Let's play a game.. I will ask you a
        question,if you don't know the answer,you pay
        me only $5 and if I don't know the answer,I will
        pay you $500..

        Einstein asks the first question: What's the
        distance from the Earth to the Moon..?
        Mr.Bean doesn't say a word,reaches his
        pocket,pulls out a $5..

        Now,it's Mr.Bean's turn..
        He asks Einstein: What goes up a hill with 3 legs
        and comes down on 4 legs..?

        Einstein searches the net and asks all his smart
        friends.. After an hour he gives Mr.Bean $500..
        Einstein going nuts and asks: Well,so what goes
        up a hill with three legs and comes down with
        four..?

        Mr.Bean reaches his pocket and gives Einstein
        5$
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  • Profile picture of the author Angle Warrior
    If you have any adult only jokes you can post them TJA or send them to me and I will post them for you, TJA is in my sig.
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    • Profile picture of the author tagiscom
      If you have any adult only jokes you can post them TJA or send them to me and I will post them for you, TJA is in my sig.
      Ok, PM,ed you the source link, knock yourself out! :p

      Shane
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