There's a moral to most things in life, and here's just a few . . . .


THE BISHOP AND THE DONKEY

A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. He was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race the following month, and it won again. The local paper reported it with headlines that read: PASTOR'S ASS A WINNER.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline reads: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the headline in the paper reads: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and take it to open fields where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop had a heart attack the next day and was buried the following week.

The moral of the story:
Worrying about other peoples opinions can bring you grief and misery, and even shorten your life. So don't worry what people think of you, don't be an ASS, and enjoy your life.



THE BIRD, THE COW, AND THE CAT
(I've told you this one before, but it's worth repeating)

A little bird was flying south for the winter during extremely cold weather. Very soon ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth and landed on some soft hay in a farmyard, almost frozen solid. Just then a cow passed by and crapped on the little bird, who thought it was the end for him, but instead the manure warmed him and slowly he defrosted. Warm, happy, and now able to breathe properly, he started to sing. Very soon a large cat came by and hearing the bird chirping away he investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.

The moral of the story:
1. Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2. Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend.
3. If you find yourself in the shit keep your mouth shut!



THE $300 TOWEL SLIP

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Joe the next door neighbour. Before she can say a word, Joe says, “I’ll give you $300 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Joe.

After a few seconds, Joe hands her $300 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks: “Who was that?” “It was Joe the next door neighbour,” she replies. “Great” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $300 he owes me?”

The moral of the story:
Never allow yourself to be taken in by a generous offer. There's always an ulterior motive behind it.



THE TURKEY, THE BULL, AND THE TREE

A turkey was sat chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of the bulls dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

The moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.



THE PRIEST AND THE NUN

A priest was driving along and spotted a young nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift, which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, causing her habit to open and reveal a shapely leg. The priest looks over and nearly has an accident, and after changing gear lets his hand slide up her leg. She immediately says, "Father, remember Psalm 122". The priest says sorry and removes his hand but is unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on when he changes gear and has ogled at her leg for the hundredth time he lets his hand slide up her leg again. The Nun once again says, "Father remember Psalm 122". He quickly removed his hand.

Arriving at the convent the nun gets out and the priest goes on his way. Once he arrives at his church he rushes to the bible and looks up Psalm 122 and it said, "GO FORTH AND SEEK, FURTHER UP YOU WILL FIND GLORY".

The moral of the story:
Always be well informed in your job, or you may miss a great opportunity.



WHO WILL BE THE BOSS

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who should be in charge. The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away." "No, I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story:
You don't have to be smart or important to be the boss. Just an asshole.



And finally, from a child's perspective . . . .


A teacher sends her class home and asks them to think of a story with a moral to it, to be read out in class the next day.

Young Bob stood up in the classroom the next day and said, "My dad fought in the Vietnam war and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun, and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more, but the blade on his machete broke so he killed the last ten with his bare hands".

The teacher looks in shock at Bob and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story. Young Bob replies, "Yeah . . . don't mess with my dad when he's been drinking".





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