Intellectual jokes

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I graduated in the half of the class that made the top half look good, so I didn't get all these intellectual jokes:

50 People On ‘The Most Intellectual Joke I Know’ | Thought Catalog

My favorites:


Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?


A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5ft to the left, the chemist takes a shot and misses 5ft to the right, the statistician yells “We got ‘em!”
#off topic forum
  • I already posted my fav of this kind but this is it in case anyone missed it.

    Descartes walks into the bar and the bartender asks him if he'd like to try a shot of the 100 year old scotch he just opened. Descartes says "I think not" and disappears.
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    • Great one. They used yours for the pull quote at the top of the article. Honors!

      This is a dumb one from the list but it made me lol:

      "Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says, "Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” He doesn’t react."

      Oy vey, I'm laughing too much at these:

      "Wife walks in on husband, a string theorist, in bed with another woman. He shouts, “I can explain everything!”"
      • [ 1 ] Thanks
  • Despite the fun tech jokes and wordplay, this one captured my attention...

    "Q: What does the 'B' in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for?
    "A: Benoit B. Mandelbrot."

    The phrase 'ruminant rumination' springs to mind...
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  • LOL - that one took me a minute. A little too Hindu koan for me at this hour, I guess. drool.
  • Here are two:

    When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like, OMg.

    A Photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The Photon replies “No I’m traveling light..."
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  • There are two kinds of people: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
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  • Mahatma Gandhi was known to frequently walk barefoot and consequently the soles of his feet became thick and very hard. He also was, of course, known to be a man of deep spiritual conviction. He undertook hunger strikes as a political protest and at times was both thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his weird diet, he suffered from bad breath. VERY bad breath.



    In other words, he was a a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
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  • It IS interesting how you can make jokes from failed jokes!

    There WAS one earlier that said:

    Two chemists walk into a bar....
    1. First chemist.... I would like h20
    2. Second Chemist... I would like some h20 too.
    3. Second chemist DIES....

    HERE....

    Two chemists walk into a bar....
    1. First chemist.... I would like h20
    2. Second Chemist... I would like some water too.
    3. First chemist distraught that his homicide attempt failed.

    Steve
  • A psychic dwarf busted out of prison. The local paper ran the headline:

    "Small Medium at Large"
  • Banned
    "We don't serve faster-than-light particles here", says the barman. A tachyon enters a bar.







    .
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    • An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar (true story ). The first says, "I'll have a beer." The second one says, "I'll have half a beer." The third says, "I'll have a quarter of a beer."

      The barman brings out just two beers.

      The mathematicians protest: "That's all you're giving us? How drunk do you expect us to get on that?"

      The bartender says, "Come on guys. Know your limits."
    • Brilliant. I'm kind of amazed that I got it.
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  • Why are quantum physicists terrible in bed?

    Because when they find the position, they can’t find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can’t find the position.
  • I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm laughing my head off at these. Somebody call my therapist.
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    • What would you like us to call her?

      Ba da bing.

      I would think you are laughing because they are funny (hence the label "jokes")
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  • The monk asked for his change and the vendor said, "I'm sorry. Change comes from within."
  • Q: Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?
    A: To get to the same side.

    The Official Unabashed Scientific Dictionary defines an elementary particle as the dreams that stuff is made of.

    Does a radioactive cat have 18 half-lives?

    A man, complaining of headaches, entered a hospital for diagnostic tests. A doctor examined the results for a brain scan and told the patient, "I have bad news and good news for you. The bad news is that you have a serious brain disease and will die without treatment. The good news is that this hospital has developed a new procedure for brain transplants and due to a car accident this morning two 'fresh' brains are available: one is from a taxi driver and the other is from a scientist. The brain of the taxi driver costs $225,000, while that of the scientist is only $29.95." Puzzled, the patient asked, "Why is the scientist's brain was so much cheaper?" The doctor replied, "It's used."
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    • Question: What is "IT"?

      Astronomers do IT all night.

      Chemists do IT by bonding.

      Newton did IT with force.

      Eighteenth century physicists did IT with rigid bodies.

      Maxwell did IT with magnetism.

      Volta did IT with a jolt.

      Watt did IT with power.

      Joule did IT with energy.

      Ohm did IT with resistance.

      Pascal did IT under pressure.

      Hooke did IT using springs.

      Coulomb got all charged up about IT.

      Hertz did IT frequently.

      Boltzmann did IT in heat.

      Ampere let IT flow.

      For Franklin, IT was an electrifying experience.

      Edison claims to have invented IT.

      When Richter did IT, the Earth shook.

      For Darwin, IT was natural.

      Freud did IT in his sleep.

      Mendel studied the consequences of IT.

      When Wegener did IT, continents moved.

      Classical physicists do IT in perfectly uniform harmonic motion.

      Heisenberg was never sure whether he even did IT.

      Bohr did IT in an excited state.

      Pauli did IT but excluded his friends.

      Schrödinger did IT in waves.

      Bose did IT with partners.

      Einstein did IT on a curved surface.

      Oort did IT in a cloud.

      Hubble did IT in the dark.

      Watson and Crick got all wound up about IT.

      Cosmologists do IT in a big bang.

      Theorists do IT on paper.

      Wigner did IT in a group.

      Richter and Ting did IT with charm.

      Astrophysicists do IT with young starlets.

      Planetary scientists do IT with Uranus.

      Electron microscopists do IT 100,000 times.

      Feynman did IT in fields.

      Hawking wrote a brief history of IT.

      And supersymmetric theorists do IT with sleptons.


      Answer: IT =



      Terra
  • Q: What is the name of the molecule CH2O?
    A: Seawater

    It is reported that Copernicus' parents said the following to him at the age of twelve: "Copernicus, young man, when are you going to come to terms with the fact that the world does not revolve around you."
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    • Banned
      Two psychologists pass each other in the hall of a large university. "How are you?" says one. The other keeps walking and thinks, "I wonder what he meant by that?"

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      Two cats are sitting on the pier. One cat is looking into his tackle box. The other cat turns to him and asks, "Do you have worms", to which the first cat replied, "I don't want to talk about it."
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