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it has not been good

by tradtke
17 replies
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Evening everyone, I'm sorry if I seem to be getting repetitive, but I love this forum and the people who respond so it really helps to release some tension.
TO BEGIN. with my brain surgery recovery the past week i've been having dreams every night. I won't go into the details, but lets just say that there not the running through a field of grass on a warn sunny day towards the love of your life, type of dreams. each night they are different, random never relating to an event in my life, but always the same feeling of chaos loss lonely and no control to fix it. Not only that, but little things that you normally can brush off are now so magnified that you can't manage them. Whats worse is the averyone in marriage has thngs that there souse just bugs you, but you still love her none the less because you marry the package, not because of one thing. Well, now those little things become things that would make you not want to be with her. Not only that but we have twins on the way due in April and i'm not the low life to ditch my family. But then i've read its bad for the children to only stay in a marriage for the children, when you can't stand your wife.


SO, after about a week of this I called my neurologist (parden the spelling). and the Neusugeon and they told me to come in pretty much NOW!. well It turns out that they negleted to tell me that in very rare cases depending on what part of the brain they are removing emotions can be affected. WELL it seems i'm one of those rare ocasions. AND ITS KILLING ME. SOmetime in our lives we have that dream and wake up convinced that you were being chased by that 6 eyes drueling monster, but then you wake up to the safety of your room and relize it was just a dream. Now imagine having these types of dreams, but waking up and the dream continue on, not just for minutes until you wake up, but for hours, and all day sometime. You go back to bed and its just like a refresh and the same thing the next day...for 2 weeks. Its never happened to me before, i've never used drugs, believe or not, don't drink, and don't smoke. This happened right after the surgery. Along wih these drugs i have to go for an MRI and see a shrink, which is going to be hard because i'm more of a take care of my problems by myself type of people. I'm desperate now though so i'll try anything. I feel like i have 1000 lbs on my shoulder and want to escape. Allthough i'm careful who I saw that to because you can imagine the results of telling a doc. I'm desperate for this to end.
I've decided to try to do something to help me focus and challenge these things. I don't want to lose my wife or children so I need to find something. Its funny, but I think i'm going to buy some Legos, becuase I love them and they give me a sense of peace. I figure I can go to the store and if i get funny looks like just respond "there for my kid" ummm yea HAHA.
i'm in a hard spot because im restricted from lifting heavy weights, exerting large energy or phisical labor. Well, my personal therepy to relief stress is pushing hard on my mtn bike or kayake. Spend some time lifting weights, home improvement work or I like spending time at the gun range putting holes in defensless pieces of paper. Believe it or not when I shoot my rifle I control my breathing, sound is focus slienced with ear protection. Eyes are focused on the scop and trigger finger moves so slowly and carefully. Its perfect, yet I can't do it. Not only that but Im restricted from driving yet to. Its the worst possible combination and its driving me insane. Tomorrow i'm buying some legos, can't wait. lets see if it works.
I've been making a journal on my website and thats helping really alot. If anyone is interested in following me please stop by. I love comments and responses. You can leave messages if you like and they just go to my email. Don't worry I just use them to respond back to you.
OK, don't venting, but thanks for listening.
  • Profile picture of the author Kay King
    This happened right after the surgery.
    It was BRAIN surgery - not surprising there might be side effects that weren't anticipated.

    Along wih these drugs i have to go for an MRI and see a shrink, which is going to be hard because i'm more of a take care of my problems by myself type of people.
    This isn't a problem you can take care of on your own - DO the MRI and see the psychiatrist.

    The most positive thing about your post is that you KNOW this isn't normal - you realize this is a result of your surgery.

    But then i've read its bad for the children to only stay in a marriage for the children, when you can't stand your wife.
    But - that's not real. It's emotions that is messed up due to the surgery - try to remember that. Whatever you do - tell your wife how hard this is. Don't close her out. It will be hard for her but it's not easy for her now, either.

    If you have the ability to sit and read some stuff - I did a search for

    personality changes after brain surgery

    and found some fascinating information and stories. If you haven't looked this up online - do it. You aren't alone and there are ways to cope with this. It takes time - and help - but you can do this!

    It must be terribly hard for you - especially when you thought you had sort of flown through the surgery. Some of the articles might help your wife understand the changes you're dealing with, too.

    Legos might be a good idea - a camera might help, too. It might provide the same "silence" you find with a gun.
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  • Profile picture of the author HeySal
    I agree with Kay. It's just too early for you to panic - yet I'm sure you are miserable at the time.

    Let your wife know what you are going through. Can you walk a little bit? Get out somewhere comforting to your senses and do some walking. At night before bed concentrate on happy thoughts or fall asleep in front of a youtube with something positive and comforting or funny playing if you need help controlling your thoughts.

    Eat extreme for health and stay away from toxins as much as possible to give yourself time to heal with the least interference as possible. If things get too bad, rent a hotel for a week or so and give yourself a quiet vacation for awhile.

    And hang in there.........you'll be okay eventually. It's natural to want to be well right away - but it takes time to heal - especially after a surgery that invades the brain. You can and will do it, though, so hang in.
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  • Profile picture of the author seasoned
    Tradtke,

    I hate to say it, but current science says that there are a few key AREAS to the brain, and related areas. Just talking about the BRAIN, one part affects emotion, another control, another long term memory, another shorter memory, another kind of transitory memory, and another very short memory.

    As an example, hurting the part that affects emotion can make you an emotional WRECK. Hurting the control area could change a nice meek shy guy into a nasty evil who knows what. And the VERY short memory? Well, ever see 50 first dates? 50 First Dates Trailer - IMDb That kind of thing really CAN happen! Luckily, it is deep in the head in the bottom center of the brain. Symptoms can range from you becoming more forgetful to being virtually unable to remember.

    And then there are the two halves of the brain. Disabling part could even cause partial paralysis. And that is ESPECIALLY pronounced as you get older. 20yo, in this context is virtually a FOSSIL!

    So BE HAPPY you aren't worse!

    On the BRIGHT side, there is shock and healing! Give yourself a couple weeks, and you may feel MUCH better.

    Steve
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    • Profile picture of the author tradtke
      thanks everyone, very good advice. I busted out the lego box from my parents home and set up shop at mine. Man, I didn't realize how many I had. I also wanted to thank you for being patient. I don't want to become one of those "here we go again" type of guys. The healing is very slow, I have 3...well now 4 if you consider the counselor.
      I'm starting to figure things out to help calm the emotions, but not short term, i'm looking more for long term. I figure even if this problem is solved within a couple months a little meditation can't do any harm at any state of mind.
      fortunately i didn't become the evil type of person Part of my concern is that the timing to have it was not really the greatest with twins on the way and the house torn apart, but then nothing happens on the perfect time. Over all I'm doing ok, and taking actions immediately that I hope will help, but its still very hard and I almost have to force myself to get help because my nature i'm a "i'll deal with it myself" type of person. I'm slowly being let off some restrictions so i've been getting outside and doing more active activities. Yesterday I went for some Cabelas therapy and tomorrow is going to be some lego store followed by boat show therapy. For now I think its about time for some Lego Therapy.
      I am going to try to post a lot on my blog because writing seems to help, getting it out of my head rather than bottled up inside. Its weird to, because i'm not a writer. O well, time for some changes, nothing wrong with that.
      Music also helps a lot, I made meditation CD. I posted one of my all time favorite relaxing songs on my blog. If you like check it out, i'd like to know what you think. Its one of those songs where you hate it or love it...no in between
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      • Profile picture of the author thunderbird
        Originally Posted by tradtke View Post

        thanks everyone, very good advice. I busted out the lego box from my parents home and set up shop at mine. Man, I didn't realize how many I had. I also wanted to thank you for being patient. I don't want to become one of those "here we go again" type of guys. The healing is very slow, I have 3...well now 4 if you consider the counselor.
        I'm starting to figure things out to help calm the emotions, but not short term, i'm looking more for long term. I figure even if this problem is solved within a couple months a little meditation can't do any harm at any state of mind.
        fortunately i didn't become the evil type of person Part of my concern is that the timing to have it was not really the greatest with twins on the way and the house torn apart, but then nothing happens on the perfect time. Over all I'm doing ok, and taking actions immediately that I hope will help, but its still very hard and I almost have to force myself to get help because my nature i'm a "i'll deal with it myself" type of person. I'm slowly being let off some restrictions so i've been getting outside and doing more active activities. Yesterday I went for some Cabelas therapy and tomorrow is going to be some lego store followed by boat show therapy. For now I think its about time for some Lego Therapy.
        I am going to try to post a lot on my blog because writing seems to help, getting it out of my head rather than bottled up inside. Its weird to, because i'm not a writer. O well, time for some changes, nothing wrong with that.
        Music also helps a lot, I made meditation CD. I posted one of my all time favorite relaxing songs on my blog. If you like check it out, i'd like to know what you think. Its one of those songs where you hate it or love it...no in between
        I'm not an expert, but I do know that research shows that the brain turning out to be much more plastic and adaptable than scientists previously believed., even in adult years. Neurofeedback (or biofeedback from which it branched) might be something you could look into. It has been effective with individuals afflicted with post traumatic stress syndrome (which often involves some brain damage)
        Can neurofeedback help you control your mood? | MNN - Mother Nature Network

        As others said, you just had brain surgery and you are in a healing stage. Of course there are going to be major changes and fluctuations in how you feel and you must not forget that.

        Lego! I've been playing with Lego every day lately. My 3-year-old son is into Lego big-time and often insists that I accompany him in making stuff. After a while, he'll prefer to play with it alone. Might sound odd, but maybe you could play Lego with your wife, but just for short periods of time.
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      • Profile picture of the author Irish802
        Hello! Looking forward to following your progress! Having been through an extremely difficult time myself, I do know this. As I look back on it now, times of uncertainty have made me a better person. It's a slow process, but you will get to a better place. Deep breathing, exercise (walking for me), and talking things out helped. Baby steps.
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        • Profile picture of the author Kay King
          I need to get my head symptoms taken care of before they are born because i fear it would be a disaster if I had to deal with this after they are born.
          Don't put that pressure on yourself. When the babies arrive they will be fully involved in food-in, poop-out and sleep for a while. It won't be a disaster - children don't demand perfection of their parents.
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  • Profile picture of the author Ron Lafuddy
    tradtke,

    Take a deep breath........exhale slowly....slowly.....and relax. It's going to be ok.

    Let that "1,000 lb. weight" fall from your shoulders, Okay? It doesn't belong there.

    Your job is to heal, to live and to love.

    The healing is going to take some time. The living and the loving, you can start immediately.

    You must give yourself the gifts of time and patience in order that you may heal properly and completely.

    There are 3 areas of healing that need to take place after a surgery such as yours. There is the physical, the mental, and the spiritual. Each will require your attention in order to heal completely.

    Another thing, LISTEN TO YOUR WIFE. Do what she tells you to do, when she tells you to do it. Be Man Enough....Strong Enough...to let your wife take the lead and you follow.

    Ask for her opinion, her help and guidance. Women are better thinkers in situations like yours, than we men are. This is an opportunity for you to build new bonds, deeper love and strengthen your relationship with her. Do it.

    Go with the flow and roll with the punches, my friend. I'll be checking here and at your blog for your updates.


    By the way, I'm on the other side of the lake from you, (Lake Michigan). Maybe you and I can go fishing, someday. I'll bring the bait.
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    • Profile picture of the author tradtke
      Originally Posted by Ron Lafuddy View Post

      tradtke,

      Take a deep breath........exhale slowly....slowly.....and relax. It's going to be ok.

      Let that "1,000 lb. weight" fall from your shoulders, Okay? It doesn't belong there.

      Your job is to heal, to live and to love.

      The healing is going to take some time. The living and the loving, you can start immediately.

      You must give yourself the gifts of time and patience in order that you may heal properly and completely.

      There are 3 areas of healing that need to take place after a surgery such as yours. There is the physical, the mental, and the spiritual. Each will require your attention in order to heal completely.

      Another thing, LISTEN TO YOUR WIFE. Do what she tells you to do, when she tells you to do it. Be Man Enough....Strong Enough...to let your wife take the lead and you follow.

      Ask for her opinion, her help and guidance. Women are better thinkers in situations like yours, than we men are. This is an opportunity for you to build new bonds, deeper love and strengthen your relationship with her. Do it.

      Go with the flow and roll with the punches, my friend. I'll be checking here and at your blog for your updates.


      By the way, I'm on the other side of the lake from you, (Lake Michigan). Maybe you and I can go fishing, someday. I'll bring the bait.
      thanks, how is the fishing over there? Last year was pretty bad for us, although I think it was mostly because every time we had time to go it was bad weather. were more the fair weather fans so once the waves hit 3 feet we head back to the dock.
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      • Profile picture of the author tradtke
        thanks again for all the suggestions. I keep posting on my blog so that helps. Probably again tonight for anyone who is interested. I'm going to go out to the boat show today so I can out so i'll spend some time typing tonight.
        I've been trying to occupy myself with chores that need to be done around the house. I got lots done last night, the only problem was once I looked at the clock it was 5AM. O well, it was worth it. Today is going to be a clean up day, which surprisingly is enjoyable to me. Especially when I feel like things are getting organized.

        I did come to the conclusion last night that i'm not desperate to escape, but rather desperate to fix things. So that was a big leap. I guess we will see where it goes from here, again, thanks all.
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        • Profile picture of the author Kay King
          i'm not desperate to escape, but rather desperate to fix things
          Time...to heal....to have babies....

          Just a comment for what it's worth. I've noticed in posts here and on your blog you talk about "my twins". This has been true since before the surgery when you posted "I have twins on the way".

          Maybe I've missed it but I don't see "our" or "we". Your decision to have the surgery was because of "my twins".

          I don't get all the circumstances from a few posts and a blog but my perception is while you are going through the problems with your surgery - your wife is going through a pregnancy involving twins. That's a big deal.

          You are both in emotional turmoil - and that is to be expected. Being in it for different reasons but at the same time could break a relationship. The best gift you can give your twins is a home with two parents who respect and love each other.
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          • Profile picture of the author tradtke
            good point, and I see what you mean. We have been both supportive with each other. I have no clue how my wife does it. I made the blog as more of a father relationship to the twins so its not meant to exclude my wife but I think that even though two parents raising them together even in the most lovable family there is a small relationship separate between each parents. We have often talked about "what kind of parents" are you going to be and we are on the same page...about most things..the most important things.
            I need to get my head symptoms taken care of before they are born because i fear it would be a disaster if I had to deal with this after they are born. I feel like i am feeling better, but still get dreams at night, just not every night. Writing helps a lot because it helps reflect. I'm looking foward towards the results of the MRI and talking to the shrink. (i call her a shrink not out of disrespect, but simply I"m horrible at spelling and don't wan to look it up in the middle of a post.
            well, I think its time to do some cleaning and organizing around the house because thats helping alot, then spend some qualitly time between me and the legos. thanks for listening and visiting my blog. i've got a long road, but i'm on the right path
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  • Profile picture of the author David Braybrooke
    Wish you the best!
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  • Profile picture of the author pnehal
    personality changes after brain surgery

    they even make it on movies/tv series
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  • Profile picture of the author duvik
    It can be worth it to stay with the kids even if you and your spouse are at odds more often than not. Conflict is a part of marriage and it won't get any better with anyone else or by yerself.

    I speak from experience with the same issue (minus the surgery)

    You loved that woman enough to marry her... she also puts up with your shi(p)

    Yer brain is a bit wonky right now and she is affected as much as ye...

    Yer kids are worth the struggle my man.

    Sorry to get all preachy on you.

    When you hit rock bottom, the only way to go is up.
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  • Profile picture of the author Virtualghost
    The brain also heals itself over time and makes up for past damage etc.As they say time heals and over time you'll improve.
    Try yoga with a local Asian teacher they are fantastic.
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  • Profile picture of the author tradtke
    Again, I can't thank you enough. Today I have the MRI, actually I meed to get going. Part of me feels like they find something wrong, because if nothing is wrong, but I feel wrong it just makes it more difficult, although if they find something wrong, well that's usually a bad thing. I also see the psych Doc. so i'm very interested to see what she says. I never thought I'd be excited to see one of those. I go back to work tomorrow and am excited for that, spend a lot of time i the basement cleaning up. I've noticed though that all this stuff I just want to do by myself. Its not that i don't want to spend time with my wife, its just i want to be by myself. We joke, because when guys have man rooms, I have a man corner. Well, i'm off, i'll report on my blog on the results. with all my luck i'm going to get my MRI and hear 'WHERE DID IT GO!!!!!" HAHA I think i'm going to engage in some lego and popcorn therapy.
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