[True Story (maybe)] How Offline Marketing Began...

Imagine waking up one morning and crawling out of your cave.

You know, back when you lived in a cave?

Ah, those were the days. Life seemed so peaceful.

No noisy neighbors.

Oh sure, there were the occasional dinosaur close calls. But hey, things just weren't so hectic.

Anyways, as you walk out of the cave you see a strange sight. There stands your wife in one of the sexiest looking get-ups you had ever seen.

Wow, you thought she can really rock that animal fur.

Honey, you stammer almost intelligently, you look stunning.

Thanks, she says, as she turns around slowly giving your eyes the full pleasure of her body.

Glad you like it, I made it myself.

You, being the entrepreneur that you are suddenly had a flash of an idea.

I wouldn't have to hunt as much if I could make some more of these outfits and trade them for some meat to some of the cave people that live down in the valley.

You knew you could do it. After all, if the outfit turned you on you knew it would work for the other fellas.

So an idea was born.

Soon your wife was busy cutting furs into sexy little outfits, and you were making trips down to the valley trading them for fruit and meat.

Life was just beautiful.

Things couldn't get much better.

Then one day, the you know what hit the you know what. It was a day you won't forget.

As you walked into the village with your back loaded down with sexy little outfits, you stopped in your tracks. There coming towards you was a woman wearing an even hotter little number.

The more you looked, the more you noticed there were others wearing the same outfit. What the... you thought.

Didn't take you long to discover you had competition. Yep, Yolanda Smith had seen your outfits and decided to one-up you with her own design.

When you got back to the cave, still having most of the outfits slung over your shoulders, you felt miserable.

Sit down baby, I've got some bad news.

You tell your wife what you saw. You just knew she was gonna take it hard.

Suddenly she jumped up and stomped her feet, "I thought you looked a little happier than usual when you got back today...must have been because you saw all those sexy women down there!"

What the...?

This was the day you started to realize you didn't know a whole lot about women, or marketing for that matter.

Well, the choice was clear. You'd have to either resign yourself to hunting more...or...
hmmm, wonder if I could outdo what Yolanda outdid and outdo her outdid?

The war was on.

You stayed up all night brainstorming a new outfit. Around dawn you hit on a great idea, you'd put a slit up the side.

The women loved it...then, Yolanda came out with a little number with a bigger slit.

You put a slit on both sides.

Yolanda put a slit on both sides and up the back.

Yolanda made the neckline lower.

You made the hemline higher and copied her neckline idea.

She came out with different colors, you came out swinging with a hot two-piece. Then one day...

There he was.,,

Gary, was prancing down the path with his own version of sexiness.

What the...?

That was the day you discovered you and Yolanda both had competition. Gary had come out with a line of sexy clothes for men.

Baby, you said as you walked into the cave, I've got some bad news...you knew she was gonna take it hard.

Time to bring in some big guns you thought as you slinked out of the cave.

It had been about three years since you and your wife started hawking sexy clothes. A whole lot of other entrepreneurs had sprung into action.

There was the couple who started Teradactyl express, they offered to take your stuff to other villages further away. They had their own competition from Dinosaur Dan's overnight delivery service.

Couple other fellas were jumping on the bandwagon...

the boneyard offered to sharpen the bones that were needed to cut the furs to make the garments. They had competition from Sally's Stones which touted stones could be made sharper and last longer than bones.

Rub a Dub Dub was a group of women that would walk around the village wearing your outfits. Guess you could call them the first modeling agency. They had competition from Fur Babies who went one step further and offered to travel to other villages wearing your stuff.

Cavewomen Raw sprang up. It was a local bar cave that hired ex Rub A Dub and Fur
Babies models to serve fresh excitement to tired weary cavemen.

Mammoth News was started just to cover all the excitement.

The list just went on and on and got bigger each passing day.

Then one day, along came a couple that would change everything.

Bob and Betty.

They didn't have the least bit of skill to design a sexy outfit or have the desire to haul your stuff anywhere. They hit on their own unique idea.

They said they'd get you more sales, period.

You didn't have to worry about a thing.

And boy were they good.

Thus the first advertising agency was formed.

They had a way of understanding people. They could pull at your heartstrings.

They were the bomb. You were lucky if you had them on your side.

Gary grabbed them.

Years later Gary told a close friend, "I always pitied the fool that didn't have them working for them."

Knock offs sprang up.

Happy Fred had his own ideas that could skyrocket your sales. He promised if you wore Yolanda's stuff you'd have all the men falling at your feet and worshipping you.

Gabby Gina bragged she had a way with men that could win any man's heart...she'd sell more than anyone else by promising if you wore Bob's outfits you'd be the best-liked in all the village.

Parrot Pete thought he had the answer by promising if you wore Gary's outfits, you'd be well respected by everyone.

There was so much news from all the advertising agencies that soon Mammoth Times had major competition.

Other stone tablets were being started...all competing for the best stories and another thing they had found out...people like to read a good story, and hey while they were reading why not sell advertising.

It was all starting to spin horribly out of control.

One day Larry, the village leader was so frustrated with all the hype that he grabbed his rock hammer and chiseled a message on the wall of the mammoth times.

It simply read:

I will not tolerate anymore lying.

Buzz going around was that he had no luck finding a wife after falling for Crazy Bob's promises.

No one really knew the truth, but the writing was on the wall.

The advertising people got a little more clever. They didn't come right out and lie...they simply started using fancy words that could be taken one way or another, depending on who was trying to verify the facts.

For example, they didn't say Yolanda's outfits would get you tons of guys, they just simply showed a picture of one of Fur Babies models and let everyone get their own ideas.

They didn't say anymore that Bob's clothes would make you popular. They just paid the popular people in the village to wear them. Then they let others make their own decisions.

They didn't say Gary's clothes would make you a better lover. They just gave Morty, a guy in the village that all the women adored, an outfit to wear and let all the women decide.

Their prices weren't cheap either. You would easily have to pay a whole mammoth just to get them to work for you.

It all kept getting crazier and crazier...

and now you know how the whole offline marketing thing came into existence...as I'm sure you remember.