The Ultimate Sales Letter? Catching the BIG fish.

14 replies
Hey gang,
It's been a while since I've hung out around here - I'm looking for some feedback on a letter I wrote to a local business owner. I used to be a huge follower of AP's before he self ignited and blew up. In fact I do have his WSO and a number of others. I used his strategies back in the day to help a brand new realtor in a field of 200+ agents quickly slide into the Top 10 for our city. I have a strong passion for marketing (I don't know why, really) and 2020 is the year I go full-time!
This business owner I wrote to below and I have known each other for years. He owns a truck repair shop, and I used to be a truck mechanic, so I need to show him that I have another skill set (marketing) separate from wrenching.
Anyways, I am trying to get my foot in the door and wrote him a message a month ago with a muddy response - now I'm trying to lay it all out for him. I'm looking for all feedback on this - I actually wrote it utilizing strategies from Russel Brunson's book "Expert Secrets".
Here's my letter with the company name removed for obvious reasons:

Good morning __________,
I know you're busy, so I'll get right to the point.
Everyone is talking about the shitty economy, right? All the shops in ____________ are quiet right now, because the oil patch is slow. Your shop isn't busy because the oil patch is slow. Is THAT what your thinking?
The patch is slow, yes - but unfortunately that's not the only reason your shop is slower that it should be.
Here's something to think about - there are dozens more shops in the city today that there was 5 years ago. Every single one of those shops is stealing YOUR business. It doesn't have to be that way, but it is. You need a fence around your customers (to protect your herd) and I want to show you how. But we'll come back to that.
You've put your life into building this business.
Your whole financial future lies in the success of this new shop. My goal is to help you grow to be the largest/busiest/most profitable non-dealership shop in ______________.
When I was walking around your shop today, I could not believe all the marketing opportunities I saw. Parts, service, warranties, dyno, etc.
Peter Drucker, the great business consultant is quoted: "Marketing and innovation make money, everything else is a cost."
What's this all about? Why do I keep hounding you?
Sam, if I can have 60-90 minutes of your time to get some specific info about your business, I'd really like to assemble a marketing blueprint for you, SPECIFIC to _______________.
I wouldn't waste your time. I know you're busy.

WHY do I want to do this?
Well, to be frank - I want to be your marketing manager. Like I laid out at Christmas, when it comes to business, marketing is my forte. (I do have my downfalls in business, but marketing isn't one of them) But I don't have a degree, so the only way I can prove my value to you, is to prepare a marketing blueprint for your shop. Once you see what I can do for you, I know you'll want me on your team - and not on your competitors.
It wasn't until you and I were chatting on messenger that I realized how much marketing knowledge I have - and SPECIFICALLY to a heavy duty repair shop.
I'm approaching you first, because you have the most state of the art shop in ___________________, and I think you have the most to gain from my services.
Marketing is one of those things: everyone knows is necessary in business; unfortunately for most repair shop owners, marketing is a misunderstood asset. It's not their fault though - there is no marketing manual for truck repair shops - well not till now.
I'll give it to you __________, you've done everything right, and you've got almost all the pieces in place. Excellent techs, a great partsman, a state of the art shop, and a dyno. There is really nothing left other than a herd of truckers who need trucks maintained or repaired.
They're out there. Your customers.
I want to help you bring in new business by fishing for those new customers with irresistible bait that'll keep new customers calling every week.
I also want to help you protect your "herd" from the dozens of other shops in ________________ trying to steal those trucks.
Maybe you're not interested. I can respect that. There are plenty of competitor shops I can work with, to build their client base, but ___________________ is ultimately who I want to work with and help grow.
Let me know you thoughts.
I'd like to meet as soon as possible.

Thanks,
Jeremy


Please let me know your thoughts on this guys!
#big #catching #fish #letter #sales #ultimate
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  • Profile picture of the author DABK
    Paste it again, with spaces between paragraphs. I am having a hard time reading it because of that.


    I am having a hard time reading it for other reasons.


    General rule: if you know I'm busy, don't start by telling me you're going to get to the point because you know how busy I am, that's just showing me you do not know. Instead, just get to the point.




    I don't care about the shitty economy. I care about my economy. Skip to me, me, me, me, the business owner you want to get.


    I did not read the whole thing... too hard, uninteresting. Sorry.





    Originally Posted by jeremytfleming View Post

    Hey gang,
    It's been a while since I've hung out around here - I'm looking for some feedback on a letter I wrote to a local business owner. I used to be a huge follower of AP's before he self ignited and blew up. In fact I do have his WSO and a number of others. I used his strategies back in the day to help a brand new realtor in a field of 200+ agents quickly slide into the Top 10 for our city. I have a strong passion for marketing (I don't know why, really) and 2020 is the year I go full-time!
    This business owner I wrote to below and I have known each other for years. He owns a truck repair shop, and I used to be a truck mechanic, so I need to show him that I have another skill set (marketing) separate from wrenching.
    Anyways, I am trying to get my foot in the door and wrote him a message a month ago with a muddy response - now I'm trying to lay it all out for him. I'm looking for all feedback on this - I actually wrote it utilizing strategies from Russel Brunson's book "Expert Secrets".
    Here's my letter with the company name removed for obvious reasons:

    Good morning __________,
    I know you're busy, so I'll get right to the point.
    Everyone is talking about the shitty economy, right? All the shops in ____________ are quiet right now, because the oil patch is slow. Your shop isn't busy because the oil patch is slow. Is THAT what your thinking?
    The patch is slow, yes - but unfortunately that's not the only reason your shop is slower that it should be.
    Here's something to think about - there are dozens more shops in the city today that there was 5 years ago. Every single one of those shops is stealing YOUR business. It doesn't have to be that way, but it is. You need a fence around your customers (to protect your herd) and I want to show you how. But we'll come back to that.
    You've put your life into building this business.
    Your whole financial future lies in the success of this new shop. My goal is to help you grow to be the largest/busiest/most profitable non-dealership shop in ______________.
    When I was walking around your shop today, I could not believe all the marketing opportunities I saw. Parts, service, warranties, dyno, etc.
    Peter Drucker, the great business consultant is quoted: "Marketing and innovation make money, everything else is a cost."
    What's this all about? Why do I keep hounding you?
    Sam, if I can have 60-90 minutes of your time to get some specific info about your business, I'd really like to assemble a marketing blueprint for you, SPECIFIC to _______________.
    I wouldn't waste your time. I know you're busy.

    WHY do I want to do this?
    Well, to be frank - I want to be your marketing manager. Like I laid out at Christmas, when it comes to business, marketing is my forte. (I do have my downfalls in business, but marketing isn't one of them) But I don't have a degree, so the only way I can prove my value to you, is to prepare a marketing blueprint for your shop. Once you see what I can do for you, I know you'll want me on your team - and not on your competitors.
    It wasn't until you and I were chatting on messenger that I realized how much marketing knowledge I have - and SPECIFICALLY to a heavy duty repair shop.
    I'm approaching you first, because you have the most state of the art shop in ___________________, and I think you have the most to gain from my services.
    Marketing is one of those things: everyone knows is necessary in business; unfortunately for most repair shop owners, marketing is a misunderstood asset. It's not their fault though - there is no marketing manual for truck repair shops - well not till now.
    I'll give it to you __________, you've done everything right, and you've got almost all the pieces in place. Excellent techs, a great partsman, a state of the art shop, and a dyno. There is really nothing left other than a herd of truckers who need trucks maintained or repaired.
    They're out there. Your customers.
    I want to help you bring in new business by fishing for those new customers with irresistible bait that'll keep new customers calling every week.
    I also want to help you protect your "herd" from the dozens of other shops in ________________ trying to steal those trucks.
    Maybe you're not interested. I can respect that. There are plenty of competitor shops I can work with, to build their client base, but ___________________ is ultimately who I want to work with and help grow.
Let me know you thoughts.
    I'd like to meet as soon as possible.

    Thanks,
    Jeremy


    Please let me know your thoughts on this guys!
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  • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
    Sam, I Want To Be Your Marketing Manager, And I'm Willing To Work For Free To Prove What I Can Do For You

    Here's something to think about - there are dozens more shops in the city today that there was 5 years ago. Every single one of those shops is stealing YOUR business. It doesn't have to be that way, but it is. You need a fence around your customers (to protect your herd) and I want to show you how.

    .My goal is to help you grow to be the largest/busiest/most profitable non-dealership shop in ______________.
    When I was walking around your shop today, I could not believe all the marketing opportunities I saw. Parts, service, warranties, dyno, etc.

    What's this all about? Why do I keep hounding you?
    Sam, if I can have 60-90 minutes of your time to get some specific info about your business, I'd really like to assemble a marketing blueprint for you, SPECIFIC to _______________.
    I wouldn't waste your time. I know you're busy.

    WHY do I want to do this?
    Well, to be frank - I want to be your marketing manager. Like I laid out at Christmas, when it comes to business, marketing is my forte. And the only way I can prove my value to you, is to prepare a marketing blueprint for your shop. I'm willing to do it for free.
    Once you see what I can do for you, I know you'll want me on your team - and not on your competitors.


    They're out there. Your customers.
    I want to help you bring in new business by fishing for those new customers with irresistible bait that'll keep new customers calling every week.
    I also want to help you protect your "herd" from the dozens of other shops in ________________ trying to steal those trucks.


    I'd like to meet as soon as possible. If I don't hear from you in a few days, I'll call to make an appointment with you.

    Thanks,
    Jeremy


    -------------------------------------

    There. A shorter, to the point, offering to get his attention.

    Brunson's book Expert Secrets is phenomenal for creating a full blown sales presentation or webinar of maybe 90 minutes. But as bait to get a meeting? No.

    Bribes open doors. And a free offer of your services will make him see that you are serious.

    The obvious "concieled threat" of working for a competitor would piss me off, and ruin any chance you have. Also, don't tell him why he's successful, or why he's not getting the business he wants. He thinks he already knows.
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    • Profile picture of the author savidge4
      Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

      Here's something to think about - there are dozens more shops in the city today that there was 5 years ago. Every single one of those shops is stealing YOUR business. It doesn't have to be that way, but it is. You need a fence around your customers (to protect your herd) and I want to show you how.
      I'm sure this line makes sense to you... but, I'm not feeling it... to be honest I have no idea what that means really.... I'm guessing Customer Retention? If that's the case, that would be the term I would use. In relation to this pitch.. I would just drop the concept all together. YOUR GOAL ( below ) is greater motivation to work with you than the idea of "Protecting your herd"

      Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

      My goal is to help you grow to be the largest/busiest/most profitable non-dealership shop in ______________.
      When I was walking around your shop today, I could not believe all the marketing opportunities I saw. Parts, service, warranties, dyno, etc.
      ME.. the laymen as it pertains to auto shop "opportunities" would walk around and see all of these things... YOU, having worked not only in shop's, but this guys shop, creates the opportunity for separation. Meaning, your working knowledge of the industry ( and specifically this guy ) separates you from all of the other advertising offers that come in on a daily basis. so something like:

      My experience wrenching, and full understanding all of the services you provide, puts me in a position unlike other marketers to make this goal a reality.

      IF and when you pitch to other shop owners, you can easily add the amount of experience you have to develop an amount of credibility within the industry

      My 2 cents anyways... hope it helps!
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      • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
        Originally Posted by savidge4 View Post

        I'm sure this line makes sense to you... but, I'm not feeling it... to be honest I have no idea what that means really....

        It was a quick read through for me. I wouldn't use the word "Herd" unless I knew for sure that it resonated with the prospect.

        I also missed that he used to work for the guy. That would make it much harder. If I were the OP, I'd just target a different business, unless I was good friends with the owner.
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        • Profile picture of the author savidge4
          Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

          I also missed that he used to work for the guy. That would make it much harder. If I were the OP, I'd just target a different business, unless I was good friends with the owner.
          The "IF and when" is targeting exactly that... You can never say that pitching to this type of relationship is a waste... but it rarely goes well - in terms of closing the deal.
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  • Profile picture of the author umc
    "I'll get right to the point" .........then an awful lot of buildup to the point. You didn't get right to the point at all.

    I'm not sure that "shitty" stands out as professional.

    WHY bring up that you have downfalls in business?! You just raised doubt.

    "There is no manual for marketing for these shops.....until now". Okay, where is it? Or are you saying that you're going to create it. Maybe "until we create it together"? Just thinking aloud.

    "I'll give it to you" comes off very condescending to me as a mechanic telling this to a truck repair shop owner.

    Honestly, you're going to have a hard time, in my opinion, getting a person that has always seen you as one thing (a mechanic) to get to see you as a marketing manager.

    You've known this guy for a long time and you're using a veiled threat at the end to push him to work with you. Work with me or I'll go help your competitor.

    I could go on.........not a fan of saying that you didn't realize how much you knew until you talked to him either.

    Personally it's not my style but there is no one right way to do something like this. I would personally react poorly to such a letter. It comes off a strange mix of arrogant and unconfident to me. But I'm not some copy guru. You asked for feedback so I'm just giving it.

    By the way, who is AP? It's making me think of someone from back in the day but I can't put the name together. I may even have one of his programs.

    If it was me I'd just go talk to this guy, hat in hand, and tell him I would love a chance to prove myself and tell him some of my ideas. I'd buy him lunch. Everyone eats, and who doesn't appreciate a free lunch. I'd then ask for the opportunity to work with him because I respected him and who better to work with. Again, that's just me though. Best of luck to you. I'd love to see you get this gig that you want so badly.
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  • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
    Jeremy, as a general rule, the more you give a person to decide,
    he/she will move slower or decide not to take the next step.

    So by ma.king it easier on them and you,
    make that decision easy by asking for something tiny.

    Not only that, make it so it doesn't trigger a
    "what am I getting myself into"
    thought.

    You can do this by going for a no.

    Your reader feels safe once he/she says no, the guard is down
    and is now open to hearing what you have to say.

    With this in mind,
    you turn yes orientated requests into no answers.

    This sounds weird, I know,
    here is some examples to get a feel of the difference
    between the two approaches...


    .................................................. ...............................................

    Hey, Joe, I've got some ideas that are killing it for truck shops
    and I'd like to pass them on to you.

    Got 10 minutes this Thursday at 4.30
    or would Friday at 9.45 am suit best?

    Hey Joe, would it be a crazy idea for us to meet up
    this week and tell you what truck shops are doing to kill it
    .?

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    First Joe doesn't have to think about marketing
    and cloud that decision with his biases towards it.

    Secondly, it's not about you the guy who he probably
    thinks is a grease monkey.

    It's about other successful truck shops.

    And thirdly you are triggering a no by saying
    it's not a crazy idea to hearing what
    those other truck shops are doing.

    It could mean that this week is too busy and
    he will suggest another time and date.

    You win.

    And don't be tempted to write anymore.

    Best,
    Ewen

    P.S.Added a few minutes later.

    When you talk with him about what the other successful truck shops are doing
    and he's not, ask if it would be a crazy idea for you
    to implement those marketing ideas in his biz.



    .
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  • Profile picture of the author jeremytfleming
    Thanks for all the advice guys. I never worked for the gentleman, but we've known each other on a casual basis for 20 yrs. I also owned a repair shop for a short time when the economy was in the tank.
    Some great feedback here. Thank you.
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  • Profile picture of the author eccj
    My take.....

    It's odd to write such a sales letter to a person you know.
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    • Profile picture of the author jeremytfleming
      Understandable. I had sent him a less thought message earlier and haven't got the reply I wanted. This is a last ditch effort the raise his curiosity.
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      • Profile picture of the author GordonJ
        Originally Posted by jeremytfleming View Post

        Understandable. I had sent him a less thought message earlier and haven't got the reply I wanted. This is a last ditch effort the raise his curiosity.
        You sent a less thought message earlier and did not get the reply you wanted, correct? You're done with this guy. Move on. Stay friendly, and maybe down the road, MAYBE, he will refer you. But highly doubtful. Please prove me wrong if you can, I'll eat my hat.

        GordonJ

        PS. Consider it a learning experience, and measure thrice, before making the cut...and from here out, send a WELL THOUGHT OUT message to your prospects.
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  • Profile picture of the author animal44
    Why a letter? If you know the guy, get face to face.
    Do not sell, qualify. It could be he's perfectly happy with his lot and is not a prospect.
    How do you know him? If you meet him at the pub, Sailing club, or whatever, get him into conversation. Find out his nightmares. See if there's a fit. Then offer solutions, as in "wouldn't it be a good idea if..." "What do you think would happen if you did..." If you've got a case study, tell him about it.
    He'll realise that you're a marketing genius and hire you on the spot.
    Even if he's not interested, he may be a source of referrals.
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  • Profile picture of the author Kay King
    haven't got the reply I wanted
    My guess is you 'got' the reply he intended. If he were interested in the 'less thought' message, he would have asked for more information. I would move on to a new target rather than spend a lot of time on this one.
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  • Gotta wonder what my feelin' is right now as __________ the whatevah guy.

    Am I bein' treated sweet here -- or kinda rough?

    See, cos evrythin' you askin' by means of a ? (in ordah to elicit a myootyooly agreeable solootion) sounds way too agressive rn.

    How do I know?

    bcs cut & paste!

    So here are the DIRECT QUESTIONS you pose ...

    Everyone is talking about the shitty economy, right?
    Is THAT what your thinking?
    What's this all about? Why do I keep hounding you?
    I wouldn't waste your time. I know you're busy.?
    WHY do I want to do this?
    I'd like to meet as soon as possible.?

    As a speculative narrative, these questions got more to do with YOU than any kinda ansas for __________ the whatevah guy.

    ? (as any kind mark appears in any kinda copy) don't exist for nuthin'.

    It is the actschwl epitome of SEARCH & FIND, whereineth all confoosion RESOLVES into THE ONE THING.

    I question your submission purely on this basis.

    Gotta figure always how we balancin' statements of truth 'gainst desire for all wonders.

    So where do these questions you askin' lead?

    Seems this is all 'bout you & your needs.

    & so: naaaht my problem
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    Lightin' fuses is for blowin' stuff togethah.

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