Need a specific call to action... or "next step" expectation (I'll follow up in a couple of days...)

But other than that, you focused on benefits. Good.

If you could print and copy the page where you sourced your stats and circle them or highlight them, that would also stand out.

Good letter though.

Happy birthday BTW.

Birthday? It's not my birthday, LOL!

Im not the worlds best copywriter and always have my bf double check my letters and website text before it goes out, but I think this sounds great. You are showing the value of your service and you already own the business domain. Good for you! Keep in mind he has the furniture marked up so I would mark up the value of your services a bit too, if you haven't already Did he seem interested in the offer when you spoke to him yesterday? Keep us updated!!

Okay, added that to the close.

Hey there. Good letter, I don't know if your customer is internet literate, but I would break down the the keyword info for him likethis. 'the keyword "antique" is searched for locally 22.674 times a month on google,' that will really help him to understand how big his/her target market is.

Well, my comment would be why are you giving him a 50% discount on your services? With a #1 Google ranking he should see an increase in traffic and sales. At I would guess a 100% markup on his wholesale cost he is getting about $3,400 of service for $1,500. Plus, he gets an increase in business! And, to make matters more lopsided you offer $3,397 of business for $3,000 of furniture, giving away another $400.

If you don't value your service then I can assure you no one else will.

If you offer $3,397 of value to him then by golly get $3,397 back in either cold hard cash or his invoice cost of the furniture.

@adriver38 - he did seem interested, especially when I began talking to him about keywords, etc. and told him that the keywords I chose got between 1000-1200 exact monthly searches.

@willz605 - this is a very non-savvy person in terms of internet marketing, so I felt the need to explain things in words that I felt he'd be able to understand.

Hi Lisa,

No glaring errors, I notice someone already mentioned to add a call to action, so here's just a few other thoughts...

-- I'd bold the "It is completely hands-off for you," both because it's important and also because it will visually look better since the other bullets have bold in them

-- You may want to just do a little table summarizing the fees and total because I think he may be confused otherwise, especially if he's reading it quickly

-- Knowing how so many offline businesses think, I'm worried he may think since he's #1 for his business name, he doesn't need to worry about the rest. So you may want to just add how many monthly searches there are for his business name so he can see how the 1,200 additional will really multiply his chances.

-- Also, why are you bartering for less than your service value? Especially when you know he already has an advantage with the wholesale-retail thing. It could make him wonder if your services aren't normally priced that.

I'd start by asking for the full amount and then if he wants to negotiate for some reason, you'll have something to work with.

And just an idea for next time--if a business owner you're meeting with may not have wi-fi, maybe you can print off a screen shot of the Google page with their #1 ranking to take with you? I bet they get a kick out of having that to show their spouse and all.

Hope this helps!

Tracy

Lisa, totally understand about your initial win here. You are doing a great, long term service for this store and they should pay for that value and you, who did the work should as well.

Good luck!

Hi Lisa,

First thing I noticed immediately was,

Eliminate keyword completely and just use search words or search phrases. Cite an example to make it clear.

Also you might consider giving him a vision.

What we want to ultimately accomplish is branding your business name at the local level so that when any one thinks of buying a chair or love set they think of your business name. I want to make furniture and your business name synonymous with each other.


The rest of the letter is good and as Michael mentioned, you need a call to action as well.

Hope this helps.

Russ

Well, this letter should have been delivered today, so I'm going to call the business tomorrow afternoon and talk to the guy I talked to on Tuesday.

Wish me success!

Just thought you guys would find this funny...

My husband has been playing "client" and coming at me with every reason not to need to want the service I'm offering, for like the last hour or two. LOL Fun stuff!

Well, the furniture store was a bust. No matter what I said, their response was "We've got a guy that can do that." LOL

So, onward and upward!

Lisa I've been doing this for a very long time and I have always found a phone call to be so much more solid at this stage. Do you have a good relationship with him? If so I'd go and see him.

Oh! I get it now! Get what? Says the business owner.

That if you want your site on the 10th page of Google I need to hire some, "guy".

Let me give you a different perspective to look at it.

When you wreck your car your insurance company is supposed to pay for all repairs minus the your deductible, right?

Business owner, right.

Well, unless you insist on the quality of the body shop your insurance company is going to tell you to take it to the shop they know charges the least amount of money. We all know they try to get out of paying or at least pay as little as possible, right?

Business owner, right.

In reality your paying to take your car to whatever body shop you choose so why on earth would you pick the shop that charges the least amount of money?

Well you wouldn't right?

Business owner, right.

This is exactly what your doing by having "some guy" take care of "that" for you.
Surely you don't want some guy who says they can "insert whatever service your selling here" and he's doing a crappy job at it.

I mean you wouldn't accept your car in any lessor condition after the body shop fixed it then it was before your accident right?

Just because you have some guy handling it does not mean he's doing it right. Actually truth be told and no offense to you, but I would not be calling you today if he was doing his job correctly.

Ok so guess what happens next?

That guy gets fired and now your being seriously considered as his replacement.

This is a really useful thread, thanks so much Lisa.
All the best on your next attempt at bartering! I am currently trying to get a highly qualified hairdresser to agree to barter for her skills, in return for site maintenance.

Best wishes,

Ruth