Clients Say The Strangest Things

56 replies
I thought Offliners who sell/design sites would find these funny...


A few weeks ago, a new client and I were talking by phone. I asked him about the look of the website we were building. His answer was, “ Yes, that's important…whatever we do, I don’t want it to look like a website, if you know what I mean.” @#%^^*

I heard of a case where a client requested the designer use more fonts.
The designer asked how many, and the client replied, “How many do you have?”

Another one… Client: “I absolutely love what you did, and I have a few changes that will just improve what your work even more…” (turned out to be almost 30 changes)…

A classic: "We want the background to be black, but could you not make it so dark?"
Client: “I have a copy of FrontPage for Dummies….will that help you?”

Found online: Client: “…."Don't use too much red, our tests show that red downloads slower."

From a nice, but annoying client: “My wife designs drapes, so she’s my eyes when it comes to websites.”

And my favorite: Client: “Why is my site not printing out in color like it is on the screen?”….. (because you only have a black and white printer?”)

And so it goes…

UPDATE - More Strange Things:


Had a client who actually thought an anti-virus
product came as a SPRAY
.

when fellow (new to pc's) emailed me and ended by saying,
"by the way, what does BTW, stand for?", I see it all the time."

Client: "Every time I look at our new website, I feel its too small...or is that just my screen?"


Many clients say this: "We ARE ranked in the search engines, I'm telling you...
We are #1..just put our name into Google- it's that way everyday."

Just recently a client asked: "When I'm online on our website, do you know it, is there a way you can see me?"

Client's spouse: "what is this? it's asking for my user name and passport?"

(this just killed me): client: "Why does our website look like a narrow band across the screen?". ...was in his office a week later. He had something like 4 different toolbars all stacked on top of each other, from each new widget he d/l for free and allowed to install automatically...
...so there really was only a small screen space left!



#clients #strangest #things
  • Profile picture of the author xlfutur1
    Wow..those are lines from your actual clients? I especially like the guy whose wife is a drapes expert, so she must be a website expert too. Makes perfect sense.
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  • Profile picture of the author stevenjacobs
    Banned
    I love them they just made my day
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  • Profile picture of the author somacorellc
    A few months ago I got some excellent website direction from a client: "I like green."

    Of course I was able to craft the PERFECT site around that wonderful set of specific instructions.*

    *All she said was "looks good thanks."
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  • Profile picture of the author Chris Cho
    I recently had a client who stopped working with me and I made them at minimum 3X their money back. o_O

    They said they want to start working with my next year around February. haha i'm def not going to be available then. =X

    Anyways, i was talking to vegabond couple weeks ago and we were talking about how weird the business owners are. But I have to be weirder to speak their language to close them.

    Weirdo vs. WeirdER (me)
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  • Profile picture of the author KCNL
    Potential restaurant client i approached (their site is created with vistaprint for crying out loud the first time i saw such a website)

    His reaction when i offered him a nice site and mobile site:

    Yes, i intentionally want it to look like crap, i always get such nice reactions about my website..haha
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  • Profile picture of the author thetrafficguy
    Brucerby -- Good post. Made me laugh.

    I've heard some similar comments over the years. Want to tell them to think before they talk.
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  • Profile picture of the author Brendan Vraibel
    Love these types of posts. Pure gold.
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  • Profile picture of the author TyErickson
    One of my favorites...

    "I just want something simple (ie. cheap)." And it's never either.

    Or..

    "Just make it pop." This is one to run away from.
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  • Profile picture of the author lizacrew
    A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice....
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    • Profile picture of the author J smith
      There is a "clients from hell" site, not sure on the exact url, that has pages of quotes from clients (mostly off line I guess) always great if you need a laugh.
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  • Profile picture of the author mikeink
    Hmmm!

    To me it sounds like you run an apartment building, or live in one.
    We get those same types/similar kinds of comments also. That is how to do things
    in the building.

    Espcially from the property manager.
    Signature

    Well let me see. OH yea need to start work on my ???????? again.
    Been working for slave wages to long.

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  • Profile picture of the author Mark Filsaime
    Found online: Client: “…."Don't use too much red, our tests show that red downloads slower."
    LOL, I would say that red downloads faster. If you have HTML that uses the string color name of LightGoldenRodYellow, you are downloading 17 bytes more when compared to Red. Both are the same if you use their HEX equivalent though.
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  • Profile picture of the author Deidra Renee
    Originally Posted by brucerby View Post

    I thought Offliners who sell/design sites would find these funny...


    A few weeks ago, a new client and I were talking by phone. I asked him about the look of the website we were building. His answer was, " Yes, that's important...whatever we do, I don't want it to look like a website, if you know what I mean." @#%^^*

    I heard of a case where a client requested the designer use more fonts.
    The designer asked how many, and the client replied, "How many do you have?"

    Another one... Client: "I absolutely love what you did, and I have a few changes that will just improve what your work even more..." (turned out to be almost 30 changes)...

    A classic: "We want the background to be black, but could you not make it so dark?"
    Client: "I have a copy of FrontPage for Dummies....will that help you?"

    Found online: Client: "...."Don't use too much red, our tests show that red downloads slower."

    From a nice, but annoying client: "My wife designs drapes, so she's my eyes when it comes to websites."

    And my favorite: Client: "Why is my site not printing out in color like it is on the screen?"..... (because you only have a black and white printer?")

    And so it goes...
    _____
    Bruce NewMedia
    Now this is hilarious and sad at the same time lol
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  • Profile picture of the author Danny Turner
    Originally Posted by brucerby View Post


    And my favorite: Client: "Why is my site not printing out in color like it is on the screen?"..... (because you only have a black and white printer?")


    _____
    Bruce NewMedia
    Chuckle - thanks for the laugh - although the colour one may not be so dumb - computers use RGB colours and most printers use CMYK - and will look very different when printed - tho what's the relevance to site design I'm not sure!
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  • Profile picture of the author cbest
    Laughing... That got my morning off to a great start. Thanks...

    Reminds me of back in the day doing tech support... "My printer isn't working correctly anymore.... the print is getting lighter and lighter... "
    Have you checked the ink cartridge?
    "What ink cartridge..???"
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  • Profile picture of the author fitz10
    This reminds me of Clients from Hell.

    The things people say!

    ETA: I think this one is my favorite quote from Clients from Hells since it seems like a lot of potential clients think this:

    Client: “I really liked your proposal, but I thought about it overnight and I feel that getting a website is really a last resort.”
    Me: “What do you mean?”
    Client: “Like if someone’s business is failing, they would want to advertise and maybe get a website. But since my business is fine, I don’t want to send that sort of message to my customers.”
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    • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
      [QUOTE=fitz10;4715984]This reminds me of Clients from Hell.

      The things people say!

      ETA: I think this one is my favorite quote from Clients from Hells since it seems like a lot of potential clients think this:

      Client: "I really liked your proposal, but I thought about it overnight and I feel that getting a website is really a last resort."
      Me: "What do you mean?"
      Client: "Like if someone's business is failing, they would want to advertise and maybe get a website. But since my business is fine, I don't want to send that sort of message to my customers."[/QUOTE]

      We laugh. But I've heard almost the exact thing on this Forum. About advertising being seen as a sign that a business is failing.
      Imagine the stupid things we have said when we talk to someone that is an expert, and we are rank novices.
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      • Profile picture of the author DABK
        Designed a flyer for a client. Letter size. Offer he told me was a 15% discount if they placed orders before a certain date.

        I do it. He likes it, but why is his offer 15%? That's too much, he can't afford to give away 15%. What if someone spends $100? He can't give them $15 off.

        Me: The better the offer, the more of them will come. Of course, you can't pay more than you can afford.

        About 5 minutes later, mostly passed by with him going over numbers in his head, he says: How about 18%?

        Me: 18%? That's not too much?

        He: No. That's good.

        I make changes. He likes it, but why is it so large? (Remember, it's letter sized).

        Me: How big do you want it?

        He: I don't know. Normal flyer size.

        There are a couple of flyers by his front door. We look at them. They're on letter-size paper. He's happy.

        I print him a few samples of the final version. He loves them.

        4 or 5 hours later, he sends me an email: his printing company doesn't like my flier: it's too small, they cannot print it. Can I make it larger?


        A year ago, I had another one. He asked to meet with me because he wanted to get more hotels as clients. Everything went fine till I asked what's a client worth to them, life-time value, and how many new clients could they handle.

        The answer: If you want to learn about my business, you better leave right now.

        I left.
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  • Profile picture of the author Ed Smokr
    lol that's hilarious!
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  • Profile picture of the author Suze Thomas
    I love these!!! It's funny to think most clients don't even know how crazy these comments are. It takes a lot of patience to work with people, that's for sure.!
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  • Profile picture of the author danielkanuck
    You guys are funny as h*ll! Lol
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    • Profile picture of the author maverick8
      Client:
      "so can i sit here all day and click my competitor's ads?"

      He was referring to PPC ads.
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  • Profile picture of the author BigG95
    The bad part is, you can't even laugh at that point, unless you want to get your client mad at you.
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    • Profile picture of the author Kay King
      I had a client (online) who said I was the first person who "got what I meant". He based that on my lack of questions about his comment.

      Actually, I didn't question his idea because it was so obviously ridiculous. I thought he was kidding and was waiting for the punchline! I made money with the client because once he was convinced I "got him" I could nothing wrong. Go figure.

      kay
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      • Profile picture of the author McGruff
        Originally Posted by Kay King View Post

        I had a client (online) who said I was the first person who "got what I meant". He based that on my lack of questions about his comment.

        Actually, I didn't question his idea because it was so obviously ridiculous. I thought he was kidding and was waiting for the punchline! I made money with the client because once he was convinced I "got him" I could nothing wrong. Go figure.

        kay
        You used the "silence is golden close". LOL.
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  • Profile picture of the author Slave1
    One time my dad needed help over the phone:

    Dad - "Hey, help me find that picture on my computer, I lost it"

    Me - "Ok, right click on My Computer"

    (Silence)

    Me - "Did you do it!?!"

    Dad - "Your computers not over here???"

    (Insert laughing at my dad and him yelling back at me)
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  • Profile picture of the author kiteg2
    I heard of a case where a client requested the designer use more fonts.
    The designer asked how many, and the client replied, “How many do you have?”
    That really is FUNNY, if you know anything about direct marketing!!!

    OH hell that really is FUNNY. Period!

    Maybe we should collect these and put out a book??
    I'l do it if you guys have enough of these. When things get you down, you can pick up the book, have a laugh, and say thank God I don't think like that!

    It reminds me of the guy who shoplifted a live lobster by putting it down his pants!
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  • Profile picture of the author carmack
    This thread just made my day. Where would be be without the clients? Can't live with 'em, can't live without them. Hard to believe they say such stupid things and still manage to stay in business.
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  • Profile picture of the author ASCiiDiTY
    This made me chuckle. Thanks
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  • Profile picture of the author shunks
    Things like that are funny in the beginning, but after some time it is just ...
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    • Profile picture of the author BigG95
      I wouldn't say that. Things are sometimes not that funny at the time they happen, but afterwards, when you share them with others, it's actually hilarious.
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  • Profile picture of the author Seth Bias
    "I can help you rank me in google, I'll call them and tell them to make sure my site is ranked."

    Actually heard this... LOL
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  • Profile picture of the author SuzyBlack
    "Well, I know my current website looks terrible, but it was free - so can you do something for less than that?"

    Sure... why don't I pay you for me to design you an awesome site......

    True story.
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  • Profile picture of the author Fernando Veloso
    Real client:

    "We don't need SEO or PPC cause you'll place a hitcounter in site's footer, then me and my family will hit that thing all day long - Google will place us at number 1."

    :p

    Another one not so long ago:

    "Can we have everything moving inside the site?"

    Me: "What do you mean?"

    "Site is boring, nothing happens. My wife wants to see more action."

    Me: "Perhaps you spend too much time traveling?"

    "What?!?!?!"

    Me: "Nevermind."



    This last one is actually a good guy and a great customer, but damn, he can be a dorf sometimes. Thankfully he has sense of humor.

    Last one:

    A Senior Marketing Manager from a big Spanish brand asked us to deliver a quote for SEO. I asked her simple things like URL, Keywords, Budget. She replied to us:

    "Site - We have one already, thank you"
    "Keywords - Not sure what you mean"
    "Budget - Can't tell you our company annual budget, it's against the rules."

    :p
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    People make good money selling to the rich. But the rich got rich selling to the masses.
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  • Profile picture of the author kiteg2
    I love this thread, makes my day evey time I come here.
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  • Profile picture of the author kiteg2
    I came to the forum today just to find this post. Along the way I found something that really made me furious. but getting back hear and reading this just made up for that. I think I am going to print these, frame them and hang them above my desk just for moments like these.
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    • Profile picture of the author MarkJez
      Thanks for sharing these hilarious stories...

      Here's my two true stories - not so funny but worth a chuckle....

      A few years ago I was on a one-day computer training course together with about a dozen clients from local businesses to learn how to construct spreadsheets and databases etc.

      The trainer said that for the benefit of people new to computers he would start right at the very basics. But clearly, this was not enough, as when he asked us all to hold our mouse in our right or left hand - one lady put her hand up and asked ever so seriously "Excuse me - but what is a mouse?"

      I was sitting very close to her - and how I managed to keep a straight face for the rest of the day I don't know!

      Last year I went on another computer course for local biz clients - and during the course I asked a question relating to YouTube. The trainer stopped me in mid-flow and said, (I kid you not), for those students unaware of what YouTube is, it is a video sharing website where people can post and watch videos online free of charge.

      My initial reaction was "I daren't ask her a question relating to Google or Yahoo!" otherwise she could make the other students look even dafter
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  • Profile picture of the author IM nice guy
    Nice change of a thread. A bit of humour is definitely needed when dealing with clients!
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  • Profile picture of the author Marvin Johnston
    These are oldies but goodies.

    A call to support was from someone who had broken their computer holder. Huh???

    It took the support guy a minute or two to realize they were talking about the CD-ROM tray.

    Another call was someone saying their computer wouldn't work. Is the monitor on? No. What happens when you turn the power switch on and off? Nothing.

    After a few more minutes, it turned out the building had lost power.

    Many support calls are just unbelievable with the joys of dealing with people just starting out.

    Another humorous column (at least to geeks) that has been published online for quite a few years is BOFH (******* Operator From Hell):

    The Register: Sci/Tech News for the World

    Kind of like what some support people would like to do when dealing with bureaucracy.

    Marvin
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  • Profile picture of the author wally247
    I met with a guy a while back who in the space of an hour said all of these things. He fancies himself a bit of a marketer, although just doesn't have time to do it anymore so he's looking for someone.


    These are real things he said:

    "You know why you never click on your competitors link? Because that gives them a Google point"

    "You don't want to use blue or white for websites anymore. Everybody is using red and black now. Red and black is the new blue and white"


    He said a bunch of other stuff, but I wasn't paying attention after the Google point thing, which took place right at the beginning...just before I threw myself out a window.
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    • Profile picture of the author Aaron Doud
      Originally Posted by wally247 View Post

      I met with a guy a while back who in the space of an hour said all of these things. He fancies himself a bit of a marketer, although just doesn't have time to do it anymore so he's looking for someone.


      These are real things he said:

      "You know why you never click on your competitors link? Because that gives them a Google point"

      "You don't want to use blue or white for websites anymore. Everybody is using red and black now. Red and black is the new blue and white"


      He said a bunch of other stuff, but I wasn't paying attention after the Google point thing, which took place right at the beginning...just before I threw myself out a window.
      Did he at least mean clicking on them in google search (organic or PPC)? Because if so he had a basic understanding since it has appeared for a long time that click thru rates do matter in the algorithm.

      Now if he meant anywhere else it may not matter though it is possible that google is using analytics data and if they see a link from a high PR site bringing a lot of traffic it will raise your placement.

      We are not google so we can't really know what all they use. We can only guess based on what people testing have discovered when it comes to SEO.

      As for his belief that design has moved darker (blue/white to red/black) who knows. In his industry maybe it has. I can tell you that in interior design darker is in. We have seen that carry over into the RV industry for interior designs here. I've also seen it in furniture stores (used to be a sales manager so notice it).
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      • Profile picture of the author ERPLeadsWriter
        I actually feel a little relieved when reading these stories. It just goes to show that not all people are in tune with the whole IT revolution as the rest of us who count on it for business. We still have a lot work to do and I kind of see that as a good thing.
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      • Profile picture of the author wally247
        Originally Posted by Aaron Doud View Post

        Did he at least mean clicking on them in google search (organic or PPC)? Because if so he had a basic understanding since it has appeared for a long time that click thru rates do matter in the algorithm.

        Now if he meant anywhere else it may not matter though it is possible that google is using analytics data and if they see a link from a high PR site bringing a lot of traffic it will raise your placement.

        We are not google so we can't really know what all they use. We can only guess based on what people testing have discovered when it comes to SEO.

        As for his belief that design has moved darker (blue/white to red/black) who knows. In his industry maybe it has. I can tell you that in interior design darker is in. We have seen that carry over into the RV industry for interior designs here. I've also seen it in furniture stores (used to be a sales manager so notice it).

        He meant Google point. I don't believe for a second that Google has anything in their algorithm where every time you click on a search result the owner of that site gets a "Google Point" in any universe I've ever lived.


        Let's see...do you think people would manipulate that to get more points? Hmmm, lets see.


        Fiverr Gig: Get 10,000 "Google Points" to your site today. Just pay me $5 and I'll send 10,000 real people to Google to search for your site and click on it, resulting in Google points for you.



        No offense, but why do people always think I've meant something else. I met with the guy, and I'm telling you he told me to my face that "red and black is the new white and nobody uses white"


        There's nothing to interpret there...the guy is a ******* moron.
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  • This is a great thread. I especially liked the YouTube clip. LOL

    Isn't it astounding how many expect our time for free? I love the barber's reaction
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  • Profile picture of the author shane_k
    Here is something that just happened to my sister about 1 hour ago, it's not business related but it does have to do with the internet, and I thought was pretty funny.

    Her phone rang and when she answered it, a woman asked her if her name was (blank).

    My sister said yeah that's me.

    The women then started talking in a frightened sounding voice, and started telling my sister that they found a virus on her computer, and the woman wanted my sister to jump onto her computer and follow the woman's directions so they could get the virus off of my sisters computer.

    Now this is a complete cold call, from someone who doesn't even know my sister. So she was like well how do you know there is a virus on my computer?

    And that woman said that she was from Microsoft and was doing a random scan of the internet and they picked up my sisters computer with the virus. She wanted my sister to go to a certain website and download their software. (Gee, can you imagine what kind of spyware, or virus that software has?)

    anyway, my sister again said, how do you know my computer has a virus?

    And the woman told her, "look, I realize that you don't believe me, but we just know. And there is no way I can prove it to you because the computer virus is so small you can't see it with your bare eyes."

    lol

    Anyway, I thought that was funny.

    Obviously these people were trying to pull some sort of scam. After my sister called me and told me what happened she called the police and told them about the call, what website it was, and basically made a report so other people can be warned to watch out.

    Crazy.
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    • Profile picture of the author NeXtReview
      Originally Posted by shane_k View Post

      Here is something that just happened to my sister about 1 hour ago, it's not business related but it does have to do with the internet, and I thought was pret............

      And that woman said that she was from Microsoft and was doing a random scan of the internet and they picked up my sisters computer with the virus. She wanted my sister to go to a certain website and download their software. (Gee, can you imagine what kind of spyware, or virus that software has?)


      ............can't see it with your bare eyes[/B]."
      lol
      Anyway, I thought that was funny.
      Obviously these people were trying to pull some sort of scam. After my sister called me and told me what happened she called the police and told them about the call, what website it was, and basically made a report so other people can be warned to watch out.
      Crazy.
      It's weird that you should mention this as I was reading an article about this the other week. The guy who wrote the article was actually hoping to download the software to see what would happen, but his friend wouldn't let him. What often happens is that they actually lock the computer and then won't release it without payment or something.

      Here's an article about it from the Guardian (just Google "Microsoft virus phone scams")-

      Virus phone scam being run from call centres in India | Technology | The Guardian
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  • Profile picture of the author NickSway
    Love the thread! I've had some great ones, but I can't think of them off the top of my head. I know I wrote them down somewhere. I'll try to dig them up later.
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  • Profile picture of the author 123xyz
    My favorite is "I don't want to get too big" or "I don't want too much business". Unreal.
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    • Profile picture of the author ERPLeadsWriter
      Originally Posted by 123xyz View Post

      My favorite is "I don't want to get too big" or "I don't want too much business". Unreal.
      Hmm, I actually don't believe it as unreal as you think (unless the person you're talking about has a lifestyle that needs 'much business').
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  • Profile picture of the author GoldConsulting
    That's funny. You will encounter many weird people in your practice.
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  • Profile picture of the author andyredsox
    So funny and weird clients (haha)!

    People are just crazy sometimes though we can't do something about their request.

    But we can't deny the fact that we're also learning from them though sometimes its really irritating.

    They're the clients and they're paying us though they give us too much pressure at a time.

    Let's just try to be more patient and enjoy what we're doing.

    At the end of the day, we're still happy to receive their pay.
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