Critique my email copy-where can I improve?
Hi everyone,
I sent the following cold-email out the other day to a prospect I was aware of who had had a website created for her recently. I'm starting out in this game and feel the niche/service of offering optimized versions of small-medium business owners websites is an easy way to get in the door, leading to offering other "online" services.
Anyway, I followed up with a phone call to guage her interest and was quickly told she wasn't interested. What emotional buttons/triggers/buzzwords did I not use to get her to say "hell, yeah, when can you build it!"
Here's the original email, be honest and fair with your critique, maybe my expectations to convert one from one was a bit out and perhaps there is nothing wrong with my copy, but I'm reaching out to those in the know and asking for some guidance/mentoring in the art of cold-email copy.
Here it is:
Hi Sarah,
I came accross your website recently while visiting some friends near Army Bay. I actually was using my mobile phone to view your website and had some difficulty navigating it (you know, pinching and pulling at the screen, zooming in and out just to enlarge and read the text to find contact details etc).
Don't worry though, there's nothing wrong with your website, it works perfectly if you are viewing it from your laptop or PC. But these days more and more people are looking for information while on the go and if they don't get the info they want then and there when they want it (while on their mobile phone etc), they will click away and head over to your competitors who do have an optimised version of their website that is served up to them when viewed from their mobile web browser like a smartphone, mobile phone or tablet.
Solution
We actually create optimised versions of local websites; that's the business we're in (husband and wife team) and we went ahead and created a demo mobile optimised version of your current website.
Click here to view demo
If you understand the value in providing ALL your current clients and prospects a great browsing experience and not giving them a reason to leave your website for your competitors, contact me to arrange the real thing.
Ph: 09-298-0000 or Email:
Remember other benefits which bring value to your business include:
* far more user friendly
* loads faster
* easy to view
* ability to promote special offers/coupons
* mobile optimised websites can be viewed anywhere
Lets discuss further, we are Auckland based and can have your mobile optimised website up and running within 72 hours of a 50% deposit (Total price including 12 months of hosting, unlimited pages, your own url, analytics and FULL support only NZD $297 + GST)
Lets get you mobile!
regards
Travis & Louise
Seo Services Auckland
SEO Services Auckland - Web Marketing Services & SEO Company Auckland
I sent the following cold-email out the other day to a prospect I was aware of who had had a website created for her recently. I'm starting out in this game and feel the niche/service of offering optimized versions of small-medium business owners websites is an easy way to get in the door, leading to offering other "online" services.
Anyway, I followed up with a phone call to guage her interest and was quickly told she wasn't interested. What emotional buttons/triggers/buzzwords did I not use to get her to say "hell, yeah, when can you build it!"
Here's the original email, be honest and fair with your critique, maybe my expectations to convert one from one was a bit out and perhaps there is nothing wrong with my copy, but I'm reaching out to those in the know and asking for some guidance/mentoring in the art of cold-email copy.
Here it is:
Hi Sarah,
I came accross your website recently while visiting some friends near Army Bay. I actually was using my mobile phone to view your website and had some difficulty navigating it (you know, pinching and pulling at the screen, zooming in and out just to enlarge and read the text to find contact details etc).
Don't worry though, there's nothing wrong with your website, it works perfectly if you are viewing it from your laptop or PC. But these days more and more people are looking for information while on the go and if they don't get the info they want then and there when they want it (while on their mobile phone etc), they will click away and head over to your competitors who do have an optimised version of their website that is served up to them when viewed from their mobile web browser like a smartphone, mobile phone or tablet.
Solution
We actually create optimised versions of local websites; that's the business we're in (husband and wife team) and we went ahead and created a demo mobile optimised version of your current website.
Click here to view demo
If you understand the value in providing ALL your current clients and prospects a great browsing experience and not giving them a reason to leave your website for your competitors, contact me to arrange the real thing.
Ph: 09-298-0000 or Email:
Remember other benefits which bring value to your business include:
* far more user friendly
* loads faster
* easy to view
* ability to promote special offers/coupons
* mobile optimised websites can be viewed anywhere
Lets discuss further, we are Auckland based and can have your mobile optimised website up and running within 72 hours of a 50% deposit (Total price including 12 months of hosting, unlimited pages, your own url, analytics and FULL support only NZD $297 + GST)
Lets get you mobile!
regards
Travis & Louise
Seo Services Auckland
SEO Services Auckland - Web Marketing Services & SEO Company Auckland
www.Trumpia.com
Trumpia: The Most Completed SMS Text Messaging Software & API Solution.
Premier One Marketing, The Best Online and Mobile Marketing Source For Small Businesses
Learn Digital, Internet and Social Media Marketing For Your Business
Click here to learn more - Digital and Social Media Marketing Training Course