Would someone mind critiquing this sales setup

21 replies
Hey Warriors,

I got this idea from David Iago. Pretty much using his script but I put my little twists and nuances into it. The idea goes like this; I find real estate listing ads as well as automotive listing ads (like the real estate book or auto solutions) and make a 5 minute presentation about how adding a text messaging CTA will help increase sales.

Here is the email I send out; I switch up the subject line for each person I send it to. Some of them have included:

This is a game changer, please watch
FINALLY, a true automotive game changer, please watch
A true real estate game changer? Please watch
This is revolutionizing the automotive industry, please watch
The evolution of the real estate business

Sometimes I may insert the persons name into the headline.

Here is the email I send out:

(Person's Name)

I know you are busy so I will be brief. My name is Todd Friedman and I'm a Mobile Marketing Specialist. I help real estate professionals just like you maximize their advertising potential. I am about to deploy the most powerful lead generation system ever developed, in your area. I will be providing only a small number of real estate offices in the Metro West area with this system. I have prepared a short video presentation (approx. 5 mins.) specifically for you and you can view it here.

NBTaylor - YouTube

Please contact me at your earliest convenience to discuss.
-Todd Friedman
508-XXX-XXXX


P.S. This will be the most effective advertising you have done and it is extremely inexpensive.
P.P.S. This is completely hands off. Once set up it requires none of your time.


The video link is live so feel free to view it.

My initial run consisted of 10 videos. 5 in the real estate niche 5 in the automotive niche. I've conducted 2 appointments so far (both in RE). One business hasn't returned my calls after the initial meeting and the other asked me to follow up at the end of the month.

I would greatly appreciate any constructive thoughts on making this more effective. This is not my only avenue of customer acquisition. In fact, I'm usually out pounding the pavement and once in a while will cold call, but I've heard many warriors finding success with this method so I decided to give it a shot.

Thank you in advance!

-Todd
#critiquing #mind #sales #setup
  • Profile picture of the author Mwind076
    There's been tons of threads on things like this.

    My advice is to lose the "PS and PPS" - it makes it sound like a 14 year old girl's note. Include it in the body of the email.

    Also, while blanket emails are good, if you aren't calling ALL OF THEM to follow up, you might as well not have sent it.

    Are these emails confirmed as correct? If not, again, waste of time.

    Did you call them first to get their correct email and then send it over? If so, then good job, you can follow up with a call and say "Hey Bob, I sent over that email you requested and I wanted to follow up and discuss it for a few minutes, do you have some time right now?" If no, then ask if he has time tomorrow or Thursday (always give 2 options), then go for a time "morning or afternoon"? If yes, then you're in, and talk!

    I could go on, but I'll wait till you have questions.
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Todd,

      Do you know what the hot buttons on your prospects really are?

      I'm working on a direct mail campaign now for a client
      going to dentists.

      Their hot button is not what most would think.

      Your headlines are not specific enough and tell me you really don't know
      what appeal/pain point your are going after.

      Get that nailed and writing your message becomes easy as falling off a greased slide!

      Best,
      Ewen
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    • Profile picture of the author toddfromboston
      Originally Posted by Mwind076 View Post

      My advice is to lose the "PS and PPS" - it makes it sound like a 14 year old girl's note. Include it in the body of the email.

      if you aren't calling ALL OF THEM to follow up, you might as well not have sent it.

      Are these emails confirmed as correct? If not, again, waste of time.

      Did you call them first to get their correct email and then send it over? If so, then good job, you can follow up with a call and say "Hey Bob, I sent over that email you requested and I wanted to follow up and discuss it for a few minutes, do you have some time right now?" If no, then ask if he has time tomorrow or Thursday (always give 2 options), then go for a time "morning or afternoon"? If yes, then you're in, and talk!

      I could go on, but I'll wait till you have questions.
      Noted on the PS's will get rid of those.

      I sent follow up emails and saw some increase in the youtube views but I was considering calling them to follow up. Turning consideration into action.

      I get what you're saying about the email addresses, most of the RE associates post their business emails on their sites. It can be hit or miss with automotive outfits. But regardless I will follow up via phone. Thank you!!

      @ewenmack
      Your headlines are not specific enough and tell me you really don't know
      what appeal/pain point your are going after.

      Get that nailed and writing your message becomes easy as falling off a greased slide!
      My man! good call, thank you! I will rewrite that this evening.
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      Best piece of advice I've ever received... "Listen, just shut the F*#^ up and listen!" (Because there's always going to be people who have been doing what you do/ want to do for much longer. Shut up, listen to them and learn from them)
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  • Profile picture of the author Matt121
    Definitely a good idea to get rid of the PS and PSS. It just doesn't look professional and good in my opinion.

    Also, host your video on your own website (if you have one) to make yourself look more authentic and professional as a company. Next, your subject lines do not sound all to appealing.... try taking away the "please watch" part.

    Also, ask them if they are interested in what you offer, or immediately inform them about a day and time at which you will call them to discuss with them.
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  • Profile picture of the author Maxwell Stinson
    If you want more answers, why not try consulting with an email marketing company or a B2B telemarketing company?

    You may get some good advice out of it.
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    • Profile picture of the author zimbizee
      Agree - PS & PPS just make you look desperate/begging and i hate seeing that at the bottom of sales letters - It makes my teeth itch
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  • Profile picture of the author John Durham
    Echoing Mwind, although Im the PPS King

    Swear though, Im a bald old man in his forties who lives in his moms basement, wearing a dingy wife beater with cheeze whiz finger prints all over it... not anything close to a 14 year girl by any stretch.

    On another note....I like your headlines, but I would say "Watch This" instead of "Please watch".

    People respond better to more commanding calls to action, than they do the 'asking" kind. I dont know why. It just works that way. I wouldnt reinvent the wheel if it were me, but nice subject lines!

    -JD

    Ps. Really good subject lines...

    Pps. I forgot to say I really like your subject lines.:p
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    • Profile picture of the author zimbizee
      Originally Posted by John Durham View Post


      Ps. Really good subject lines...

      Pps. I forgot to say I really like your subject lines.:p
      LOL...love it
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Originally Posted by John Durham View Post

      E

      Ps. Really good subject lines...

      Pps. I forgot to say I really like your subject lines.:p
      Gotta totally disagree John.

      They are all revealing what he has got in the subject line to strangers.

      The first job of the email subject line is to click on and read more.

      Those are already an intrusion which get sent to delete or trash.

      The sweet sound of your name called gets your attention.

      So putting John and nothing else is good...
      or Jane or Gertrude or Marcus or Phillipa, or Danny

      Then the body would say, for example...

      John, This is for you because I hear you are always after an advantage in selling
      more [whatever].

      Thought you'd like to spy on your competitors as to what they are doing to get [tell results] without spending an extra dime to get them.

      5 minutes and you'll get to see, on video, what they are up to.

      Click on this [blue link code] and you'll get straight into spy mode!

      Am I right about you wanting an advantage over your competition?

      Best,
      Todd Friedman
      508-XXX-XXXX

      P.S. put this here because everyone scrolls done here so I may as well summarize everything I've said so far...spy video reveals what your competition is doing to get [results] for nix. View here [link]

      -------------------------------------------------------------------------------

      Sole purpose of body message is to get the reader to click and watch the video.

      Nothing else.

      Therefore you just raise the curiosity to the point he can't stand it any more.

      The video then should start out telling of results of what others have achieved.

      Then you show examples of their ads.

      And then tell how easy and at no cost for running them,
      because your addition goes into the same ad space.

      Now you tell the viewer how to activate it is by calling you.

      See how the whole flow is a smooth transition?

      Being helpful and being the guy who shows John the advantage that others have..."why not you"?

      There ya go, done for you!

      Best,
      Ewen


      .
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      • Profile picture of the author Duncan2222
        was cruising WF for real estate threads as I am looking for Warriors in that niche and stumbled across this thread. Gotta say, this thread alone was an excellent discovery for me. I've been needing some insight on an email campaign for a real estate webinar and I think I'm going to try some of these out...very cool stuff Ewen!

        Thanks

        D

        Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

        Gotta totally disagree John.

        They are all revealing what he has got in the subject line to strangers.

        The first job of the email subject line is to click on and read more.

        Those are already an intrusion which get sent to delete or trash.

        The sweet sound of your name called gets your attention.

        So putting John and nothing else is good...
        or Jane or Gertrude or Marcus or Phillipa, or Danny

        Then the body would say, for example...

        John, This is for you because I hear you are always after an advantage in selling
        more [whatever].

        Thought you'd like to spy on your competitors as to what they are doing to get [tell results] without spending an extra dime to get them.

        5 minutes and you'll get to see, on video, what they are up to.

        Click on this [blue link code] and you'll get straight into spy mode!

        Am I right about you wanting an advantage over your competition?

        Best,
        Todd Friedman
        508-XXX-XXXX

        P.S. put this here because everyone scrolls done here so I may as well summarize everything I've said so far...spy video reveals what your competition is doing to get [results] for nix. View here [link]

        -------------------------------------------------------------------------------

        Sole purpose of body message is to get the reader to click and watch the video.

        Nothing else.

        Therefore you just raise the curiosity to the point he can't stand it any more.

        The video then should start out telling of results of what others have achieved.

        Then you show examples of their ads.

        And then tell how easy and at no cost for running them,
        because your addition goes into the same ad space.

        Now you tell the viewer how to activate it is by calling you.

        See how the whole flow is a smooth transition?

        Being helpful and being the guy who shows John the advantage that others have..."why not you"?

        There ya go, done for you!

        Best,
        Ewen


        .
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  • Profile picture of the author John Durham
    Thanks Ewen,

    I know what my forte is, and copywriting is YOURS (Lol)... I stand corrected.

    Appreciate the thoughts and will sincerely consider them... Thanks for offering the expertise.

    JD
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    • Profile picture of the author kenmichaels
      Originally Posted by John Durham View Post

      Thanks Ewen,

      I know what my forte is, and copywriting is YOURS (Lol)... I stand corrected.

      Appreciate the thoughts and will sincerely consider them..

      JD
      Cant be good at everything... now can we :rolleyes:

      Check your PM
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      Selling Ain't for Sissies!
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      • Profile picture of the author John Durham
        Originally Posted by kenmichaels View Post


        Check your PM
        No way! I aint gunna do it!
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        • Profile picture of the author kenmichaels
          Originally Posted by John Durham View Post

          No way! I aint gunna do it!
          I would not expect you to,
          it is obvious that your just not ready to make that decision yet... are you?


          .
          .
          .
          .
          ..

          .
          .
          .
          .
          .
          .
          yes, I will hold while you get that.
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          Selling Ain't for Sissies!
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Originally Posted by John Durham View Post

      Thanks Ewen,

      I know what my forte is, and copywriting is YOURS (Lol)... I stand corrected.

      Appreciate the thoughts and will sincerely consider them... Thanks for offering me specifically your expertise.

      JD
      John, a sales message is a sales message...no matter what media..

      in person, telephone, internet, radio, tv, billboard, magazine.

      Each medium has it's own little restrictions,
      therefore tweaks need to be made due to what limitations they throw at you.

      Hopefully the whole email I laid out and the reasoning it was done this way gets understood and used by the original poster.

      Best,
      Ewen
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  • Profile picture of the author toddfromboston
    ewenmack - Thank you once again for your insight. I have another round of emails I'm sending out tomorrow. I will use your direction and report back on my results. Though since I originally posted this I have received a few call backs and with some persistent following up calls have secured 2 appointments for Saturday and have been able to get several views from business owners who hadn't looked at their video yet.

    Here's to building MY dreams, not someone else's.
    Signature
    Rock n Roll is BACK!

    Best piece of advice I've ever received... "Listen, just shut the F*#^ up and listen!" (Because there's always going to be people who have been doing what you do/ want to do for much longer. Shut up, listen to them and learn from them)
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  • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
    Originally Posted by toddfromboston View Post

    (Person's Name)

    I know you are busy so I will be brief. My name is Todd Friedman and I'm a Mobile Marketing Specialist. I help real estate professionals just like you maximize their advertising potential. I am about to deploy the most powerful lead generation system ever developed, in your area. I will be providing only a small number of real estate offices in the Metro West area with this system. I have prepared a short video presentation (approx. 5 mins.) specifically for you and you can view it here.

    NBTaylor - YouTube

    Please contact me at your earliest convenience to discuss.
    -Todd Friedman
    508-XXX-XXXX
    Todd; Your first sentence should be a disturbing question that hits them where they live. Do you know what it is? I don't, but here is a shot;

    "Are you tired of paying for real estate ads, out of your own pocket, and having another agent steal that prospect right from under your nose?"

    (OK, I admit, I have no idea how real estate works, or text messaging, for that matter. It's the question that counts)

    Maybe in the Subject line.... "Stop Flushing Your Money With Useless RE Ads That Suck You Dry. Read This."

    or "Finally! The Cure For RE Ad Loses. The First One To Respond, Wins"

    or
    "Is This Real Estate Buyer The One You Lost To One Of These Mistakes?"
    (Owenmack should appreciate that one)

    Or "Finally, The Way To Automatically Increase Your Home Sales With No Effort, And Little Money"

    Anyway, they need to be hit on an emotional level, or you are wasting your time. Your e-mail message is good, but too "Nice" and friendly. It doesn't get the blood boiling.
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Claude,

      I see a problem with this.

      Since this is the first step in a multi step campaign,
      we have to make sure the reader is given baby steps to take.

      Throwing out deep emotional stuff on first contact
      can be a very tricky beast that I don't see how
      that will translate to get the reader to take the next step.

      I see it playing with fire.

      Tricky to pull off.

      Best,
      Ewen


      Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

      Todd; Your first sentence should be a disturbing question that hits them where they live. Do you know what it is? I don't, but here is a shot;

      "Are you tired of paying for real estate ads, out of your own pocket, and having another agent steal that prospect right from under your nose?"

      (OK, I admit, I have no idea how real estate works, or text messaging, for that matter. It's the question that counts)

      Maybe in the Subject line.... "Stop Flushing Your Money With Useless RE Ads That Suck You Dry. Read This."

      or "Finally! The Cure For RE Ad Loses. The First One To Respond, Wins"

      or
      "Is This Real Estate Buyer The One You Lost To One Of These Mistakes?"
      (Owenmack should appreciate that one)

      Or "Finally, The Way To Automatically Increase Your Home Sales With No Effort, And Little Money"

      Anyway, they need to be hit on an emotional level, or you are wasting your time. Your e-mail message is good, but too "Nice" and friendly. It doesn't get the blood boiling.
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7345827].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
        Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

        Claude,

        I see a problem with this.

        Since this is the first step in a multi step campaign,
        we have to make sure the reader is given baby steps to take.

        Throwing out deep emotional stuff on first contact
        can be a very tricky beast that I don't see how
        that will translate to get the reader to take the next step.

        I see it playing with fire.

        Tricky to pull off.

        Best,
        Ewen
        Ewen; First things first. You should know that I can dish it out, but I can't take it! :rolleyes:

        I didn't see where this was a multi-step. You are right, it is playing with fire.
        If it were a single e-mail, and not a series, I would take the risk...just so I would get a reaction. But you're a better copywriter than I am..so I'll slink into my cave now...and lick my wounds.
        Signature
        One Call Closing book https://www.amazon.com/One-Call-Clos...=1527788418&sr

        "Those who know that they are profound strive for clarity. Those who would like to seem profound to the crowd strive for obscurity" Friedrich Nietzsche
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        • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
          Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

          Ewen; First things first. You should know that I can dish it out, but I can't take it! :rolleyes:

          I didn't see where this was a multi-step. You are right, it is playing with fire.
          If it were a single e-mail, and not a series, I would take the risk...just so I would get a reaction. But you're a better copywriter than I am..so I'll slink into my cave now...and lick my wounds.
          Claude, you may know something about getting a positive response from it
          that I don't...I just wouldn't play with that fire myself, personally.

          Heck, others may be able to pull it off on a regular basis,
          and I'd like to see how it's done so I can learn.

          Best,
          Ewen
          {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7348844].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Duncan2222
      nice stuff you and ewan were adding in here...just reading this stuff helped me with an email I'm trying to get my open rate up on in the real estate niche....

      Cheers!

      D

      Originally Posted by Claude Whitacre View Post

      Todd; Your first sentence should be a disturbing question that hits them where they live. Do you know what it is? I don't, but here is a shot;

      "Are you tired of paying for real estate ads, out of your own pocket, and having another agent steal that prospect right from under your nose?"

      (OK, I admit, I have no idea how real estate works, or text messaging, for that matter. It's the question that counts)

      Maybe in the Subject line.... "Stop Flushing Your Money With Useless RE Ads That Suck You Dry. Read This."

      or "Finally! The Cure For RE Ad Loses. The First One To Respond, Wins"

      or
      "Is This Real Estate Buyer The One You Lost To One Of These Mistakes?"
      (Owenmack should appreciate that one)

      Or "Finally, The Way To Automatically Increase Your Home Sales With No Effort, And Little Money"

      Anyway, they need to be hit on an emotional level, or you are wasting your time. Your e-mail message is good, but too "Nice" and friendly. It doesn't get the blood boiling.
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7435795].message }}

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