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Please critique my letter

by PaulintheSticks
13 replies
Background info shouldn't be necessary as the context should fill you in. Would greatly appreciate feedback on this letter.

Hey Jim,

I've been thinking a lot about your goals and how you said you could use some help in sales. And, as me and Nicki talked about, I could sell websites and other services for you but I know your ultimate goal is growth and based on the information I have, I'm confident your biggest opportunity for growth at this point is strategizing and optimizing everything you're already doing which is my specialty any way.

You're obviously already doing very well especially since you don't really have much of a staff (I really don't know how you do it) but even the most successful businesses have plenty of room for improvement.

There is no doubt in my mind that we can get your company making a lot more money doing less work which will free up more of your time so you don't get swamped as much (somehow I think you'll find ways to keep yourself busy though .

Of course at that point, hiring more sales people and staff to make use of your your 3000+ sq ft office to scale your operation will probably be the ticket, but to me it makes the most sense to optimize first, then focus on expansion. Do you agree? And the bigger the company, the harder it is to optimize. If we put the systems in place now, then all we'll have to do is tweak as we go.

If you're wondering about my qualifications and abilities in this area, in the mid '90's I worked for a large publishing company in Chicago and greatly improved their “reader services” department by optimizing and putting the proper systems in place to add significantly to the profitability of the company. Then in the early to mid 2000's, I built my own successful retail business from the ground up using the same principles and have continued my business education so today my knowledge and skill level is far superior.

Also, I started rewriting your website copy like we talked about but it felt like I was putting the cart before the horse because your marketing strategy really hasn't crystallized for me. I feel like we need to get clear on that first. I've spent some time brainstorming that and have some
ideas we can go over.

And of course, its going to be a little trickier to flesh out a win-win arrangement than just hiring me as a salesman and I think it would be best to sit down and talk about how we can work together and help each other meet our goals.

Let me know what your schedule is for next week and we'll make it happen.

Have a great weekend (42 on Sunday woohoo!)

Paul

PS Great meeting you guys last week!
#critique #letter
  • Profile picture of the author digichik
    If this letter is to the web developer guy, in your other post, it's not very good. This letter comes from a position of weakness instead of one of strength. If you want to be taken seriously then you have to come from a position of strength.

    This guy may be really good at web development, but not so good at marketing, sales and strategic planning for his business. He may talk a good game, but from your visit and tour of his business, how good is he at developing and carrying out a marketing plan? How good is he at bringing in revenue?

    You mentioned you could see where he is leaving lots of revenue on the table. Don't you think you should get a good percentage of that if you can bring it in for him?

    Before sending him any letter figure out exactly what kind of relationship you want with him. Do you want to be his employee? Do you want to be trusted advisor and knowledgeable consultant? Once you have figured out what you want, you will be able to approach him properly.

    Additionally, don't be afraid to ask for the money. Marketing plans cost thousands to hundreds of thousands to put together. If what you are offering him is valuable, you should have no problem getting a minimum of $5000(almost too low) and $2500/mo.(less than what he charges for one website). Keep in mind $5000/mo is just $60,000 per year, that is less than peanuts for a good marketing director.

    Don't be afraid to ask for the money? If you never ask you'll never get it.

    Remember you can provide real value and you should be paid handsomely for that, if he is unwilling to pay you, move on. There are plenty out there who will gladly pay you.
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    • Profile picture of the author PaulintheSticks
      Originally Posted by digichik View Post

      This letter comes from a position of weakness instead of one of strength. If you want to be taken seriously then you have to come from a position of strength
      .

      Can you please elaborate just a little. Is it not authoritative enough? Too vague? Not telling him exactly what I need?

      Don't you think you should get a good percentage of that if you can bring it in for him?
      Yes, that is the arrangement I'm looking for. Don't you think that should be discussed at the meeting?

      Before sending him any letter figure out exactly what kind of relationship you want with him. Do you want to be his employee? Do you want to be trusted advisor and knowledgeable consultant? Once you have figured out what you want, you will be able to approach him properly.
      I thought it best to leave options on the table. What if he says he's not interested in hiring me as a consultant but would consider a sales/marketing manager?

      Additionally, do be afraid to ask for the money.
      I figured I would save that for the meeting

      Don't be afraid to ask for the money? If you never ask you'll never get it. There are plenty out there who will gladly pay you.
      Thanks for the vote of confidence.
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  • Profile picture of the author monstrapecuniam
    I would make the tone just a little less friend-friend.

    Make shorter sentences.

    Make a bullet list of ideas.

    Involve the current economical situation.

    Just a few global thoughts.
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  • Profile picture of the author digichik
    You have to decide what it is you really want. Do you want a job(sales manage) or do you what to take him on as a client for your own business? You must know the answer to this question.

    If you want to take him on as a client, but he wants to hire you as an employee, then you have the option to agree to being hired as an employee.

    If you only want to take him on as a client for your own company you can explain to him how having you as a consultant is more cost effective for his business, because he can use the fees he pays you as a business expense on his taxes, and he won't have all of the usual expenses of having you as employee(social security tax, payroll tax, etc.) At the end of the year he just files a 1099 for you and uses your fees as business expense.

    I thought it best to leave options on the table. What if he says he's not interested in hiring me as a consultant but would consider a sales/marketing manager?
    It's all about knowing what you want, then positioning yourself to get it. The above concern makes you seem wishy-washy and somewhat desperate. If you came at me like this, I would pass on your consulting offer and I wouldn''t hire you as an employee either. I want confident, thinking, strong, and creative sales & marketing people.

    I'm confident your biggest opportunity for growth at this point is strategizing and optimizing everything you're already doing which is my specialty any way.
    The above quote from your letter doesn't even make sense.

    I would put together a generalized outline of strategies he could use to increase his business. I would then write him a letter letting him know I've come up with some ideas and strategies that will increase his revenue and I'd like to get together with him in the next few days to discuss the strategies with him. I wouldn't go into any of them in the letter, the idea of the letter is to get another meeting with him. This next meeting with him is where I would offer slightly more detailed revenue increasing solutions for his business and then close him on a contract for my services.
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    • Profile picture of the author PaulintheSticks
      Originally Posted by digichik View Post

      The above concern makes you seem wishy-washy and somewhat desperate. If you came at me like this, I would pass on your consulting offer and I wouldn''t hire you as an employee either. I want confident, thinking, strong, and creative sales & marketing people.
      Makes me think that if I can't market my own services effectively, how am I going to help other business owners? Maybe I should stick with doing a free basic marketing consultation as a way to sell basic services like simple websites, directory & search engine listings, etc.

      Or maybe you and your company are just out of my league but most small businesses in my market aren't.
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      • Profile picture of the author Biz Max
        Originally Posted by PaulintheSticks View Post

        Makes me think that if I can't market my own services effectively, how am I going to help other business owners? Maybe I should stick with doing a free basic marketing consultation as a way to sell basic services like simple websites, directory & search engine listings, etc.

        Or maybe you and your company are just out of my league but most small businesses in my market aren't.
        That last little bit caught my attention. You openly admit you have a hard time marketing your services, yet you are a good match for businesses in 'your market'?

        As to the letter, it is not very good. I would for sure fill in the names of the businesses you say you worked with (otherwise its like a testimonial with no name attached, worthless). How about the name of your retail business? When you withhold so much information my b.s. radar starts to blip.

        Also, I'm not sure I understand what it is you do. You mention writing web copy then you talk about being a salesman...and a consultant?

        I'm not crazy about adding a 'woo-hoo' either. Personal touch is good, that's corny IMHO.
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        Small Business Marketing & Branding Specialist
        http://BrandWhisperer.net
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        • Profile picture of the author PaulintheSticks
          Originally Posted by OfflineGold View Post

          That last little bit caught my attention. You openly admit you have a hard time marketing your services, yet you are a good match for businesses in 'your market'?
          Well you need to take that quote in context. Digichik said she wouldn't hire me which was the basis for the statement. My marketing, sales and services may not be good enough for fortune 1000 companies but it is obviously good enough to work with smaller companies as I just got started and have a few local small business clients right now that are happy with my services. Its really important to know your limitations and your market.

          Also, I'm not sure I understand what it is you do. You mention writing web copy then you talk about being a salesman...and a consultant?
          I sell, write copy and do consulting. (I'm also a really good songwriter and musician)
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  • Profile picture of the author PaulintheSticks
    I'm confident your biggest opportunity for growth at this point is strategizing and optimizing everything you're already doing which is my specialty any way.
    Originally Posted by digichik View Post

    Y
    The above quote from your letter doesn't even make sense.
    I'm not sure what doesn't make sense. My client's best opportunity for growth is to either add or change strategies or improve his current operations.
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  • Profile picture of the author digichik
    Please don't think for one second that you can't do this, because you can. You just have to know what it is you want. Only then can you effectively market yourself or your services.

    I'm confident your biggest opportunity for growth at this point is strategizing and optimizing everything you're already doing which is my specialty any way.
    This is just being said in a really awkward way to me. Perhaps, you should re-word it in a way that is still in your voice, but let's him know , that by developing a strategic plan to implement some new ideas and to expand on what he is currently doing, he can effectively grow his business.; developing comprehensive marketing plans is your area of expertise. Sometimes it just wording, not the meaning.

    Makes me think that if I can't market my own services effectively, how am I going to help other business owners? Maybe I should stick with doing a free basic marketing consultation as a way to sell basic services like simple websites, directory & search engine listings, etc.

    Or maybe you and your company are just out of my league but most small businesses in my market aren't.
    You should and can sell whatever you are comfortable selling. You can do this successfully. You just have to ( for the umpteenth time) know exactly what you want, and be definitive about it. This doesn't mean you can't negotiate, but in order to negotiate effectively you must come from a position of strength. This will hold true whether you are in BugTustle USA or Manhattan. Fact are Facts.
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  • Profile picture of the author digichik
    It's not that I wouldn't hire you, I would hire you if I perceive you're coming from a position of weakness. If as a business owner, I find I need a marketing expert, I am going to hire the one who has solutions to my problems and knows whether he wants to be an employee or an independent consultant. Decisive and confident.

    P.S. I really like Alabama, the best meal I have ever eaten in life, was at a restaurant in Bessemer.
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  • Profile picture of the author SashaLee
    Hi there,

    Originally Posted by PaulintheSticks View Post


    Hey Jim,
    So, you already have made contact with the guy and are on a first name basis with him, apparently,

    Originally Posted by PaulintheSticks View Post


    I've been thinking a lot about your goals and how you said you could use some help in sales. And, as me and Nicki talked about, I could sell websites and other services for you but I know your ultimate goal is growth and based on the information I have, I'm confident your biggest opportunity for growth at this point is strategizing and optimizing everything you're already doing which is my specialty any way.
    The above paragraph is essentially waffle and hyperbole. If you've already discussed these topics with Jim, you should be hitting him with some hard benefits for him, including expected results he can see and get a feel for.

    You're obviously already doing very well especially since you don't really have much of a staff (I really don't know how you do it) but even the most successful businesses have plenty of room for improvement.


    Originally Posted by PaulintheSticks View Post


    There is no doubt in my mind that we can get your company making a lot more money doing less work which will free up more of your time so you don't get swamped as much (somehow I think you'll find ways to keep yourself busy though .
    How, specifically? Include the details. If this letter was sent to me, I'd be lost at this point.

    Originally Posted by PaulintheSticks View Post

    Of course at that point, hiring more sales people and staff to make use of your your 3000+ sq ft office to scale your operation will probably be the ticket, but to me it makes the most sense to optimize first, then focus on expansion. Do you agree? And the bigger the company, the harder it is to optimize. If we put the systems in place now, then all we'll have to do is tweak as we go.
    Tweak what, exactly? Be specific, since you apparently know the guy pretty well.

    Originally Posted by PaulintheSticks View Post

    If you're wondering about my qualifications and abilities in this area, in the mid '90's I worked for a large publishing company in Chicago and greatly improved their "reader services" department by optimizing and putting the proper systems in place to add significantly to the profitability of the company. Then in the early to mid 2000's, I built my own successful retail business from the ground up using the same principles and have continued my business education so today my knowledge and skill level is far superior.
    This reads like typical C.V. standardised "what I think he wants to hear"

    By how much (% or $) did you improve their "reader services" (was it a fake reader services department?) and what did it mean for the bottom line for that company. Include a testimonial to back up your claim.

    What's the name of the retail business you built? How big did you build it? What happened to it? BE specific.

    Originally Posted by PaulintheSticks View Post


    And of course, its going to be a little trickier to flesh out a win-win arrangement than just hiring me as a salesman and I think it would be best to sit down and talk about how we can work together and help each other meet our goals.
    This sounds like it's going to be better for your goals, and not his, since you didn't specifically list what his goals are.

    Originally Posted by PaulintheSticks View Post


    Let me know what your schedule is for next week and we'll make it happen.
    I'm sure he'll grab his calendar immediately after reading this. Take more control with when you'll call him and when you'd be available to meet. This statement makes it sound like you have nothing to do but wait to meet with him, and while that may be true, you don't want him knowing it.

    Originally Posted by PaulintheSticks View Post


    Have a great weekend (42 on Sunday woohoo!)
    And he cares because? Drop the woo hoo.

    Your letter lacks a lot of punch because it's dances around issues without directly addressing them.

    All the best,

    Sasha.
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