Looking for some feedback on my first draft of a sales letter...

3 replies
First draft of the first sales letter I have ever wrote. Had it for email in mind but I feel like it is easily adaptable for direct mail letters or postcards.

It is for Bob Ross' 9x12 postcard system.

Some of you can probably guess what books I have read...

Any and all feedback is appreciated!

Subject Line: Owner's Name - Your Competition Will Watch HELPLESSLY As You Steal THEIR Customers!

Dominate Your Local Market and CRUSH Your Competition!

Don't you hate it? You know you have the best insert business industry here in town! Every time you try and advertise, there is your competitor along with you!

Your ad is stuffed into an envelope with 40 other businesses, not to mention 3 or 4 of your competitors!

Perhaps you tried those magazines out, only to find you are stuck on page 23, again with countless other businesses and, you guessed it, MORE of your competition! Don't even get me started on newspapers...

It makes me sick that companies are taking advantage of local business owners like YOU.

I want to help you double... triple... even quadruple your ad response!

How? By using the power of direct mail postcards.

"But Spencer, that is so expensive! I am looking at anywhere from 50 cents to $1.20 per postcard by the time I am done - not to mention my valuable time!"

Not anymore.

I have developed a unique system that combines the incredible RESULTS that postcards are capable of delivering with the benefits of cooperative mail pieces to make it very affordable for YOU. How does PENNIES per postcard sound? Did I mention that I will handle all of the designing, printing, and delivery also?

This postcard is COLOSSAL in size. A whopping 9"x 12". Printed in full color on GLOSSY and durable 14 pt. card stock. A little rain or snow (you know, almost every day in Buffalo) won't ruin this postcard. This monster absolutely rules mailboxes. Your customers have never seen anything like it. They will find it impossible to ignore your ad.

"Spencer - you mentioned I would steal my competition's customers... tell me more."

I will help you completely saturate your local market with these postcards. I am delivering these postcards to 10,000 high-income, offer-responsive homes in Area 1 and Area 2! You know, your favorite customers - the ones with money to spend on YOUR business.

Over 86% of the population uses coupons, from all age groups. Those with household incomes of $50-$75,000 - 88%. Same for $75-$100,000 - 88%. $100,000 + ? Close to 82%.
[Coupon stats courtesy of CMS, Inc., PMA Coupon Council]

Together I am confident we can develop an irresistible offer that can't be refused and will generate a flood of customers to your business. As an added benefit, this makes it easy for us to track the return on your investment.

I will also give you my personal guarantee

I guarantee that will have absolute, 100% exclusivity - you will be the ONLY insert business industry here on my card. I promise. None of your competitors will be on there. Ever. They can call and beg me all they want, I won't let them on!

Watch your competition fail to keep their customers as they are stuck using inferior methods to advertise.

Advertising on my card is limited to 12 participants, and I only have room for 1 insert business industry here.

Please call me today at 716-123-4567 so we can reserve your spot for insert business name here before your competition does.

To the demise of your competition,

Spencer Lastname
My Business Name

P.S. If I have any spots available, insert business name here should qualify for the design, printing, and delivery of 2,500 POSTCARDS ABSOLUTELY FREE. Call me today to find out how.

If you are okay with me working with your competition and never want me to email you again, please reply "remove". Thanks!
#draft #feedback #letter #sales
  • Profile picture of the author TheBigBee
    I think this is pretty darn good! If you're in WNY ( Amherst, Buffalo, Williamsville, Clarence, south towns) be prepared to compete with a warrior I know! :-)
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  • Profile picture of the author Jonwebb
    i came in here thinking this was gonna suck because most first timers dont know anything about solid copy.

    Good work, for your first letter. I enjoyed it. Direct mail converts at a higher rate then email but email is far cheaper.

    split Test your list to see if they reply better to email, or snail mail.

    Good luck

    Jonathan Webb
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    • Profile picture of the author CreekChub
      You're in the wrong forum, and I mean that nicely. Check out the Copywriters subforum here. Post up, and be humble. There are a handful of guys in here that know copywriting (myself included), but most (myself included) couldn't hold a candle to the guys that do it for a living. There are going to be subtle ideas and nuances that you won't see, even if this were your tenth or hundredth letter. Check them out and you'll see what I mean. Just be prepared to have your stuff ripped to shreds.

      Trust me - you're looking for this copy to make you money. It isn't a love-in. Look for the most brutal, pointed, knowledgeable critics you can find.
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