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Please Help Me with this Headline...

by kevinenrique
11 replies
Guys and gals, I need help deciding on a headline for an ad.
I have three versions. Which one you think will be better to motivate people to call me? I like number 3.

Any suggestions?

Your help is appreciated.

Headline 1
 Headline 2
Headline 3

Kevin
#headline
  • Profile picture of the author Jason Kanigan
    None, unfortunately. All generic. Bland. #2 is the closest to being effective. My take:

    "Anyone else want a voraciously hungry, wildly evangelistic, money-spitting MACHINE that grabs visitors by the collar and transforms them into desperately-eager-to-buy-from-you screaming fans?"

    We have a copywriting subforum here on WF. They could help you as well. I write copy, but don't spend much time there because a few egos are out of control.

    You need more personality in your headline...there are many, many designers out there--why should they buy from you, specifically? Yes, some people might be afraid of my headline. And others are going to be very attracted.
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  • Profile picture of the author internetmarketer1
    I would recommend checking out the copywriting forum as well. Just as Jason said, it all depends on how you write, the second one may work but it doesn't cut it. Check out that copywriting subforum.
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  • Profile picture of the author kevinenrique
    I appreciate the help guys.
    Will check the copywriting forum.

    Jason that's one hell of a headline lol. A bit too long for the space I have... Will try to trim it and see what I come up with.
    Thanks!
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Kevin, unfortunately putting up a headline which
      has no or very little thought about your target reader,
      is almost pointless.

      If you care to tell us what you know about them,
      then we can help you better.

      Best,
      Ewen
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      • Profile picture of the author kevinenrique
        Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

        Kevin, unfortunately putting up a headline which
        has no or very little thought about your target reader,
        is almost pointless.

        If you care to tell us what you know about them,
        then we can help you better.

        Best,
        Ewen
        You are right Ewen and I appreciate your observation.
        The ad is going to appear on a concert association's booklet. They print it once a year.

        Everyone that goes to the concerts receives a booklet. The age range is typically 50-70+ yr old. Mostly affluent.

        The assosiation also leaves the booklet at doctors/dentists/other offices.

        It's not laser targeted but I'm sure many biz owners will see the ad.

        I would like to create awareness and brand recognition but also would like to get some calls out of it.
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        • Profile picture of the author Lance K
          Do you have any raving testimonials from past cients? If so would any of them make a good enough quote to use as your headline?

          You could target people who already have websites with a website makeover type ad. Because the testimonial headline about what a profit exploding turn around wizard you are will also likely catch the eye of those who don't yet have a web site but may want one.

          Maybe use one of those testimonial quotes as your headline and then offer a free consultation. If you can back it up, make a guarantee that you'll find X number of changes you could make to instantly increase the profitability of their website or you'll write them a $50 check or something like that.

          Then set up a separate Google voice number or memorable url that redirects to your main site so you can track your results.
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          "You can have everything in life you want if you will just help enough other people get what they want."
          ~ Zig Ziglar
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        • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
          Originally Posted by kevinenrique View Post

          You are right Ewen and I appreciate your observation.
          The ad is going to appear on a concert association's booklet. They print it once a year.

          Everyone that goes to the concerts receives a booklet. The age range is typically 50-70+ yr old. Mostly affluent.

          The assosiation also leaves the booklet at doctors/dentists/other offices.

          It's not laser targeted but I'm sure many biz owners will see the ad.

          I would like to create awareness and brand recognition but also would like to get some calls out of it.

          Now we are getting better market intelligence!

          Let's work through this logically, so you have the highest probability of succeeding.

          These people continue to do well without a website.

          Probably own multi-million dollar businesses.

          They communicate by phone, fax and snail mail
          mostly.

          They aren't stupid,
          and don't like younger people
          who show a lack manners.

          They want respect.

          They may have a fleeting desire to be on the internet.

          But being bullied with all the reasons why they should turns them off.

          You must show empathy.

          Now does this sound like sense, when you think about their situation?

          If yes, then here's the stats on split test results I've seen for
          headlines targeted to those wanting to get online with their business.

          The winning headline was...

          ------------------------
          Get Your Business Online
          ------------------------

          The following text after the headline must be about showing empathy.

          You knock out their fears, one after the other.

          The next thing to consider is your call to action.
          Don't send them to your website.

          Their main form of communication is the phone.

          Only ask for the phone call.

          And Ideally put a photo of you so they get a feel what you are about.

          Best,
          Ewen
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          • Profile picture of the author kevinenrique
            I appreciate the help guys. I wanted to reply earlier but was caught up with work.

            Originally Posted by Lance K View Post


            You could target people who already have websites with a website makeover type ad. Because the testimonial headline about what a profit exploding turn around wizard you are will also likely catch the eye of those who don't yet have a web site but may want one.

            Maybe use one of those testimonial quotes as your headline and then offer a free consultation.
            I like your idea about testimonials... I will definitely experiment with this later. Thanks!

            Originally Posted by Iale View Post

            Hi,

            I'm guessing you're a web developer.

            #1. "80% of Biz Owners Use Their Website Wrongly - Here's How to Be Part of the Clever 20% Who Gets More Customers and Sales... Easier and Cheaper Every Time"
            Although I agree with Sasha that nobody wants to hear that their costly site was done the wrong way, I do see potential by using this headline. It arouses curiosity because they might think "Am I part of the 80%?".

            I like it.. worth trying it.
            Thanks for your input.

            Originally Posted by SashaLee View Post

            Hi there,

            Like View Profile: Iale I'm guessing you develop websites. You can thank me for my mind-reading abilities later.

            Think about what most small business owners think about - "I can pay $500 for a website, or I could probably learn it myself. Wordpress is easy".

            or

            "Everyone is selling me on getting a new website. It's sounding like Golden/Yellow Pages. I should look somewhere else for customers because obviously everyone is looking here"
            Actually I do develop websites... How did you know?
            Those are good questions to ask ourselves to better craft a headline or any advertising.
            Thanks Sasha!

            Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

            Now we are getting better market intelligence!

            These people continue to do well without a website.

            Probably own multi-million dollar businesses.

            They communicate by phone, fax and snail mail
            mostly.

            They aren't stupid,
            and don't like younger people
            who show a lack manners.

            They want respect.

            They may have a fleeting desire to be on the internet.

            But being bullied with all the reasons why they should turns them off.

            You must show empathy.

            Now does this sound like sense, when you think about their situation?

            If yes, then here's the stats on split test results I've seen for
            headlines targeted to those wanting to get online with their business.

            The winning headline was...

            ------------------------
            Get Your Business Online
            ------------------------

            The following text after the headline must be about showing empathy.

            You knock out their fears, one after the other.

            The next thing to consider is your call to action.
            Don't send them to your website.

            Their main form of communication is the phone.

            Only ask for the phone call.

            And Ideally put a photo of you so they get a feel what you are about.

            Best,
            Ewen
            Ewen, you nailed it... You described perfectly my target audience.
            I used this headline.

            There are three concerts starting Sept through Dec. I'll post the results of this ad by the end of the year.

            Thanks a lot for helping me with this.
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            • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
              Originally Posted by kevinenrique View Post


              Ewen, you nailed it... You described perfectly my target audience.
              I used this headline.

              There are three concerts starting Sept through Dec. I'll post the results of this ad by the end of the year.

              Thanks a lot for helping me with this.
              That's what happens when I ask the right questions!

              Best,
              Ewen
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  • Profile picture of the author Iale
    Hi,

    I'm guessing you're a web developer.

    Here are some questions that I think would also help us help you:
    a. How much space do you have for your ad?
    - This gives us an idea how much you can talk more or explain your headline overall. Also, helps us estimate how long your headline can be

    b. And what is the call to action for your ad? -> Go to a website to get a free report, call your office for a FREE consultation, or buy your service immediately?
    - This helps us make your headline more direct and "dense" in message in a sense

    Anyway, it's 5:27 am now and chickens are sounding their alarms.
    Let me give this a try, on a fly, before I sleep :-)

    #1. "80% of Biz Owners Use Their Website Wrongly - Here's How to Be Part of the Clever 20% Who Gets More Customers and Sales... Easier and Cheaper Every Time"

    Chopped version of #1: "80% of Biz Owners Use Websites Wrongly - Let Me Help You Be Part of the Clever 20% Who Gets More Customers and Sales... Easier and Cheaper Every Time"

    #2. "Put Your Site on Steroids! Give Me X Days <how long you provide service> & I'll Turn Your Site Into a Credibility Boosting, Customer Harvesting & Profit Sucking Machine"


    Extra Tips for writing your ad headline:
    1. Try enclosing your headline in open & close quotation marks (" ") to increase readership
    2. Or try have an arrow point to your headline (again, to increase readership of your headline during that first few seconds)
    3. Try to use the word "YOU" if you can - this helps get that "talking to a person 1-on-1" feel

    This is it for now as I'm kinda sleepy.

    Good luck Kevin!
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  • Profile picture of the author SashaLee
    Hi there,

    Like View Profile: Iale I'm guessing you develop websites. You can thank me for my mind-reading abilities later.

    Think about what most small business owners think about - "I can pay $500 for a website, or I could probably learn it myself. Wordpress is easy".

    or

    "Everyone is selling me on getting a new website. It's sounding like Golden/Yellow Pages. I should look somewhere else for customers because obviously everyone is looking here"

    Nobody wants to hear they're doing things "wrongly". They might have invested hard-earned euros in that "wrong" site.

    If I might approach a soap-box, headlines need to emulate testimonials more.

    "ABC plumbing hated their website. No leads. No sales. They called us. We changed that - see how".

    All the best,

    Sasha.

    P.S. I'm no headline writer. Just putting forward an idea.
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