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Unread 18th Nov 2020, 09:59 AM   #1
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Extremely Expensive Content Written By 2 Slugs And A Relatively Large Gnome
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Sir, I lied so you come in and read my text!

Sir, now that you are reading.. I write very good content for you. Yes sir, I write many words of best style, specially for you for low price. No problem sir, I make your content stick out like skyscraper in small village! Only $0,02 for 1000 words!

Now... we all know it can't be that easy.. Definitely not for these prices. Well, I'm Dutch, and you've walked into a whole different kind of a show. I call this: The One Man Real Keen Deal Seal Content Machine. Allow me a minute to explain.

Exceptionality isn't cheaply obtained
When it comes to ace content, correct grammar and punctuation are not going to seal the most deals for you. Even well flowing sentences explaining a product or service are not going to land the purchase. People want to be immersed, they want to start to trust you, enjoy your story, connect to your image, and they want to be taken by the hand, towards the cash register.

This requires authenticity, personality and creativity. These are things very hard to learn, as they come by talent, life experience, struggling, learning in other areas of life and dare I say it: 'soul'. That's why 95% of content writers fail miserably. They barely experienced things in the broadness life's scope, their character is underdeveloped, they got your money as their prize, and their competition isn't looking much better.

A masked man enters the room
How am I different? Well by now you already know a little that I actually do stick out, because I write authentically, confidently and richly. But I'll add to that: I bring a personality. People love written pieces with personality! Otherwise they'd be reading Wikipedia instead of personally written stories exploding with passion interweaving their experience and personality.
My writing is filled to the brim with this ingredient, and I'm ready to overflow into your business cup, so that your business can express itself as a passionate and devout advocate of its products or services, with richness and persuasion. People will love to read the content, regardless of the subject. I can even make a tutorial on how to lay bricks sound like it's going to be an amazing adventure. People want to be led, and they'll let themselves be led by (seeming) authentic passion.

My AP comes in 3 styles
Basically it boils down to this: I sell 'Authentic Passion'.. I have the skill to be able to sound authentically passionate about any subject, through writing. I sell this skill with 3 options: 'Informative', 'Passionate', and 'Party time!'. Basically these are the degrees of how enthusiastic and energetic the produced text will be. Do you want an interesting blog post explaining all the features of a caterpillar? Choose for 'Informative', and I won't make it sound like a rollercoaster ride. But if you want people to become completely excited from your massaging bathtub, then choose Party Time! Any request that doesn't need to be either of the extremes, go for Passionate.

You will want to invest in your moneysite/lander content
I understand that you're not willing to invest $20 per 500 words to fill up your blog every day, and that's totally fine. It probably doesn't need to have that degree of quality content. But when it comes to the pages where a large portion of your visitors enter the vicinity of your 'Call-To-Action', the content needs to be refined to perfection. That's where you'll want to invest your dollars, because that's what will either bring back the cash tenfold, or not at all.

A few things I need to explain before you choose to buy
#1. I don't do straight lies. I do embellish and exaggerate, conveying the product with a seeming passion without lying about it. I will never make statements such as 'I used product X 3 times and my leg regenerated itself back', unless I've actually tried it 3 times and had my leg regenerate itself back. However, I can make inference statements. This means, that for instance if I find 3 authentic reviews that say product X is extremely comfortable, I will express it to be very comfortable.
#2. There are niches I don't write for: adult, gambling, pharma, and I have the freedom to reject your niche. Basically I'm not writing for anything that is about exploiting people's weaknesses, or that will impair my own wellbeing.
#3. Though I do make revisions, I don't do complete rewrites. Some people are simply unable to be happy with a product, regardless of how much you try to satisfy. For this reason I made a limit: max. 3 revisions, max. 20%, 15% and the last revision 10% of the word count.

I've included a few sample excerpts of my writing, so that you can have a good idea of what you can expect from the varying styles and in varying applications. I've taken a bit of liberty in the writing style, which is an aspect we can make agreements on.
To further prove my Dutchy self to you, I've intentionally disabled spell checking and grammar checking, making sure this content is raw.

Alright, let's go.

'Informative' example 'Tutorial, How to install a CPU in your PC':

"Welcome! Thanks a lot for allowing us to guide you through your first steps to selfsufficiently repair or upgrade your pc. It's our honor!
Before we dive in, there'll be a few things that we need to explain. If you already understand these concepts, and are eager to get your hands to work, feel free to skip this section.

Static electricity can be a big problem
They don't tell you this when you buy your CPU, but it's actually a very important thing to take into account when you have your delicate computer opened up. It can destroy your new CPU and even the rest of your PC if you're not careful about it. Luckily we can minimize our risk with 2 methods and a small bit of preparation.

First, make sure you don't wear clothes that are risky. anything that you can rub against a balloon to make it magnetize... put it back in the closet. The best clothes you can wear right now is cotton, not wool or synthetic.

Methods:

#1. This is the slightly more expensive method, but it minimizes the risk to zero. It's to buy an anti-static wrist wrap, which basically is an earthing bracelet. You put it around your wrist, and you hook it up to the 'ground/earth' of a component in your house, for instance, a mounted heater. You can also make such a bracelet yourself, by simply taking conductive wire, bare, and tying it around your wrist and a grounded object. Make sure that the place you tie it to is also bare and conductive. Make sure there's not any paint in the way or other types of lacquer or dirt..

#2. Another method is to simply regularly touch something that is grounded. It will remove all static electricity from your body and have you able to install the component in your electronically sensitive computer. A proper interval would be once every 5 minutes, depending on the weather (hot humid weather is more likely to cause static charge).

Apply one of these methods, make sure your clothes are not a static charge catalyst, and you should be safe.

Alright, so let's install that puppy!

We're assuming that you've done the proper research for the CPU, whether it matches the mainboard and your CPU fan.
...."


'Passionate' example 'Review, Sennheiser HD- 4.20S':

"Traffic no longer exists, now only your unhindered Realm of Music does

It's 5 days after purchase, and let me begin with saying WOW. We've got a winner here, on all aspects. I'm excited writing this, and honestly I don't know which feature I should start with, because really, this headphone has it all. Let me simply start with a list of all its standout features: 'comfortable, lightweight, stylish, sturdy, well defined sound, pumping bass, very effective noise cancelling, compact and extra features'. If I had to mention one aspect that could be better, then it obviously would be that it's got a cable. Personally, I'm a strong fan of bluetooth headphones with high quality built-in equipment. But, let's be reasonable, this headphone only costs 80 bucks. And for 80 bucks what you get just is insane. If this thing were to have bluetooth on top, then 'I'd quit my job and become a Sennheiser dealer' (now don't pin me down on that).

Comfortable
I'm always hesitant when it comes to trying out a new headphone, because I never know whether it's going to fit well with my personal set of ears. Well when I received the HD-4.20S I was in for a surprise. I had it in my hand, bringing it to my forehead.. sweat increasing.. now the headband around my head, the cups starting to touch my ears.... 'Hey.. this feels nice..' Now letting go, the headphone clamping.. 'Wait... That's all?!?'. It does have a confident feel about it, it won't fall off, but, it barely clamps. I'm not exaggerating when I say it feels like a bit of a massage. The cups are soft and only clamp slightly. It sits very comfortable. Having it on my head for multiple hours is not even a bit of a problem. The pads are made out of synthetic leather and do not become sweaty. That's definitely a plus, as I like to listen to music for extended periods. The headband is elastic, and that makes it adapt to the shape and size of your head.

Lightweight
At 380 grams, if I were to carry this headphone in a bag, and it'd fall out.. I don't think I would notice. It's light. And that makes listening to music very pleasurable, because you barely notice it's there.

Stylish
Now I admit, this is a bit of a weak point of me; I'm not very focused on style. For instance, I like to wear comfortable clothes and care less about how they look. But, I must say, these headphones look sleek and sexy. It's obvious Sennheiser spent effort to have them meet the standards of 2021. They don't stick out, they're even quite bland in that regard. It won't make people turn heads. But, they simply fit in perfectly.
..."


'Party Time!' example 'JBL Partybox 310':

"What's that I'm hearing, is it an earthquake about to happen?? Nope, it's the new JBL Partybox 310!

Once upon.. a too social evening in a room. Friends, colleagues, acquaintances, and likely some 'beverages'.. Everyone is waiting for something to happen.

They barely noticed that sleek black cabinet standing in the corner of the room. Until....

You turn off the lights. The atmosphere thickens, 'Ohhh something's gonna happen..' You turn up your phone's light, and walk over to the corner.. No one's sure what you're doing there, until you press the 'ON' switch and your phone hooks up. The room's darkness is now filled with light from the 2 colorful light emitting rings around the speaker drivers. 'Ooohhh Aahhh', as they get immersed in the colorshow. You're thinking: 'Wait until you hear this baby.. Let's.. kick it in at full volume '.

On your phone you maxed it out, and search for the right bass thumping partystarter. You know they're in for a surprise.

The intro starts to play. Everyone is completely intrigued and immersed in the play of lights. It's LOUD already and it's just an intro without any bass. But, it's not harsh, it's perfect. People are starting to get into the rhythm, some heads are bumpin' to the beat.. Oh here comes the build up to the drop... Is it gonna be good? Is the JBL gonna do it? Here it comes.. Almost... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, BOOM. Your crowd is screaming and cheering.

The JBL Partybox 310 delivered.

When the Partybox 310 has the word in the room, no one else does. When this piece of equipment in turned On, there's always a party. If there aren't any people in the room while it's playing, the worms under the ground will start to dance. It's powerful. Once you turn it up, you can't turn it back down, because you're lost in the rhythm and soundscape.
..."


Conclusion

Price: $20 per 500 words for authentic, confident, rich, connective content. With me you know I'll deliver a higher standard, a standard that 'sticks out like skyscraper in small village'. If you're not convinced of my writing, then that's perfectly fine! No hard feelings. But if you've come to realize I have the better deal, then please get the following things ready:

1. Size and Context of your requirement. I need as much info as you can give me surrounding the topic you want me to write on. Your personal requirements, and as much details you can give already. I will research the rest.

2. Who's my target audience? I adapt to the largest audience of your product/service.

3. Informative, Passionate or Party Time! ?

If I like your project a lot, I might overdeliver, I'm kinda prone to that..

Ordering instruction: On this forum, PM me with all these details and I'll let you know my Paypal address to get this gig rolling..

Thanks for reading. I wish you well. Have fun this afternoon/morning/night. Don't sprain your ankle.
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