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Unread 14th Jan 2013, 09:50 AM   #1
World-Class Copywriter
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World-Class Copywriter Seeks MONEY HUNGRY Clients
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World-Class Copywriter Seeks Money-Hungry Clients Who Demand their Copy Sells

If I Can't Make You Lots More Money - I Won't Let You Hire Me

Dear Warrior,

Are you a results focused entrepreneur, info-marketer, internet marketer, coach, consultant, company owner or marketing professional who would like to sell more without additional effort? If so, read on.

My name is Cadnam Barnes and I am looking for a very special company who would like to quickly generate more sales and profits with very little effort and without any risk. Are you that company?

Maybe, maybe not. The first thing it depends on is me.
 You see, if I’m not your kind of guy then what I have to offer may not be your idea of how your products or services should be sold.

So let’s start with me. Here’s what my life is like. First of all, I’m an early riser. I usually get up around 5.30 AM and eat a piece of fruit and drink a cup of coffee and then, on most days, by 5:45 AM , I’m jogging (plodding) around sleepy Hampshire. How far I run depends on how good I feel. It’s never less than three miles and seldom more than seven. When I’m finished I head to the room I call “The House of Pain” (actually it's just a converted cellar room) where I embark on body weight strength training that has me contorted into positions my body was not designed for.

Whatever, after about an 30 minutes of this, I head back upstairs to shower, change into fresh clothes and eat a light breakfast with my two children and the 'yellow head' - my dearest beloved.

Finally, after all this, I get to work by 8:00am at the latest.

And boy, do I ever work, I love what I do for a living and, I must confess, I am truly a workaholic. For example, right now - as I write this I'm putting together the promotional packages for a project involving Apple and Google, one for fitness professionals, another for a financial firm and one for local business world wide. I am writing two books (one fiction and one non-fiction). I treat every single project as if my life depended on it. I'll spend hours and hours researching each project, hunting, searching for the one 'killer' hook which will ignite your sales or response to the piece I'm creating. My father was a perfectionist - my genetics mean I too cannot rest unless your piece is a blockbuster.

It’s quite a workload - I've got people queuing up for me to write for them.

And what do I do after I stop working? What is my big reward for all this running and grunting and pumping iron and stretching and straining and writing and thinking and solving and creating and caring and so on?

FUN - that's what. My son loves trains, we ride on lots of trains.
 My daughter loves trains too (right now, she's only 18 months).
 And the 'Yellow Head' loves nothing more than a cosy glass of wine and a 3D movie (preferably a thriller) in our home cinema.
 But things aren't perfect.

You see, for the last 31⁄2 months I have been spending my evenings and weekends on a marathon of non-stop sulking.

And why have I been sulking? Good question. And, once again, the answer is simple. Up until 31⁄2 months ago, I was quite happy to accept any client that would come my way. Any 'Tom, Dick, or Harry' that wanted a sales letter written, a website written or revised, a video script, email series, postcard, infomercial, a brochure, a press release, whitepaper, annual report or whatever. And I thought I'd be happy doing that forever.

Why? Well almost none of those clients actually cared whether the copy I wrote made them money! It seems crazy I know. They wanted it to sound this way, look that way, read like this. They were rarely concerned about igniting a frenzy of sales. Rarely interested in doubling, tripling, quadrupling their profits using the powerful, direct-response copy I've spent 15 years and hundreds of thousands of pounds of my own money researching, testing and perfecting. They didn't really care. They didn't really get it -- and that made me feel bad inside. How could I take their money for by 'blood, sweat and tears' (and trust me, even today once I get typing my fingertips can only take so much) when I knew that their closed minded, limited thinking meant they were literally locking customers, sales and profits out of their business by demanding the use of 'fluffy, wasteful, copy'.

Nothing could sway them. Not the odd 12 page sales letter I wrote responsible for over a quarter of a million pounds (over $403,272.00) in auto-pilot sales for one young man who was sat at home trying to find his way after another redundancy. Not the single postcard sent to a completely cold list that took a new coaching program in a new never touched before market from nothing to over £32,721.00 ($52,808.00) in profit in less than 30 days. Not the single page website that sold over £22,000.00 ($35.505.80) in a single day to a small list of previous clients that had been ignored for over a year. Nothing could move them - my pleas fell on deaf ears…

Well, such is life. But what’ s done is done and 31⁄2 month’ s worth of sulking is more than enough for anyone and now it is time for me to climb up out of my sulk, use good old Dan Kennedy’s advice and go find myself clients who truly want results (and I mean money).

So why write this ad? Why do I have to advertise for the right clients? Am I full of hot-air?

No, I am not. I have a lifestyle most envy - a family to die for. I’m in excellent health, I’m not hurting for money.

So once again, why do I have to advertise to get a client? Well, actually, I don’t. As I mentioned before I have more clients than I want. I've had those clients who just 'want copy' and I have too enjoyed the company of outstanding, forward thinking results (i.e. money) focused clients who want real direct-response copy that works. And I want MORE of those.

But you know what else? I’ve also been approached by potential clients who were not so outstanding. In fact, I’ve had more than a few enquiries from people who, although they had best intentions, were, in fact, flat out dummies!

Want some examples? You do? OK, you asked for it. Try these out for size.

Liam the Logo: Liam is a 33 year-old marketing man who waltzed into my office and informed me (before I even had a chance to say hello) that he and his boss were very excited about their new logo and they wanted an ad to help show it off. Liam was sure his shiny new logo would send sales through the roof.

Well, what the hell, I'm no loud mouth but inside my head I was shouting 'AAHH nobody cares about your logo but you!'

You see. Liam's idea of a sales letter included his logo at the top and not much else. I showed him the door…

Brian the Bore: Brian was a very smart looking chap (lovely shiny shoes and a big handsome smile). Trouble is on this occasion beauty was only skin deep. Brian wanted to take a new product to market and it was a great product. But Brian had a problem. Like my father in law he's what you might call 'stuck in his ways'.

A belligerent, self opinionated nightmare is what I fondly call him now. His idea of an advertisement that sells is a picture of his widget (the product not his wotsit) and a clever slogan to match. A fatal mistake boring Brian... I showed him the door... 

Paul The Penny Pincher: Paul grew his business from the ground up. His pride and joy. Over the years things had become much more complex for him, much more competitive and much harder for him to acquire customers. His appreciation of direct-response 'killer' copy was what separated him from his competition and kept him ahead.

Sat in Paul's office I quoted my fee for a new direct mail package which would add hundreds of thousands to his bottom line. "What!?" he said. "At those rates you'll be making more than me!!!"... I looked him squarely in the eye and said "Yes Paul that's because I'm the only person around here who has any idea how to get you new customers and if you don't have new customers you will go bust!"... "My fee is simply a portion of your companies gain and as you know Paul... if you don't gain... nor do I..."

Tracey the 'Time Vampire':
Sensational looks. A real traffic stopper. Tracey was NOT a real vampire but boy did she waste my time... Tracey had a terminal case of tunnel vision. The only thing that she could focus on whatsoever for more than 10 seconds was her precious career. AND this may or may not shock you the people in charge of her next step up didn't know a good brochure if it jumped off the table and 'bit them on the ass'…

Like Liam the Logo all Tracey the 'Time Vampire' cared about was pleasing her powers at be. She was deadly dull. But worse than that if either she or her powers at be had even a 'brain fart' in the middle of the night she'd be bombarding my phone line like a crazed stalker. And it's a shame because as with Brian the Bore had she just been able to use the powerful direct response copy I had planned for her then the great products she was selling would have been 'flying out the door' and her precious career would have been on it's way. Instead... I showed Tracey the door…

I could go on and on. All of these examples (except for the names) are true (and some creative embellishment to make them more fun). They have not been made up. In fact, they have been toned down!

And so far, I haven’t even described what I consider the worst category of client at all. These are those who, in my opinion, might actually be clinically crazy. You want to know how I can tell? It’s easy. You see, these are all the company owners and marketing professionals who do not have any of the drawbacks that turn me off and who, for some unexplained reason, are not interested in me. Can you imagine that?

Anyway, the idea of this ad is simply to put a little “science into the search” and to eliminate me having to spend a lot of time with a client only to discover that I am not interested in them or else (and much worse) that they are not interested in me.

What do I want in a client? Well, I’ve got a pretty good idea but I am, I must admit, quite flexible. However, I have a very clear idea of what I don’t want and it is here that I am not flexible at all. So, let’s start with that. Here they are.

7 Things Cadnam Does NOT

Want From a Client!

#1 THOSE WITHOUT MONEY: This is my number one no-no. Listen, I’ve never been to a good restaurant and expected a free meal. Neither have I called Land Rover to book a testdrive when I had no intention of buying one. Yet for many years prospective clients would ask me to prepare a brief, even provide a sample when they has ZERO, ZILCHO, nada budget to pay for my services. IT'S AN INSULT.

Over 15 years, thousands of hours of study, hundreds of thousands of pounds of my own money in testing and yet I was treated like a spotty 'teenager' sat outside the local supermarket giving away free packets of dog biscuits…

What that means is that I'm a serious direct-response copywriter who is in business to find the best clients and only work with those I know I can make money. If that doesn't suit you, please, please, do NOT respond to this ad.

Having spent years wrapped up in chains like a caged animal training with the World's most prestigious sales and marketing school I know what it's like to be under pressure. But look, life is too short to get stressed up about anything. I've been to the bottom of the scrapheap, searching for pennies down the back of the sofa and I've enjoyed picking up my brand new Porsche. Drop the stress and everything is much easier.

So, if right now you're addicted to stress, whinging, panics, mood-swings then sort yourself out first. If you know exactly what outcome you want from the copy you need then I'll show you the fastest way from A to B and you ask as many questions as you want. Think of me like a cross between James Bond, David Ogilvy and Jim Carey - we'll have FUN and you'll get ‘killer’ results. But if you're a 'stress-head', addicted to stress for the sake of stress; if you go home at night and say to your husband, wife, partner 'I'm stressed' then I must ask you once again please, please DO NOT respond to this ad.

#3 DESPERATE DILEMMAS: Are you sleeping in your car because your mortgage is three months overdue? Are you in desperate need of fast money because your poor payroll is due and you're gonna miss it without a winner?

I’m sorry, I really am. I’m a brilliant copywriter and if I let you become a client I'll guarantee results. BUT I’m not God. I’m very compassionate and very understanding but I have recently retired from trying to save the world (or you or anyone else...).

Therefore, I am not qualified to save your life. However, if you will let me, I might be able to enhance it by adding some 'secret sauce' to your copy which ignites a spending frenzy…

#4 A JOB: I’ve had a few jobs in the past. It took me a while to forge my escape. I've no desire or need for another job -- EVER. If I confirm I can help you and extend my guarantee then we'll form a partnership for mutual gain. You see, at this point in my life, I don’t want to have a job, I just want to help the right people make lots more money using the things I know - nothing more..

It would be nice, if you decide to answer this ad, if you are an entrepreneurial type yourself and not 'just an employee'... I don’t want to be part of your daily routing. I would much rather be that special somebody who you invite to help you a handful of times a year on you most important projects.

#5 I DON’T WANT A SWINGER: Do you spend your days attending supplier 'orgies'? Do you have a lifetime membership at “we'll get it cheaper elsewhere"? Do you refuse to call yourself a cheap-skate even though you try to hammer down prices without any consideration of the long term implications? Do you have a time clock in your pants and a cash register in your pocket?

Sorry, we’re not compatible.

You know, even though I’ve been on both sides, I feel that, by SENSIBLE standards, I’m almost a virgin. For example, someone told me recently that some copywriters deliver 500 quotes a year!!!

Could that be true? I don’t know but, if it is, in my opinion, a man to be pitied, not to be envied. I’ll take quality over quantity any day.

#6 I DON’T WANT A PRUDE: I bet by now you think I’m repressed, don’t you? I bet you think I'm some old 'goat' from the 1950's who is way behind the times. I bet you think that if you and Justin Bieber showed up at my door with a suitcase full of excitement from Ann Summers and suggested we have a ménage a trios that I would toss you both out on your ear and report you to the “fair trade commission”!

Fear not, they'll be no menage a trios today and I may be cautious but I am not crazy.

Hark unto me. Listen. Just because I’m not into 'whoring' myself out to any client just for a few pennies a word doesn’t mean I’m dead. It’s true that I don’t want any clients who expect me to bend over and take it where it hurts on price. However, on the other hand, if you think a copywriter is just another person you need to hire and you don't give a 'cr*p' whether what they right sells or not then, you may rest assured, our stars were simply not meant to cross.

 Don’t laugh. I lost the love of my life because things got “too good”. Some are into the struggle and not the reward.

I’m into both. As you already know, I like to work but work without reward is senseless. It seems to me that many woman (and men) just insist on filling up their lives with a lot of needless trauma.

Not me, I want the payoff along with the pain. Therefore:

“If you don’t want the good

And just want the bad.

Don’t waste your time

By answering this ad!”

Good Lord, that was corny, wasn’t it?

Well, anyway, that’s my laundry list of what I don’t want and, in fact, what I can’t handle. Now comes the hard part. I really feel awkward about saying what I do want. I’m afraid if I get too explicit it will seem like I’m an insensitive clod.

On the other hand, if I don’t set down some guidelines, I’m afraid this ad will be answered by many with whom I would not be at all compatible.

So please, give me a break. I’m not nearly as definite about what I am about to write as it will appear in print. Remember, what I am about to write is not etched in stone.
 Anyway, here I go.

My idea of a perfect client is someone who is intelligent, profit focused with a good sense of humor and someone who will pay handsomely when (and only when) they get superior results.

As far as business size is concerned... well... size isn't everything... a serious entrepreneur launching a new company who need serious direct response copy to gain quick momentum will be as exciting as a multi-milllion pound corporate clients. You can be sat at home on your own like and we could get on an indeed you might have an army of workers and we’d still get on. So don't get hung up on size - as long as you know what you want, it's no big deal…

As far as geography is concerned - I don't care. It doesn't matter because unless you've got a complete disrespect for your and/or my time there's no need for you or I to spend even one minute driving to see each other or sat on a train surrounded by 'dazed commuters' longing for an end to their misery. Look, there's a reason why people much smarter than me invented the internet and online video. And, if you must, you can have a look at my 'ugly mug' via an online video meeting. And if you truly must see me in the 'flesh and blood' then fine - but lunch is on you and we'll know way before that that we’ll be making lots of money together. 

So much for specifications.

And now if after all this, you are still interested, what can you expect from me? Well, the first two words in the headline of this ad are “World Class” and I am just that. However, world-class does not mean arrogant. It also doesn’t mean I'm so 'pig-headed' I expect to get paid without delivering results. When you get to know me you'll see I'm a generous, warm-hearted family man who wants nothing more than you to get the results you deserve.

Here’s what I mean by world class. First there are very few copywriters as good as me in the world. Many are much better know - many charge much more right now - but few are as good. I like to give them copy which literally sucks customers/clients/patients out of thin air and lands them on your bank account. And, if I get really involved with a client I rather enjoy helping to support them and develop their own world-class prowess (if it's yet to exist ;-)).

Also, I work HARD, FAST and to DEADLINES. I love to travel for long weekends (four days or so) and so on. And for that to happen I have to work to a very tight schedule. I've conditioned myself over years and years to deliver the best copy on time - every time.

Does any of this sound good to you? I hope so. This is an honest ad. Every word is true bar a little creative embellishment to make it entertaining, you should also know that I am sincere.

Are you sceptical about responding to an ad? I don’t blame you. I sure am. Before I decided to write this ad I started reading other “copywriters” websites and they scare the hell out of me. I’m always afraid there's a low-grade English teacher or a marketing employee dropout who fancies there chances writing copy sat waiting for you behind the ad. You can tell by their sites they've got no idea what sells…

I mean, have you read those sites? They go like this:

"I'm a copywriter and I'll make you 50 million quid in a week!"

 even worse...

"I'm a freelance copywriter. Thanks for clicking through to my site. I've been doing this since the start of time. I worked at a top London Agency. I eat chicken and breath brands...."

And so on.

I’m not like that. Really. I’m not I promise. I know you don't actually give a 'sh*t' about me and nor should you IF you're the right type of client for me. The only thing that's important is that YOU, YES YOU get the results and the profits you deserve from your copy.

And - as I said at the top of this ad "If I can't make you money - I won't let you hire me".

If you are at all interested in multiplying your profits with the best direct response copy or indeed you are just curious then I’ll spend an initial 15 minutes talking to you for FREE and guarantee that even if we’re not a match I’ll give you tips to make you more money.

Just call me on (415) 513-0333 from the US or 02380 970117 from the UK (or PM me on this site if I can figure put how to use that) and as long as you’re not a complete time-wasting tyre-kicker I’ll get back to you within 48 hours to schedule your 15 minutes. 

Who knows. Maybe we’ll click and maybe we won’t. But, at the very least, you won’t be writing to some second rate self proclaimed copywriter who couldn't sell condoms in a brothel and maybe, just maybe, it’ll all turn out great.

So pick up the phone, give me a call on (415) 513-0333 from the US or 02380 970117 from the UK and secure your 15 minute ‘FREE-Money’ consultation. Call now while it’s fresh in your mind.

Talk soon, Cadnam Barnes.

PS: Disclosure: A little confession in advance... I am not the most experienced, most expensive or richest copywriter on the planet (yet) and if you ask around and anybody on the WF says they know me - they're lying.

My copywriting career is 6 years old, not in this circle and most of it making money for me with my products and services. But longevity and being known by your peers is no guarantee of copy that sells and no guarantee of success in any field. For this reason I give every client I accept a simple guarantee that as long as you'll spend money testing I'll spend money trying to improve it.

PPS: Time to blow my own trumpet - here's what Ted Nicholas (if you don't know one of the greatest copywriters ever with something silly like $6 billion in sales for himself and clients) said about my copy "I rarely see copy this good" Ted Nicholas. Thanks Ted; you're a legend. Anyway, give me a call or PM me with questions or to book your free 15 minutes and let's see if we can make some money together.
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