Is My Sales Copy Junk? Please Crotique...

12 replies
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Greeting Worriors,

I am new to this form and would greatly appreciate your crotique of my website / sales copy. I have a great product that I spent probably 450 hours writing the manual, and about 150 hours producing 34 Camtasia videos for, and made my best effort at writing the copy for my sales page, yet have NO sales after about 8 weeks, even though I am selling it through ClickBank... I feel really embarassed & disappointed after all the effort I put into my project.

I realize that teaching people how to publish an online newsletter isn't as exciting of a topic as some of the crazy make $1,000 before this time tommorow products out there, but I am getting about 20 unique visits to my website each day, yet none convert, and almost nobody even signs up for my mini-course which is actually another quality product in it's self.

Is it just my topic you think, or is my sales copy the problem?

I would greatly appreciate some constructive critisism to figure out where I am going wrong.

Since I am a new Warrior I can't provide my URL here - please see my signature block...

#copy #crotique #junk #sales
  • Profile picture of the author Bruce Hearder
    Hi Randall

    Its a great looking website, well done.

    My only criticism of the site is that the copy is hard to read!
    I had to force myself to read past the first few sentences and then I gave up.

    Your popup..
    Its looks nice, but the first thing you say is signup for my mailing list!
    Ouch!!! Who wants to be on yet another persons mailing list..
    So leave that bit out and go straight to the mini course.. How baout a freebie offer withg the mini course (like first video free)

    More likely to get people to signup..

    I hope this helps, but then again.. Aren't you suppose to be the expert on list building (or is this a PLR product you have reeorked)?

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    • Profile picture of the author DC Marketing
      I have to agree with Bruce.

      Refine it a little and keep asking questions.

      You are ahead of the game by taking a step forward.

      Most do not get as far as you have!

      Keep moving forward!

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    • Profile picture of the author ActionToCash
      Hi Bruce,

      Thanks for the reply & the feedback - I liked your ideas about taking off the lingo about joining my mailing list & making my copy flow better. And as far as being the expert on list building - I'm still learning every day from people like you

      Thanks for the encouragement - the reason I made this course was because there was so much interest in my online newsletter program. This is my first go of creating an online product which requires a whole new list of skills to succeed. I feel good that I at least got it completed - now its time to make it work!

      Thanks for your brutal honesty. Maybe you were just saying what nobody else wanted to say out of fear for being to critical, so I appreciate you giving me your thoughts. In truthfulness I agree that the graphics are a little on the 'hardcore', and war like side, I think that was due to the products title having the word 'Explosion' in it - so my graphics artist ran with it. But regardless I felt the title 'Newsletter Necessities' was too boring so that was why I renamed it.
      Regardless, thanks again for spending some of your time to take a look and give me some insight!

      Kind regards to all!


      Happy Marketing!!!

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  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Rickfold
    I'm Sorry!
    I don't usually give critiques to websites because I consider myself a very harsh critic. I wanted to stay away from this one too, but since you asked for it... here it goes...

    I'm going to have to disagree with Bruce Hearder was saying. The website is not nice looking.
    It looks like some kind of war gaming site. Or some cheap war movie studio. And the graphics are too hardcore, heavy, with all these different elements. The graphics don't have anything to do with list building!

    And yeah, the impact on the headline isn't a very good idea.
    Sorry, but I couldn't control myself from not posting...


    Be The Change You Want To See In The World

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  • Profile picture of the author Vikram73
    Black and red are very aggressive and need to be used sparingly IMO. The WF is a good example of black and red usage. It's used for borders and colors

    McDonalds is another good example of the use of red (red psychologically makes us hungrier - this is also why Burger King & Wendy's have red in their logos).

    So use these colors sparingly and think what sort of effect do you want your customer to have? Panicked?

    I would:

    - change the theme - use the red/black/orange more sparingly - maybe for your call to action. Use more whites and gentler colors.
    - slow down the pop-up for the opt-in email.
    - add more pages that are easy to navigate to so that people can easily click around your site and read some free content.

    Keep them on your site for a while and then let them opt-in to your list. Keep it very simple and easy going.

    When Google first came onto the scene one of the reasons they rose so quickly in prominence was the simplicity of their site.

    They turned down billions (literally) in advertising money on their front page because they knew it was a turn off. So again, really work to simplify your landing page and pleasant and relaxing to read.

    I think the only time these sorts of "busy" landing pages work is if you're in a niche that calls for them.

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    • Profile picture of the author ActionToCash
      Thank you for the feedback Vikram & thanks for spending the time it took you to review my site and write this review.

      I appreciate about what you said about the look & feel. Yeah - perhaps the theme is as mentioned by Antipot is a little to strong and I don't want them to feel panicked.

      Perhaps I need to consider a calmer template.

      Thanks again.

      If anyone else has more feedback whether nice or critical please keep sending it my way so I can figure out what people like and don't like about my site.

      Kind regards,


      Happy Marketing!!!

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  • Profile picture of the author ActionToCash
    Man - I've been going through a lot effort using my WYSIWYG to redo my website. I don't have it uploaded yet, but I'll let everyone know when I finish it next week to see what everyone thinks.

    Kind Regards,


    Happy Marketing!!!

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    • Profile picture of the author Ross Bowring
      Hi Randall, you'll get other useful responses if you request a critique in the copywriting forum.

      --- Ross
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  • Profile picture of the author alanaj
    Hi Randall,

    I wanted to send you this review in a PM but I don’t have enough posts yet J From one new vendor to another here is my review for your site & sales copy:

    1. The site is dark with the red and black. Consider another color scheme. I don't know what colors work for your niche. I'm sure someone on WF can give you specifics. I agree that the pop-up is too sudden and should come in after someone has been on the site for some time.

    2. Sales Copy - I applaud your effort, especially for trying to help other IMs grow their businesses. Please take this with a grain of salt.

    Dear Fellow Business Person, - this sounds too formal and impersonal. I know this works for many vendors so stick with it if you really like it. My replacement suggestion is: Hello Internet Marketer!

    Your first sentence is too long and I felt like I was struggling to follow what you were saying. My replacement suggestion:

    Don't lose even 10% of your contacts simply because you aren't communicating with them. Every relationship requires communication. It doesn't take a genius to realize that you are losing business if you're not staying in touch with your customer database & leads.

    Your last sentence in the first paragraph is a big run-on. My replacement suggestion: I also needed my contact organization method to be more efficient. Making endless phone calls each month to stay in touch became time consuming and kept me from other responsibilities.

    Paragraph 4: the word "that" is duplicated and delete "as well"

    Paragraph 5: I'm not crazy about the Rock Star bit, but if you like it then keep it there.

    Paragraph 6- 2nd sentence, my suggestion: This no-nonsense action packed course offers two options to get your newsletter program up and runningright away with a Fast Track method. There is also an advanced technique in the course for you to utilize at your discretion.

    Paragraph 9 my suggestion: The course is broken down into two components: The Training Manual and Video Tutorials (34 to be exact). Both will get you up to speed quickly.

    Paragraph 13 – last sentence, my suggestion: While I am not aware of a way to maintain allegiance from all your contacts, a newsletter is a great way to fill the cracks and keep many from falling through. (This stays in theme with your initial question at the top)

    Paragraph 14, my suggestion: Are you tired of calling everyone on your list and having lengthy conversations just to keep your products and services fresh in their minds? (If you choose to keep your version – “lengthy” is misspelled.

    Paragraph 15 – 1st sentence: second word “the” should not have a capital “t” & delete the comma before the word “and”. 2nd sentence, my suggestion: After you get your newsletter program setup your customer correspondence will be significantly automated so that you are fresh in your subscribers' minds, with very little work and time involvement.

    Paragraph 18 – 2nd sentence, my suggestion: I have gone great lengths to not only make this course usable and understandable, but also affordable!

    Paragraph 20 – 1st sentence, my suggestion: As you can see, this course is not only extensive, it is also affordable. 2nd & 3rd sentences: “Originally I was going to sell this course for $67.00, however, this is my first information product, and just like you, I would also like to grow quality subscriber lists as well, so I have marked the cost down to a serious bargain price of $37.00 to attract as much interest as possible! There is no guarantee that this price will stay this low permanently, and I am not aware of any other course that is this extensive with hand holding training every step of the way.”

    (I don’t agree with this marketing strategy and the 2nd sentence is too long. I’m sure it works on some online shoppers, but I don’t know if it will work on savvy Internet Marketers. Also, the way you try to identify with the customer is off somehow “and just like you, I would also like to grow quality subscriber lists as well”. Consider rewording if you keep that part. I’m not sure what to suggest for replacement text. Maybe something like this: “and just like you, I believe growing quality subscriber lists is a key part of online marketing”.

    I like everything you have at the bottom after your last “Buy Now” image. It sounds more personable and genuine. Good luck with everything. Again, please take everything I wrote with a grain of salt and sorry for any typos. I got a lot of great feedback from members in WF and I hope my review will help bring you closer to your own success. I didn't check the list of "Here's What You'll Learn" so run your spell check on that section.

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  • Profile picture of the author Johnny12345
    Hi Randall,

    There MANY problems...

    * The headline doesn't provide a powerful benefit.

    * The first paragraph rambles on. You need to get to the point. You need to focus on the benefits your prospect will receive.

    * You have THREE huge "buy now" buttons. That's too many. In addition, the first one comes before you even explain what they'll learn from your course.

    (Would you walk up to a person in real life and ask them to buy something before you told them what you were selling?)

    * Your opt-in box is just randomly "plopped" into the text. It doesn't belong there. In that position, it acts as a "roadblock" to the rest of your copy.

    * Your list of bullets is overly long -- it's overwhelming. You need to break them up into groups.

    * You need to use subheads to break up the long blocks of copy in your letter. Long blocks of text "look" -- and are -- hard to read.

    As you've learned, writing good copy isn't as easy as it may seem.


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  • Profile picture of the author Loren Woirhaye
    Your pop-in is hurting you. Get rid of it.

    This salesletter is pretty graceless. I don't think the graphics
    are bad, but maybe a little overdone.

    I looked over the letter and it seems to me your product has
    merit but your ability to structure your copy is limited. So,
    the content of what you've got is good, but your presentation
    is bad.

    I do detailed dual-format critiques - check my sig for more
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