Oh my god...this copy blows

16 years ago

Originally Posted by secretssovaluable

I would love to hear what anyone thinks of this sales page.

It's believable. It's authentic. It's hardly compelling, but it certainly engenders a level of trust that a traditional sales page is hard-pressed to deliver.

I particularly like the house, which looks like something a normal person would own. Indeed, it looks like something the author would own. It just feels right.

And authenticity is hard to come by online.

Thanks

Signature

"The Golden Town is the Golden Town no longer. They have sold their pillars for brass and their temples for money, they have made coins out of their golden doors. It is become a dark town full of trouble, there is no ease in its streets, beauty has left it and the old songs are gone." - Lord Dunsany, The Messengers

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1056603].message }}

Jo_Shua

16 years ago

I see what you are trying to do. You are trying to convey a newsy felling, correct? I hate to break it to you, but you have succeeded! And that is not a compliment...

Mark is right. You need to get rid of that format. WHY? -- for the same reason you designed it: it conveys a newsy feeling.

You are trying to sell your offer, not make news of it. Sure, the newsy feeling inspires a some-what trust, but it is the wrong type of trust.

Now some good points -- I do agree with Darklock. Your site is believable... even down to the house

Thanks

Signature

EBOOK WRITING SERVICE â€” 50% DISCOUNT â€” AMERICAN WRITER

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1056635].message }}

nontemplates

16 years ago

I'll focus on the positive - You have the germ of a VERY GOOD headline. I agree 100% with CDarklock. Theres an authenticity that comes across its just that your story meanders quite a bit into things we don't really need to know and you lose me quickly two paragraphs in.

Heed Wordpro's advice on the single column. Agree with him there but not that everything is wrong that is possible. CDarklock is bang on the money. In present IM sales copy in particular authenticity is hard to come by and with a little more help on the story and offer content you could pull it off.

Oh and that is a very weak call to action at the end. Its almost like you don't want to sell the ebook.

Thanks

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1056653].message }}

MarkAndrews IMCopywriting 16 years ago

[DELETED]

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1056660].message }}
- Jo_Shua 16 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by WordPro
  
  If it was a single column, I'd be much more inclined to read the sales copy.
  
  Agreed. I did not read past the headline. (don't get me wrong... the headline was good. The layout for the rest of the page hurt my eyes.)
  
  Thanks
  
  Signature
  EBOOK WRITING SERVICE â€” 50% DISCOUNT â€” AMERICAN WRITER
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1056664].message }}
- nontemplates 16 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by WordPro
  
  I only mean't as regards the layout, nothing else,
  
  In that case Agreed 100%. I actually got to the second paragraph because I found the headline had potential but then the copy killed it off completely.
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1057297].message }}
  
  SamKane 16 years ago
  
  The copy does NOT blow. It builds a genuine feeling of belief and authenticity that most money-making websites never build.
  
  As copywriters. We sometimes become numb to copy, and are only impressed by: Super-Jacked Up, Killer, Grab Them By The Nuts Until They Give You Money Copy....
  
  But like many of the best copywriters will tell you; building belief and trust in your copy will always out do "Killer" copy anytime.
  
  This letter does it well. She's an average Jane and she's not making shocking unbelievable claims.
  
  You might want to work on the offer and maybe the layout. But the copy itself is very good.
  
  [ 1 ] Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
  Signature
  These 2 "Weird" Magic Words Can Help You Achieve ANYTHING You Want... Instantly! (Not safe for work or around kids)
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1057448].message }}
  
  MacFreddie Banned 16 years ago
  
  I think 99% of the websites I see suck.
  
  This one is actually not bad because the 1st thing a Prospect looks for is
  
  C-R-E-D-I-B-I-L-I-T-Y.
  
  This site is more believable than 99% of the junk I see today. **** Berry, Health food, weight loss, How to make Millions on the Internet, etc...
  
  I guarantee some Out of Work mom who can assimilate with this woman will read the copy. That's all that counts.
  
  A very average overweight woman who looks like a soccer mom and is only claiming $200 day.
  
  Yeah, the layout could definitely be better, but the CONTENT is what makes YOU money.
  
  Mac
  
  Thanks
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1057486].message }}

Jo_Shua

16 years ago

Why not move some of those testimonials in front of your prospects eyes? Most will not click the testimonial link unless they want to read into it... If you put the testimonials in front of the prospects eyes, then they have no reason not to read them.

Also, utilize your FAQ section. Take those potential customer concerns and address them in the sales letter, not on a separate page.

Went back to read a little into the copy. You talk much about yourself. Remember this is about your prospect, and not you.

Address their concern and sell them the benefits.

Your strongest points are your headline, your house pic, and your banner design. The rest could use some touch up... But, you are heading in the right direction.

Thanks

Signature

EBOOK WRITING SERVICE â€” 50% DISCOUNT â€” AMERICAN WRITER

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1056689].message }}

firegold21

16 years ago

In my (humble and not yet pro) opinion, the main thing that doesn't work regarding the layout is the fact that the columns all go below the fold, which means a lot of scrolling down, then back up. If you could have them all be completely visible without scrolling, I think it might work better.

That said, I agree a single-column might be a better idea.

Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1056694].message }}

Jo_Shua

16 years ago

Originally Posted by firegold21

In my (humble and not yet pro) opinion, the main thing that doesn't work regarding the layout is the fact that the columns all go below the fold, which means a lot of scrolling down, then back up. If you could have them all be completely visible without scrolling, I think it might work better.

That said, I agree a single-column might be a better idea.

I do not... Unless you are creating a squeeze page or using a video to sell the prospect.

She has to sell the idea of making money from home. With many crap sites out there, she needs to gain rapport with the prospect, and it would be hard press to do so with so few words -- in my humble opinion.

Thanks
2 replies

Signature

EBOOK WRITING SERVICE â€” 50% DISCOUNT â€” AMERICAN WRITER

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1056704].message }}

MontelloMarketing

16 years ago

Single column will make her more money... no debate. Testing proves this.

Thanks
1 reply

Signature

The Montello Group
Copywriting|Publishing|Training
Your Premier Conversion Cooperative

Join Us For Free Conversion Webinars
CLICK HERE!

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1056728].message }}

Collette

16 years ago

Single column. Single page.

The back and forth, up and down thing is going to kill your readership. You're making them work too hard to get the information.

Graphics, etc seem fine. But the layout has got to go.

Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1056812].message }}

secretssovaluable

16 years ago

Originally Posted by Onslaught

My main problem with this as it sits is that it needs sub-heads to break
it up a little.

It does have a 'newsy' look but I fear that it does not translate well
on the Web.

It has a very personal vibe and I would imagine your target market would
appreciate that.

The 40+ word headline may need to be shaved down a wee bit

Thanks Onslaught, Good point I will ad some subheads.

Thank you all for your opinions. Will definitely test single column as well.

I think it is valid to say that most people reading copy in this forum are used to seeing a certain format, as well as a certain style of writing.

I intentionally avoided writing in a more hyped up style. Different things speak to different people.

I'll change a few things and give it a go.

Cheers

Thanks

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1058691].message }}

firegold21 16 years ago

Are you disagreeing with thinking a single column would be better or with thinking making it so they don't have to scroll would help the multi-column work better? I said both.

All I meant was IF they want to stay with the multi-column, getting rid of the need to scroll up and down to read it would be good. They could do that by having everything just be there, or by using divs or tables to make a second "page" below the fold, so you read all of the first page without scrolling, then scroll down to the next page, read it, etc.

However, I did agree that the single-column approach would be a better idea in general. To the best of my knowledge (from reading here and listening to top names via teleseminars, interviews, etc.), single-column is tried and true and is known to work. But perhaps split-testing the multi against the single would be a good thing to do, just to make sure.
- [ 1 ] Thanks
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1056878].message }}

firegold21

16 years ago

I believe you, WordPro. I was responding to Joshua, who had left me a bit confused as to what he was disagreeing with. And I only suggested a split test for the benefit of the doubt, so to speak. And possibly as a way for the original poster to convince themselves of which works better, if they're having doubts about the single column being better.

Joshua (yes, my name is Joshua too)

Thanks

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1057061].message }}

Hesster

16 years ago

I have to agree with the others. I like your copy. It's very authentic sounding. It does need to lose some weight (tighten it up a bit, because it meanders a lot in the beginning). It appears to be a pretty straightforward guide on affiliate marketing.

I think that you're going to have a tough time getting people to pay $24 for a 10 page report, though. You need something extra. Maybe offer a podcast version so people can listen in their spare time. I'd also change the price to $27. The number 7 seems to have some kind of magical buying effect on people.

Switch to the single page, single column format. It's been proven that you lose readers every time you make them click to go to the next page. They stop and then get distracted by something else and most don't continue reading.

Not everyone will read your entire copy. You also need subheads for people who scan. Make sure your subheads tell a mini-story so that those who don't read the body copy can get the idea what you're offering. Put some captions under your pictures. They get read much more than body copy. A PS at the bottom of the page that states your offer is also a must, a lot of times people will read the headline, then scroll down to the PS before reading anything else.

[ 1 ] Thanks

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1057206].message }}

metaldragon

16 years ago

i always let the traffic decide how good any copy is. after all your visitors will tell you more about what works or not better than anything.

Thanks

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1057481].message }}

WealthWomanWisdom

16 years ago

Originally Posted by secretssovaluable

I would love to hear what anyone thinks of this sales page. It is a different format than you are normally used to seeing online.

I don't have enough posts to post the link, but the site is:

myworkathomesolution.com

Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated?

Well the layout can do with lots of work...people don't really want to read columns. As for the header...people want to get rich so you just turn off a lot of people by your statement "I might not be getting rich". Having said that, the rest of the statement would be the drawing point for a lot of people since we all want to be our own bosses. So my advice would be to change the beginning of that statement.

Thanks

Signature

http://www.wealthwomanandwisdom.com

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1057506].message }}

Daniel Scott

16 years ago

First of all, I'm sorry but the headline is pretty bad.

It's true that your angle may resonate with a lot of people... but it still needs to be a typical sales page if you want high conversions.

I think what people are connecting with here is the ANGLE you have... ie. the honesty factor, that you don't make $10933 a day with 20 seconds of work. Your angle is believable, and because of that it could work quite well.

BUT... it needs to be written properly.

People seem to think that emotionally charged writng is "hype". It's not. It doesn't matter what you are selling, your letter needs emotion and "power words". Excited prospects buy your stuff.

And, as everyone else said, it's a bad layout for online.

Your target market is people who are already skeptical of the "big claims". You want to get those people and say "look, it's ridculous to think you'll make millions with no work... but a few hundred a day is easy. I did it, and I'll show you how to do it."

In a nutshell, you want to emphasize your USP much more.

That's just a few points for thought... your page needs a lot of work.

But it's a starting point.

-Dan

Thanks
1 reply

Signature

Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1057832].message }}

nontemplates

16 years ago

Originally Posted by Daniel Scott

First of all, I'm sorry but the headline is pretty bad.

I'm going to step up for the OP and say it most definitely is not. Its targeted marketing. The OP's market is not "get rich quick" or even wannabe "Internet Marketers" its "work at home" and a huge part of that market are either stay at home moms or moms that want to stay at home. The headline resonates. I do believe the copy needs a lot of work but the headline just needs a little refinement.

It's true that your angle may resonate with a lot of people... but it still needs to be a typical sales page if you want high conversions.

It needs work but why does it always need to be typical?

I know the conventional blaring headline (in bold in red or both) followed by long prose and story spiced with emotional triggers and urgent calls to the action is said to be tried and proven but theres a psychological reality thats being ignored in copy writing that is bound to change what is tried and proven -

Association

There are already a HUGE amount of people that associate the typical online sales page with scam artists, snake oil salesmen and empty get rich quick schemes. They've associated the standard pitch and angle with hundreds of horrible and empty offers from people who have no other goal but transfering money into their pockets. They see the format and they bounce out in a millisecond. The more people who get ripped the more the asociation will grow.

Frankly we are shielded from this because in the internet marketing world the association is different than the general public. Our "Heroes" use these techniques but for the mom (or stay at home dad) thats number one priority is her kids whose life is too full already to aspire to be a full flledged Internet Marketer it very often is seen as a noisy pitch with only one intent - bamboozling people out of their hard earned money.

Its rough but I think the OP may be on to something in her target market. Tweak it, get the pitch into one column and roll it out for a test. Can't hurt. It doesn't always have to be molded by the IM cookie cutter.

Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1058442].message }}

MarkAndrews IMCopywriting 16 years ago

[DELETED]

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1059429].message }}
- CDarklock 16 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by WordPro
  
  I'd like to know what you are calling all of the experienced copywriters here, with the comment that is bolded and italicized below...
  
  Nothing. He's talking about the sales copy most people encounter on the internet on a daily basis - and most of it isn't written by experienced copywriters. It's copied by amateurs without understanding what they're doing, and even with the best of intentions, they don't really know what they've promised - so they frequently can't deliver it.
  
  [ 1 ] Thanks
  
  Signature
  
  "The Golden Town is the Golden Town no longer. They have sold their pillars for brass and their temples for money, they have made coins out of their golden doors. It is become a dark town full of trouble, there is no ease in its streets, beauty has left it and the old songs are gone." - Lord Dunsany, The Messengers
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1059622].message }}

Daniel Scott

16 years ago

You are entitled to your opinion, of course... but just because it gets one thing right does not make it good.

The idea is fine, but the way it is written is terrible.

As much as you may think sales pages are being ignored... they are not. They still work better than anything else we have found... ESPECIALLY in this market.

I write letters the way I do because they work. Let someone with a zeal for testing and deep pockets who can afford to have projects bomb take risks... my clients would be pissed if I treated their letters like that.

I like the story angle.. but the letter is terrible.

That was, and has always been, my point.

-Dan

Originally Posted by nontemplates

I'm going to step up for the OP and say it most definitely is not. Its targeted marketing. The OP's market is not "get rich quick" or even wannabe "Internet Marketers" its "work at home" and a huge part of that market are either stay at home moms or moms that want to stay at home. The headline resonates. I do believe the copy needs a lot of work but the headline just needs a little refinement.

It needs work but why does it always need to be typical?

I know the conventional blaring headline (in bold in red or both) followed by long prose and story spiced with emotional triggers and urgent calls to the action is said to be tried and proven but theres a psychological reality thats being ignored in copy writing that is bound to change what is tried and proven -

Association

There are already a HUGE amount of people that associate the typical online sales page with scam artists, snake oil salesmen and empty get rich quick schemes. They've associated the standard pitch and angle with hundreds of horrible and empty offers from people who have no other goal but transfering money into their pockets. They see the format and they bounce out in a millisecond. The more people who get ripped the more the asociation will grow.

Frankly we are shielded from this because in the internet marketing world the association is different than the general public. Our "Heroes" use these techniques but for the mom (or stay at home dad) thats number one priority is her kids whose life is too full already to aspire to be a full flledged Internet Marketer it very often is seen as a noisy pitch with only one intent - bamboozling people out of their hard earned money.

Its rough but I think the OP may be on to something in her target market. Tweak it, get the pitch into one column and roll it out for a test. Can't hurt. It doesn't always have to be molded by the IM cookie cutter.

Thanks
1 reply

Signature

Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1061558].message }}

nontemplates

16 years ago

Originally Posted by Daniel Scott

You are entitled to your opinion, of course... but just because it gets one thing right does not make it good.

The idea is fine, but the way it is written is terrible.

Actually I have said as much several times. Your referred to the headline and thats the only point I was making - the headline is not that bad. Needs tweaking plus I am far from the only one that has said so.

As much as you may think sales pages are being ignored... they are not. They still work better than anything else we have found... ESPECIALLY in this market.

never said they were being ignored I said they do turn off some people (and more and more people whio get scammed will add to that list) and a diversion now and again isn't a bad thing. What? Copy writing is the only profession in the world that can't benefit from a little innovation? Not aiming this at you and don't think it applies to you at all but some people take the word "copy" in copy writing a bit too serious. Deviations are called for once in awhile.

I like the story angle.. but the letter is terrible.

That was, and has always been, my point.

And thats been mine as well. We disagree on the headline and that it has to be typical (maybe I misunderstood what you were referring to by typical). thats all.

Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1062171].message }}

nontemplates

16 years ago

Originally Posted by Onslaught

The copy really does not blow. The headline and layout blow. There is very
little room to debate the headline and layout as it is a proven uphill
battle.

Layout has been almost universally agreed on. No need to preach to the choir. Headline not so much. People don't like it because its different (at least not the majority of people who dont' see it as a train wreck) but because its in CDarklock words authentic and no one is saying it should be left as is.

So great some don't like it and now allegedly theres little room for debate. How about just skip all the authoritarian pronouncements and improve on it. Simple exercise. Might actually help the OP. Beat it -

They Cut My Hours and I Thought I Would Lose My House. Two and a Half Years Later My House is Paid for and I am Making More Than $200 Per Day.

I'll just be curious as to whether the authenticity will be wrung right out of it (No I don't think it has to be). I say that what it has going for it is that it resonates in a bad economy, it sticks to where a stay at Home mom lives and it shoots over the get rich quick
$8000 in three day trash. Nowhere half as bad as is being alleged.

Be different on your dime.

somebody's been hired? I thought this was her dime.

Thanks
2 replies

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1062525].message }}

CDarklock 16 years ago

Originally Posted by nontemplates

They Cut My Hours and I Thought I Would Lose My House.

I think that's the winning part of your headline. It's authentic, recognizable, and compelling. You want to know what happened. So you read. Adding the "but now" section closes the loop and you don't have to read anymore.
- Thanks
- 1 reply
Signature

"The Golden Town is the Golden Town no longer. They have sold their pillars for brass and their temples for money, they have made coins out of their golden doors. It is become a dark town full of trouble, there is no ease in its streets, beauty has left it and the old songs are gone." - Lord Dunsany, The Messengers
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1062541].message }}
- nontemplates 16 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by CDarklock
  
  I think that's the winning part of your headline. It's authentic, recognizable, and compelling. You want to know what happened. So you read..
  
  Thats what I think as well. I can't bother getting anymore into this nonsense about it being too big. thats a small thing. Peer it down. That does NOT mean the headline is bad. No one was suggesting to leave it as it is.
  
  If its so bad that its not even debateable then it should be simple to give the OP something better.
  
  Thanks
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1062576].message }}

nontemplates

16 years ago

Originally Posted by Onslaught

The "dime" is not about what the OP paid to get this ad going, it is the money that will not be made because of it.

.

Which is why she posted. The layout thing has been pounded in beyond the need to mention further. IF she wants to stay with it then it is her dime. Now onto the headline criticism. No one has suggested a better Headline.

Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1062596].message }}

Bill Jeffels

16 years ago

Originally Posted by nontemplates

Which is why she posted. The layout thing has been pounded in beyond the need to mention further. IF she wants to stay with it then it is her dime. Now onto the headline criticism. No one has suggested a better Headline.

O.k., let's see your Headline.

Instead of bitching about what other people have to say, try helping out.

-Bill

Thanks
2 replies

Signature

Bond Halbert's Badass Blog

" You Are One Sales Letter Away From Being Rich " --Gary Halbert

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1063014].message }}

CDarklock

16 years ago

Originally Posted by Bill Jeffels

O.k., let's see your Headline.

Instead of bitching about what other people have to say, try helping out.

In all fairness, he did:

"They Cut My Hours and I Thought I Would Lose My House. Two and a Half Years Later My House is Paid for and I am Making More Than $200 Per Day."

I like the first half, but think the second should just be dropped.

I do wish he'd stop arguing with people, though. A little respect goes a long way.

Thanks
2 replies

Signature

"The Golden Town is the Golden Town no longer. They have sold their pillars for brass and their temples for money, they have made coins out of their golden doors. It is become a dark town full of trouble, there is no ease in its streets, beauty has left it and the old songs are gone." - Lord Dunsany, The Messengers

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1063035].message }}

Bill Jeffels

16 years ago

Originally Posted by CDarklock

In all fairness, he did:

"They Cut My Hours and I Thought I Would Lose My House. Two and a Half Years Later My House is Paid for and I am Making More Than $200 Per Day."

I like the first half, but think the second should just be dropped.

I do wish he'd stop arguing with people, though. A little respect goes a long way.

CDarklock,

Good point.

With all the negative words fly'n didn't even notice.

We should all just get along and have a couple shot's of Captain Morgan's

.

Take care.

Bill Jeffels

Thanks

Signature

Bond Halbert's Badass Blog

" You Are One Sales Letter Away From Being Rich " --Gary Halbert

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1063066].message }}

nontemplates 16 years ago

Originally Posted by CDarklock

I do wish he'd stop arguing with people, though. A little respect goes a long way.

CDarlock no disrespect intended. I'm used to forums where people discuss things, disagree and bounce different ideas around not ones where there is some clique that determines who can and cannot post in a forum. My post number five shows the broad level of agreement I had and have particularly with you regarding the authenticty of the OP's headline. A lot of writing - any kind of writing - is subjective and I think its really a disservice to pretend that it isn't.

I've read some of your stuff and have enormous respect for your abilities. Regardless of what you think of me I see you as probably the best pure writer on this forum. Daniel is also very good. If I disagree on some point I really don't see how that translates into a lack of respect. A couple others are really good also and I'm learning a lot as I dust off the writing skills (extensive background in sales and writing and have had to write copy internally in the insurance company I worked for and also later sold and wrote copy for a product aimed particularly at stay at home moms ).

There IS however a great disparity in skill set in your online group and its evident even in the copy some use to promote themelves (from decent to downright dreadful). So I am not going to tell you I am just going to fall down and bow because someone has attached themselves to a group to gain some rep. I can think of at least one poster that needs to show respect for all forum members. Disagreeing with a point isn't disrespect except I suppose in some totalitarian system. If at any time in disagreeing with a point you find me disrespectful then please let me know. It is not intended.
- Thanks
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1063140].message }}

nontemplates

16 years ago

Originally Posted by Bill Jeffels

O.k., let's see your Headline.

Instead of bitching about what other people have to say, try helping out.

-Bill

I'm on record saying I think the headline the OP has is not bad. I'm hardly the only one. scroll up.

Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1063064].message }}

Bill Jeffels

16 years ago

Originally Posted by nontemplates

I'm on record saying I think the headline the OP has is not bad. I'm hardly the only one. scroll up.

Ya, I get your point. I still stand behind the bitching at people aspect.

-Bill

Thanks
1 reply

Signature

Bond Halbert's Badass Blog

" You Are One Sales Letter Away From Being Rich " --Gary Halbert

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1063082].message }}

MarkAndrews IMCopywriting 16 years ago

[DELETED]

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1063113].message }}
- nontemplates 16 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by WordPro
  
  As others have stated, just show a little bit more respect please rather than rubbing the copywriters here up the wrong way.
  
  Mark you have two posts in this thread that are entirely attacks on me merely for disagreeing about the headline (the ridiculous part of all of this is that that its the ONLY disagreement I have had with ANY copy writer). In the first you entirely misunderstood what was said (good reading is the foundation for any good writer) and tried to imply I was calling all copy writers scam artists and now you are just back for the same game.
  
  I've seen a bit of your work on your site and in that "coming in your pants" WSO. So we are equally unimpressed. So what? How in the world does that help the OP?
  
  All of this second "explosion" just because I ask if anyone can come up with a better headline. I am not the one proposing that it is dreadful. If it is shouldn't it be easy to get a better one? Wouldn't that be the most helpful thing to the OP instead of trying to mark your territory on a public forum?
  
  Rather than telling some of the best copywriters that their sales copy suggestions for improvement are completely out of sync,
  
  So much of a distortion as to be a complete lie. I have agreed with almost every Copy Writer here on everything save the headline and on the headline I haven't even been alone. Get out a dictionary or tell us the language you speak where that is construed as totally out of sync.
  
  Thanks
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1063215].message }}
  
  MarkAndrews IMCopywriting 16 years ago
  
  [DELETED]
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1063318].message }}
  
  nontemplates 16 years ago
  
  As I've said to you before, whatever
  
  No problem my 10 your old son has used the same word in much the same way with his friends. I'm down with it.
  
  Originally Posted by WordPro
  
  Now you're trying to bring in other copywriters websites and WSO's into the equation
  
  No. For clarity I can isolate that further. I was referring to yours. You are the only one launching one personal attack after another and whose headlines in particular don't hit the mark while making vociferous claims on who is and is not qualified to post in this forum. The only one listing a Copywriter website as a credential -not selling anything don't post here because I am . Show me one post where in disagreeing with any other writer here I was disrespectful.
  
  However, I am going to do what you can't and stay on the thread theme. At this point the OP has been told the headline is really bad does anyone have a better one or any directions as to what to specifically change?
  
  CDarklock,
  
  Good point.
  
  With all the negative words fly'n didn't even notice.
  
  Um guys...... I wish you had at least looked at it before jumping besides Mark with all his disrepect nonsense even if he is your friend etc. Its been all about the OP's headline the last several posts and that I thought it wasn't half bad and some thought it was terrible. Now you think that that is mine?
  
  THATS THE OP's COPY! The one that CDarklock admits is not that bad and having read it again thinking its mine still thinks so (honest chap). So apparently its not Nontemplates against all regulars here after all Marks Survivor based alliance technique not withstanding there can be a disagreement on it.
  
  Much ado about nada.
  
  Thanks
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1063442].message }}

nontemplates

16 years ago

Originally Posted by Bill Jeffels

Ya, I get your point. I still stand behind the bitching at people aspect.

-Bill

Bitching where???? Outside of taking a little exception to Onslaught claim that any debate/ difference of opinion was stupid please point it out to me. I don't think anyone can. Looks like a classic case of just trying to close rank.

edit -If it were not so some evidence would be presented.

Thanks
2 replies

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1063472].message }}

Bill Jeffels

16 years ago

Originally Posted by nontemplates

Bitching where???? Outside of taking a little exception to Onslaught claim that any debate/ difference of opinion was stupid please point it out to me. I don't think anyone can. Looks like a classic case of just trying to close rank.

Listen,

Your paranoid.

This whole situation has become very tiresome and boring.

I'm going to leave this thread now and get back to more positive things. The reason that I joined the forum was to have fun... help people... and meet some new people.

There are alot of great people on this forum and I'm going to choose to take a more positive vibe.

- Bill

Thanks

Signature

Bond Halbert's Badass Blog

" You Are One Sales Letter Away From Being Rich " --Gary Halbert

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1063491].message }}

MarkAndrews IMCopywriting 16 years ago

[DELETED]

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1063500].message }}
- Bill Jeffels 16 years ago
  
  Hey Mark,
  
  Yes, that's great news about the Insurance company asking you to write some copy for them. Smart people .
  
  You have a great week as well!.
  
  All the best.
  
  Bill
  
  Thanks
  
  Signature
  
  Bond Halbert's Badass Blog
  " You Are One Sales Letter Away From Being Rich " --Gary Halbert
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1063524].message }}

nontemplates 16 years ago

Onslaught you claimed a discussion was stupid and I referenced it. thats it. No apologies . No regrets. There are three of you - all friends - in just about every thread I am in baiting. please move on.

P.S. I do not accept on a public board any "hierarchy clicks" (I take it you mean cliques?). Outside of mods and admins. I've laid out some of my background in several threads both in sales and in writing. I see only where you reference a history in window washing and "devouring marketing material" but it doesn't matter. Internet forums are about the exchange of ideas and the strength of those ideas should stand on their own. Everything else can be fudged, exaggerated and downright lied about [especially on a board where work is being solicited).
- Thanks
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1073521].message }}

ramohr

16 years ago

As Jay Abraham and Gary Halbet used to tell me as well as the copywriting Greats
Claude Hopkins...Test it out and see what your customers think.

I have a suggestion you ad in subheads to make the reading a little easier on the eyes.
use the same newspaper format. I also see people promoting the google work at home
program using a similar format...It doesn't look like a salesletter. And you get more
readership.

You have a good story to tell and great testimonials...keep testing to get the answer.

Your customers will let you know if they like it or not. Test it against a another format
and see what works best.

Thanks

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1059663].message }}

nontemplates

16 years ago

Muchas Gracias CDarklock. I think Wordpro is still smarting from another exchange on another thread we had. I wasn't saying anything about any copy writer here (unless the shoe fits and after such an agressive response I am now wondering). I was merely pointing out that the typical style HAS been used by and will continue to be used by people who have no other motive but picking people's wallet. The more that happens the more the association will increase and a divergence from it every now and again isn't necessarily a bad thing.

Wordpro - As for evidence that the "typical" layout is used by hundreds of scam artists. Are you serious? I wouldn't even waste my time presenting such evidence. You ought to know that on your own.

Thanks

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1059682].message }}

MarkAndrews IMCopywriting

16 years ago

[DELETED]

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1059863].message }}

nontemplates

16 years ago

Originally Posted by WordPro

Personally, all such silliness, accusations of aggressiveness etc - I just think that the perpetrators of that kind of argument augmentation, is a right load of codswallop, but there you go, horses for courses as they say. :rolleyes:

Of course, not even the hint of any agressiveness on your part

but hey if you need evidence that IM has its share of scammers etc that use typical sales layouts then go look. Not my job to educate the blind. I doubt that anyone will join you in questioning the obvious.

Theres one way to find out whose foot you have stepped on in a crowded room. Its usually the one that says ouch. Those that didn't have their foot there are quite quiet. If I did step on your foot theres no apology.

Thanks

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1059949].message }}

MarkAndrews IMCopywriting 16 years ago

[DELETED]

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1059964].message }}
- CDarklock 16 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by Onslaught
  
  He likes to provoke people into making his
  nuts into marmalade.
  
  I about hopped a plane two or three times....
  
  I'm not having tea round your place.
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
  Signature
  
  "The Golden Town is the Golden Town no longer. They have sold their pillars for brass and their temples for money, they have made coins out of their golden doors. It is become a dark town full of trouble, there is no ease in its streets, beauty has left it and the old songs are gone." - Lord Dunsany, The Messengers
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1060231].message }}
  
  nontemplates 16 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by CDarklock
  
  I'm not having tea round your place.
  
  Tea is not the problem. I'm not having any form of jam or fruit preserves from that man.
  
  Thanks
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1060256].message }}

dynameek

16 years ago

Originally Posted by secretssovaluable

I would love to hear what anyone thinks of this sales page. It is a different format than you are normally used to seeing online.

I don't have enough posts to post the link, but the site is:

myworkathomesolution.com

Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated?

For me, I think it's a clever move away from the usual sales page we all know. It's cool with the ease of navigation cos not everyone wants to read testimonials or all those other stuff.

Thanks

Signature

Cheap Article Writing Service - Get 5 High Quality 350 words Articles For $23.00
Stop Dogs Barking - Got a troublesome dog? Get info on how to train it easily!

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1061594].message }}

aceshigh

16 years ago

It's very original and authentic sounding, which I think makes it stand out from the ENDLESS run of the mill ad copy you see on every freakin sales page site. Which I'm totally guilty of. ha ha... I like it.

Thanks

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1063077].message }}

secretssovaluable

16 years ago

Again, thank you all for your suggestions. I am going to split test. If you are curious...here is the updated version based on suggestions here:

myworkathomesolution.com/myworkathomesolution/

Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1072888].message }}

nontemplates

16 years ago

Originally Posted by secretssovaluable

Again, thank you all for your suggestions. I am going to split test. If you are curious...here is the updated version based on suggestions here:

myworkathomesolution.com/myworkathomesolution/

Good Job! You've certainly solved most of the layout issues. Great idea to do the split testing if you can. Practical beats theory every time. You will learn so much more.

Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1073582].message }}

Collette 16 years ago

Susan - MUCH better, easier to read layout.

Suggestions:

- Change your font to something sans serif, such as Arial or Verdana.

Serif fonts (the ones with little hooks, such as Times Roman or Chicago), slow down reading speed online. You want your readers to read quickly, as they would devour a good book.

- Center your sub-heads and bump up the font size a tad. Make your initial caps consistent (some of your sub-heads use initial caps and some don't. Makes it difficult to skim effectively).

- Check for typos. I caught a few. Not major, but would be nice .

- Use a Johnson Box for your guarantee, and a recognizable "Buy Now" type button for your payment clickthru. Make it easy for your readers to take action. They're used to seeing a certain 'format' when they buy online. Don't make them have to 'interpret' a new format (see "slows down" above).

- Start Selling!
- Thanks
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1074555].message }}

Oh my god...this copy blows

Trending Topics

How to add Backlink ? I am under thread of losing the job

Just Chilling and Chatting. What's Everyone Up To?

Need quick answers

Is Off-page SEO become hard as Ai Energizes

Are farmers insider or outsider?