Would Like a Critique of First Draft Sales Letter

7 replies
I am trying hard to leverage my experience as a writer into a more lucrative career. Therefore, I have created what I hope is a promising first draft sales page.

Please bear in mind as you rip me, er it apart, that I haven't set it up to sell anything yet, so there are no "buy now" buttons or contact info of any kind. I wrote and formatted it in Word which is less than ideal, so if you have advice as to a platform, I would appreciate that as well.

Mostly what I want to know is if I am on the right track.

I appreciate any criticism or advice.

Thanks,

Rob

------------------------------------
Tired of substandard copy?
Brand new copywriter offers a deal you can't pass up!

Hello, my name is Rob Boyd, and I am a copywriter.
You are someone who needs five star copy right now,
written by a professional writer.

I can write that for you!

Do some of these concerns look familiar?


· Your content is flat, you want a more interesting website,
and you don't want to write the content yourself.

· You think that your site should be ranked higher,
but somehow it stays on the back pages of the internet.

· You want the best copy for your site, but you
don't want to wait for weeks to get it.

· You're tired of buying keyword stuffed nonsense
from content mills written by non-native English speakers.

· You don't have time to rewrite existing content so it matches your niche.

· Copywriters you have hired in the past gave you the
copy THEY wanted, not the copy YOU paid for.

· You need a copywriter who will communicate with you
at every stage to make sure the copy you get is the copy you want.

I have good news!
I am that responsive writer who takes your site or business to the next level.
You won't get $5/500 word articles from me. Frankly, if
that's what you need, you don't need me. What you will get is well-researched,
careful, grammatically correct American English copy.
And because I am just moving my writing business into this area, you will get it for less than you think.

Experienced web writer, new to copywriting

I have a degree in English, and I have spent my time banging out copy for pennies per word.
Now it's time for me to move into real copywriting, and you benefit from my inexperience. I know how to write
for your specific requirements, and I know how to research and interview.
From me you'll always get pertinent, factual, informative content.

Special Deal!

Effective copy costs a lot; the top copywriters charge thousands of
dollars for their work, and it's worth every penny.
Since I'm building my portfolio, you have a unique opportunity
to get high quality copy for startup prices.
It's only for a limited time, but it's a great deal if you act now.

Here's what I can create for you:

· Well researched articles optimized for your keywords
with Latent Semantic Optimization (LSO.)

· Copy to your specifications, including sales pages, press releases and more.

· Fast turnaround: most orders can be delivered in 3 business days or less.

· Up to 3 rewrites included in the price

· Volume discount: Order 10 articles or more and get an incredible discount.

· Satisfaction guaranteed. If you don't like what I create for you after three edits,
I'll give you your money back, and I keep the copyright on the product.


ACT NOW!!!
This offer is only open for the first 100 articles. After those have sold, the price will go up substantially.
Buy your quality copy today from a professional and take advantage of my new career.

Rob Boyd

P.S. Act within the next two days and I'll write one free article for every 3 you purchase.

P.P.S. Once folks see this letter, I'm sure I'll be able to
charge much more for my work, so hurry for ground floor pricing.

P.P.P.S. You won't believe the quality you'll get,
and satisfaction is guaranteed, so what are you waiting for?
#critique #draft #letter #sales
  • Profile picture of the author RickCopy
    You are someone who needs five star copy right now
    and WHY is that?
    Your content is flat
    are you a copywriter or content writer?
    You think that your site should be ranked higher,
    but somehow it stays on the back pages of the internet.
    This is promoting SEO... most copywriters dont care about SEO. Its not our job to get traffic... its our job to convert traffic.

    You want the best copy for your site, but you
    don’t want to wait for weeks to get it.
    interviewing the client takes a while, researching takes a while, outlining takes a while... 2 weeks is a pretty fast TAT for real copy.

    You’re tired of buying keyword stuffed nonsense
    from content mills written by non-native English speakers.
    content writer does not = copywriter


    In a nutshell....

    Stop calling it copywriting.... you're selling expensive article writing. The people you're wanting to market to know the difference and you're going to look silly by not knowing the difference.
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    • Profile picture of the author RobWriter
      Rick,

      Thanks, I wondered about that. I was thinking that I would try to conflate the two so it looked like I was able to do both kinds of writing, since my experience is in content writing, but I want to do copywriting.

      The issue I have is that I don't have any samples or testimonials, yet, so I feel like the letter will be a bit thin.

      Thanks for the time, I really appreciate the advice.

      --Rob
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      • Profile picture of the author RickCopy
        Originally Posted by RobWriter View Post

        Rick,

        Thanks, I wondered about that. I was thinking that I would try to conflate the two so it looked like I was able to do both kinds of writing, since my experience is in content writing, but I want to do copywriting.

        The issue I have is that I don't have any samples or testimonials, yet, so I feel like the letter will be a bit thin.

        Thanks for the time, I really appreciate the advice.

        --Rob
        Not a problem Rob, im in the exact same boat. Ive been doing mostly content stuff for 4 years and im just now getting into copy. What ive gathered so far is that im pretty much starting from scratch. I mean I think writing content gave me a little bit of a head start compared to someone brand new to professional writing in general but really Im throwing out all the mantras ive learned about writing content. The two processes are so different. My suggestion is just ditch writing content altogether and dive head first into strictly copy...that's where the money is at. Also, writing copy is just so much more rewarding than writing content.

        What im really focusing on right now is getting testimonials. Im approaching people that have IM products or small-timers in affiiliate marketing and just writing copy for them... for free if I have to. Its a win/win...even if my copy bombs they're not out any money and its a learning experience for me. If I make them some money they're going to come to me the next time they want copy and I can use that success to help get me new clients.

        Copy itself is all about proof. Proof is the easiest way to close any deal for any product in the world. If I can PROVE that I can make people money then I really dont have to do much "selling" to get clients. I think the #1 concern for anyone hiring a copywriter is whether they will REALLY get a return on their investment. If I can attack that objection right out the gate then getting work should be easy.

        GL
        Rick
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  • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
    Hi Rob,

    It reads like a pitch for a content writer not a direct response copywriter.

    Don't go for two markets (copy and content) with one sales letter. If you want to sell yourself as a copywriter focus just on that.

    And don't center all your body copy.

    [EDIT] Rick beat me to it...
    Signature

    Andrew Gould

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    • Profile picture of the author RobWriter
      Thanks Andrew,

      Yeah, as I re read that it looks kinda all over the place, so I will re-tool and make it all about copywriting. I know the terminology of content writing, but not really of direct response copywriting. I'm brand new, so I will go and read more sales letters and work on mine.

      As far as samples go, I read somewhere on here that a beginner should make a sales page for themselves and let that be the sample for prospective clients. I think I will do that.

      ---Rob
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  • Profile picture of the author sabinavarga
    Hi Rob,

    I'd avoid using words like "substandard" (what's the standard, anyway?) or "brand new" (sounds more like a product not a person).

    I'm not sure you need to say you have a degree in English. Your English shows in the sales pitch and it's not enough anyway for writing good copy.

    But before anything, as Rick and Andrew already said, you need to decide what you're offering and who you're offering it to.

    Check out this thread for great resources to get you started. For web copy, I'd recommend starting with Maria Veloso's "Web Copy That Sells". Top Copywriting Books... Ever
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    • Profile picture of the author RickCopy
      Originally Posted by sabinavarga View Post

      Check out this thread for great resources to get you started. For web copy, I'd recommend starting with Maria Veloso's "Web Copy That Sells". Top Copywriting Books... Ever
      thanks....Just picked it up for next to nothing on amazon.
      .
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