Another stupid newbie asking for a critique

For some reason I was compelled to take a look. Maybe it was your headline. Then I got to the second paragraph and stopped in my tracks:

I’m actually not too great at what I do. I’m in college. You might remember being in college. You may remember doing the academic grind which destroys your soul, your health and general outlook on life.

Now you've become toxic waste in my eyes. This shows a total lack of self esteem. Believe it or not some people don't feel learning to be an academic grind which destroys your soul, health and general outlook. And unless you're targeting people you know have been to college you're likely to find that many haven't. But that's more a side note.

The title of this thread is: Another stupid newbie...

Ugh. There's that self esteem thing again. It appears you have some talent. Don't go around publicly (or personally) beating yourself up. It smells funny and that odor repels clients. Good luck.

Well, your copy is not great, it stutters, stammers and rambles. It's "me" orientated, but totally lacks any confidence and credibility* and it takes ages to get to the point.

You don't have to tell a story for the sake of it - if you do, and it's not exactly riveting (most aren't) just make it short and snappy.

Now the good news...

The offer is much more important than the copy.

And your offer is really good.

In fact it's far too good.

"Free copy for a testimonial"

I've been in the wonderful world of copywriting for 28 years and have a library of testimonials. But I never use them. Because people could then find the clients copy and "steal" it. And I never give out samples. All my work is (c) for the clients with full NDA's.

Again it stops the clients copy from being swiped.

As far as I know nobody hasn't hired me because I can't give them a testimonial - they are just not that necessary.

If anybody asks for samples - I say "It's not important how spectacular my copy is for that client - what is important is how spectacular it will be for you"

Now - why not do one of 2 things.

Charge a decent fee - you can always offer re - writes or a money back guarantee if your copy bombs.

Or...

Write for free in exchange for a testimonial and a payment on results.

There's a chance you'll be ripped off by some unscrupulous clients when your copy works - but there's also a good possibility you will get paid.

Hope this helps,

Steve


P.S. * You may have read that a "damaging admission" is an excellent copy technique. But saying "I’m actually not too great at what I do" is pushing it a bit too far (lol).

Just practise, study, and practise a bit more and you'll get good.

Also remember even if your copy is free and isn't great, your poor client still has printing, distribution or other costs to find this out.

So build up your confidence and write good, then better then great stuff.

If this is too tough or time consuming to do on your own - try and get a mentor to help you - it'll make everything a lot faster.

Wow! Boring, insulting, self-deprecating, confessional... I hate it.

So bad as to not be worthy of a critique. If you "advertise your services" as a copywriter, you will be doing a disservice to anyone foolish enough to hire you.

Keep reading books about copy, persuasion and psychology of buying. And write a LOT more.

I remember when another young copywriter started posting here and I was FAR from blown away by his skills.

Some kid in Michican.

He put himself out there and got absolutely reamed!

Fast forward about a year...

And he has developed the skills to compete with A-list copywriters.

I sense you have passion.

But your writing sucks.

Worse than that...

You don't seem to have any sense of connection with emotion...

...nor the ability to lead prospects from A - Z (i.e. problem to solution.)

That being said...

I think you CAN get there.

Heed Bruce's advice and read, read, read.

Then go online, find yourself some failing copy on Clickbank, rewrite it... and approach the business owner with your rendition.

But do not try to help people yet.

Free copy is usually the most costly.

Mark

Self deprecation is never the best way to go, it takes a very targeted niche and the right writing skills and email list to be able to pull it off, and even then, it still wouldn't be a great idea.

Your a good writer and channel that negative emotion.

My suggestions, would be

- You need a better headline. I literally click on your link scrolled down, up, and was about to click back when I had to remind myself I here to critique and actually read this article


- identify the customer's problem, and provide a solution. Not all your customer's went to college and some actually found college worthwhile, but many can relate.

I think if you channel a lot of that negative emotion you have into describeing your customer's problem it might work better.

The first pitch that comes to mind is:

Remember when you thought of the perfect internet marketing idea and you told all your friends about. They said "awesome", so you preceded and created a website. Once the website was up you got a bunch of hits, so you said to yourself awesome, im going to go ahead and create a product. Then comes launch day and you release your product and wait. No sales, first week, tell yourself just wait. No sales, second week, is it the product? no sales third, is is me am i stupid? (insert self-loathing story here)

Then you learned the importance of copywrite, and changed one word. And they one word increase sales, one word, wtf, one word, wtf, blah blah.


Thats the idea im thinking of, (which is a true story of mine, where a headline change increased my sales)

Of course come of as a copywrite expert and use it in your own words.

You know, Stephen King believes all bad writing is born out of fear and insecurity. It's true, and people pick up on that quick. I have no idea if you're a confident and decisive person or not, so don't take this wrong...but your copywriting oozes insecurity.

Copywriting is more about selling than writing and confidence is a HUGE part of selling. You don't want to be cocky, but if you're going to err on the side of either cockiness or insecurity, cocky is better.

The letter is also way to "me" focused. I suggest rewriting it and taking out the word's "I" or "me" as much as possible. Replace them with them word "you," this will force you to write a more "you" focused message. Take out the self-deprecation too, and talk more about the facts.

Personally, I think this is your strongest section:

"That’s where I come in. I’ve spent the past 4 years studying what motivates people to buy things.
I’ve had a commission’s only sales job.
I’ve taken part in a competition which involved thinking on my feet within 3 hours on how to make as much profit as possible from £20. I made £150.
I’ve studied letters and books by the greats. The legends of copywriting. The men who never feared on how to make money because they knew the secret.
The secret. If you know how to sell via the written word, you will never lack for a means of making money."

Why?

Because there's an ocean of difference between writing well and writing to sell. It's pretty darn easy to write copy that looks and reads great but doesn't sell jack. Customers aren't always able to tell the difference either, and many of them hire "good" writers who still can't sell jack ****.

That's your angle ^ my friend, and I suggest you drill that from the start, talk about what it will do for your customer and leave out that stuff about what's in it for you.

Good luck, and kudos for asking for feedback.

Your letter sucks. Back to school.

You know what...

If you keeping writing copy in the way you've just done - making it entertaining and great to read.

And develop other styles that blend perfectly with each new gig.

You've got a brilliant chance of becoming a well paid copywriter.

Yes, it'll take some time. But keep at it, roll with the punches and you'll get there.


Steve


P.S. All of us appreciated the thanks