Anyone read for fun? I've got a favor to ask

Hey guys, several of you already know that I write fiction on the side.

I've finished another novel, and I'm ready to send it out to agents and editors.

Could I get your feedback on my query letter? I thought it'd be helpful to have my fellow copywriters help me grab their attention, and get them to request the manuscript.

Even if you don't know a thing about the sci-fi/fantasy publishing industry, I'd still love to hear how well the query hooks you and makes you want to read the novel.

Here it is:

Dear ____,

I’m submitting my fantasy novel Boom (110,000 words) for consideration. [Personalized line about why I chose to submit to them.]

Life under a false identity is great. No one knows you exist, so no one can bother you (except for that girlfriend you love but are afraid to commit to). And those mysterious booms that echo throughout Washington D.C.? Or the spike in the missing persons rate? Someone else’s problem.

That’s how Everard Harrison feels, anyways. At least, until he’s attacked by someone called “the Perforated Woman,” who leaves behind a wanted poster featuring Everard’s face. To protect his anonymity, he sets out to find whoever’s after him. He stumbles into the Periphery – the unsettling, hidden corners of the city, populated by bizarre embodiments of U.S. culture. Everard discovers a rare supernatural ability that’s weakened by others having authority over him – now if he could only figure out what that means.

What’s worse, he learns that both the mysterious booms and the disappearances are part of a deadly plot involving magic, monsters, and machines. If Everard is going to save the city – and his independent way of life – he’ll have to find the proper balance of independence and depending on authority. Along the way, he’ll confront monster hunters and their prey, corporeal Facebook comments, reskinned men, permanent tourists, a Founding-Father-worshipping cult, and political lobbyists for an Elder God.

In my professional life, I’m one of the top direct response copywriters in my industry; I use storytelling techniques in sales letters to regularly help my clients make 7 figures. I’m also an MFA candidate at Brigham Young University, where I’ve taught undergraduate creative writing, and heavily workshopped Boom.

(Between my university studies and workshops I’ve attended, I’ve received feedback on Boom from Brandon Sanderson, Ann Leckie, David L. Robbins, Mary Robinette Kowal, Daniel Jose Older, Jennifer Letwack from St. Martin’s Press, and Gillian Redfearn from Gollancz; as well as from my brilliant MFA cohort and professors.)

I’ve tried to write an American Neverwhere with the aggressive voice and pacing of Sandman Slim or Half-Resurrection Blues, and the unsettling, New Weird milieu and politics of China Mieville’s work. Think Kraken, if Mieville were from D.C. and were an anarchist instead of a Marxist. And had ADHD.

If you’d like to see a partial or full version of the novel, I can send either to your inbox or physical mailbox.

Thanks for your time.

Benjamin Scott Farthing
[Contact info here]