testing

7 years ago

The pre-headline of your sales letter said that you discovered how one can really heal, and get his life back.

Then the main headline talked about a finding you made on how healing and self help can deceive someone and fail to produce results.

I know what you are trying to say...

that you discovered how healing and self can solve your prospects' problems

and you also discovered that theres a way one can approach these things and he wont get any results.

But the message could be perceived in a different way by your prospects. It is possible for some people to think your main headline said healing and self help don't workand thats contradicting the pre-headline that got their attention.

These people may not read beyond that main headline. Remember...you have ONE chance to grab prospects' attentions...8 seconds...and they are gone FOREVER.

Secondly, someone who has tried healing and self help before without positive results may relate understand your message and read further to find out why he didn't get results.

But what of people who don't know much about healing and self help and haven't tried them before? And what about people who arent good in English? What meaning will some of them read into the headline?

"Self help and healing don't produce results. Let me read further and find out another thing this man is offering that will solve my problems." That's what will come to some peoples minds after reading that headline. But when the read down the page, they will discover that you're still preaching what (they thought) your headline condemned.

If I were you, I would rewrite that headline so that even someone who isnt any good at English can understand what I mean at first glance.

Theodosios...this is just my opinion.

Thanks

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Andrew Gould

7 years ago

Looking at your headline above the horizontal red line, what stands out is the lack of focus.

Each element is talking about something else: You start with a personal story, jump to the failure of self-help, and finish with the problems of modern life.

You want to pick one, stick with it throughout your headline, and make it the main focus of the rest of your copy.

(And the sentence directly below the red line is a mouthful and could do with a re-write to make it clearer.)

Thanks

Signature

Andrew Gould

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Theodosios

7 years ago

Thanks to you both for that great feedback.
You are so right about the contradictions, rambling, and lack of focus. Isn't it funny, that's the exact feedback I often hear about my speech in general!

I've re-written the entire top part to only focus on that core theme.
Can you please take a quick look and let me know hat you think?

www.masteryourhealing.com

Thanks,

Theo

Thanks

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Princess Balestra

7 years ago

Problem I got is you smack me in the chops too many times right at the start.

You got two big headlines, another grayed-out word-lure hit sittin' up top, then two kinda sub-punchers an' sum italics before ya Dear Friend me — all sittin' alongside sum vid link an' a coupla green buttons askin' me to go swank off sumplace else.

I am not a frickin' octopus, OK?

So take alla this schwango...

“After nearly losing all hope, I finally discovered…how you can really heal, and get your life back.“

IMPORTANT FINDINGS REVEALED: HOW I DISCOVERED THE 3 MAIN REASONS WHY MOST HEALING AND SELF-HELP FAILS TO GET YOU LASTING RESULTS.

AND HOW BY MAKING JUST A FEW CHANGES,
YOU CAN DRAMATICALLY REDUCE YOUR SUFFERING…
AND EXPERIENCE THE INCREDIBLE JOY, FULFILLMENT,
AND DEEP CONNECTIONS YOU TRULY DESERVE.
Order Now
Free Weekly Report!
Having extraordinary healing in your life is very real! But only by eliminating self-delusions and suffering created by a lifetime of bad programming
…by re-training your everyday life patterns and reactions.

Now discover how by using simple, daily integration exercises, my risk-free 12-week Master Your Healing program puts you back in control of your life
…for less than the cost of a therapy session!

“The Master Your Healing program is a treasure trove and resource for anyone who wishes to pursue a personal path of transformation.” – Chok C. Hiew, Ph.D., Professor of Psychology, Author, Founder of Wisdom Heart Qigong

... an' suck out ONE HEADLINE.

Lose the distractin' vid & green links, an' I no longer gotta perform no tentacular spectacular.

I can now drop sweet into DEAR FRIEND — if only you would quit tryin' to DP me by throwin' in a lengthy BIO 'longside what I guess is the main action.

Tellya, I ain't read the words cos I figureya got plot issues.

There is no narrative here, it is kinda like sum multi-choice.

Direct me!

Lead me 1 - 2 - 3 whereya want me!

Offer me no option other than START HERE - THEN GO HERE - THEN DO THIS.

Thanks
3 replies

Signature

Lightin' fuses is for blowin' stuff togethah.

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Theodosios 7 years ago

Thanks, this is great advice!
Ok, I made some changes, removed all that stuff.

Can you check now and let me know?

www.masteryourhealing.com

Questions:
- Doesn't having an intro vid at the top help conversions or trust?
- Should I include the Sign Up for Free Report somewhere? Even at the bottom? As it stand now, users can't sign up for free stuff before buying. Isn't that a big non-no?
- What do you think of the p.s. text at the bottom?

Thanks,

Theo
- Thanks
- 1 reply
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- Theodosios 7 years ago
  
  Sorry, I totally screwed this up and deleted a whole bunch of stuff by accident.
  
  I have to put the site in maintenance mode until I can get this fixed.
  
  Will be back in touch then,
  
  Thanks,
  
  Theo
  
  Thanks
  
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Theodosios 7 years ago

Damn, I screwed this up, deleted a bunch of stuff and have to completely re-write!

Site will be in maintenance mode, will get back to you soon.

Theo
- Thanks
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Theodosios 7 years ago

Ok, I've made the changes, and site is back up.

Can you check now and let me know?

www.masteryourhealing.com

Thanks,

Theo
- Thanks
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Woomeister

7 years ago

You should get yourself a landing page to capture email if your site is live and instead of showing that maintenance screen.

Thanks
1 reply

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Theodosios 7 years ago

Good idea for future "incidents."

Thankfully, it's brand new and hopefully no one has noticed.

It's back up now.

Thanks,
Theo
- Thanks
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Woomeister

7 years ago

I'm afraid it's a bit of a mess on the eyes for me. Hard to follow due to no onsite optimisation - formatting. The Capitalisation would cause me to bounce straight away before I read on anyway.

Sorry to be so negative. I would suggest getting your main message in an H1 use the same font, Avenir would probably suit then structure your content so it reads well. Then we could critique the actual content itself.

[ 1 ] Thanks

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Woomeister

7 years ago

You just changed it again! Centring it is better and now it appears better formatted. :-)

Thanks

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Woomeister

7 years ago

"puts you back in control of your life"

This is a 'yeah, yeah' comment and puts people off. It's also saying that you are targeting people who have lost control of their lives, is this correct?

Thanks
2 replies

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Theodosios 7 years ago

Well, not in that sense, but I'm not sure how to word it. Agreed, it does sound cheesy.

The premise behind the healing program is that over our lifetime, our conditioning becomes so powerful, it almost literally controls many of our judgments, reactions, assumptions, etc.

The program works by approaching mindfully and re-conditioning all that, so that we are able to make more mindful choices and reactions, free of our buried "stuff."

So I'm trying to figure out how to word that.
- Thanks
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Theodosios 7 years ago

Ok, I changed that sentence, does that look better?
- Thanks
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DWolfe

7 years ago

From the very first post to look at your site to now. It looks better, But here is a issue this text here.

" IMPORTANT NEW DISCOVERY: THE 3 MAIN REASONS MOST HEALING AND SELF-HELP PROGRAMS FAIL TO BRING YOU LASTING RESULTS.
AND HOW BY MAKING JUST A FEW SMALL CHANGES,
YOU CAN DRAMATICALLY INCREASE THE JOY, FULFILLMENT,
AND DEEP CONNECTIONS YOU TRULY DESERVE. "

This is way to long and looses the readers, most will back off your site with this. Just to much information for a reader to grasp. You have made some positive changes in the right direction. Keep up the good work !

Thanks
1 reply

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Theodosios 7 years ago

Thanks, this is great stuff, so appreciate all the feedback. I just changed it to this:

THE 3 REASONS MOST HEALING AND SELF-HELP SYSTEMS FAIL.

...AND HOW MAKING A FEW CHANGES
DRAMATICALLY INCREASES YOUR JOY, FULFILLMENT,
AND DEEP CONNECTIONS.

Is that better?

Theo
- Thanks
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Woomeister

7 years ago

The improvements you have made are getting you on the right track. Well done for embracing the advice people have given you, it will pay off.

I would say you are 'getting there' now, I wouldn't say it was the finished article quite yet.

Thanks
1 reply

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Theodosios 7 years ago

Thanks, so far I have this:

THE 3 REASONS MOST HEALING AND SELF-HELP SYSTEMS FAIL.
...AND HOW MAKING A FEW CHANGES
DRAMATICALLY INCREASES YOUR JOY, FULFILLMENT,
AND DEEP CONNECTIONS WITH OTHERS.

Followed by this...

Using proven, simple exercises, my 12-week Master Your Healing program eliminates your destructive reactions and behaviors.
So you can live with incredible joy, inner peace, and compassion towards others.
--------

It's tough, because when I remove things, I fell like there's so much about what I'm offering that I'm eliminating for my site visitors.

But I guess that's the great balancing act
- Thanks
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Woomeister

7 years ago

May I ask what route to your site an intender user would? I ask as it seems a little cold and abrupt to start the way it does with a numeric value.

Do you presuppose the customer know the 3 things? If not maybe use a tease title.

DO YOU KNOW THE 3 REASONS WHY MOST HEALING AND SELF-HELP SYSTEMS FAIL?
…OR HOW MAKING A FEW CHANGES
CAN DRAMATICALLY INCREASES YOUR JOY, FULFILLMENT,
AND DEEP CONNECTIONS WITH OTHERS?

This sort of opening grabs the attention and leads you down the page.

Thanks
1 reply

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Theodosios

7 years ago

Not sure what you mean by this?
"May I ask what route to your site an intender user would?"

For, the plan is maybe some adwords and a weekly podcast on youtube for starters. I'm new to marketing, it's a work in progress.

Further down the page I do explain some of the 3 reasons. But it's nothing a user would know ahead of time.

Great headline, I like that. I changed it!

I also changed the pre-headline at the top to this, which leads into that new question headline:

"Theodosios Damatos - healing practitioner, teacher and author, now reveals amazing discoveries..."

Thanks!

Thanks
2 replies

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Theodosios 7 years ago

Ok everyone, I've made a lot changes to the site.

In addition to all the headings, I've (hopefully) made the long copy flow better, and deleted a bunch of text.

Can you take a look now and let me know what you think?

Thanks,

Theo
- Thanks
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Woomeister

7 years ago

Originally Posted by Theodosios

Not sure what you mean by this?
"May I ask what route to your site an intender user would?"

For, the plan is maybe some adwords and a weekly podcast on youtube for starters. I'm new to marketing, it's a work in progress.

Further down the page I do explain some of the 3 reasons. But it's nothing a user would know ahead of time.

Great headline, I like that. I changed it!

I also changed the pre-headline at the top to this, which leads into that new question headline:

"Theodosios Damatos - healing practitioner, teacher and author, now reveals amazing discoveries..."

Thanks!

The way in which you envisage your site visitors arriving is relevant to your above the fold copy. If your traffic is ppc then your above fold has to follow on from your Ad copy to avoid bounce and assure the visitor they've arrived where they wanted. So if you are selling something that somebody has searched for it should be visible when you land on your site.

So let's say you have an adwords campaign and you make a big play for the 12-week healing plan.

12 week healing plan | Live Life To The Full Again
etc
etc

Currently your site would confuse me upon landing as I'm being told the 3 reasons why healing plans don't work...or am I? So you need to optimise your site the right way to avoid confusion and high bounce rate.

What would a customer be searching for to come to your site?

I've just scanned the rest and it's overwhelming I'm afraid, so I won't even begin to try and critique it other than to say its too text heavy, it needs formatting. You shouldn't embolden random singular words that when scanned mean nothing. Google places a slight degree of importance on emboldened words and currently the googlebot won't have a clue whats going on.

You need a video at the top explaining the whole thing in around 2 minutes in my opinion

Thanks

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DavidGWelch

7 years ago

I think the main problem of your website is not the copy writing (although I agree with many of the observations other users has made regarding that), the main problem is the design, the web looks to charged, is a mess, it has an over abundance of text and so little image, is not attractive.

The key of copy writing is not to write as much as possible and hope that the users will read everything, they key is to use as little words as possible to tell the message. A tweet has 140 characters, you cant expect that people used to that kind of content will read so much text.

Thanks

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winbig007

7 years ago

hi,

here are a few observations for you:

first - the top line: “Theodosios Damatos – healing practitioner, teacher and author, now reveals amazing discoveries…“ - doesn't stand out - I had to really think about going back and reading it. Drop it, or make it stand out more.

Your two headlines are "ok" but aren't compelling enough. You are mixing two messages - "healing and self-help" - Get clear on your market, drill down your niche and go after them. You are trying to appeal to too many people.

Your sub sub head is a bit of a mouth full. ... can you say this:
My simple 12-week Master Healing program eliminates your destructive reactions and behaviors to ??? – guaranteed!

Lastly, for now - I think your 3 points need some zing and tightening also. I'm not feeling the pain enough.

hope that helps.
Tony

[ 1 ] Thanks

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Theodosios

7 years ago

Thanks so much for all the great advice everyone.

This is all obviously a bit over my head.

I've just hired a pro to go through everything until I can learn the fine art of writing better.

Best,

Theodosios.

Thanks

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gemmom24

7 years ago

I only glanced at it but my first thought was that you need to be more specific on what "healing" is. It's too broad of a term. Are you talking about chakras, mindfulness, what? You lost me there.

Thanks

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Theodosios

7 years ago

Yeah, that's a very good point.I was afraid of that.

The program is along the lines of Mindfulness and behavioral/cognitive re-conditioning.

I'm having trouble defining it specifically.

Thanks,

Theo

Thanks

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