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Copy Critique Needed

by damongreene
12 replies
Hi, Can you do me the pleasure of critiquing the copy on this page. I had one of my collegues rip me a new one with the original. Im becoming more familiar with copyrwriting as I have several products Im working on creating and understand the powerful nature of copy.

I take any professional advice and thoughts seriously. I have not started testing as of yet because I want your opinions and thoughts on the existing structure. Then I begin on working and improving the conversions. We just started promoting this in the last several days.

Credit and Debt Help Teleseminar Series - Economic Bailout Teleconference

Thanks in advance.
#copy #critique #needed
  • Profile picture of the author Kevin-VirtualProfitCenter
    You are using what I call a "plain paper" look and feel. That probably means you have been listening to all the advice given here about how that's usually the best look and feel to use.

    In this case it's probably NOT the best look and feel--you probably want to use a more graphic oriented look and feel.

    I also suspect a video pitch (flash animation with narration) would do better for this than text. I could be wrong, but it would be a good bet.

    Now about content...

    Your headline needs to make a bold promise. A specific promise. "How to cut your debt--and payments--in half in the next 7 days."

    Get rid of every "I" you possibly can. Use "you" instead. I don't care about you. Neither do your prospects. "I'd like to invite you" becomes "you are about to receive..."

    Your bolding and italics are, well, wrong. Your emphasis is in all the wrong places. I take that back, you did it right some places, but missed it in others.

    Get rid of the "order blank" style sign up box. Replace it with a simple email only blank above the fold and to the right of the video (or text) on the page.

    If you want to collect more info (which statement, etc.) do it on a second page and make it optional.

    Put your copyright notice and other junk below the actual box and make it barely visible. Use a color like #CCCCCC.

    The copy in general is weak. You cover too much. Make one promise and then prove you can deliver on it. You're only asking for an email so you don't have to provide much more than hope (a promise) and some reason why people can believe you can deliver.
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  • Profile picture of the author Chris Ramsey
    Damon, I'll be the first to rip it a new one.

    -The headline needs to be MUCH shorter... It also needs to be centered on the page.

    The way it's written right now hurts my eyes and it's hard to read. You won't get too many people sticking around with a headline that long.

    Stick with three lines - at the MOST. Try for two short lines with 3-5 words each and you'll be doing much better.

    A little tip...

    Find out exactly what your prospect wants, and give it to them in the headline.

    Your headline could read something like - "Here's The Secret To Putting Your Debt On The Chopping Block" or "Discover How Such&Such Cut Their Debt In Half In Less Than 7 Days..."

    Find the one thing they want the most and let them have it. Your headline will be much better then.

    -Put a picture of you next to your name - it really helps build credibility. If you're using a pen name, use a stock photo of somebody strong and powerful.

    -A picture of you and Mr. Williams would be great if you have one.

    -If you're building an email list, cut down the amount of information you're asking for - you'll get a lot more subscribers.

    -Never use more than four lines for a paragraph.

    -Read this thread. http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...-critique.html It's a checklist that will really help you out.

    Edit: Whoops! Guess I wasn't the first
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    • Profile picture of the author Ashley Gable
      Originally Posted by Chris Ramsey View Post

      -Put a picture of you next to your name - it really helps build credibility. If you're using a pen name, use a stock photo of somebody strong and powerful.
      Do you do this a lot? I am in a niche that I would like to use a photo other than mine, but I could foresee some problems, maybe with the actual person?
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  • Profile picture of the author damongreene
    So is it the worst you have seen or something that isnt so bad? Im going to get the hang of this copy thing. I appreciate all your feedback and anyone else who responds.

    Thanks again.
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    • Profile picture of the author Kevin-VirtualProfitCenter
      Originally Posted by damongreene View Post

      So is it the worst you have seen or something that isnt so bad? Im going to get the hang of this copy thing. I appreciate all your feedback and anyone else who responds.

      Thanks again.
      Don't mistake my being concise with criticism of your ability. We all start somewhere. I have created squeeze pages that have captured somewhere in the neighborhood of 5 million email addresses, so I have done this a couple times before.

      It's a good start. You put into it many of the elements you should have. You obviously had studied some ideas from other copywriters and put them into your page.

      So overall it's pretty good, but it needs work to be effective.
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      • Profile picture of the author copyassassin
        damongreene-

        Your copy is missing the emotional pain...

        BIG TIME!

        Dealing with several clients that are going through BK, here's some of the common emotional pains I feel:
        • When are the creditors going to stop harassing me on my home/cell numbers?
        • Will the creditors call at my workplace? That is really embarrassing!!!
        • Will I ever get credit again?
        • Is the IRS going to come at me with COD income?
        • I lost my house and the state is taxing on COD. I'm screwed!
        • How will I ever qualify for another auto/home loan?
        • Scared to deal with creditors
        • If I default on these loans, am I not a man of my word?

        I would consider making two landing pages:

        1) For people who want to settle their debt
        2) For people who wan to go BK

        They are very different mindsets.

        Currently, your page doesn't ID who your target is.

        Give that a go, add some emotional pain, and lets see what pops out.

        Good luck!
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      • Profile picture of the author damongreene
        I didnt think you were downplaying my ability at all. Just wanted some thoughts on where I was with learning some copywriting techniques...again. Thank you all for your comments. I am putting them in place now and considering all ideas.
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  • Profile picture of the author dman9969
    I would make the header less words.

    Credit Problems?

    How to raise your credit score 100 points in 30 days or less.

    I would put some testimonials in there.

    I don't know if it was the font, but it hurt my eyes.

    A youtube video testimonital if possible, or a youtube sales pitch maybe.

    Maybe tweak the design a little.

    Just little things tho. Other than that, I like the message.
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  • Profile picture of the author RogozRazvan
    Howdy,

    Your copy is looking good, but there are a few points that can be improved.
    1.The headline's job is to capture attention and move to the subhead. If I were you, I would limit it under 10 words and move everything else in the deck copy.
    2.It's a risky move to ask a question in the headline. If the answer is no, you've just lost sale.
    3.I don't think people are interested in simple debt management strategies but rather a magic bullet ...
    4.Your paragraphs are a little too big and this hurts readership.
    Everything else looks good. What was your conversion rate on this?

    Best regards,
    Razvan Rogoz
    CEO of Razvan Rogoz Marketing Services
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