Need opinons with autoresponder msg

by FuNwiThChRiS

Posted: 14 years ago 12 replies

COPY WRITING

Good evening folks,

I need a quick review/analysis of a women's skin care product autoresponder message. Female advice would be greatly appreciated!

-----------------------------

SUBJECT: Aging occurs on two fronts, internally and externally

Treating wrinkles and aging skin is a complex process that requires more than "gap filler" to completely repair. That's why the new and improved XXX line simultaneously works with both the external and the internal needs of your skin, to fix the problems at their core.

Benefits of XXX Anti-Aging cream :

* Natural, FDA-Approved, and effective ingredients
* Easy to apply on your skin, use daily as needed
* Suits any skin type (discoloration, oily, dry, rugged, etc)
* Pro FX Skin products nourish and treat your skin pores
* Ensures firmness to the skin texture through internal toning

"I discovered that my skin felt younger and more toned after I used it for two days. It feels great and it still seems to be working."
Erica S.
Sand Diego, CA

By treating existing wrinkles, lines, sagging skin, and and internal toning issues, XXX products reignite your glow one day at a time. By aiding the processes that your body naturally uses to rejuvenate cells, XXX can turn back the clock on wrinkles and aging.

Order today with our 60 Day Money-Back Guarantee. If you don't see amazing results within days, we'll refund your order. Thousands of women agree, XXX is the best!

Order Now, Save 25%!

-------------------------------

Thanks again!

#autoresponder #msg #opinons

Ken Strong 14 years ago

I'm not a female, but here are a few thoughts.

The only function of the Subject line is to get the reader to open the email and read it. Your subject line doesn't even make sense, at least to me. It certainly doesn't push any emotional buttons or compel me to read further.

In the first sentence of the body you refer to "gap filler." That sounds like something contractors would use. I Googled the term to make it wasn't some kind of top-secret female beauty lingo I wasn't aware of, but unless Dow Chemical is now in the skin-care biz my first impression was correct.

Your list of "benefits" reads more like features -- good stuff to mention, but not this soon. And not in the email.

You're starting to sell in the second sentence. It's like you've compressed a long sales letter into a few paragraphs. I assume the purpose of the email is to get them to click on a link? Does it take them to a sales page? The direct selling comes on the sale page, not in the email, and even there not as quickly or directly as this.

.02.
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ewenmack 14 years ago

Chris,

Top internet marketers have shown, through their testing, that they get more sales by putting their sales piece on their blog and use a brief non-salesy message in their email driving their readers to the blog/sales pitch.

Why it works we really don't know...try it untill you prove it doesn't work in your case.

All the best,
Ewen
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FuNwiThChRiS 14 years ago

Thanks for the feedback - this is an autoresponder message, part of a series. Each message features a "did you know" type subject. The fully formatted html msgs link to a retail product site - no sales letters here.

Your reaction to "gap filler" is exactly what we were looking for. It almost shocks you to read that..."what does gap filler have to do with aging?" The company wants women to know that most skin care products and creams only fill the gaps in wrinkles, whereas their products fix the wrinkles.

I do agree that the benefits need some work, what the company provided was limited...need female opinions on this one too. Thanks!
- Thanks
- 1 reply
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- ewenmack 14 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by FuNwiThChRiS
  
  what the company provided was limited
  
  Chris,
  
  Having a stronger client brief may help you get more info. to help in your work with them.
  
  Here is a link where you need to sign up to her newsletter, Get Great Clients Now
  Chris Marlow Copywriting and she will send you the one she uses.
  
  All the best,
  Ewen
  
  Thanks
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2468275].message }}
FuNwiThChRiS 14 years ago

Thanks Ewen, good to know - will look into that idea for this type of product. Maybe beauty review sites...
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Daniel Scott 14 years ago

For the "#1 copywriter of all time"... that is a freakin' terrible effort.

It doesn't build curiosity... it has no emotional punch... and it certainly doesn't make people want the product.

My advice is to read some of the classics... like Schwab's "How to Write a Good Advertisement".

Because you're missing a lot of fundamentals here. So much so that IMHO this page is beyond repair.

-Dan
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FuNwiThChRiS

14 years ago

Thanks Ewen, definitely true. As with anything, the more info you have up front, the better the result.

Thanks
1 reply

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Kay King

14 years ago

Gap filler is usually referred to as "line filler"

The email is a sales page and not that well done.

"17 different anti-oxidants" - "different would be assumed"

effective ingredients

No list of featured or special ingredient

Ensures firmness to the skin texture through internal toning

To me (a woman) that doesn't sound right. "improves texture OF the skin or "Refines texture of the skin" maybe - "internal toning" is what? Tightening the organs?

Erica S.
Sand Diego, CA

By treating existing wrinkles, lines, sagging skin, and and internal toning issues, XXX products reignite your glow, one day at a time. By aiding the processes that your body naturally uses to rejuvenate cells, XXX can turn back the clock on wrinkles and aging.

By treating, by aiding = boring text. Basically says this product fixes all skin problems from inside out - without any details, ingredients list or where "inside" this is supposed to work.

Order today with our 60 Day Money-Back Guarantee. If you don't see amazing results within days, we'll refund your order. Thousands of women agree, XXX is the best!

Order Now, Save 25%!

Within how many days? Do you refund shipping cost? Is this an auto-ship item? Where are the thousands of women?

--------------------------

I would focus the email series on specific improvement this products brings about - would feature an "amazing ingredient" and how it acts on the user's system.

The emails should create curiosity to know more and lead readers to the full sales page. 25% off should be a lure of "limited time special price" rather than a flat statement.

Nowhere do I learn whether this is a mask, a cream, a lotion, a liquid...or what. Is it absorbed? Can it be used under makeup? Is it scented or unscented? Is it likely to cause an allergic reaction or redness?

Sounds harsh, I know. But you wanted a woman's opinion and you've missed many of the points that women know to look for in a beauty product.

kay

Thanks
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FuNwiThChRiS

14 years ago

Originally Posted by Kay King

Gap filler is usually referred to as "line filler"

The email is a sales page and not that well done.

"17 different anti-oxidants" - "different would be assumed"

No list of featured or special ingredient

To me (a woman) that doesn't sound right. "improves texture OF the skin or "Refines texture of the skin" maybe - "internal toning" is what? Tightening the organs?

By treating, by aiding = boring text. Basically says this product fixes all skin problems from inside out - without any details, ingredients list or where "inside" this is supposed to work.

Within how many days? Do you refund shipping cost? Is this an auto-ship item? Where are the thousands of women?

--------------------------

I would focus the email series on specific improvement this products brings about - would feature an "amazing ingredient" and how it acts on the user's system.

The emails should create curiosity to know more and lead readers to the full sales page. 25% off should be a lure of "limited time special price" rather than a flat statement.

Nowhere do I learn whether this is a mask, a cream, a lotion, a liquid...or what. Is it absorbed? Can it be used under makeup? Is it scented or unscented? Is it likely to cause an allergic reaction or redness?

Sounds harsh, I know. But you wanted a woman's opinion and you've missed many of the points that women know to look for in a beauty product.

kay

Kay, this is excellent. Your review almost brought a tear to my eye! =D
I have absolutely no experience in beauty products (but I'm still pretty!). Thanks again I will use ALOT of this advice!

Thanks
1 reply

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Kay King 14 years ago

Glad to help.

Good luck with it.

kay
- Thanks
Signature

Saving one dog will not change the world - but the world changes forever for that one dog
***
It actually doesn't take much to be considered a 'difficult woman' -
that's why there are so many of us.
...jane goodall
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FuNwiThChRiS 14 years ago

OK, here's my take on this ineffective autoresponder. I've revised it using your valuable insights. Thoughts?

--------------------------

SUBJECT: You've got to read this! Major breakthrough, stop wrinkles now.

Treating wrinkles and aging skin is a nightmare for thousands of women. That's why the new and improved XXX line of skin care products was designed to treat both the internal and external causes of wrinkles, aging, and dryness.

"I discovered that my skin felt younger and more toned after I used it for two days. It feels great and it still seems to be working."
Erica S.
Sand Diego, CA

Younger-looking, younger-acting skin is now possible with a simple, affordable, daily skin care regimen you can start from the comfort of home. It's so easy, and feels amazing! But the best part? It's FDA-approved and recommended by leading dermatologists at a fraction of typical "wonder cream" prices.

Here's the scoop!

* Natural FDA-Approved Ingredients
* Contains 17 different anti-oxidants
* Suits any skin type (discoloration, oily, dry, rugged, etc)
* Firms and tones your skin without discomfort
* Easy and fast to apply
* Used by thousands of health-conscious women everywhere!

By treating existing wrinkles, lines, sagging skin, and and internal toning issues, XXX products reignite your glow, one day at a time. By aiding the processes that your body naturally uses to rejuvenate cells, XXX can turn back the clock on wrinkles and aging.

Order today with our 60 Day Money-Back Guarantee. If you don't see amazing results within days, we'll refund your order. Thousands of women agree, XXX is the best!

Order Now, Save 25%!
- Thanks
- 1 reply
Signature

Work hard, live a happy life, cherish your family and friends. Be thankful for every day.
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- ewenmack 14 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by FuNwiThChRiS
  
  OK, here's my take on this ineffective autoresponder. I've revised it using your valuable insights. Thoughts?
  
  !
  
  Chris, you haven't listened to Ken and my recommendation which was Don't do the selling in
  the email!
  
  Next if that was your sales page you need to transform features into benefits.
  
  Go over those bulleted features and then add 'therefore' blah blah 'which means' blah blah.
  
  Now you start thinking about the reader instead of the product.
  
  All the best,
  Ewen
  
  Thanks
  
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Need opinons with autoresponder msg

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