Review My Sales Page?

13 years ago

Well the first thing right off the bat is I dont know what"mindfulness" means.

Is this a term that your visitors will know before getting to your page?

To be honest your sales page doesnt say much. It feels like an extreme rough draft, something one might write up in order to write a sales page.

In fact I would imagine that if you changed this to a optin page, it wouldnt get many optins either.

If I were you I would go ahead and hire someone to write a new sales letter. In the long run it will be one of the best investments you can make.

Ashley

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craigmo

13 years ago

Originally Posted by Ashley Gable

Well the first thing right off the bat is I dont know what"mindfulness" means.

Is this a term that your visitors will know before getting to your page?

To be honest your sales page doesnt say much. It feels like an extreme rough draft, something one might write up in order to write a sales page.

In fact I would imagine that if you changed this to a optin page, it wouldnt get many optins either.

If I were you I would go ahead and hire someone to write a new sales letter. In the long run it will be one of the best investments you can make.

Ashley

Thank you for your feedback Ashley. I take your point about mindfulness, not everyone is going to know what that is. But I'm confused when you say my "sales page doesn't say much." Actually it says a lot, maybe even too much, so what do you mean by that?

Yes I agree it would be a good idea to hire someone. I'm brand new to IM and have no knowledge of how to write a sales page, which is why I made the post. Before I hire someone I want to learn what I can about how to do this.

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Mindfulness Anger Management

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AdwordsMogul

13 years ago

Originally Posted by craigmo

... But I'm confused when you say my "sales page doesn't say much." Actually it says a lot, maybe even too much, so what do you mean by that?
...

I think what Ashley means is that the page speaks from your point of view, in terms you understand.

Somebody who needs your help faces issues, you have mentioned some of them.

However, you need to choose one group of people and speak to them.

Who are your most common clients? Are they having problems in marriage or at work?

The key here is to find the specific group of people who are most likely to give you money.

Then imagine yourself in their shoes, see how life affects them. Imagine a day in their life - things start great in the morning, then they snap at someone and things go downhill... Imagine the feeling of regret afterwards.

(OK, it's obvious I've been there

)

Right now your page is simply to generic, so whatever you say doesn't strike a chord with someone who really needs to get your stuff.

Plus, there are so many other questions that your copy doesn't answer.

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craigmo

13 years ago

Originally Posted by AdwordsMogul

I think what Ashley means is that the page speaks from your point of view, in terms you understand.

Somebody who needs your help faces issues, you have mentioned some of them.

However, you need to choose one group of people and speak to them.

Who are your most common clients? Are they having problems in marriage or at work?

The key here is to find the specific group of people who are most likely to give you money.

Then imagine yourself in their shoes, see how life affects them. Imagine a day in their life - things start great in the morning, then they snap at someone and things go downhill... Imagine the feeling of regret afterwards.

(OK, it's obvious I've been there

)

Right now your page is simply to generic, so whatever you say doesn't strike a chord with someone who really needs to get your stuff.

Plus, there are so many other questions that your copy doesn't answer.

Thank you very much. This makes perfect sense. Yeah my copy is completely generic it's true, and I can see how it's going to be hard for people to feel connected with it if it doesn't somehow speak their language. So far I've been trying to speak to everyone, but yeah I can see that I need to be more focused, speak to people's experience more directly.

Great, this helps a lot. I've been looking for direction for some time now, and this is a great help!

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travlinguy

13 years ago

You need a headline. What's the biggest issue someone with anger has? Remorse, guilt, feeling out of control? Pick something people with this problem have and use it to grab their attention. Something like:

Are You Tired Of Always Feeling Out Of Control? Do You Want To Get Your Life Back On The Happy Track?

I don't know enough about the market but you need to grab them emotionally before they even want to read your page. Engage your reader first by identifying with what they're feeling. You might want to use a little story right away telling the reader how you, or someone you know felt out of control, struggled for a long time with anger issues and then found the solution, your program. Simple. Only then do they want details of your stuff.

The way the page is now, you might get an occasional sale but if you speak directly to your prospect's issues and then logically show them the solution, you'll do far better.

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craigmo

13 years ago

Originally Posted by travlinguy

You need a headline. What's the biggest issue someone with anger has? Remorse, guilt, feeling out of control? Pick something people with this problem have and use it to grab their attention. Something like:

Are You Tired Of Always Feeling Out Of Control? Do You Want To Get Your Life Back On The Happy Track?

I don't know enough about the market but you need to grab them emotionally before they even want to read your page. Engage your reader first by identifying with what they're feeling. You might want to use a little story right away telling the reader how you, or someone you know felt out of control, struggled for a long time with anger issues and then found the solution, your program. Simple. Only then do they want details of your stuff.

The way the page is now, you might get an occasional sale but if you speak directly to your prospect's issues and then logically show them the solution, you'll do far better.

Yup, I can see that now. I can see that the way the page is written now it doesn't speak to the reader is at. I like very much the idea of the headline, I'm going to think this through and see what I can come up with. And I'm realizing I need to redo the whole page...

I appreciate this.

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craigmo 13 years ago

Hey everbody. Wow, this is really great feedback, exactly the kind of help I've been looking for. I'm going to have to re create the whole page, including the fonts, the text, and add headlines. It's going to take some time. I can see how all these suggestions are right on the mark, yet they are quite a departure from the approach I've been relying on, so I'm going to have to sit down and rethink the whole thing. I'd hire someone, but I'd rather learn it myself, because I'll be doing this many times over the coming years, so I might as well learn how to write copy that works.

I've been presenting 'the facts', and that's it. I need to bring in more color and emotional appeal, and let people know how they are going to benefit. My audience is broad, people from all walks of life and age groups have anger problems, and my program isn't designed for one specific group, so I'm also going to have to really think about this and how to reshape the presentation.

Thanks again for all the great help. I finally feel like I have some direction now for how to redo my sales page.
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Bruce NewMedia

13 years ago

No offense, but it's not a sales page, it's a catalog page, or close to it.

It assumes that visitors are already looking for exactly this kind of thing (I'll bet they're not) and just lists all the stuff they get. Its boring too. Graphically, the font you chose is very small, thus hard to read, no proof at all this works.

I would do a complete re-write to get results.
_____
Bruce

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Kim Phoenix 13 years ago

I have to agree with Ashley in that I don't know what the term "mindfulness" means when it comes to anger management. Do the people who are visiting your site and sales page already know what that means? As others have said, your sales copy is much too generic. You have to pick a target group of people that you are speaking to. You cannot try to sell to married couples and people who are not getting along at work at the same time. The key to selling is that you need to connect with one target group, and find their inner desires and needs of what they want to to get from your product. An exercise that can help you is to write down who you are marketing to, the age group of that target group, why they are having the problems, etc. The more you know about your target group, the easier it is to write your copy. As I've mentioned in another post, you don't want to talk about product features, but instead what that product can do for them. A great place to compare and see sales pages is at Clickbank. There, you will see a variety of sales pages. Look for the products that are selling, and those that are not, and try to emulate the ones that are selling. I would also add more headlines and subheadlines into your copy as it is hard to read, and doesn't draw one in. I hope that helps.
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RickDuris

13 years ago

Ok, respectfully, I think you've mis-identified your prospect. How would you sell your product to THIS man?

YouTube - Meat Loaf RANT vs Gary Busey...

As your product is currently presented, unfortunately, you have NO CHANCE. Not with the copy... not with the graphics (Fluffy clouds and sunshine? Are you kidding?)... not with the title.

You have to nail all the costs and with people like this you have to "twist the knife" and let them know in no uncertain terms what they are about to lose if they don't take action right now.

It requires a ton of insight because folks with anger management challenges don't think they need help. "It's just who I am--deal with it."

- Rick Duris

PS: Just look at how they talked Meat Loaf down "off the ledge" and you'll have a clue of what your approach should be. They "sold him" on calming down.

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nigelburke

13 years ago

Originally Posted by RickDuris

As your product is currently presented, unfortunately, you have NO CHANCE. Not with the copy... not with the graphics (Fluffy clouds and sunshine? Are you kidding?)

Rick, Just wondering why you had a sunset as the only graphic on your personal site?

Also your site describes you as a killer copywriter who has the gift and yet at the same time states "To know me, you’ll quickly appreciate I am humble"

I'm just curious because the advice you give on here is really good and yet your personal site doesn't really reflect your skills

Nigel

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robyun

13 years ago

Perhaps if you could get some testimonials and use bigger fonts (like <h1>text</h1> for important titles and stuff) would generate you more sales.
Also, remember to keep it simple. Simple stuff sales best!

Regards,
Roby

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jewel3000

13 years ago

@craigmo - these are my initial impressions of your page:

-- It feels very neat and peaceful, almost lulling or calming

-- 1st paragraph lacks intimacy, has no warmth. Seems too concerned with 1) the keyword (mindfulness), and 2) statistical research. As such, it doesn't connect with me, the reader. It's a bit distant and clinical. Needs to be a bit more assertive as follows ...

-- 1st paragraph might be more effective if you ...
* ask pointed questions that make the reader realize they have an anger problem
* humanize it by evoking marriage problems, problems with boss, etc.
* say that one's relationship challenges can be fixed -- thru "mindfulness"
* all of this to say, you may need to 'jog' the reality of a reader needing help
before introducing the passive word "mindfulness"

-- I eventually saw that you had some of the above in your "Who Can Benefit" section. I'd put this kind of language WAY up top.

-- I looked for an expert's author's name/photo/credential, a sign that the creator of the material
is an authority on the topic. I saw little that assured me the author knew enough to pay the money asked.

-- You also might need some testimonials on the page. Not only do these act as endorsements, they would humanize and give more personality to the entire pitch.

Best of luck!

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Shadowflux 13 years ago

Here are some notes, in no specific order:

1. You need to include your definition of "Mindfulness" near the beginning, I think most people only have a vague conception of what that term means and no idea of how you're using it. Defining the term yourself is extremely important because it a) creates authority and b)dispels any possible debate on the meaning of the term. This is why so many cults create and define their own terms.

2. Don't call it an "Ebook"!!! People don't want to pay for something that isn't tangible. You need to call it a "system", "course", "program" or something like that. This way people feel they are paying for invaluable knowledge and wisdom and not just another ebook. Also, don't mention that it's a PDF, I don't think many people really know what that is.

3. You need to speak to your prospective customers directly. You need to make them identify with what you're saying, imagine it and place themselves in the situations you're describing. This is where NLP is really useful. You need to help them realize that they are a slave to their anger, that they're suffering because of it. You need to reinforce the fact that their life will be better after following your program.

4. Mention some common anger triggers like "rowdy kids", "traffic", "boss is a jerk" etc. You're much more likely to connect with someone if you've mentioned a few of the triggers that cause them to fly off the handle.

Just a few thoughts, good luck!
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- craigmo 13 years ago
  
  Jewel3000 and Shadowflux,
  
  Thanks to you for your excellent feedback and advice! It really gives me some practical things to do, changes that make great sense. I can see how they will transform the sales page. I've been away for a few weeks and wasn't aware of your posts so sorry for the late reply. I'm excited to implement these changes.
  
  Thanks
  
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  craigmo 13 years ago
  
  Hey all you warriors who have been so generous in offering advice for my sales page. I'm posting to let you know that I made some major changes to the page, in case you are interested to see what I've done. If you want to let me know what you think I'm all ears :-)
  
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  nigelburke 13 years ago
  
  The new site seems a whole lot better, were your changes based mainly on the feedback from here?
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
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  craigmo 13 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by nigelburke
  
  The new site seems a whole lot better, were your changes based mainly on the feedback from here?
  
  Thanks, I'm really glad you like the site better now! I based the changes on feedback here and also another online marketing forum.
  
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BBryanB

13 years ago

I am in the boat you are in. i have been trying to market a similar product on the Internet for almost 2 years, with out any success.

I have re written my web page/ sales page/ optin page about 10 times in the last two years. without success.

My advice to you is this, let your market dictate to you what is going to work or not. People who are looking from the outside in, are not going to be able to connect to what you are trying to say.

Try to get feedback from real people on your site, those are the people you need to listen too.

Best of luck, keep swinging the bat, you are not the only one who is struggling !!

Bryan from Canada

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NoviIM

13 years ago

Hey I think you provided some solid benefits to this product as well as a great background for this product....

One thing I might suggest is a better call to action.... A more direct close after your benefit features would probably convert better...

Hope it helps

Yury

Originally Posted by craigmo

Hello Warriors,

Is there anyone out there who would review my sales page for me? I am not making any sales, and feel kind of stuck as to how to re-shape my sales page. I'd love to hear any feedback and/or suggestions you have.

Here is my sales page:

Program | Mindfulness Anger Management

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ezpay4me

13 years ago

This probably isn't going to seem like much help,but you should take off the price tag at the top. This price tag is a turnoff to your visitors.

As soon as they see that your going to try and sell something they will just click off.

what you want to do is add the price tag at the end after you have caught their attention with a good sales letter.

Hope this helps.
Regards,

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