Take 2 : Please Critique My Landing Page

Oops looks like you saw the older version ... The "-" should be included at the end of the URL don't have enough posts under my belt to post links yet.

Here is the URL again bit.ly/xHFxc3

There is NO VIDEO in the current landing page !!

Hey Rick thanks for that awesome dose of information. Well I think you could buy a book related to any ClickBank product for less than 25$ .

But you are right about the emotional part which this script is unable to capture .. Also wasn't aware of the competition ...

Could you help with the re-write ??

I agree that the Headline needs some work.. Actually an IMAGE ad that we are running says "You May Have .. Cancer ... An not even know it"

Wanted to follow up the Ad so that the visitor could then link the ad to the headline and find continuity

Still working on improving the page .. and the right combination of headline

Thanks

Really ?? I thought adding the extra spaces and all would actually AID in helping readers read. Also grouping text into huge paragraphs makes it harder for readers to read vs text spread out which is easier on the eye..

Could you please be a little more specific .. maybe quote a specific part so that I could understand your Point of view.

Thanks

So you think that this Copy Could be tweaked and improved ?? Or you think it's Hopeless ??

Thanks

Your point about Prevention VS Cure is spot on.. Read it in a book by Dan S. Kennedy ..

Anyway thanks for the info really helps ....

Thanks, We are working with a New Copywriter and hopefully he will be able to fix that for us.


Thanks

I think you can improve on the hook more. You see, people are motivated by fear in the present, not so much of fear in the future. That's the reason why sales for prevention lose significantly to sales for cures & solutions. People just don't feel that "cold blood chill" and "heart-thumping" sensation if you tell them about risks in the future. Why do you think people continue to smoke despite knowing it significantly raises the risk of lung cancer?

The headline is also your chance to seize your prospect's attention and send them excitedly reading through the rest of the letter without fail. Remove their suspicions with credibility...

(Note: this headline just illustrates how to use credibility, it isn't necessarily a good hook.)
Eg. "Famous Medical Doctor/Oncologist shows how you can easily flush out aching colds, bleach away cancer and evaporate all kinds of illnesses from you and your loved ones... with his revolutionary scientifically-proven detox system!"
Note: this headline is a little confusing because its too long.

Find the real, best hidden hook on why a person is really interested in a detoxification product. Remember that people don't know what they want. They don't tell you what they want. Certainly, cancer prevention is a big hook, but I think you can still hit the nail closer to the head.

When you agitate/stir up someone's feelings in the copy by resonating to them, don't tell them to do something that requires a lot of effort. The word "remember" is quite charged- a lot of people don't like to remember. Remembering a feeling sounds like a lot of work. Instead, just simply stir up the feelings as you did at the start. Insert more bullets to capture more prospects' situations in your opening net.

I find a lack of involvement with the prospect. Not only the "yous", but resonating and bringing the prospect from where he/she is to where you want him to go. Remember that your main purpose in a sales copy is to persuade the prospect, not to simply give them information hoping they'll trust you.

Also, be really "specific" and yet vague when trying to predict the predicaments of your prospects. For example, cold reading by fortune tellers. Fortune tellers normally say something like, "you have a very hard exterior, but especially when you're alone, you self-reflect and actually have a soft side." Somehow, the prospect's imagination goes wild and they start relating themselves to the "specific" statement. Try "predicting" how they live their normal lives, then slowly pile the disgust of having a toxified system in them.

For example, you get them into a Yes-set.

You: When you swallow food, the food rolls up into tiny balls (boli) and go down into your stomach through special muscle movements (peristalsis).
Prospect: Yes. This guy is an authority, he knows technical terms. I understand what he means.

You: Your stomach starts to churn the food with special juices to digest them.
Prospect: Yes.

As you pile the momentum of "yes" in the prospect's mind, he reckons you to have a tendency of speaking truth. Most people have their own definitions of detoxification, however, you should define it for them. Define it in a way where they can understand and they can visualize its importance.

For example, you can talk about the normal func of the body"s own detox system, and how it is solely not sufficient. Emphasize it. State how their own intervention is highly crucial.

What others don't do = unique. Try out novel mechanisms of bringing out your benefits, but make sure these are not what others avoid (which obviously means detrimental to conversions).

Try involve them in a story. Use You a lot.

It's still good compared to many pieces of copy I have seen here so far.

Helisel,

You are spot on with your comments about the Heading .. Still working on it and trying to find the best combination and balance.

Also this comment "internal dialogue is..."I wonder if I can find a way to reduce my cancer risk?" Pretty much nails it

I like the old website better. It looks more modern.
The new website lacks any kind of "pop", and it looks old.